A Pandemic Break or Broken by a Pandemic?

 

     Hi Long Lost Friends! I hope this finds you well and healthy.  

     In March of 2019, I decided to test out WordPress. I had heard over and over and over how much easier it was to use, how it had a ton of different applications etc.  I mean- it was okay.  Easy to use and yes, I could customize the background and look of every post but Blogger is just as easy to use.  I also was deep into my college classes and such and busy with work and family so even though I tested it out, it wasn't any more regular than I had been here.  

     Fast forward exactly a year and COVID-19 hit.  I don't know about you, but my revolving emotions throughout the pandemic have been; fear, anger, frustration, isolation, and anxiety, with a very small dose of thankfulness thrown in.  I don't know that I have ever, in 53 years on this planet, had another period of time that was so suffused with negative emotions.  Perhaps a day or even a week, but certainly not a year.  I have spent much of the last couple of months really thinking about this and here is what I have concluded about these emotions that have taken over me and why they were there: 

Fear- Fear has been dominant.  Fear of catching the virus, Fear of my family members catching the virus, Fear of losing one of them, Fear of losing our jobs, Fear, Fear, Fear. 

Anger- I have been SO angry at those people who refused to believe that the virus was a real, deadly thing, that they didn't need to wear a mask, that those of us who did were "sheep" to be shamed for living in fear.  I have been angry that the collective "we" were not ready to deal with this pandemic better than we were.  It's as if we were completely caught with our pants down around our ankles.  

Frustration- Like many, many businesses, mine was affected by the pandemic.  My customers are college students and one year ago this coming week, we just shut our doors along with the school.  That meant that all of my staff was gone in an instant.  For months I went to work, 5 days a week all by myself to wait for the UPS guy to deliver books, pick up online orders that I pulled and processed and deliver rented textbooks that my students sent back.  It was tomb-quiet, it was isolating and it was overwhelming.  And then- the axe dropped.  Due to the money that we were haemorrhaging being closed, my Assistant Manager's position was eliminated.  I vacillated between furious and frustrated for a very long time because I was anticipating her return.  We were a great team and losing her after she had been on unemployment for months waiting for us to bring her back from furlough pissed me right off.  It wasn't fair to her, it wasn't fair to me and it didn't look good for me to ever get caught up. Shortly after I was allowed to bring back my seasonals but there are a lot of things that only management can do.  After about 6 weeks, they allowed me to promote one of my seasonals to a PT supervisor.  It helps but quite honestly, I am scarred enough by this past year that I don't trust that she won't be eliminated either.  That mistrust is frustrating as well when you consider that in 10 days I will have given 18 years of my life to this company.   

Isolation- haven't we all felt isolated?  The whole quarantine thing is making everyone feel isolated.  Not being able to see my parents for months on end, not being able to see friends or other family members.  Not being able to get closer than 6', much less give hugs to those we did accidentally run into at the grocery.  Going to work and being completely alone with the exception of seeing the UPS guy once a day and our university police popping on occasion.  Both Jim and I were "essential" in that I had to be at work to get ready for the new term and he works in manufacturing.  SO while everyone else was at home- we slogged off to work every day.  That was kind of isolating itself.  People didn't understand why we were allowed to go to work when we weren't first responders.  

Anxiety- I took the pandemic to take extra classes and school full time for several semesters so that after the current term, I will have four classes left to go to graduate.  I have been anxious about completing my degree, anxious about my ability to successfully do my job at the current staffing levels because it calls on me to be much more physically involved.  Books have to hit the shelves no matter how many of us are working.  Anxious about both of us keeping our jobs in the pandemic.  Anxious about finding a new job when so many people are out of work.  Anxious about finances in general.  Anxious about my health, my parents health and Auggie's health.  

As for the tiny bit if gratitude?  Well, SO far we have kept our jobs, so far neither Jim nor I have caught COVID and I have had my first shot.  I am eternally grateful that when we almost lost my mom to COVID, she was able to rally back to us and that Dad didn't get it worse than he did.  I am grateful that my chronic pain conditions haven't flared more often than they have and that though my lung disease has flared (culminating in 8 bouts of bronchitis and/or pneumonia in 12 months) my new ENT has been terrific and proactive.  She actually listens, which feels like a miracle these days.  I am grateful that Auggie's vet has kept going until she finally determined that my poor little man has an autoimmune illness too.  Now Auggie is on long-term prednisone so that's fun.  I am just grateful that it didn't manifest until he was 12.  

So there we are.  I am ready for things to get to whatever normal will look like.  I am ready to be able to give good hugs.  I am ready to feel financially stable, I am ready to get back to writing.  I couldn't write in that state of mind. I just felt so out of control of my own life that I was paralyzed and going through the motions.  Though I am slowly coming out of the constant negativity- I almost feel that all of this has triggered and left me with a low-grade depression, which means I need to find my gratitude all the more.  

Out With The Old/In With The New

OUT WITH THE OLD-

I discovered this year, my 49th in this world, that I just don't understand people at all.  Here are a few of the things I don't understand:

I don't understand berating strangers, in person or online.
I don't understand destroying property- not your own but especially that which belongs to others
I don't understand physically harming another person.
I don't understand when life became disposable.
I don't understand the inability to look beyond political parties to see what makes the whole of a person.
I don't understand name-calling.
I don't understand hate.  Period.

This year-2016- has been the most hate-filled of my memory.  I was born at the tail-end of the Civil Rights Era and I honestly feel we have regressed.  This year we have seen very vocal and very violent hate based on religion, gender, race, who you love, who you vote for, whether or not you believe in gun regulation, - pretty much anything you can imagine and I just don't get it.  Maybe that makes me naive, but I feel that it makes me happier than living with hate in my heart.  It's certainly more peaceful than being angry all of the time.

IN WITH THE NEW-

This year I have not made resolutions.  I have instead decided to adopt two keywords for 2017:

Kindness

And

Gratitude

If I can live with those two little words first and foremost in my heart for 2017.  It will be a stellar year.  

Happy New Year Friends... 

Happy Sunday Random Roundup Friends!

I don't know about where you live but it's HOT here in Kentuckiana.  We've had days upon days of 90's and humidity with no end in sight.  For the most part- I just love it.  The only disadvantages are that my extremities swell and my hair just doesn't behave due to the humidity.  On the other hand, the heat is marvelous for my joints.  I don't know for sure if it's the Actmra or the heat but my stiffness in the morning is down to about an hour before I am "normal".  In winter it can be up to 3 hours.

 Outside does make a difference, even though we keep it at a steady 72 inside year round.  When it's hot out I love to spend time out in the sun.  If you are my age, I am sure you remember spending time in the summer, laying out on a towel in the yard with baby oil slathered all over you and Sun-In in your hair.  We all wanted our hair light and our skin dark.  It makes me smile just to think about it.  Now I get as much sun as I can in May, June, July and August.  September I start letting the tan fade in preparation for haunt season.  After all- the darker I am, the more makeup I need to look "dead".

