Forty-two Ways in Forty Two Days- Harry Potter

I started this blog yesterday- but quite honestly I was just too darned tired for it to make sense. The pure number of typos was enough for me to hold off on publishing it until I could put together a full sentence. Night before last, my honey and I went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Except for the first film, we have done midnight premieres of all of the films. These films, most of which are closing in on three hours, are incredible. If you are a fan of the books- which I am- the movies can leave you torn. JK Rowling's books are so rich and so full of over and underlying characters that weave themselves in and out of the story that many of us re-read the predicessors each time a new book came out in order to reacquaint ourselves with them before we moved on in the story. When Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out, my Mom, my friends and I consumed it like it was both our first and our last meal. The first inclination was to dive in and just gobble it up. Then we realized it was the very last book so we slowed down to savor every last word. The story, from the Sorcerer's Stone through the Deathly Hallows spans years of young Harry's life seamlessly.

The movies- as with most book to film adaptations lose quite a bit of the story in the translation. Of course- beginning with the third book- the books were over three hundred pages and larger with each successive story. By the end, if they were to film every word we would be looking at at least an eight hour film. Even so, those of us who are loyal to the books find the parts cut out to be difficult to swallow. So why do we love the films so very much? It is all in the visuals.

When you see the characters brought to life it changes how you view the books. You can see the children who portray the characters- Dan Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson and even Tom Felton as Harry, Ron, Herminone and Draco. Having watched them grow up with their characters adds something special to the re-reading. However- it is the film adaptation of Hogwarts Castle that is just magical- no pun intended. The films just bring the castle to life. The interactive paintings, the moving staircases, the disappearing and reappearing room of requirement just pop off the screen. After having seen the movies for the story the first time, I would recommend watching them again and again just to see the background of the castle. There is alway something new to see.

So where is my gratitude in all of this? Well, it is two-fold. First there are the many, many hours of escape that I have found in both the books and the movies. Whether you have seen or read them before, each time you revisit them you drop back into the wizarding world as if it were new.

Second is the fact that I was able to go to that midnight show and be not so much worse for the wear. I took a quick nap before the movie and a quick nap after. I worked all day yesterday and even stayed late to finish a project and I didn't fall apart. I didn't have any more pain than usual for having sat in those seats for over three hours. I actually felt...almost normal. Granted, it was my new normal- but it gave me back another piece of my "old" life that I thought was gone. I was afraid of what physical consequences I would suffer for the lack of sleep and lack of moving around- and that fear is gone. I came home yesterday, threw a Lean Cuisine in the nuker and then went to bed around 7:30- a little later even than my usual Humira day. Just thinking about how well I did puts a smile on my face even now. And for that I am SO grateful!

Forty-two Ways in Forty Two Days- Books

Since I was a little girl, my parents have instilled a love of reading in me. When we were little, mom always had books around and for many years, Dad was going to school so those books were around as well. He was also a HUGE Stephen King fan-and still has every hardcover. Both of them read to us until we were old enough to read to them and then for ourselves. Three very vivid memories of my childhood are about books. First was back in school when we had those SRA reading programs (yes, I am dating myself) where we would select a book and then read it and do a little quiz and move on to the next book and work through the series. The second was when my parents gave me the Hardy boys and Nancy Drew series and the third was the first time I read the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe.

A good book or story can draw you in and take you places you have never been. It can pique your curiosity about things you have never seen or known- and if you are like me that can lead to researching all sorts of topics so you can continually learn about the world around you. At one time I dreamed that I would be a writer, but I realized a long time ago that I have neither the talent or the discipline to do so. I am okay with that- but that dream evolved in another direction. Now- the dream is to proofread and edit professionally. I can imagine nothing better than being paid to read and to make a story better.

In the meantime- I work surrounded by books. I have at my fingertips on any given day over a thousand titles. Walking the shelves, flipping through the pages, seeing all the interesting and exciting things that are out there to see and do, it is worth all of the work involved just having access to all of that.

I am so thankful for the ability to read. I cannot imagine what is it like to not be able see the words on the page and know what they mean. I can't imagine not being able to pick up a book and open the pages and forget about all of my worries for just a few hours.

I am also very grateful that my parents enjoyed reading so much that they passed that love on to me and that I was able to share that with Josh.

Forty-two Ways in Forty Two Days- Friends.

I can't watch this video without tears. I don't know why- but it always just gets me and makes my heart swell. Perhaps because I have been blessed with some of the most wonderful friends in the world.

I have all different kinds of friends. I have friends that I met in high school and recently reconnected with, some that have been in my life all of those years and friends that I made as an adult. I have friends that I "met" in online (thank you msn) groups, and friends that I met through my RA boards. I have very dear friends that I may not speak to more than three times a year- but when we get together it is as if we were together just yesterday, friends that I speak to almost daily in some way or another and friends that I don't get to speak to often enough. My friends have been with me through thick and thin, good and bad. I have friends that I have never seen in person that know more about me than people I see every day.

The ironic thing is, though I am fairly outgoing, I don't make true friends easily. I place a lot of stock in honesty, loyalty and respect and for me to give those things, it takes a large amount of trust on my part. As a military brat, I grew up knowing that people can come and go in your life at any time. Because of that- it takes a lot for me to let down my guard enough to really invest myself and call someone a friend. Knowing this- I had always considered that I have a lot of acquaintences and a few real friends. When I was preparing this blog- I started counting and was surprised at the number of people that I do consider friends. If I was feeling blessed before- I am feeling abundantly blessed now!

I love my friends like a surrogate family. They touch my life in a million different ways. They mean the world to me and I try to make them aware of it as often as I can without being too mushy. I really feel that this song sums up exactly how I feel about my friends- new and old. If you are my friend- thank you for being my friend and this is for you!

Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain, we all have sorrow.

But if we are wise, we know that there's always tomorrow.

Lean on me, when you're not strong and I'll be your friend.

I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody

to lean on.

Please swallow your pride, if have things you need to borrow.

For no one can fill those needs that you won't let show.

You just call on me brother when you need a hand.

We all need somebody to lean on.

I just might have a problem that you'll understand.

We all need somebody to lean on.

Lean on me when you't not strong, and I'll be your friend.

I'll help you carry on, for it won't be long 'til I'm gonna' need

somebody to lean on.

You just call on me brother if you need a friend.

We all need somebody to lean on.

I just might have a problem that you'll understand.

We all need somebody to lean on.

If there is a load you have to bear that you can't carry.

I'm right up the road, I'll share your load if you just call me.

Call me ( if you need a friend)

Call me

Forty-two Ways in Forty Two Days- More Family.

When you get married, if you are lucky, you gain a second family. I know that a lot of folks complain about their in-laws and some have some really BAD situations but I didn't have that problem.

Jim's parents have always been supportive- even when we got married so very young. They never treated me like anything other than a real daughter- not an "in-law". Heck, Jim's mom once told us that if anything happened and we split- she was keeping me instead of Jim.

When we made the decision to pursue a move out this way- I was afraid they would not be pleased- but they were really, really behind us. We had been with them for 20 years and they understood the need to be near my parents now that they are getting older. Jim has 3 siblings living with and near them so we all knew that there would be someone to care for them. Little did we know how quickly that would be put to the test. When Jim's mom got sick last year, we were so thankful that the kids all stepped in and took such good care of her. We were thankful that they tried to keep us in the loop. We are also very grateful that we both got the opportunity to go back and see her while she was still alive and knew us. Mom passed away in April and we both really still miss her. We went back for the funeral and it was not a good thing. True colors come out in times like that and when we left- we were glad to come back home. I am not going to get into all of that mess in this blog because this is about gratitude and that is an area where I am still working on forgiveness so I will leave it at that. Since then, contact with Dad has been minimal. He is having a really tough time without Mom so I am not taking it personally. I just hope and pray that he is taking care of himself. I really feel the best thing for him would be to consider assisted living but I don't think that will come for a while.
I just don't think he is ready to take that step. But I email him and send cards and let him know that we love him and that is all that I can do.

I am also very thankful for Jim's sister Courtney, his brother Andrew and Drew's wife Jessica. They are our continued connection to Jim's family. We hear from them fairly often via Facebook and texts. We are able to see their children in those mediums and enjoy them growing up. We have been "family" since they were children so it is an easy relationship between us. I love them as if they were blood related and I hope they realize that. I would do anything I could to help them if they needed me. I can only hope that we continue on over the rest of our lives.

I miss them all. I am grateful that I have them in my life because they make a difference whether they realize it or not. I need to let them know, I just don't know how I will do that yet.

Forty Two Ways in Forty Two Days- Reminders

Sometimes, when things are just flowing along and you are living life day to day, you (okay-I) tend to just go with the flow. Though I spend my evening walks with Harley reviewing my day and thinking of all the things I am thankful for I get in a rut. I find myself coming up with the same things over and over and then wonder if it is just becoming routine and I am somehow missing the point of gratitude. I don't know about you, but sometimes I need a reminder to shake things up a bit and knock loose the cobwebs. Two things happened in the last two days to remind me how very fortunate I am and that I should not take the things I do have for granted. Maybe someone up there knew I was getting complacent and needed a jolt.