Speaking of haunt season, I am ready early this year.  My costumes have been cleaned, my basket full of makeup and accessories has been restocked and packed and I am already working on my intro for the season.  I have also been working with some of the other actors on things that worked and didn't from last season that we can share with new cast members this coming season.  Last season was drama-free for the most part and we had really good kids.  I hope beyond all hope that this season will be the same or better.  One weight is off my shoulders.  There was a review group that has come through every season and many of us actors were really concerned with how we would rank.  Well, over the off-season their "head guys" showed their colors after the Orlando tragedy by posting some horribly homophobic statements and then getting really nasty when called on it.  I don't tolerate that in my life and I don't respect anyone who can't respect others so, though I doubt they will be allowed in ANY of the haunts in our area this season, if they do make it in I really don't care what they think of our haunt or my performance.

On a happier note, we went out running yesterday and saw a puppy that was just adorable.  She's a boxer/bulldog mix. We have been thinking long and hard of getting Auggie a companion.  His personality has become very toned down since we lost Harley last November and it's been long enough that I am ready to bring another dog into our world.  Jim was all for it immediately but I needed time to mourn that sweet little girl first.  Of course I have my fears.  Can we really get lucky enough to get another dog as sweet as those two?  What happens if my health goes downhill?  Fortunately we have a decent sized yard for them to run in and Jim swears he can handle two of them so there's that.  OTOH- Mom and Dad don't think we need another dog.  I get it because Auggie travels with us and they have already made his reservation (just his, not any of the other Grand-dogs) for our next family reunion but we know that if we do get another dog we will either have to board both or hire someone to stay at the house with them because, like with Harley and Auggie, we wouldn't split them up.  And NEED is a strong word.  But I fully believe in rescuing dogs.  Given the time, ability and unlimited funds I would rescue as many as possible. I can see myself as the "Crazy Dog Lady" in another life.  Given my physical limitations *When* we win the lottery we will donate to as many rescues as we can.  The mission is so important.   Dogs really are better than people.  They love unconditionally and if you treat them well they are loyal to the end of the earth.  Their hearts are pure.  I truly believe that there are very few bad dogs- but many more bad owners.  I have to commend people who can foster- I couldn't because I would want to keep them all.  I know my limitations and letting them go, even to a great home, is one of mine.  It would break my heart and I just couldn't do it.

Now to bring things down a bit.  I am SO over all of the political posts and divisive social commentary on social media.  I will say over and over until I die that I don't care WHO you vote for as long as you get out there and vote.  That said,  these elections have become so contentious that it's making me physically ill.  If I could get a message to everyone who comments on every thread or news article or meme or posts on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, it would be this:  if  you cannot get your message across without calling names, you message is not that important.  As soon as I see rudeness or name calling, I shut down.  I don't care if you are talking to one another or talking about the candidate or about the parties or about ideologies, if you can't be respectful, if you can't make your point without being hateful, your point is moot.  I don't even discuss who I am voting for.  It's between me and the polls.  That said, I look at every issue.  I also look at how the campaign is run, who they surround themselves with and where they stand on healthcare, government oversight, military matters, and jobs leaving the country.  I worry about racial tension, I worry about the separation of church and state, and I worry about foreign relations.  The great thing about being a registered Independent is that there is no "straight party" voting and that I can choose who I think will be best for our country, our state, our city without feeling I need to stay within party lines.  I hope, hope, hope that when you look at the candidates, you can feel free to make your decision with as much openness in your heart and mind as well.  Additionally I have watched the different "Lives Matter" (Black, Blue, All) movements with a heavy heart.  I truly believe that they are doing nothing to advance their causes but just causing further divide.  I understand the concept and why people feel their need.  What I don't understand is why, in 2016, ANYONE is still looking at people as a skin color, a religion, a job, a sexual orientation or a gender identity.  We are more than each of those things.  We are people.  We have hearts and souls.

 What has made me truly sad is that I have found out a lot that is not pretty about people that I thought I knew.  I am thankful that, there's an UNFOLLOW button on Faceobook, but I am sad that I need to use it.  I have unfollowed a lot of people because though I care about them, I just don't want the ugliness cluttering my news feed.  I won't cut them out of my life because they do mean something to me and I believe that deep inside there is more to them than that, but I don't want to see that part of them.   Please know, if you are posting hateful or rude thing, you are still there, I just don't see you on my regular news feed any longer.

Part of trying to live from a place of gratitude is to cut the negativity out of your life.  For me, that means losing the toxicity of this political season.  It means ignoring the rhetoric of the movements and accepting people for their merits.  I have gotten very far off track in my search for gratitude and I think it's because the negativity from many directions is all consuming.   I think it's time for a self-imposed social media and news drought in my life.  It's time to take a break for the good of my own soul.  I will keep my messenger up to keep up with my family and I can be reached there or here but I need a break from the rest for a while.  I hope you have a beautiful Sunday, free of strife and negativity.  I am thankful that you are reading my musings and for all of your support.

How Do You Want To Be Remembered?

     This weekend I was reading snippets of Forever, Erma.  Erma Bombeck was a beloved humorist who passed away too soon.  I loved, loved the wit she brought to marriage, parenting, and life in general.  The book is a collection of 200 of her columns.  At the end of this book, the final chapter, is a multitude of tributes from friends, family, fans, colleagues and people whose lives she touched.  It's a lovely, lovely end to the book.  It got me thinking though.  How do I want to be remembered when I pass?

First-let it be known far and wide- I do not want a traditional funeral.  Don't mourn my passing- celebrate my life.  Don't put me on display- take my ashes and scatter them on Granny's (now Kevin's) back 40.  If you want to memorialize me- plant a tree, or two, and place a bench in what will be underneath it/them and then use it as a place to go when you want peace and quiet.  Now that we have the particulars out of the way.....

Overall, I hope that I am remembered as kind, as strong, as stubborn (because we HAVE to be honest) as honest, as loyal and as hardworking.

 I hope my family (blood and chosen) remembers me as loving and as the one who was always there for them when they needed me.

To take it a branch out  further- here's what I hope the many, many kids (most of whom are now grown up) that have worked with me and become part of my extended family remember me simply as the one who always believed in them, even when they didn't and who always has their back- even now.  

That's it.  I think that's how I want to be remembered.  Not for my illness, not for my age, but for how I (hopefully) touched people's lives.

How about you?  

The Ultimate Dinner Party

I am an unabashed Harry Potter Geek.  I have read the books over and over, went to the midnight premiere of each movie and have seen the movies every time I pass them on the television.  The cast is made up of a seemingly terrific group of well-adjusted kids and some of the luminaries of British stage and screen.  So when Alan Rickman passed away last week at the age of 69, I was truly sad.  The tributes, from all of those who had worked with him over the years were so poignant.  I found myself thinking "I would have loved to have met him."