Yesterday morning at 4:45am Harley and I went out for our usual morning walk. Generally we head out of the apartment complex, across the street to Mom and Pops where Harley likes to explore the gazebos and benches then down the street to the park and back. It's pretty dark out there- we don't have a lot of street lights- so I bring a flashlight for poop patrol (one of the lesser delights of puppy adoption) and except for that we keep it off and just enjoy the solitude together. So we went our usual route and Harley did her business over between the east side gazebo and benches I was telling her to wait while I did my job. Right about that time a homeless man sat up on one of the benches. I don't know which of the three of us was more startled! We must have awoken him when I started talking to Harley and he sat straight up- startling the daylights out of her. I on the other hand was startled because in two years I have only seen one homeless person out here. I know they are here, but they are just not as pervasive as they were in the city. I spent the whole day thinking back to this poor man who not only had to sleep on a bench that night but also got scared to death by me and my little dog in the wee hours of the morning.

This morning-after our walk- I flipped on my DVR and an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition had taped in the middle of the night. I have it set for "new only" but for whatever reason- this one didn't say "repeat" so even though it was an episode from 2005, it taped anyway. This two hour show was about the Anderson Family.

In March 2000, Rodney Anderson of South Central Los Angeles was on his way to the NBA and a degree in social work, thanks to a full basketball scholarship from California State University at Fullerton (CSUF). On a rare day off from practice, he came home to have dinner with his family. Afterwards, he went for a walk -- the last time he would do so. Gang members approached Rodney and shot him in the back, thinking he was a rival gang member, leaving him paralyzed from the waist down, with little movement in his arms.

With assistance from the state of California and former assemblyman Carl Washington, a contractor was hired to begin work on the Anderson home to make it wheelchair-accessible for Rodney. But the contractor never returned to complete the job and left gaping holes where there should have been walls, leaving the house exposed to the elements and making it almost completely uninhabitable.

Rodney is an honor student at CSUF and attends classes and basketball games in a wheelchair. While Rodney and his fiancee Monique, along with his parents, sister Glenda and her three children, Mellone, 19, Louis, 16 and 12-year-old Cordney, went on vacation to the Atlantis Resort on Paradise Island in the Bahamas, CSUF held a special campus event where Rodney's basketball number was retired.

I have to say- I watched this two hours with a lump in my throat and just cried and cried at different points. These folks really just touched my heart.

These two things together make me wonder what in the world I have to complain about. I have a safe home in a safe town. I have food on the table. I have a family that I love and who loves me. Yes I (and maybe now Jim but that's another story for another blog) have health issues but I am not in a wheelchair- and though we have thought about it a time or twelve I haven't even progressed to a cane as of yet. Yes, I have pain every day- but I am managing that pain and more importantly- I can feel that pain. It is kind of odd to feel good about being able being able to feel pain- but when you see someone who was so athletically talented (which I have NEVER been)and is now a quadraplegic- you have to give thanks that you can feel your pain.

Another part of this reminder is that we can find strength and resiliance when we really need it. I think I am pretty darned strong. I handle most everything thrown at me with only a brief stop for a tantrum and then go with it. When I think about the man in the park and the young man in the wheelchair I have to think that THAT is strength at a very high level. I can only hope that if I were to face that kind of adversity (and knock wood I never will) that I would have the fortitude to go on. I am so grateful for the life that I have. The little things and the big things that I have been given make my life pretty darned good and the adversity is just another challenge to be overcome.

Forty-two Ways in Forty Two Days- My sisters.

Growing up I was the oldest of three girls. My poor father had four women in the house and he was decidedly outnumbered. Being the oldest by a whopping three years I, of course, thought I knew it all. I was the trailblazer. I did most everything first. I was also the one my parents "learned" on. The way they handled me was not necessarily the way they handled my sisters. There was naturally some rivalry, and we didn't always get along. The thing about threes is that when you are fighting it is usually two against one. The funny thing is, in fifteen years, those two against one combinations change depending on the issue, the day, the argument and the way the wind blows. On the plus side- we moved around a LOT when we were kids being military brats. Having two sisters meant always having someone to talk to, always had someone to play with and had someone who knew what you were dealing with and was right there with you.

As adults, if you lined us up side by side, we are so very different. Our lifestyles are different, our temperaments are different and our interests are vastly different. Down deep we have the same values and the same priorities. Would we be friends if we just met on the street? I just don't know- but I do know we love one another dearly.

Heather and Lisa are both such wonderful people. They have big hearts and are both beautiful inside and out. They are raising wonderful kids, they contribute to their communities and they put their families first. Everyone should have people in their life that they truely love and admire the way I do them.

The hard part is that we live so very far apart. One on the west coast, one on the east and now me in the middle. The good thing is that since we moved out here we get more time together. The last two summers both of the girls have made it out and last summer and this summer they have been able to bring the kids. It is hard being so far apart and only seeing the kids grow up in pictures. Thankfully we all have Facebook, unlimited texting and other electronic ways to communicate. It was not as easy when Josh was growing up but I get to have instant photos of the kids. My hope is that we can get better about emailing on a regular basis and maybe get a round robin email going so we can all share our information without having to go through Mom and Dad to hear more about each other.

I am just thankful that I have them. I have some wonderful friends- but they could never replace my sisters.

Forty-two Ways in Forty-two Days- My Honey

As I have mentioned, I read a lot of boards for my particular chronic illness. One thing that is overwhelming to me is the lack of family support that a lot of us have. It really blows my mind that when someone you love is struggling, that you wouldn't want to do everything in your power to help them.

I am very, very fortunate. I have a family that is super supportive. I can talk until I am blue in the face- and you all are sick of it- about how wonderful they are to me. Each time I read the boards, I have to stop and give thanks that I have the family that I do.

My husband, Jim, likes to see himself as a bit of a "tough guy". He has this gruff exterior and doesn't like it when someone tells him how "sweet" he is. When people first meet him, they think he is a little intense and scary and he loves it. Unfortunately for him, if you get to know him, you can see through this to the big heart he has. He is fiercly loyal to his friends and family and would give them the shirt off his back if they needed it. He is also a wonderful father to our son Josh. He may not outwardly show it all of the time but he loves Josh with all of his heart and is so very proud of him. It is when he talks about Josh that you first see the cracks in the exterior.

Jim and I met in high school and got married soon after. We have had some really, really rough times in the over twenty years that we have been together but somehow we always rally and pull through. Over the years we have formed a partnership that works for us.

Like many men, Jim had a tendancy to not be very empathetic when I would get the flu or a severe cold. His answer was "take some nyquil and knock it out" even though I cannot do antihistimines. Of course, when he was sick- the world stopped. I don't mean to generalize but I have seen this dynamic many, many times in many, many marriages. When dad got sick, it was as if he were dying, but when Mom got sick- she was expected to take care of herself and go on as if she were fine. I am not saying he would not help out- because he absolutely would, but there was just a typical disconnect there. This concerned me when I first started showing symptoms of my RA. We didn't know what was going on- only that for some reason my body was rebelling.

I should have had more faith in him. He has come through while we fight this disease in a million ways. From the little things, like automatically opening a bottle of water before handing it to me, to the big things like taking over Wednesday nights so that I can go to bed very early, he supports me at all times. He went with me to learn how to give me my MTX injections in case my hands aren't working and I can't do it myself. He reads the literature that I bring home and the articles that I find. He encourages me to take naps when I need them and to do what I can without pushing me to do what I can't. He even came by work last winter when we got an ice storm to de-ice my car so that I didn't have to have my hands out in the cold weather for that long. He tries very hard to understand what I am feeling, while knowing that he can't truely understand what constant pain and stiffness can do to you both physically and emotionally. When I get frustrated with my limits, he steps in and helps without making me feel like he is doing me a favor. Best of all, he does these things without even thinking about it and without making me feel like I am less than.

I am just crazy about my honey and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I wish that everyone living with a chronic illness had someone like him to be their partner and support system as well.

Forty-two Ways in Forty Two Days- Work

This is a good time for this post for me. I have been struggling at work. Not because I can't do the job but because I just don't know how to let go. Part of my job is to train the people under me to DO my job. My job is all about details and the attention to the right details is just not there with the people I am training. Many, many hours are spent worrying about something that is small and can be quickly fixed and not enough time is spent looking at the big picture and the steps involved to get from point A to point B. I can't put my finger on it, but in addition to trying to unteach bad habits, I am ultimately responsible for the entire semester and I have to make sure that it is complete and correct. And so I struggle. Do I take on more than I should or do I stress and sweat over what may be missed and try to scramble at the last minute to fix it?

There is so much talk on the news, in the papers, in everyday conversation about so very many people losing their jobs and my company is in a very sound position. Though we are trimming payroll on the part time side and trimming expenses they are not getting rid of any of the full time people and they are not cutting any benefits. We are so very fortunate to work for this company and that is one of the big reasons that I so want to do a great job for them. I want to show them my gratitude for taking care of me in this difficult economy and to set an example for the staff as to what can be done even without the extra part time help when we buckle down and follow the steps. I am so grateful to have my job and that Jim has his and we are hanging in there. I am trying so hard to keep that in the front of my mind when I become frustrated and typing this post will solidify my resolve and I can be thankful for that as well.