This got me thinking about all of the people that I wish I could sit down and have a conversation with.  Yesterday being Martin Luther King Jr day, I would love to have a sit down with him and see what he thinks of the world we live in today and how much he feels we have progressed- or- regressed- in the years since his passing.  I've heard one version of this called the "Ultimate Dinner Party."  I've heard it done with just those that are still living, only those that are no longer with us, famous people, not-famous people and any combination.  I believe the guideline is 5-10 guests so you can spend time with each.

So I think I will do a bit of both in my journal.  I will do three dinner parties: only live and famous guests, only those who have passed and a "famous only to me" with a combination of both.  Once my lists are made, I will journal why I want these particular guests- and see what I learn about myself in the process.

I challenge you to do the same.  You don't need to post it- just do it.  See what you learn about you!

Have a great week.

Happy New Year! Welcome 2016.

It's been a very long time since I wrote on this blog.  It's been a long time since I wrote anything at all.  Looking back at 2015 I only wrote 22 posts all year.  I don't know for sure what it was.  Life getting in the way?  Lack of inspiration?  Lack of discipline?  I think it's deeper down than that.  I feel that I have been in a slump all around.  I have let "life" go by and let my stress and worries keep me from things I love, like writing.  I can't do that this year.  I want to make this a great year.  I want to make this a year of getting back to my quiet pursuits.  I want to find my balance.  So- I have made my resolutions:

     1-  I will take make time for my writing.

     2-  I will make time for reading as many books as possible.

     3-  I will take time to just sit and color.  Side note- if you are like me and artistically challenged- Adult                coloring books are amazing for relaxing!

     4-  I will take time to plan and prep my meals and cook from....semi-homemade.

     5-  I will use these things to manage the stress in my life so that I can get back to a place inside where I               can find my center and look to the bright side.

I have lost sight of that in 2015 and it's time to get back to it.  There's a quote going around by Brad Paisley.  It's my goal to live by it this year:

Here's wishing you and yours a wonderful 2016.  Let's make it a good one together!  

Looking Back at 2014, Looking Forward to 2015

     Looking back:


     I don't know about you, but for me 2014 was interesting in a lot of ways.  Of course, there were the usual medical issues and more. On the physical side on the positive- I did manage to remain cigarette-free for all of 2014.  In two weeks I will hit the 13 month mark! There were great things that happened on the personal front as well as difficult. Good things at work and difficult.  Pretty much a normal year for most people.  I have had years like this before- who hasn't?  Somehow though it didn't feel normal, I just felt like something in me was off.

      I also found that I just didn't have the energy or patience to write.  Looking at my blog dashboard, I only wrote 14 posts between one year ago and today.  That's not a lot for someone who is a known motormouth!  I would open a new page, stare at it for a while, become frustrated and delete the auto-draft.  I did that a lot on my other projects as well.  I didn't have the stamina to push through.  I just didn't have much to say.  Well, I did. but it was often snarky because I found myself irritated a LOT.  I wondered occasionally if it was a mild depression because I didn't rebound as quickly from the news of the latest diagnosis as I normally do.  It's more than that though, it's more than what's going on in my life.  I would find myself reading or watching the news and going back and forth between just shaking my head, wondering what the heck is going on in this world or giving thanks that I wasn't raising a child in it.

     This year I watched the events of the year unfold around me, around this country and around the world and I just could not push through all of the overwhelming negative to find the positive in it.  We; people-friends-families- neighbors-towns- the whole country; are more divided than I can remember in my life- and I was born in the 60's!  We are divided racially (Still? Again?), politically, religiously, and in terms of values and we are more...open about it than ever before.  I found myself shocked at the things that come out of the mouths (and keyboards) of both strangers and people that I thought I knew.  It gave me a huge sense of disappointment in them for what was being said, how it was being said and the actions being taken.  It gave me a sense of disappointment in myself for not recognizing those traits before things came to a head.  I deleted/"unfriended"/walked away from a surprising number of people in my online life and intentionally allowed relationships to lapse in my real life.  The negativity was just too much.

     Now I know that there are people out there every single day who are doing good things.  People who are trying to make the world a better place.  It's just become hard to find them when their stories are drowned out by discord, by rudeness, by disrespect, by hate.  Just writing this and reflecting upon it has made me feel so tired and so helpless that I had to stop, close it and come back to it later.  Needless to say, I was rather looking forward to the end of the year and a new beginning.

Looking Forward:    

    It's a new year.  I didn't make a list of resolutions this year as I often have in the past.  Like so many, my resolutions tend to be out the window by February.  Last year's certainly did.  :-)   This year, instead, I am making it just one goal to "shake it off".  Last year was a big step backward for me in many ways and rather than allow myself to be mired in the things I cannot change I need to learn to let it go and move on to things I do have the ability to influence.  When my husband and I were separated I repeated the Serenity Prayer a lot.  To the point that it was almost by rote.  When that changed, I kind of let that drop off and that may not have been the best idea.  It's a simple thing but it allowed me to step back and remind myself that I can't take on or take in everything because I tend to take things to heart.

    In an effort to turn things back around  I have decided to utilize two "mantras" for 2015.  First, as I mentioned, is the Serenity Prayer:

The second is this:  

    Keeping these in mind should allow me to let go of what has been weighing me down and to re-focus my attention on all of the myriad of blessings that fill my life and on the wonderful things that people are doing for the world around them.  They are many, they are important, and they deserve my attention far more than any of the rest of the nonsense that's been going on.

     The first step is to make it through this Back-to-School rush (classes begin a week from Monday) and then get back into a routine.  Rush ends around the 18th so the light is at the end of the tunnel.  Then it will be time to make this the best year yet.  Bring it on 2015~ I am ready for you!  



      

It's the Little Things

     Those who are friends with me on Facebook have probably seen that I recently cut my hair off.  This was a huge deal for me.  I love(d) having long hair.  When the stylist cut it, the first swoop through was to the tune of 8-10 inches. The first clump that fell in my lap had me taking a quick intake of breath with thoughts of "Oh God, what have I done?"  After- I think it looks really cute.  It's easier to care for, that is certain and that was the goal.  You see, courtesy of the herniated disc in my neck, I keep having my shoulder and arm fall asleep.  It's not painful, it's just the pins and needles thing, but it is very irritating.  Especially when it happens every time I try to brush my hair or if I lean on my desk or lean against the car door.  It usually involves a few minutes of trying to shake it out because the strength drains as the numbness sets in.  So- I chopped off the hair since I could not properly care for it in a reasonable amount of time.  I then sank into a bit of a funk because I felt like I had sacrificed my slow-growing, long, straight hair to the Gods of Chronic Illness.