Forty-two Ways in Forty-two Days- My Mom

I know that I have talked about my parents before. I posted on Father's day about my Dad. Today I want to focus on Mom. I mentioned in that post that she was a wonderful lady and I meant that.

Mom and I are quite a bit alike and did a lot of things in a 20 year parallel. Mom was born in '47, I was born in '67 (Josh was born in '87). She graduated in '65, I graduated in '85. She got married in '66, I got married in '86. She celebrated her 43rd anniversary married to my dad this February- I celebrated my 23rd anniversay married to Jim this February- our anniversaries are 4 days apart. Mom did a little college- I did a little college. We both get our temperments from my Granny- Mom's mom. She passed away a few years ago and left a huge hole in our hearts. Mom and I have both struggled with our weight for years, the difference is that Mom has come to terms with her issues- I have not. We have also struggled with our health.

Anyone who reads this blog knows that I live with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was diagnosed at 38. Prior to that, most of my health issues centered around cervical displasia and fibroid turmors on my uterus. I had so many procedures that I still have to take a muscle relaxer before my annual exam. I know it's silly because in comparison to what I deal with now- and what Mom has dealt with but it is my hangup. Mom had the three of us girls between 1967 and 1971. After us, Mom had three unsuccessful pregnancies. I remember each of them and the heartbreak they brought her and dad. They never found a reason- just theories. When Mom was just three years older than I am now, she had a severe (are there less severe?) heart attack. Fortunately it wasn't hugely painful for her. She actually thought that she had pulled a muscle helping my son with his seatbelt on the way to send him home to us. When they went in- she ended up having emergency bypass surgery. At that point they thought perhaps the root of her issues were a stopped thyroid. Needless to say we have checked my thyroid often since then. Just a couple of years ago-before her 60th birthday, Mom had a stroke. It scared the hell out of us and spurred Jim and I to move out to Indiana so that we could be closer to her and Dad and help out any way we were needed.

In just as many ways as we are alike, Mom and I are different. For all of my life, Mom has been the heart, soul and glue of our family. While Dad was overseas during Vietnam, mom worked outside the home as well as raised me. When he came home, she became a stay at home mom. She was up with us in the morning to get us off to school. She was home when we got back at the end of the day. She kept the house and made it a home. When Dad went back to active duty, it was Mom who handled the moves so seamlessly that we marveled at how quickly she could make our new house- be they temporary living quarters or regular housing- a home. We would move in on one day, go to school the next and come home to find the house ready to live in. I have never had that talent. When Dad had to go TDY, or on Remote- Mom was always there- keeping us going. Mom nurtured our talents, she supported our dreams, and she made us believe that we could do or be anything we wanted. Mom was happy being at home and raising her family. That is something that I didn't have. I wanted to work outside the home. I wanted to try and be "super-mom". In hindsight, SHE was SuperMom. In addition to keeping our home and raising us, Mom supported Dad's career. She did the "military wives" thing with all of the accompanying clubs and duties of being an officer's wife. She volunteered her time, she baked for the troops, she knew their families and was there for them at all hours of the day and night. I knew it at the time- I just didn't "see" all the work she did that was above and beyond the call of duty.

It is funny how our perspective changes when we grow up. When she was "just" my mom I couldn't see the woman she was. When I think back, I see all the things she did for other people. I can see her being there with Dad- attending and hosting functions, typing his papers for school late into the night, organizing squadron events and doing so much more. I see her strength. I see her commitment. I see her compassion. I see the love she extended to our friends. I see what an impact she had on people outside her family. Now that I am older and I am back in the same state as my parents and spend as much time as I can with them, I see that that hasn't changed one iota even with her health issues. Dad may be the Pastor at the two churches in Ft. Branch- but Mom works just as hard as he does right beside him in her own way as she has her whole married life. Mom is both an inspiration and a role model. I only hope- as I do with Dad and Jim- that Josh can look back and say the same about me one day. When I "grow up"- I want to be more like my mom. I love her dearly and am eternally grateful to have had the Mother that I was given.

Forty-two ways in forty two ways- Quiet

We spent many, many years in the city. Almost 20 years in the overpopulated city of Lowell, MA located 35 miles north of Boston. Honking horns, traffic, sirens, yelling people, a cacaphony of sound that becomes background noise for any city-dweller. Restaurants, shopping, night life, public transportation, the availability of minor and major league sports, plays, concerts, art openings and other entertainment and cultural possibilities, educational options from community classes to higher education were things we took for granted. Add to that the fact that we raised a child there- with all the accompanying noise of friends and music and lessons and whatnot and the din can be quite deafening, but you become so accustomed to it all that you don't even notice.

In 2007 we moved to the very, very small town of Madison, IN. It was total culture shock. Madison is a picturesque little place on the Ohio river. The kind of town that rolls up its streets at 8pm. The silence was louder than the noise had ever been. It was so opposite what we were accustomed to that we fled as often as possible to Louisville for dinner, for shopping, for exposure to busy streets. Jim even had a really tough time sleeping without the noise. We did learn- very quickly- to love our deck on our townhouse. We could sit on it and revel in the peace and solitude all while being serenaded by the birds and squirrels and raccoons and deer that dwelled in the state park behind us. It was a completely different symphony from the one in the city- but a symphony none the less.

When we had the option to move down to New Albany, a larger town and only 4 miles from the city, we jumped. We just weren't ready for the complete solitude of Madison. New Albany is a compromise. Still a quiet town, but with just enough city in it to help us acclimate. Perhaps if we had done it in reverse- we could have been very happy in Madison when the time came, but I think it was meant to be this way. We thought that we needed the noise as well as the opportunities. Heck, Jim even slept like a baby the first night in NA when we heard siren just before we fell asleep.

We learned this weekend just how accustomed to the quiet that we have become. My darling nephew flew in to spend two weeks with my parents on Friday. I had forgotten how much little boys talk- and talk- and talk. Besides talk- there is just plain noises. Mouth noises, moving around, fiddling around on the piano, playing with the trumpet, all the "kid staving off boredom" stuff. And it drove us more than a little nutty. By the time Sunday lunch came- we were ready to take our dog and escape back to our home and to the quiet. We even told my dad that we would be siting on the couch just looking at each other not saying a word for the whole night-lol.

I am thankful for how quiet my life has become. I am also thankful to have learned that lesson from my nephew this weekend. Now I can revel in it when I realize how good I have it.

Forty-two brings new goals and new challenges.

SO. Today is my forty-second birthday. I have to say that after reflecting on this in the days leading up to today-this is probably "mid-life" for me. The reason I am thinking this way is because there are many, many days that I feel "42"- but there are also quite a few days where I feel like I am "84". Pretty much anyone with a chronic illness like RA will be able to relate to that on some level. But one thing I DON'T feel any longer- is younger than my age. The funny thing is- I am okay with that. I have thought about this long and hard most of the day and I am perfectly okay with where I am in my life right now.

Being born in 1967, I am in some really good company (Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Meg Cabot,Dara Torres, Dave Matthews, Andre Rison, Deion Sanders et al.) and some more...dubious company (take your guesses from the list of folks born in my year http://www.nndb.com/lists/966/000105651/ ). I have a grown son, I have been married to my high school sweetheart since 1986. That's a lot of years. I am proud of those years and I wouldn't wish them away for anything.

Now- as this is a "new year" perhaps the REAL New Year of a person's life, I have come up with some goals and challenges for myself.

First- my GOALS for this year:

1- It is my goal to blog "42 Ways in 42 Days". For the next 6 weeks, beginning tomorrow, I am going to blog a specific thing that I am grateful for- not just what it is but WHY I am grateful for it. I have thought through and started my list, but there are plenty of spots open to add as I go along. If I have something else on my mind I can either do a second post here or I can put it at my less used blog on this server called "Just a place to Ramble".

2- My next goal is to do something strictly for someone else at least once a week. Not a favor- just a service. This is something that I will have to annotate elsewhere, because I don't want to feel like I am doing it to brag about it- but I do want to talk about the results and how I feel after.

Now for the CHALLENGES:

1- Two years ago when I moved out here- I was 25lbs less than I am right now. At that time I was happy with my progress but only half way to where I wanted to be. Now- I just want to get back there as a start. My challenge is finding the energy to move more and limiting my portions on a regular basis. I know what needs to be done- I just need to do it!

2- Until such time as we have the extra disposable income, I NEED to teach myself and start practicing yoga. I have two DVD's and a set of cards with basic yoga positions on them. I need to add them to my life because everything I read tells me that yoga will bring a lot of value to my life both mentally and physically.

There is more- but I need to focus- and here is where we are going for the time being. Let's hope that 42 is a great year!

Welcome Spring-in July?

No, I am not crazy. I do know that Summer officially started 10 days ago. Our spring so far has been hot, hot, hot and muggy, muggy, muggy. We have averaged in the nineties with a ton of rain. This morning- the first day of July- I woke up to take my little princess out for her walk at 4:30 am and it was a gorgeous 62 degrees out. What a beautiful surprise! Harley and I walked and walked and I stretched my muscles as much as I could while we were out there.