    Another issue that I have been dealing with is a LOT of Acid Reflux- especially at night.  I cannot tell you how many times lately that I have woken myself up coughing and choking on acid and the burning in my chest.  The doc has put me on Prilosec and it helps- but it's not an "every day for the rest of your life" drug so shortly after tapering off, it comes back with a vengence.  Sunday night it was so bad that I woke my poor husband up almost every time I woke up.  Now, himself normally sleeps like the dead and is cranky if woken in the middle of his sleep but he really came through.  I sat up in the bed, groped around for TUMS and in tears because the acidity was so bad in my throat and I didn't realize that I had woken him.  Without a word, he got up went downstairs and grabbed me a bottle of water.  Each time after- he woke up and made sure I had water available and stayed up with me until I could get back to sleep.

Neither of these things are earth shattering.  While I understand that, it came as a revelation that it's the little things that can make a huge difference.  Something as simple as a haircut can spiral you down, down, down while a gesture of kindness can make things all better.

So I ask this of you.  When you are out and about today, in interactions with others or even when you find yourself facing self-doubt, stop.  Think about how your actions create a ripple effect.  All it takes is a pebble to form ripples across a pond.  All it takes is a kind word or gesture- or a careless word or thoughtless action to make or break your day or that of those around you.  

Girlfriends

When I was growing up, I had a few friends who were girls but I tended to relate more to boys.  It comes down simply to the way women relate to one another as opposed to how men relate to one another.  With girls (especially during the teenage years) when they get angry there is drama and tears and so much more.  With guys, when they get angry- they punch one another and it's over.    I have a low tolerance for drama so it was easier to just hang out with the guys. 

Now- in my forties (and starting in my 30's)- my tolerance for drama is even lower but I have come to appreciate the benefits of having girlfriends.  I have a few, but they are geographically all over the place and I miss them.  I miss the cameraderie, I miss having someone to really talk to, I miss having someone to do girl stuff with- mani/pedis and all sorts of things that men just don't enjoy.  I know that I can call them at any time- but it's just not the same. 

So what's the issue?  Well, it's pretty simple actually.  I have become a bit of a hermit and a lot more guarded.  Other than not wanting to disappoint anyone with cancelled plans and such, I have drawn into myself and am having a hard time getting out of my shell enough to make new friends.  Plus- I like being at home.  I am perfectly happy to stay at home with my "babies" and veg out so that is a part of it.  That said, I think it's far past time that I get out there and meet new people.  That's going to give me something to think about and act on after rush. 

Do you take good care of yourself?

I read a terrific article this week from Leo Babauta over at Zen Habits entitled When Willpower is Trumped by Bad Habits.  This article really resonated with me.  I have a HUGE tendency to let my bad habits get in the way of me taking care of me.  Having always been the one who takes care of other people and focusing on everything but myself- I seem to very easily get caught up in my life and my will power falls by the wayside.

 I have so many good intentions for myself, so many things that I want to do and so many changes that I want to make for my health and for my well being.  I think about them, I make plans for them, and then I wake up in the morning and I go about my business and suddenly realize that -Oops- I was supposed to do XYZ today.

When I was reading Leo's blog, something struck me.  I know I have said it before- but it's much easier said than done.  Who will take care of me if I don't take care of myself?  Don't get me wrong.  I don't discount all that my husband and my parents do for me when I am feeling ill, but it's not like they can quit smoking for me or lose the weight I need to lose or exercise for me.  They can't make sure I get enough sleep (though they try) or make sure I don't get so caught up that I forget to take my noon meds.  They can't make sure I don't do to much at work or at home.  Only I can do these things and because I want to be able to "do it all"- I tend to ignore me and my good intentions and just keep going.  I don't know how to overcome that part of myself.

It was the number 5 part of the article that I need to concentrate on: " Beat the urge to do the old bad habit".  In it they list the ways to do this but the most important thing is "Pay attention to the urges.  Urges win when you let them go unnoticed.  They have power.  Pay attention."  That made my light bulb go "click".  That is exactly what I do.  I don't pay attention and the next thing I know- I am right back in the midst of old habit.

I think it's time to break up my routine.  They suggest to find a replacement habit.  I think this is important because it's when I keep at my current routine that I blow whatever I am trying to accomplish.  Something to think about. Something to plan- and we know I like my plans.

If you are looking for positive ways to make changes to your life- I highly recommend the Zen Habits blog.  I get the feed sent to my email and I make the time to read it within a few hours of it hitting the inbox.  You can also follow Leo on Google+ (I am LOVING Google+) and on Twitter if you choose not to have it emailed to you.

   

Rambling Thoughts from Insomnia

Sleep has become pretty elusive lately- again.  To the point that I went to bed last Saturday, slept two hours, was up three hours, slept two hours, was up three hours- etc until Sunday afternoon.  Sunday night I slept 3 whole hours, tonight 2.  Every time I think "Okay, I can sleep now" I go up to bed and am right awake again.  I just can't click my brain off.  My rheumy offered to up my Neurontin again to see if I can get some rest, but I just don't want to take even one more pill.   The mere thought (and the exhaustion) makes me want to cry.  When will we find the med that not only stops the progression of the disease (I am not even asking for a cure) and let me stop having to take a bunch of pills at night to let me try to sleep.

On top of the lack of sleep, I have to drive to Indianapolis in a few hours.  From leaving my house to finding the hotel, being directionally challenged even with my GPS it's about 2 -2.5 hours up the road. My hip has been a major factor in my lack of sleep so unless I can get it to "pop" before I climb in the car- I will need to take and use my cane.  I hate dragging that thing around especially when I know that once my hip cooperates, I won't need it any longer.

 Once I get there, today will be prepping for a presentation and then some social stuff, tomorrow or Wednesday I will have to present- which is a big fear of mine.  This will be presentation #3 for me to my region of about 25- 30 people total and I have to facilitate a conversation.  Fortunately my partner on my presentation is someone I trust and admire so that will help (A LOT) with getting through this without the nerves showing too badly.  I volunteered for this-yes, volunteered- because I really feel that I need to get past the whole "speaking in public" thing.  My dad wants me to do about a 15 minute talk at church (he even offered to double team it with me if I would do it) about my book and the concept of Chronic Living.  The problem is that despite being comfortable with most of these folks, I just quake and speak REALLY FAST.  Last time I acted as a liturgist my Mom spent half the time I was speaking  motioning me to slow down- which makes me giggle.  NOT good when I am standing up in the pulpit.  The last time I had to address a committee at work, I had to constantly remind myself to breathe before I spoke.  I spoke with a professor the other day to tell him that, early in the spring, I saw his class outside enjoying the weather and he was so dynamic while he was speaking that I wanted to go join the class and it's not even a subject with which I am overly familiar.    Even thinking about speaking to these people that I know right now I am getting butterflies in my stomach; I just have to admire anyone who can speak in front of an audience with such a commanding presence that people really enjoy and even look forward to listening to them.

While I am thinking about the talk my Dad wants me to give, beside the fact that the more re-read it (which I have resolved to stop doing) the more I find that I might change.  On the flip side, in the second book I am working on for this series; I am stuck.  I bring up my word file and just stare at it.  I have changed the format, I have changed the direction, and I am still not satisfied with the way it has come together so far.  I think it's time to scrap the whole thing and start over in long-hand.  What has worked before is to carry around a notebook and jot things down as they pop through my head and then write out what I am trying to share.  I don't understand why, when I am SUCH a tech geek, that it takes this totally non-technical approach when I get stuck on a particular project.  Perhaps it's an age thing.  I don't know but it's not something that particularly bothers me so I don't feel a need to change it, it just perplexes me.  Oh well- that just means I need to pack a notebook in my bag and a little one in my purse.

So today  I am off to a meeting that goes through Thursday evening, Friday I will be able to relax and get ready to hop back in the car and head west to Mom and Dad's with the puppy dogs for the long weekend.  I am dashing over to the Apple store before I head over so I can pick up the Ipad (see- geek!) and then pick up my "kids" and get to see the parentals.  It's my favorite way to spend a long weekend.

I hope you all have a lovely week and a glorious Fourth of July.  I may pop back in from my iphone if I can figure it out but no guarantees so have a good time and be safe!  

Finding Peace

“Women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.”
—  Anne Morrow Lindbergh

     It's very difficult for me to stop and truly relax.  Relaxation is one of the components (for me) of finding peace. I have tried meditation to no avail.  When I stop and try to just close my eyes and quiet my mind, it opens the floodgates and I end up thinking about work, about things I need to get done, about bills that need to be paid or laundry that needs to be done.  It's a struggle for me to shut everything out.

    I read an article today about meditation for children in this online magazine.  I found myself really envying these little girls in that they, at such a young age, really get it.  They have their little "Peace Tent" set up in the living room and when the want quiet time, when they want to meditate, when they want to just get away from the chaos of family life, they have a safe place to go to do so.   What a terrific gift their parents have given them!  These girls know the importance of solitude and are making it a way of life and it will be natural for them as they become adults.

     I also have seen that those that are MOST successful at using meditation (or prayer) to shut out all of the stress of daily life and quiet their soul have a specific place that they use to go to when they want to devote the time to really getting inside themselves.  A prayer room, out in nature, even just a specific chair that is particularly comfortable and away from all of the noise.  They may have different accoutrements that they use to get themselves into that place- candles, a journal, a bible, a blanket- or they may not need anything at all but either way they go to the place and are able to devote the time that they need to shut out the world around them.  Perhaps that's the key?

    I have a chair in my bedroom.  It's a comfy chair that is sort of a rocker but not.  I have hundreds of candles and several books (like Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance) that I enjoy to get me in the mood for quieting my soul.  I think this weekend- when I am not in the midst of the work week and after I have slept off come of this exhaustion, I will give that chair a try.  My husband generally works Saturday morning so I can wait until he is at work and the house is quiet and just go sit in my chair.  Maybe I will read for a while, maybe just sit, maybe put on some relaxing music, but I will carve out some time to give it a try.
It won't hurt- but it will definitely help if it works.

Lessons from Cleaning out My Purse

This morning I was sitting at my computer, staring at it rather blankly (coffee had not kicked in yet) and wondering what I would write about today.  My girl dog was under the desk and kept "boofing" at me.  Not a full blown bark but definitely to get my attention.  I fed her, she didn't want it.  I tried to put her outside, she didn't want it.  I put her on my lap and petted her, she tolerated it then went right back.  It was making me a little crazy so I got up and started looking for a fairly mindless task to do  when I spied my purse sitting on the table. 

My purse is practically a Mary Poppins bag.  I carry pretty much anything and everything imaginable in there which tends to make it very heavy- to the point that my Mom is always on my case to get rid of half the "crap" in there because I might hurt my shoulder carrying the darned thing.  When I saw it, I decided it would be a good time to purge what was in there. 

As I began pulling out all of the contents I was surprised at some of the things in the bottom of that endless bag.  Oh, I have the usual; wallet, calendar, lipstick, things to put my hair up and out of my face, all of the essentials.  Then I started pulling out old receipts, nail polish I have been looking for for weeks, half a dozen post-it notes pads- all sorts of extras that really didn't serve a purpose but I have been carrying around because I *might* need them. 

I looked at everything in there as it was spread out over my table and the thought came that my purse is very much like an archeological example of my life.  First- as an admitted clutter-bug, I tend to hold on to things because I may *need* them or because if I get rid of them it might be a waste.  I have boxes in my guest room closet that we haven't opened in years.  I have baskets that I may never use but they are pretty so I hang on to them because I might actually decide to switch out my decor one day.  I have books on my bookshelf that I didn't particularly enjoy but I paid for them and I might want to re-read them.  Might, might, might. 

Second, I started thinking about some of my relationships.  I don't mean my family or my true friends, but my acquaintances.  If you look at my Facebook list- there are 354 people on there.  Everyone is there for a reason.  I am not one of those "add me for xyz game" people.  If you look at my list I can tell you who each and every one of those people are and how that I know them.  When I was emptying my purse, it occurred to me that much like the MAC lipstick that I have been carrying around, I might interacts with the majority of those people twice a year (their birthday and mine) and the rest of the time they are just there.  For example, I would be willing to estimate that a hundred or so of them are former colleagues.  While I genuinely LIKE them as people and wish them well, it is more than likely that I will never see them again and the only thing we really have in common is that we once worked together.  I thought about the fact that I have an author that I admire (if you are a fan of paranormal murder mysteries- message me and I will share his name so you can check out his books) that I interact with probably weekly at a minimum when some of these folks I haven't talked to in a few years.  I have a dozen or so on that list that I have never "met" personally but we used to be in MSN groups together, yet now I couldn't tell you their msn screen name to save my life.  I could tell you  that it's either "a" or "b" but not with any certainty. 

So why do I hold on to people and things the way that I do? Perhaps it has something to do with not wanting to "miss out" on anything.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that I don't want to feel like I wasted the money (or- in the case of the people-time) that I invested in what(who)ever it is.  I just am not sure what drives the need to hang on. 

I took a big step in cleaning out a lot of the extras floating around in there this morning and now I am thinking about doing the same to my "friends" list.  It's funny, as I was typing that last sentence I got a little stab in my heart just thinking about it so maybe I am not quite ready to close the door on those parts of my life just yet.  I think I will carry around my new, lighter load in my purse for a few days and see if it makes a difference.  My mind is telling me that I should just go ahead and remove them because we don't interact but my heart is telling me that it doesn't hurt for them to be there, to keep up with their lives through their statuses, and things like that so I am torn.  Though I am torn- it is something to consider, something to work on in me.  I am okay with that because I can only hope to continue to find ways to improve myself and my life through lessons both big and small. 