I came back home and made my honey a sandwich to take his medrol with (poor guy has severe hives)while I waited for my coffee to brew. I flipped on the news and my weather person informed me that it will only reach the high seventies the next two days. This weather is perfect for me. My only regret is that I am not able to stay home for the next 48 hours to throw open all of my windows and enjoy this.

I start my Humira today and I am a *wee bit* anxious about it. When I talked to the nurse I told her the reaction that I have to the Enbrel (4+ hours feeling like I am on speed- then a severe crash) she was blown away. She had never heard of such a thing. She said I could have the same reaction with the Humira- or it could be doubled since it is only a bi-weekly dosage rather than weekly. Wouldn't that be fun? I just hope that indeed the Enbrel was the reason for the muscular pain and that we are not looking at Fibro too. I just don't want to have to add another med to my regimine. So- we give this a shot- no pun intended. LOL

SO- I am thankful that we have two beautiful days before we start to climb back into summer.

I am thankful that Jim has the medrol pack to start making him feel better and am hopeful that we have found the cause (we think it is the store brand tylenol he bought last week) so we can avoid this happening again.

I am so thankful that tomorrow night we get to head to see Mom and Dad and I get a nice long weekend to relax.

Lastly I am eternally grateful that we still have options to treat my RA and let me live a full and happy life.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful day and that your weather is as temperate as mine.

I was reading this morning- I read his blog every day. This morning he was talking about depression and dealing with it. While reading his blog, I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that I think I have a really weird hang-up about depression.

I can't deny that I get down; I have the "why me?" moments, the "what in the world is going to happen to me next?" moments and the overwhelming fear that goes with living with a chronic illness and chronic pain. My weird hang-up is that when I get into that mode- and then realize that I am in that mode- it makes me angry. Angry is actually kind of mild. I become furious. Furious at the disease for existing and choosing my body to invade, and furious at myself for failing to stay positive. The anger is a good thing in a way. I don't like being down in the dumps and the anger is completely different. I am not saying that being that furious is a good thing- but the anger burns itself out a lot faster than if I were to allow myself to spiral down into the pit of despair- which is always a possibility if I don't recognize the signs.

I try so hard to be positive. I try to be genuinely grateful for all of the things in my life that I have been blessed with. I can't help but think about my physical illness every single day of my life. I know that. There are pill to take, shots to inject, and there is the fact that I have to arrange my life around them and the side effects that they bring and my ever-changing physical limitations. That means that it is never far from my mind.

I read a lot of Rheumatoid Arthritis and Chronic Pain messageboards. So many of these people are so very miserable in their lives. It makes me very sad for them. They don't talk- even in the off topic parts of the boards- about anything that doesn't relate to their conditions. After a while I can't even read the boards. That is what keeps me out of support groups as well. I can absolutely give support when it is needed or desired. I am happy to do so. The problem is that I feel that when you are in a negative place- everything else negative in your life magnifies and it can just take over. I don't want to be like that.

What I don't want is for this to consume my life. My life is far more than just my disease. I am a proud mother, a loving wife, a good daughter. I am a loyal friend, a hard-working employee and hopefully within a year or so I will go back to being a student. I am honest, I am smart and I am inquistive. I am creative, I am well rounded (in more ways than one-smile) and I am passionate. I feel that when I get down I am letting the RA become more important than the other aspects of who I am and that is what fuels the anger. I know-it's weird- but that is me. It's who I am and I know that. In some ways it encourages others to diminish what I deal with- but I would rather that than to lose the many important other parts of my life.

SO that's that. Now I know where I am with the topic of depression and what makes me tick. I am off to take a shower so I can take the hubbs to urgent care when he gets out of work because he looks like he walked into a swarm of mosquitos and it is spreading so he is miserably itchy and uncomfortable. Here's hoping they give him a steroid injection that will take care of his itchies and let him get some rest. Have a pain-free day!

Quick notes of gratitude

This is yesterday's list but there was a glitch so it was sitting in draft mode. LOL


*I am so thankful to be back home. It has been a long week.

*I am thankful that we had a beautiful storm this morning (even if it meant being up at 3:00 am)

*I am thankful that the power came back on after only 3 hours. LOL

*I am thankful that I was able to spend two days sharing ideas and information with a bunch of really bright people and to learn new things both days of this meeting.

*I am thankful that I have had time to think and reflect and know what my focus needs to be at the moment.

*I am thankful that I have another day to try and live in the present and not get bogged down in the past or stuck trying to figure out my future.

Father's Day

I know that I am a day late on this one, but I had a million things to do and wanted to think about this while I did my stuff yesterday.

I am very, very lucky. I have the most wonderful father in the world. Now- my mother is also wonderful- but I want to focus on Dad at the moment. For the majority of my life, my dad served our country. He was an enlisted military man from before I was until I was 2 when he came back during the Vietnam era (1969). Then he supported us girls by working at the Whirlpool plant while going to college and fulfilling the ROTC requirements in 1975. At that time, he went back to active duty as an officer. We followed him across the country and overseas until each and every one of us graduated from high school (and Heather from college) and all got married. He did days, he did nights, he did remote tours and at some points frequent TDY's. Mom was definately a force during this time as she was the glue that held us together- but never once in our lives did we doubt that Dad loved us. In addition to fulfilling the frequent demands placed on him by Uncle Sam- dad coached our little league teams, helped Mom with Girl Scouts and attended as many of our games, performances and recitals as he possibly could. In addition to being completely involved with us- he also lead his troops with the kind of hands on leadership that showed us service to others. After retiring from the military in 2001- he did a complete 180 degree turn and served his community in a new way. He became a pastor at not one but two churches. Overall Dad has a great heart and taught us family first.

I also lucked out and found Jim. Though we have definately had our problems in our marriage- one thing has always been consistant. Jim was a good father to Josh.

It is my hope that one day Josh will take what he has seen from the two of them and one day be a good father himself.

I am so grateful for the men that I have in my life.

Down time

I love down time. I really am grateful for having my weekends and evenings free. I know that that may sound silly to some- okay most- but you are looking at a person who has been known to work 100 days in a row- with no day off. When I did have a day off it was more about recovery than recharging my batteries. How crazy is that?
Now, my possibilities are limitless. I can do anything from curl up with a good book to take a long walk with Harley to take a weekend away.

I am thinking about this this morning because Mom and Dad are on "vacation". They head to Vegas several times a year, but this time they are driving up to Mackinac Island. They are meandering up to the Island and then back, spending a couple of days in Amish country then coming back through Dubuque and seeing the sights. That is just the kind of trip that Jim and I would love. Road trips are so enjoyable. Especially road trips where you can take your time and see the area, not be under any pressure to get someplace by a certain time. Some day when we can afford that kind of trip- we will do it. Until then- I will put a photo of the island on my vision board and use it to keep my dream alive.

I will also use it so that I don't take my time off for granted. I need to work on getting to a place where I keep up with my home duties during the week so that the weekends aren't taken up by errands and housework. I guess that just is another area where I am a work in progress. :-) It's a blessing to just have the opportunity to keep working on this transformation.

A gratitude list.

This morning, I just want to think about some specific things that I am grateful for.

I am grateful that we have a roof over my head and walls to keep me safe from the weather. I know that far too many people are without those simple things.

I am grateful that despite the odds, Jim and I still love one another so much after over 23 years.

I am very grateful that Joshua was born healthy and remains so after 22 years. I have dear friends who struggle with everything from Autism to Downs Syndrome to physical issues with their children and we are so very lucky to have had a healthy child all around.

I am grateful that I have a wonderful family. Many of my friends were raised under extremely difficult circumstances. I could not begin to touch on the dysfunction that they grew up with. I am so very lucky to have had a happy childhood surrounded by love and affection. I hate that I took that for granted and wasn't as grateful for it as I should have been while it was going on. I only hope that Josh can look back and feel the same way one day.

I am grateful that we both have jobs. This economy is very, very frightening. Most anyone who is job hunting is looking at a minimum of 6 months out of work or taking anything they can to make ends meet. We have been very fortunate. I work for a company that is taking hits but is very solid. Jim has a good, solid, and very diverse background. Because he is so versatile he has been kept on over people who have years of seniority. Each round of layoffs we have given a big sigh of relief when he was spared.

I am grateful for the ability to have kept in touch with so many people who have meant something in my life and to have come back in contact with many more. If it were not for facebook and email- many of these folks would be lost to me.

I am very grateful for medical science. I cannot imagine where I would be right now if it were not for my methotrexate and my other meds. I do know that I would not be able to sit here this early in the morning and type all of this up. Before MTX it was up to four hours that my hands just didn't work at all. Now- they are relatively useful in about an hour. If it goes under twenty minutes, I am officially in remission. I am so close that I can live with this forever. MTX has made a huge, huge difference in my life.


I have so many blessings in my life. I really am a very lucky woman.

A little post about The Shack #1

So my parents read this book. Wm. Paul Young's The Shack. They were both blown away, and they even used it for a book discussion at their church. They told me about it before the discussion and told me they would pass it along when the group was over. In the meantime, my boss and several other people also recommended it. I have to admit- that when a book gets that big of a build-up I have a tendancy to avoid it because I honestly don't want to be let down. Right around when Mom and Dad finished and gave it to me, I joined a book club on Facebook and since they were looking for books to read, I suggested this one. I still wasn't sure I wanted to get into it, but the premise to this one really piqued my curiosity. God (aka Papa)as a large black woman? Jesus as a middle eastern man? The holy spirit (Sarayu)as a small oriental woman? Taking a man back to the sight of his worst tragedy to meet God in person? Where could this story go?