>>>>Small edit.  After writing this I went back to my dashboard and made the decision to delete my other two blogs.  They are very neglected, they don't add anything to my life and they make me feel guilty every time I see them on the dashboard when I come here to write.  Another good paring down step. <<<<

45 Lessons

I am on vacation this week but I got this in my email and wanted to share it:  

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree .

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey
is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never
blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up
to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an
answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will
this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time.. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come....

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

A Hodge-Podge of Stuff

I am all over the place this morning- that's pretty typical for me in the morning.  **Just a warning**I have a whole bunch of things on my mind and haven't really gotten my head straight yet so this may be a mish-mash of different topics.   

So it's technically not summer but it sure feels like it!  We have been in the 90's for a couple of weeks now.  It's also vacation time at work.  My assistant was off last week, I am off next week (YAY!) and my other full timers are taking off a day a week to blow through some of their vacation time.  Of course that means that we are a little short handed some days but it keeps things interesting when we have to hop around.  Summer means that many of my "shows" that I watch have ended (sniff-sniff) and new ones are on to be interested in.  A couple of things that have me thinking about television:

First there is the show Secret Life of the American Teenager.  I know- ABC Family when mine is grown?  I started watching this because Molly Ringwald is one of the stars- and I have really liked her since she defined my teenage life in the John Hughes movies.  If you are my age, I am willing to bet you have seen the "holy trinity" of Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink at least once.  The thing I don't like about this show is that while the "try" to show the reality of having a child while in high school, and they do PSA's during the show about teenage sex and pregnancy- they show it as far too easy for the main character in my opinion.  That said- this season, the "school slut" ended up pregnant as well.  All the silly drama aside, it was SUPER unrealistic (the step-mother of the boy involved gives him a $55,000 ring to propose to the girl-really?  The parents give these 17 year olds a condo?  Really?) as to how wonderful it is to get "knocked up" by a rich kid.    Last night though- they blew me away.  Last night- the "Bad Girl" and "Rich kid" lost the baby at term.  It was stillborn.  As this "couple" went through this, rather than the usual showing them "playing grown-up" they really became the scared and devastated kids that they should be.  As they cried, I cried right with them.  As their parents held them and cried- I cried with the parents.  As the friends came to the hospital thinking they were going to celebrate and the father of the boy told them what happened, the fear, confusion and tears were very, very well done by these kids.  Francia Raisa who plays the "bad girl" was magnificent in the grieving.  Most of the time she plays this character over the top but in this episode she really did shine.  I often wonder- as I watch this show WHY it facinates me when I am not really a fan of teenagers as a species but it's guilty pleasure- what can I say? 

The second show that has caught my attention is the new Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition.  Trainer Chris Powell works with people who are morbidly obese to really change their lives.  What I love about this show is that it's not a "quick fix" like The Biggest Loser or the original Extreme Makeover.  Rather, this process is a full year long.  The first three months, Chris works with the person every day to teach them how to exercise and eat properly and to create the habits they need to do this.  Then he goes away and lets them continue with the program that he sets for them checking in fairly often.  In the end, when they do the "big reveal"  these people have not only lost the weight but really changed their entire lives and while a lot of the credit goes to Chris and his approach- more goes to the person because they really acheived this themselves.  It's not always rosy, when they struggle, you can see it.  But in the end when they finish- you know that they have really changed their lives forever both inside and out.    I think the thing I love the most is Chris Powell's approach.  He, like Jesse Pavelka (DieTribe on Lifetime) are encouraging, supportive and truly care about the wellbeing of their clients.  While you will see them push people through the limits they have placed on themselves- you will NEVER see them screaming at their clients or berating them.  That's the appeal for me and I wish I had a trainer like them.  

Speaking of training- it's Yoga Tuesday!  That makes me happy.  In fact, since 5 I have been compulsively checking the clock to see if it's time to go.  I haven't made it to the aquatics class yet- but it's still on my radar.  Belly dancing starts tomorrow- I am looking forward to that and dreading it all at once.  Going to Yoga has given me the courage to start this other class- and that's a good thing too.  The only reason that I haven't gone to the other class is that I haven't been able to get into the pool.  :-/  One thing I think I want to do is to try and remember to bring my yoga mat into the house and see if I have the room to do a video on ONDemand.  I have tried before but couldn't make it through.  Now that I have been going to the class for a few weeks- I think I can do it.  I really need to work on my balance.  Pre-RA I could do the tree pose until my Rottie got aggravated and would bump me and knock me over (it was REALLY FUNNY if you visualize it).  Post-RA, one of the things I have lost the most and that there is no assistive device that can really help is my balance.  Rather than positioning my foot above my knee going into this pose, now it is up on my tiptoes but still on the ground.    Other balancing poses I struggle as well but I can touch the wall to right myself but with tree I just can't seem to do it. 

After Yoga this morning- I have to be the "mean puppy mommy" and take Miss Harley for her annual shots and then this afternoon both puppies are heading to the groomers.  Auggie is really good about both but Harley HATES it.  I think the smell of all of the other dogs and cats is too reminicent of being in the shelter for her because though she is really, really good about being there, when she gets out she just shakes until she is back in the car and on her way home.  After that it's off to work until close and then home to get the laundry folded and re-make the bed in the guest room because in just a few days my dearest friend will be here for a week.  I cannot wait to have her here.  Both hubby and I adore her and that she has been here every single year since we left New England means the world to me.  Though getting ready to have her here has been a bit of a frenzy (yes, I am a procrastinator) - once she is here I will be able to just enjoy her company.

On that note- I leave you with a quote this morning:  

"We are so often caught up in our destination that we forget to appreciate the journey, especially the goodness of the people we meet on the way. Appreciation is a wonderful feeling, don't overlook it."


Author Unknown

Have a great day today and if you stop for a moment and just breathe in the scents of summer- think of me because I will be thinking of you! 


  

Home

The topic of "home" has been on my mind for a few weeks now.  I am trying to figure out  the concept of home.  When I was a child and we were moving around every couple years or so, "home" was my beloved Granny's house in Southern Indiana.  It was the place we always went back to and the place I felt most grounded. 

As I got a little older, got married, had my son, I still went back there but it wasn't quite the same.  We had made our own home in Massachusetts and no matter how tough it was, it was still "home".   Eventually we all aged (and grew up!) and my mom began to have health issues. 