Then I read it. It honestly blew me away. I was so enthralled with it that when I finished it, I told my fellow bookies that I wanted to read it again- with a highlighter- before I discussed it. Saturday afternoon, I got through three quarters of it again with my highlighter. I am sure that as I review it again and again- and I AM keeping it- and as I discuss it with my group there will be so many exciting things to write about but today I want to touch on my three biggest takeaways.

In this book, Jesus asks Mack where he lives the most of his life- in the Past, the Present or the Future in his own mind. Like many of us, Mack spends a lot of his time in the past and the most of the rest of the time trying to figure out this future. We spend very little time just living in the present. Why do we do that? Our lives go by so quickly as it is and here we are thinking about what was and what will be rather than what is. One of my new goals is to retrain myself to live NOW- not focus so much on the past and the future. SO- if you see me falling into that trap- call me on it!

The second thing that really touched my core was the relationship between Papa, Jesus and Sarayu. It was a relationship that awed Mack as well. Several times they talked about the dynamics and the best description was that it was a circular relationship. There was no Chain of Command amongst them. Because there was no concern with power and because they considered themselves all equal, it freed them to be able to be as concerned for one another as for themselves. Is that something that we, as people can achieve? Can we learn to let go of the importance of our own wants and put our mates wants and needs as equally important to our own? There is so much more to it than this, but I haven't figure out how to articulate it and I think that as I figure this out I will figure out how to apply it to ALL of my relationships- and perhaps by example, start a small revolution within my world.

The final thing that had an impact for me was the importance of forgivness. This is something that I have been working toward and struggling with for several months now and I think that is why it so resonated with me. The very important part for me is this: "Forgiveness does not establish a relationship." and further "Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver...to release you from something that will eat you alive..." I think for me, that has been the sticking point. I have always felt that by forgiving I was giving the okay to be back in my life as if nothing had ever happened, but I have learned from this book that that is not how it has to be. I don't need to have people who have wronged me in my life- I need only forgive them and then move on. That way the anger and irritation that festers inside me can be banished and I can put more positivity and gratitude in its place. That would be a much better place for me mentally, physically and emotionally. So that is my biggest goal. To open my heart and forgive those who have hurt me and mine in the past and then choose the ones that I want to reestablish a relationship with and not have any guilt about any that I don't.

If I can acheive these three things, I will be filled with grace and peace. I am so thankful that this book was available to touch my life in this way. I look forward to sharing more with you as I go on.

My Story for the Access for Affordable Healthcare forum

I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in 2005, just a month after my 38th birthday. I was one of the lucky ones. After about a year of repeated - yet sporadic- treatment for carpal tunnel, frozen shoulder and bursitis, my LPN listened to what I had to say at my yearly physical and sent me for bloodwork. My rheumatoid factor came back very elevated and I was off to the rheumatologist.

In the last four years, I have been through two rheumatologists (due to a cross country move, not dissatisfaction), a plethora of pharmaceutical cocktails and countless hours of pain. I am at a point now where I am currently taking Tramadol every day for pain and Folic Acid every day to combat the side effects (hair loss) of my other medications. Every Sunday I give myself an injection containing a cc of Methotrexate, which makes me so tired that Sunday's are generally a forgotten day. On Wednesday, I give myself an injection of Enbrel at lunchtime. This drug gives me a burst of energy for anywhere from 4-6 hours and then I crash- much like a steroid would work. That means that on Wednesday, I am in bed around 6:30 pm. When I was diagnosed and up until we found this combination, I would wake up every morning at 5am so that I could let my body have enough time to be functional by 8am when I had to go to work. It generally took three to four hours before I had full use of my body parts. Thanks to my current drug regimine I now have full use in about an hour.

Though this combination has done some very good things for me, it has in no way eradicated my pain. I still have constant pain in my feet, my hips, my back, my shoulders and my neck as well as roaming pain in my knees, elbows, wrists and fingers. I do not sleep through the night- which of course affects my productivity. Because of this, my rheumatologist has gave me Flexeril approximately 6 weeks ago to try and help me go to sleep at night. Thus far it has not made a difference. When I return tomorrow morning for my follow up visit and my routine bloodwork she will let me know if she has determined if we are dealing with Fibromyalgia as well as my already determined Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

In many ways I am very fortunate. I have had the luxury of health insurance since before my diagnosis. My current out of pocket expenses are a $300.00 deductable each year, and then 20% of my bills for the rest of the year- that is a minimum of 10 visits to my Rheumatologist alone, bloodwork at each visit, and routine x-rays. I also pay just over $80.00 a month for my medications- medications that without my insurance would cost me $2687 a month. Last year I had physical therapy for a couple of months. I am still paying for that. My doctor currently wants me to have hydrotherapy. Though it would be very beneficial for me, I have opted to wait until my therapy bills from last year are paid first. I am fortunate that I have a supportive family and a high tolerance for pain. I am also fortunate that aside from my RA related issues, I am a fairly healthy person and don't need a lot of other medical care. I cannot imagine how we would pay for all of the care that I do require if we had no insurance.

That said- we need healthcare reform. Even with insurance we are barely getting breaking even each month. RA is an unpredictable disease. I could still be where I am right now in 5 years but I could also be in a wheelchair by then. We will never know. In the worst case, I would have no way to perform my job, a job that is already being affect at this point. Without my job- I have no insurance. It is a viscious cycle and it needs to be addressed. It is my hope that the current administration can take the necessary steps to insure that people like me are not left by the wayside and do not end up facing losing everything over this disease

Ahhhhh, midweek

It is so funny how much I look forward to my weekends now. After so many years of giving them up to work I seem to guard them very jealously. This week is a little awkward. I see my Rheumatologist on Friday morning at 7:30 and then Friday afternoon I have a massage scheduled. Friday morning I guess I will find out the verdict on whether or not we are dealing with Fibromyalgia as well as RA. I just don't know how to feel about it. On one hand I want to pound my fists and cry. On the other, it's just another thing to deal with. Whatever the answer is- I can handle it. I WILL handle it. Of course- having a massage scheduled that afternoon. That was the best idea my sister has had recently.

Saturday I am proctoring the Praxis tests from 7-5. I guess it's the closest thing to a "part time" job I will have these days. Basically- I get to sit and watch these kids take their tests. It's decent money and only once a month at the very most. Its a good thing. Gives me a little extra money for medical bills or for things like that. I have another one in July then they are done for the summer.

Sunday will be time to relax. I am hoping that we go back to the zoo. We will have to see how I am feeling on Sunday morning. But even if we don't do the zoo, and we just relax all day- I am good with it. I really, really enjoy just having time to decompress and relax. I never knew how much I needed it and what I was missing- but now that I do, I can't imagine ever giving up my weekends on a routine basis again. I am so grateful to have my weekends, and grateful to be able to look forward to them. It makes the whole week seem to fly once you get to this point of the week.

I cannot believe the year is half over.

I woke up this morning bright and early (Thank you for Harley who went to bed early with me last night) so it was even earlier than usual when we went out for our walk. The stillness of the morning just grabbed me. It is a weird feeling to be out there with little Miss Dog and be the only people/things even stirring. There were one or two lights on in homes- but essentially, it was just us and the morning sky out there. There was a beautiful breeze that would come up just as you would think it was getting warm. There was no noise-NONE- when we walked away from the house. It wasn't until we were coming back that the birds started chirping, the planes (which we usually see circling while they wait to get in to Louisville airport) started heading in.

What this did for me was it really reminded me how small we are in comparison to the whole big world out there. It makes you stop, really stop and it heightens your senses as you look around and listen to see if there is anything else out there awake. The world and your little area of it just seems endless. As I did my morning list of things that I am grateful for- it really kind of put things into perspective. It made all of my worries seem so insignificant in the long run.
It was funny, it was right about the time that I was thinking about how very lucky we are that the world started waking up around us. Coincidence? Who knows? But it felt significant to me. Maybe I should start getting up at 4 every morning if it will help with perspective. We will have to see how the whole getting to bed early thing goes first.

A walk on the wild side?

Harley and I went out for our walk at 4:45am- but our walk was a little unusual this morning. First, we saw the most beautiful moon as we walked out the door. It was completely full and almost a light orange in color. I actually stood there mesemerized for a couple of minutes and I found myself looking back at it as we walked along.

It was also an interesting morning because as we approached the country club Harley spotted a deer. All 17 lbs of her let out a little "boof" and the deer started to take off and so we kept walking. As we came even with the driveway (we were on the other side of the street) the deer was standing there watching us and Harley stopped and just stared at it for a few beats before she started "boofing" again and soon the deer took off. I don't know what they though of one another- but I would love to know what was going on in both of their minds. The only light was a pale brightness from the moon so I couldn't tell if it was a doe or a very young buck- but whatever it was, it was very graceful and it apparently decided that Miss Harley was a bigger threat than her size.