When Dad retired in 2001 back to their "home" (same city in Southern Indiana) hubby and I realized that one of us girls should be nearer to my folks in case they needed us.  Hubby has 3 sibs, two of whom live at home and could help his parents when their health started to fail but we girls were literally spread out across the US.  As we  had an adult "child" and my sisters both had younger children, we were the best candidates to move nearer my folks.  An interesting thing happened when we moved out here.  When we got settled, it was as if something clicked.  It was a feeling of "ahhhhhh, here I am- this is where I belong." 

We have been back to MA a few times since and it no longer felt like it was home.  In fact, while we were there, especially when we returned for my Mother-in-Law's funeral, neither of us could wait to get back "home".  It just wasn't our place any longer. 

Recently, my Father-In-Law has been having a really tough time medically.  He is fighting inoperable lung cancer and though we know that the sibs are doing a great job, hubby wanted- no, needed- to go back and see him.  I completely understand and encouraged that but it really threw me when hubby said that he "needed to go home."  I am not sure why it threw me.  Maybe because I love the life that we have made here and I assumed that he does too.  Maybe because when we went back the last two times, he's the one who brought up being ready to come back. 

Over Memorial Day weekend, we sent him back to spend time with his dad and our son.  He had a lovely visit with them both which is so important to both of us.  I, on the other hand, spent the weekend with parents.  The puppies and I love going to visit them.  The puppies get to run around in the yard chasing squirrels and bunnies which they much prefer to being on their leads outside.  It's the one place that I can truly relax and not think about work, or any of the other stresses of being a grown up.  I too had a lovely visit but the whole weekend I thought about what "home" really means. 

The only conclusion that I came to was that it's not about where you live, it's not about where you work or where you rest your head.  Home is about the people that you love and who love you.  I think- at least until I get this really figured out- that whenever you are going to the people that you love, it can feel like home.  No matter where my son, my husband, my family and my friends that are family are- there is just a feeling of "rightness" when I am with them.  That is something that until now I took for granted.  I can't quite reconcile that with the peace that I found when we moved here so I will keep working through this until I get it right.  Can there be two different ways to be "home"?  What am I missing as I think through this?  Does anyone know for sure? 

When did I become a chicken?

     When you grow up in a military family, it's a given that you move around a lot.  In fact, from K-12 I went to 13 schools and we didn't start moving until I was seven years old.  Somehow, we seemed to always move in the middle of the school year.  The good thing is that I always had my sisters.  Having sisters in that situation is like having built in friends.  Even with a slight age difference (3 & 4 years), even when you don't necessarily always get along, you still have each other.  Remember the old "No one calls my sister an XYZ but me!" gag?  Well- it's true.  Even when you are fighting at your worst, you stand together against the world. 

     The other thing about being in a military family is that you become very accustomed to walking in to new situations.  A new base, a new school, a new set of friends, a new life comes with every move.  No matter what direction in which you have been moving, you get a chance to start over- and that's a pretty great opportunity.  When you are in the moment, you really don't realize how great it is, but as an adult I will be eternally grateful.  I got to see places that so many people never even dream of and meet so many people and I just took it for granted because it was my "normal".   I have had people remark over the years that they can't imagine that life and that it must have been so hard.  I never thought of it as hard or easy, it was just our life.  There are those who absolutely those who hate that way of life and I am absolutely positive that in the moment I protested my face off about leaving my friends and hating it at the time but that was just a kid being a kid.  In reality I learned that while there are those that moving around makes pull inside themselves and there are those that it makes very outgoing.  I have always fallen into the outgoing category.  You have to be outgoing if you are going to work with the public and so it has served me well. 

     For many years my ability to adapt to new situations carried over into my adult life.  If you ask my dad he will flat out tell you that I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life.   To that end; as a kid, I have worked in corn fields, bagged groceries and was a waitress, worked in an office supply store as the floor help and creating window displays.  As I got older I worked as a cashier and in the cash office of our Commissary (think military grocery store), worked as a warehouse supervisor when we were overseas, came back and did more waitressing and bar tending, worked as a night auditor, been a reservations manager and front office manager in the hotel industry, worked in every front of the house position in restaurants and nightclubs and dabbled in back of the house, was a dental assistant for 9 years and most recently while managing the same restaurants and nightclub, got back into retail in the college bookstore arena.  In between I dabbled in marketing for a semi-pro football team, managing charity poker games and writing. Heck, I even started college at 38 and I LOVED it!  I didn't complete my degree because we moved out here but while I was in college I worked two full time jobs, was still raising our teenager, trying to be a good wife and taking a couple of classes a semester to knock out my gen-ed requirements and as hard as it was to juggle it all, I thrived in the chaos.  My dad's famous (in our family) quote is "You never could decide if you wanted to be a ballerina or a cowboy."  I have proven him right time and again with the schizophrenic direction my life has taken but I have always felt comfortable doing whatever it was that I was doing at the time and always been comfortable trying something new. 

     I can't pinpoint exactly when all of that started to change but I know that it was in the last few years.  It could have been turning forty, it could have been a professional situation that shook my confidence a little maybe more than I thought, it could be that I like my life these days and I am loathe to change that; but I find that recently I have been very hesitant to start new things.  I have been thinking long and hard about the physical aspects of my job and what I can do to remain productive as long as possible without hurting my colleagues due to my illnesses.  It's not fair to them to have them (who are all significantly older than me and have their own health challenges- sadly, the person who is my mother's age is in the best shape of anyone in the group) do more and more of the hard manual labor while I ease back to protect my joints and muscles.  I know that I will not be able to last another 13 years to hit my 20 with this company in the position that I am currently in so I have been really trying to explore what career path I can take next so that I can avoid the whole disability process as long as possible.  The problem is- I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up or how to make it happen here.  I have said for years that I my dream job would be to sit at home, in my pj's and get paid to read.  That leads me to editing or reviewing but there's not a lot of opportunity for that in this area and I don't want to leave.  This leaves me in a quandry as to how to reconcile what I would love to do with what is really feasible and I have been letting it hold me back from taking any steps at all. 

     What started my thinking in this direction this morning is the fact that I am feeling frozen in my current situation in part because of that quandry.  I don't want to start taking (and paying for) college classes that may not lead me down the right path and I feel like something else is holding me back but I don't know what it is that is standing in my way.  I realized over the weekend that one way for me to ease back into taking classes is to do something that I think I would enjoy.  I looked into different possiblities and decided that I could rearrange my schedule and try a yoga class.  As a member of my local YMCA, there are many classes that I can choose from and on Tuesday mornings there is a beginner's class.  I contacted my assistant manager to ask if we could change our schedules (we each work one night a week) to accomodate taking this class.  I contacted the Y to make sure it was an ongoing class and not one that you begin on a certain date and go for X number of weeks and to make sure I didn't need to bring any specific equipment.  I talked it over with my hubby who is supportive of me upsetting our "routine" to take this class.  Everything is in place to make this happen and yet this morning I am feeling a lot of trepidation about going.  I cannot figure out what it is that is making me feel so afraid.  It's a beginner's class- it's not like I am going in cold to an advanced class and trying to keep up.  It's the local Y so it not like I am going to some studio where everyone is tall and thin and in shape and have been doing this for years.  It's not that Yoga will hurt me in general or in my life with RA and Fibro, in fact it will help.  I just don't know where this fear is coming from, I only know that I don't like it at all. 