Walking her in the morning (and evening) we could be walking anywhere. We see some traffic and rabbits on both walks, squirrels, people and cats in the evening. It is the clarity of the sky in the morning and seeing that deer serves as a gentle reminder that we are in a somewhat rural area. It definately makes me smile and starts the day in a good way. It pushes all of the exhaustion and the aches and pains out of the mind and allows me to just be very in the moment. For that, I am eternally grateful.

A lovely- normal-Saturday with my honey.

Yesterday we had nothing major on the agenda. We planned to go to Louisville to pick up cigarettes (we WILL conquer that habit one day!) and decided to check out the Oxmoor Mall and make a stop at WholeFoods while we were in town.

We spent the morning just piddling around and around 11am we decided to nap. Took a good long snooze and I got up before Jim and Harley so I sat on the porch and finished reading "The Shack". It is an amazing book- but it deserves a post of its own so I am not going to go into it here.

We headed out after our afternoon nap and stopped at Cox Smokers (yes- we are immature enough to occasionally snicker at the name-lol)and at the Harley place next door they were doing some kind of smoke show but we didn't stay around. We hopped back on the highway and got down to Oxmoor. We didn't know what to expect since the closest "mall" to us can be walked end to end in just under 10 minutes.

Now-I should preface this with- I am NOT a shopper like a lot of women. I hate buying clothes. Pretty much, if I try it on- it won't come home. I have some serious body issues and I am fully aware of it. It makes Jim pretty content because that's one thing we won't have to worry about our money going on a lot of clothes. HOWEVER- I love accessories and home things. Imagine my delight when we found a hobby shop up on the second floor (Jim was in heaven) as well as Coach, Fossil and more importantly SEPHORA! I love me some Sephora. I could spend a week in there with all of the perfumes and lotions and all of my Bare Minerals makeups. It is one of those stores that if I had the money- I would be there all the time. It ranks right up there with Bed, Bath and Beyond and The Container Store for me. So we walked around the mall- pleasantly surprised with the stores that they offer. Then we headed over to WholeFoods- which is my very favorite place in the world. I HAVE spent hours in there just looking and touching and enjoying the offerings. This visit we picked up some Naan bread and veggies so that we can do chicken kebabs on the grill today and fruits so I can have them for the week. We headed back to Indiana and decided to do our evening at home.

We had picked up a pizza (we had a coupon which is good- because the pizza was CRAP) from Pizza Hut and went home and ate an early dinner while we watched Kung Fu Panda. It was really cute. We have been very much neglecting our Wii- which we used to death when we first got it- so we bowled a couple of games then pulled out the Wii Fit and got back up on it. I made a new WiiMi because my last one just reminds me how I have neglected it-lol. It was pretty late by then but we decided to stay up and watch Live Free or Die Harder and then headed off to bed.

All in all- it probably sounds like a pretty boring day to most, but what I loved about it was that it was just so NORMAL. Not my "new normal"- but normal normal. We did routine things- none of which I felt limited to do. Even when we went to the mall, we took the elevator up and Jim asked if I would be okay with taking the stairs down (so sweet and supportive- but don't tell him) and when I told him down was fine- I just go a little slower he made a crack about that being age- not anything else-lol. When we went to the other part of the mall when there were 15 or so steps we went down them and he automatically headed to the ramp to go up. Not once did I feel like we had to make special accomodations, not once did I feel like I had to not do something because of my illnesses. It was a whole day of almost forgetting about the limits of my body. I got to spend the day with my honey like your average married couple. That alone made it a lovely, lovely day.

Ginger is a miracle!

A minor miracle- but a miracle none the less. Yesterday I was feeling pretty crappy. Coughing my face off, a heavy weight across the chest, every muscle aching and I couldn't get warm. I am hypersensitive to antihistimines so I just don't take cold meds but napped a lot with little improvement. Once Jim got home last night- I made a "quick" run to the store. I picked up the fixings for a ginger "tea" that I used to rely on when I felt myself getting sick back in my crazy work a million hour days that would head it off at the pass.

I got back home and pulled out a 16 oz tempered glass and brewed up the concoction. As I was drinking it, I could feel the weight loosening on my chest just a little. Even though I had been drinking coffee most of the day, I thought maybe it was the heat from the drink loosening things up for me. As I crunched on the ginger- I could start to breathe again through my nose. Ginger is good for that and always has been. I mixed up and drank another glass before bed and finally got to sleep.

This morning- I feel such a noticable difference that I feel human again. I have enough of my ingredients to have at least two glasses a day for the rest of the weekend. By Monday I will be right as rain and I totally credit this concoction.

If you want to know what I am using- here is the magic recipe:

16 oz boiling hot water
juice of half a lemon
diced fresh ginger- about half an inch of the root
plenty of honey

Put the lemon, ginger and honey in the glass and pour the boiling water over the top. Stir to melt the honey and then let it steep until it is cool enough to drink. As you drink the tea, crunch on the ginger root as it comes to the top. It WILL be peppery but will take on a little of the honey as well from the steeping.

Mix and drink as needed!

I am so grateful that we have the ability to create this totally natural- drug free-tea that makes me feel so much better. And I am also grateful that I will not be spending my weekend flat out in bed.

A couple of small things

This morning I am grateful for a few small things. They seem small to the world- but they make me smile.

I am grateful that Josh calls me on a regular basis. I just got off the phone with him and I am grateful that even though there isn't some "big news" or anything earthshattering to talk about, he calls anyway. We just talk about about what we are doing with our day or plans for the weekend, how work is going, how my shots are going, what's new with the family. Just mundane stuff but it really means so much.

I am grateful for my Tramadol. This morning I couldn't bend two inches to the right or left and now, an hour later, I can almost move at my "new normal". I had one of those "wake up and can't bend over- feet swollen enough that I am walking like a weeble and hips just aching- boy does Rheumatoid Arthritis SUCK" mornings. I know that I have SO much work to do and thankfully- the Tramadol will get me through until Friday night.

I am grateful that tonight is Wednesday. I will take my Enbrel shot at lunch and tonight will be blissful, blissful sleep for many hours. Enbrel will give me a "punch" to get through the afternoon and then by 6:30 I will crash for the night.

I am grateful for Facebook. I spent last night tutoring my dad on Facebook. He set up the account all on his own and last night we just had fun with him learning how to use it. It is such a great social networking site. I have found friends that I lost touch with so many years ago and we have renewed those friendships. My sisters are both there, and it gives us a glimpse into on another's lives. Now dad is there too. Just another avenue to keep us all close.

Sometimes it is just the small things in life that make things so wonderful.

What a day~

I am definately overdoing it. I know I have for the last two days. My knuckles, ankles and feet are pretty darned swollen right now. However......I feel like I have accomplished SO very much! We have dismantled the first Summer Session, set up the Second Summer and started moving Fall books into place for 1/2 of the departments. That is HUGE this early in the summer.

Tomorrow I am dressing down and going to spend my day in the stock room working on the books we need to return from the first session and if I get that done- will start tackling the five pallets of books we have in the back for fall. At the end of the week- I know I will pay- but I have the whole weekend to recover. I am also thinking of taking off early on Thursday since I had to unexpectedly stay and close last night. Thursday is supposed to be a beautiful day. It would be a great day to come home and just plain relax. Everyone needs that kind of day once in a while.

Another Gorgeous Sunday

As I write this, I am sitting outside on my patio and it is a lovely 67 degrees. The sun is breaking through the trees that extend out and cover the patio. Harley is chasing the squirrels that are scampering in those same trees as much as she can from her 25ft lead. The coffee beside me (my honey ground some Dunkin Donuts beans for me <3) competes with the honeysuckle for best smell as the breeze gently brings them both up to my nose. All in all, it is a perfect setting for having spent the last hour reflecting on just how blessed I am.

Even in my darker hours, I know I am very, very fortunate. I have a husband who loves me as much- though in a much more mature way- as when we were married over 23 years ago. I have parents who are just wonderful people. They are a great example for all of us as they are still as crazy about each other as when THEY were married over 43 years ago. They also show each one of us; their children, grandchildren and sons-in-laws their love and affection for each of us in a myriad of ways. I have two sisters who are beautiful both inside and out who, though I am the oldest, teach me things all the time. I have a son who I love dearly and who has no problem telling and showing me that he loves me in return. I have learned that I may not always LIKE his decisions but ultimately, I am proud of him and the man he is becoming. His determination to do things his own way is a part of me that both makes me crazy and quietly proud at the same time. I have a host of "in-laws" who, though we don't get to spend nearly enough time together, are still family and I love dearly for their diversity and love for the ones that I love. And we can't forget Harley- my loving companion who is just as sweet as can be and keeps me moving when I just plain don't want to. You know, we girls always thought that we had a pretty untraditional upbringing considering our military background and moving all the time. We girls fought and made up, we ganged up on one another and went through loving and disliking one another- but as I look back and compare to many families- we were practically the Cleavers. LOL


I am also blessed that Jim and I both have good jobs even in this economy. We have a roof over our heads, we have food in the pantry and freezer and we have heat and ac to keep us comfortable at night. So very many people are lacking those basic things. We also have our health. I know- I just said that despite living with Rheumatoid Arthritis and possibly Fibromyalgia. But if you took the RA and Fibro out of the equation - we are both very healthy. Even more- we have insurance to help us cover my many doctor's visits and prescriptions that run into the tens of thousands of dollars a year. Yes- you read correctly- Enbrel alone is $20,000 a year. But with my insurance- it only runs us $40.00 a month for that one- thank goodness.

We are blessed to have a few really good friends who have kept in touch with us despite the distance after our move two years ago. Their love and friendship have meant the world to us and took the sting out of finding out who lives the "out of sight, out of mind" way of handling their relationships.

Even my RA has been a blessing in disguise. I bet you are thinking "She's gone nuts!" But it has. It has forced me to slow down. It has forced us to be more resourceful. In rough financial times pre-RA, I would have just taken a second job. That would have helped us to get through the rough spot, and then we would have started to live up to the extra income without saving anything. Then something would happen that would set us back again and we would take extra hours to get through that. It was a vicious cycle. Now- that is just not possible. Now- when we hit a rough patch, we automatically tighten our belts to get through. We may not have savings, we may not have a ton of disposable income, but we have found that we do have what it takes to cut back and make it through. And that is a WONDERFUL feeling.

I am so blessed in so many ways that I could keep going on forever- but it is time for my MTX shot and my Sunday nap- something else I never would have scheduled before my diagnosis.

I hope that everyone can take a few moments today and count their many blessings.

We DID It!

Dad and I got out there this morning and rocked our 5k Arthritis Walk. Louisville did a good job of hosting it- better than E-ville at any rate. One thing that makes me a little sad is that RA- and Arthritis in general- are so easily ignored.

Perhaps it is a lack of awareness. Perhaps it is that it is not considered a "fatal illness". Having walked the Breast Cancer Walks- which are a wonderful cause- and having seen the turnouts for the ACS's Relay for Life and then looking at the participation for the Arthritis Foundation's last two events serves to underscore just how invisible our disease is.

Oh well- I still feel like I accomplished something today. I am definately paying for it now (multiple ice packs thanks) but it was well worth it.

Great job to all the walkers, the volunteers and the folks who were out there to cheer us on. The River City Drum Corp was FANTASTIC. Those kids really kept us with a pep in our step through the whole walk and the sponsors had a lot of good information out there for us.

Now I am off to nurse my joints before my little princess needs her evening constitutional.

The Arthritis Foundation Walk

This weekend is my second and final walk of the year. We did the first one in Evansville, IN a couple of weeks ago.

I just want to share what this walk means to me. In May of 2004, 2005, 2006 and 2007 I walked the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in honor of my beloved Granny. That walk involves serious fundraising (minimum $1800 per walker) and then the walk itself is 13.1 miles the first day (up to 26 is you are super motivated and fit- which I am not-lol) and then tenting out overnight and then walking a second 13.1 back to the starting point. It is long, it is tiring, it is worth every single blister that I got-and I averaged 10+ per walk-lol. In the four years, one year was absolutely beautiful, one it was snowing, and two it was raining. But I would have walked it again and again and again.

Then- RA entered my life in August 2005. 2006 was a rough year. I did my walk and packed so much Thermacare along that I was a giant heat wrap all night. After the walk it was weeks before I could walk right again- it triggered a serious flare. 2007 I was almost afraid to walk- but I was determined because we raised enough for my son-who was finally old enough- to walk with me and because I was leaving the Northeast a few weeks after the walk. I did it- I completed the whole thing- and I paid enough that I knew that it was my last one. :-(

It has been two years since that last walk- and last year I really, really missed it. I missed the fundraising for a cause I believe in. I missed the training, I missed the camaraderie. I try very hard to live my life positively- but that was one thing I could not get past giving up.

Over the last year I have begun my methotrexate and got it to a good level for me, I have begun Enbrel- and it is working well- and most importantly- I adopted Harley who makes me get out there every single morning and night and put one foot in front of the other.



Those three things made me confident enough to find a new walk to work toward and I recruited my dad to walk with me. At the beginning of the month- when we did the first AF walk of the year- and we did it in good time- I felt like I had reclaimed a lost part of my life. And it felt GREAT. I can't wait for our walk on Saturday. If I do these three miles with as much ease as the last three- there will be no stopping me!

A fellow blogger made my day yesterday!

When you are dealing with RA, very often you feel that there is just NOONE that understands what you are going through. I have been fortunate enough to find several blogs that, when you read them, just make you say "Ahhhhhhhhh- there's someone who knows!"

Yesterday, one of the blogs that I follow posted a "60 Second Guide to Rheumatoid Arthritis". I literally rejoiced when I read it. The gentleman was kind enough to not only post it, but to also create a PDF version that we can use to educate...well anyone! I sent it to my family and friends, I posted it on Facebook and Myspace, I Re-Tweeted it on Twitter. Now I am sharing it here. The more people we can educate, the better. Like with everything, with RA- knowledge is power.

Enjoy the article. And if you read it and it helps you understand or if it helps you to educate someone- leave him a comment and let him know.

http://www.rheumatoidarthritisguy.com/?page_id=1671

Sleep

I can't believe how much a difference a little sleep can make in my life. It has been a huge change to go from an average of 4 hours a night, which I did for over 15 years, to an average of 7 hours a night. I definately feel the difference when I DON'T get my sleep. One reason my Rheumy feels that I may be dealing with Fibro as well as RA is the sleep issue. For months- and I think it was all stress induced- I haven't been sleeping full nights and definately feeling it in the mornings and evenings with more joint and muscle pain. So she gave me a muscle relaxer to take in the evening to see if it would help me with that problem. It does- somewhat. All I know is that the more sleep I get- the better I feel. Last night I was really sore and took two of my pain pills (I have permission to take up to 8 a day) and my muscle relaxer and once I was able to fall asleep. I slept like the dead. This morning- I feel WONDERFUL!

It really makes me want to kick myself for taking sleep for granted for so many years. Who knows how much less damage I could have done to my body. I am not crazy- I know that I could not have stopped the diseases from hitting me- but could I have minimized the damage? We will never know. But I do know that I am going to focus on getting more now that I see the difference.

With everything you give up, you gain something else

I was lamenting last night some of the "me" things that I have "given up" since I moved out to Indiana. Fortunately, my brain is in good enough a place that I immediately switched gears to the things I have gained in return.

So here are just a few things that I have given up:

Bi-Weekly Manicures.
Bi-Weekly Pedicures.
Bi-weekly to Monthly Haircuts.
Regular evenings out with my honey and friends.
Regular Massages.
My membership to Weight Watchers

A few things I have gained in return:

Time- those things all take time.
A lack of need for a 2nd job (they take money too!)
A renewed sense of self
Less stress
Clarity

Though I do miss being able to pamper myself on a regular basis, I have found that I don't NEED it, I just enjoy it. I have found that the things that were a part of being a little on the "high maintenance" side, did not define me. I spent so many years- and thousands of dollars- on my hair, my nails, my toes, and worrying about my appearance that I lost sight of the fact that those were indugences not necessities. Heck- before my RA- I might not have needed the massages had I not been working two jobs for so many years and constantly stressing myself out.

Of course, now with the Rheumatoid Arthritis and possible Fibromyalgia to boot- the massages are medical as well as indulgences. I am going to have to figure out how to work them back into my life. I am also going to have to either work back in Weight Watchers or a membership to the Y because losing some (or all) of this weight would be a big medical benefit as well. As for the rest- I am doing just fine without my acrylics, an occasional pedicure when I do a charity walk will do me just fine, and as for my hair.....once it grows back I can just as well have highlights at someplace like Supercuts as I can at any salon since I don't have my Jody any more. The grays are peeking through and though I have accepted them- I could live with "blending" them instead of having them stand out so much.

But back to the things I have gained- my life is so much more peaceful, and so much more full. Interesting thought that- fuller with less. Something to ponder as I go about my day.

It's been a crazy couple of months.

Unfortunately, we lost Mom F just a few weeks ago. The whole thing was just heartbreaking. Every day I am just thankful that I had 25 years with her as my mom too. Never once did we have the "inlaw" boundaries thing between us. I only hope that everyone else is able to find some peace. It is sad how death of a loved one brings out the worst in people. Just another reason I am glad we are out here in Kentuckiana rather than plopped in the middle of everything.

Jim's job had more layoffs yesterday. Just when it looked like things were getting back to "normal" for them- another 20 jobs were cut. It really is getting scary. Each time they trim more staff, my heart jumps into my throat- even though we have a plan if he does get laid off. I am just very, very fortunate that my job is relatively secure. We just need to look and see where we can cut back in our daily lives so that if it happens- we can be okay.

On top of all of that- it looks like I may be facing Fibromyalgia on top of my RA. Evidently my RA is under control- but I am still having a lot of daily pain. Now that the joints are doing better- we can point to the muscles as where the current pain is originating.

It is very difficult to practice gratitude and positivity in the face of all of these challenges. During my review yesterday (which was good) my boss mentioned that she has noticed the stress getting to me. I was planning to work on Friday- just to add more comp time- but I think it is time to take it off and just relax. I think I need to take Harley out and just play. I think I need to get caught up at the house and to take a day that is for nothing other than to consider all the good things in my life. Usually when I can get my mind into the right mindset- one where I am feeling positive and thankful- the answer to my challenges come more easily.

Such a beautiful morning.

It is amazing to me that even at 3am, with a cloudless "morning", the birds are chirping and ready to start their day. Harley and I went out for a walk and the darkeness enveloped us like a welcome cloak. The stillness of the morning air was so peaceful. Though we saw half a dozen or so lights on in the complex, it was as if we were the only two in the world. It is very freeing to feel as if we are the only two beings out there. It actually starts the day with a wonderful feeling. That said- I don't know that it is a good enough feeling to want to do it every day- but when it happens that the little princess wakes me up that early- it won't be so bad to have to get out there.

26 years and counting

In May of 1983 (it was either the 30th or 31st since it was vs the Chicago White Sox) Jim and I went on our first "date". We went to a Red Sox game with a youth center group. Though we were off and on as often as a light switch for another year, we have been pretty much inseperable since then.

This weekend, I had to send Jim home to essentially say goodbye to his mom. Given a choice it is not the journey I would have had him make alone. I would much rather have been there by his side.

One good thing that came out of this weekend is that I was reminded in a thousand little ways that after those (almost) 26 years- I still miss him so much when he is gone. Though that made it a tough weekend- I realized how fortunate that I am to still love him that much.

I am also very fortunate that I have little Miss Harley to keep me company while he was gone- or I would have spent the weekend talking to myself!

Generosity

I am just blown away by people's kindness and generosity.

Jim's mom is very sick. She has been battling cancer since September. A couple of weeks ago we found out that the tumor was back and that there were two this time and there was nothing else to be done. She has been given just a few months, tops, by her doctors. We had planned on doing what we needed to do to scrimp and save and send him back to see her at the end of April. He needs this. He didn't get to say goodbye to his grandmother or his sister and he has been hanging on just with the hope of getting back to see her. Yesterday, his youngest sister called and said he needed to get back sooner if he wanted to spend time with her- so I did everything I could. I scrambled and juggled and got him on a plane last night. It hurts my heart that he has to go through this without me, and it hurts my heart not to be able to go but we have to make sacrifices. And I digress.

In the last two weeks- two very, very generous people have pulled me aside and offered to loan us the money so that we both could go back to see her- and that doesn't include the generosity of my parents. We could not take their offer. It is a little bit of pride mixed with a lot of seeing that kind of situation go bad but I am ever thankful that they would offer to begin with. We will work things out- we always do in the end. But I cannot get over how kind and generous these folks are- one even offered to "babysit" Harley!

There is so much to be thankful for- even in a terrible situation. This is a great reminder of that.

It is a beautiful Sunday morning. :-)

Miss Harley woke me up at about 4:15 so we went out for our walk. It is not too cold out,just brisk enough to make you grateful for the 60's we will hit this afternoon.

My parents came this weekend. Usually we go to them but every few months we switch it up a little. We had an event being held by the Kentucky Parks and Recreation staff called "Caching for clues." It was a murder mystery set in the park and the clues were in the nine caches. Then they provided a chili lunch and raffle as we discovered the answer to the mystery. Mom didn't have as much fun as I would have liked- but dad and I enjoyed ourselves and I got to meet Carrie, the lady who introduced us to the sport, which was wonderful. I am so glad that they were all able to come and enjoy the day with me.

Mom's lack of enjoyment is a byproduct of her stroke I believe. She got frustrated because she couldn't quite follow what the clues said and meant. She told us after that she needs to be able to actually read them (we all took turns) in order to process them. Now we know and next time she can read them all if she likes. Even if she didn't enjoy it as much as we did- I am grateful that she was able to go and that she is doing so very well.

I love spending time with them. Whether we are just hanging out at their house, or doing something like this, it is just enjoyable. I listen to other people's crazy, sad, dysfunctional stories and I am so thankful for growing up in the family I did with parents who are fun, loving, generous people who are not afraid to show affection for us or for one another.

10 Hours of Sleep!

So we have found the "new normal" with my Enbrel injection day. I take my shot and get about 5 hours where I feel like I am on Speed. Those are pretty productive hours. Then- CRASH. Yesterday I took Jim's suggestion and took it at lunch time. So I had a normal morning, took my shot, then got a lot done in the afternoon-lol. I went home, foreman'd up a burger and baked some fries, ate them and by 6:45 I was done for the day. I went upstairs intending to read until I fell asleep. It took all of about 3 minutes and I didn't get up till quarter to 5 this morning. I woke up around 1 for a couple of minutes and again around 3 for a couple of minutes- both about long enough to ask myself if I should get up. Needless to say- that didn't happen.

This morning, I have some swelling in my hands and ankles but the only stiffness is in my back. All in all, I feel pretty good!

Side effects and perspective

Well, I started my Enbrel last night and it looks like it is going to be very different than the methotrexate.

On Methotrexate days (Sunday), I get up get a cup of coffee, take my folic acid and tramodol (pain med) and relax a bit and let the tramodol kick in. Then I give myself my shot and enjoy more coffee it works it's way in. I know when it hits because I have to take a run to the bathroom-lol. After that- the exhaustion and fuzziness kicks in and for the rest of the day I am very happy to curl up on the couch and sleep off and on as the medicine does it's magic.

The Enbrel- well, it looks like that is going to be a bit different. I took my shot about 7 pm last night with the visiting nurse there to make sure I didn't have an allergic reaction and everything went smoothly. About an hour later, nausea kicked in and I was feeling fuzzy but wired/shakey at the same time. I went up to bed around 10:30. I slept half of every hour until about 3:15ish when I got out of bed and just watched a beautiful thunderstorm. We are now 11 hours later and I am still a little on the wired side and a little of the nausea. Obviously this will be a good daytime med- not nighttime.

By 4:15, I was feeling a little whiney. I was feeling like a pharmacy with the folic acid and tramodol every day and now two shots a week that I was packing up to go to Mom and Dad's for the weekend. The side effects from the different meds definately impact not only my life but Jim's every day and mom and dad's when I visit them. So I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Then I turned on Oprah from yesterday and it was the kick in the ass that I needed.

Oprah was visiting Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Just watching these men and women who have lost so much in service to our country makes my situation pale in comparison. More imporantly- their attitude of survival and victory over their losses have really given me a jolt. If they can triumph over such horrific injuries- I can suck it up and deal with a few meds and side effects.

Thank you Oprah for this particular show at this particular time! Even more so- my eternal gratitude to the men and women who serve and sacrifice so much for our country.

Support Systems

It has been quite some time since I posted. I have taken to using my evening walks with Miss Harley to reflect on the good things that happened during the day and that which I am grateful for. Unfortunately, that doesn't help me look back on them so----I AM BAAAAACKKKKK!

Today I am reflecting on support systems and the impact that they can have on our lives. I am a very, very lucky woman. I have wonderful parents, an unusually supportive husband and a terrific extended family. I have good doctors. I have understanding colleagues and caring friends. I have also found three different RA boards that all fulfill different types of support and sharing needs. When it comes to having a chronic and yet invisible disease, it is so important to have this system in place.

I have seen, on my boards, a lot of people who either don't have that support or who have closed themselves off from it because they are afraid that people just won't understand. I feel that this leads them to let the situation really consume them. I cannot imagine wallowing in your disease all the time. The stress HAS to contribute to making the pain worse- which leads to more stress. It is a viscious circle. There is just more to life!

Having a great support system means two things for me. First- that when I AM having a bad time with it, they are there and surround me with love. Second- when I am NOT having a bad time, they don't coddle me but expect me to live my best life. That combination is key to keeping me going forward and being as healthy and feeling as good as I can be.

I appreciate them all SO MUCH!

End of the Year

And Welcome 2009!

Tonight I am thankful for:

A full year of being able to visit my parents whenever.

Almost a whole year of Miss Harley being in my life.

Another year of Jim and I facing the world together.

A "child" who still stays in touch very, very often.

The continuing recovery of my Mother-In-Law.

A full year of being a member of the IU family.

Making a new life out here in The Ville.

Friends from back east who don't let geography mean anything.

My "online family" who have been there for so many years now that they mean as much to me as the people I spend time with outside the computer.

The opportunity to make 2009 an even better year than 2008!

Much love to all and I hope everyone in my heart has a safe and happy new year.

Drugs and Insurance

I am thankful that we have the drugs necessary to make us well- but I am also VERY thankful for medical insurance.

The latest drugs we are considering for my treatment are VERY expensive.

Humira comes in at 20,000 a year
Enbrel comes in at 17,000 a year
Remicade comes in at 22,000 a year

There is no way we could even consider these without insurance. Instead of these insane prices- it will cost me $480.00 a year. That is not including my Methotrexate (120.00 a year w-insurance) my tramadol, (72.00 a year w-insurance)and my folic acid (48.00 a year w-insurance) or the B-12 injections that we may be starting next. On top of that is the appointments with my rheumatologist every 6 weeks and labs at every appointment. The physical therapy I underwent this year- the AF water program they want me to do next year. The baseline x-rays for my hands, feet, hips, back and lungs. I dont' know how anyone with RA could manage without insurance.

I also find it amazing that with such a debilitating and chronic condition- the SSA takes up to three years to approve a disablity claim. I am so thankful that I am not at that stage yet. But courtesy of the www- I can research and be ready when it does get to that point.