What's holding YOU back?

     As you know I have been on a big introspection kick of late.  Thinking a lot about my goals and dreams and how to reach the goals and how to re imagine my dreams to fit the curve balls life has thrown my way.  You already know about my goals for the controllable part of my health.  Did you know that when I was a kid I wanted to be a writer?  I didn't quite know what that meant but I imagined myself sitting at home clacking away on my typewriter creating stories like the ones that I loved to read.  I also wanted to be an actress.  I spent a lot of time, while reading those amazing books, imagining different ways that I could say the words on the page.  Being a military brat and moving all the time gives you ample opportunity to reinvent yourself and acting would give that opportunity on a regular basis. Inside I knew that acting was a very long shot so I kept going back to writing.   I imagined myself living in a city somewhere, just me and my pets, writing all day, eating dinner out every night, wearing designer duds and just plain being "fabulous".  Think Sex and the City from a teenage, 70's and 80's mind. Then life happened and I tucked those dreams away with my childhood. 

     Fast forward over 25 years and here we are.  I have been married for 25 years, raised a pretty terrific young man, worked hard, at times played equally hard, and have tried to live my life without regrets.  Are there things I would do differently?  Absolutely, but I only have one regret- and that is not making the move out here a)while I could have spent more time with my granny and b) the "child" were younger and would have had to come with us.  I have learned some very hard lessons along the way but they are just that- lessons that have shaped my life. 

     One thing I realized this weekend is that while I will never be 25 again and 45 is approaching faster than I would like, though I will never be Nora Roberts or James Patterson, Steven King or JK Rowling, I have written and published an article in my college magazine as well as my little e-book, I have written this blog for over two years now with no designs on stopping, and I have another e-book ruminating in my brain.  It looks like I have, while just doing something that I enjoy and without really thinking about it, fallen back into chasing that writing dream.  The only twist is that I have been working in the non-fiction arena rather than writing that Great American Novel.   

     While I was working through this goals and dreams thing this weekend I was wondering what it is that stalls my progress.  In terms of my goals, it would be easy to "blame" my RA and my Fibro for not exercising- but that would be a cop out.  Yes, my illnesses make it very hard for me to get out there and exercise like you see them work out on The Biggest Loser or Heavy, but that has nothing to do with my eating and it's sure as heck not stopping me from walking, from doing a yoga video at home, from "playing" on my Wii-fit.  It would be and has been easy to blame stress and the fact that my other half is a smoker for not quitting smoking but really- last time I was down to 1-2 cigarettes a day and vaping happily away on my electronics when I went back to smoking.  So what is stopping me?  What is holding me back from achieving my goals and really pursuing my dreams? 

     I think maybe part of it is the work.  I think about how much more work it takes for me to lose even a pound now that I am in my forties, much less the over 60 I would like to lose and it just makes me feel exhausted.  It makes me feel exhausted the way even thinking about spring cleaning makes me exhausted.  Confession- the best gift I could ever give myself would be to hire a housekeeper one day a week- I just plain SUCK at housework.  I think that maybe, despite the fact that when it comes to my job I am a workaholic, I expend all of my energy in that direction and have very little left for the rest of my life.   Our jobs are the way we support our family and for so many years it was such a struggle (even now it's not quite a cake walk) that I had to pour my energies into doing the best job possible to make sure that I kept that job and it's just become the way I work.  At one time, I gave myself time once a week for real "me" time (seeing my best friend/hair guru on alternating week from a mani/pedi).  At one time, I was on the go so much that I was easily clocking my 10,000 steps a day without having to work for it- it was part of working two crazy jobs on my feet constantly.  For a long time, working in the restaurant world, I had someone else to cook my meals when ever I worked who was a professional and could suggest great meals that were healthy as well and when I was home, the rug rat would eat healthy stuff as well as the "crap" that my hubby enjoys so I could cook whatever I wanted to suit us all and it would get eaten.   These days there is not too much "me" time- and I most assuredly don't have my standing vanity appointment.  I prefer to spend my time at home with my husband, my puppies and my parents whenever I can.  These days I alternate between 3000 steps and 13000 steps- depending on what's going on with my job.  These days, with only two of us eating- one who needs to lose weight and one who could stand to gain at least half of what I would like to lose; cooking a meal that could do both things is a trial.  All of these things that are going on these days are 100% my choice.  Where I direct my energies is my choice.  I just need to figure out how to  balance the old me and the new me and still be at peace.  For the most part I LIKE who I have become, I just have to find a way to fit in the work I need to do to reach my goals with the rest of my life.  I have to stop letting the excuses get in the way.  I have to stop letting that little voice bully me. I have to get past that little voice that reminds me that my illnesses are always there and if I do too much I could set it off.  When I do that- I am letting the RA and Fibro control part of my life and I have worked so hard to not let it be all that I am about that I have to break this last hold.

     As for my dreams, those are a bit more complicated.  The first thing that is holding me back is a bad case of the "what if's".  What if I am not good enough?  What if I start and just can't finish?  What if I don't deserve to reach my dream?  The second thing is that I am not quite sure how to rework this huge dream to fit where I am now in my life.  I will never be that picture that I had in my head when I was a young girl.  Then again, not many people are.  Writing is not quite as glamorous as I had imagined.  Okay- it's just a job like many others.  I have had a wonderful reality check, courtesy of social media, by interacting with one of my favorite authors M.R. Sellars.  Murv keeps it real.  He is from and still lives in the Midwest.  He loves his wife and child.  He talks about cooking and laundry, housework, deadlines and all of the things we all deal with every day.  He's funny, he's engaging,he's creative and he is just a "normal guy".   He just happens to write books that I really enjoy for a living.  Just "knowing" him has allowed me to see that I don't have to give up what I have if I want to chase that dream again, I just have to re imagine what that dream looks like and what I want that dream to be. 

     Ironically enough, I received my "Thought for Today" Oprah.com newsletter and the title of the newsletter today was "Who are You Meant To Be?"  Since I actually started this blog post yesterday and have an unexpected day off today, I sat down and opened this post, read through what I had written yesterday, minimized the window and opened my email to see that sitting in my inbox.  It was a sign for me that I am on the right path.  I haven't read the articles yet.  I didn't want to read them until after I finished this post because I didn't want them clouding my thoughts while I work through this.  This blog helps me get my thoughts in order.  For me it's like having a conversation with you so I have to focus in order to make myself understood rather than letting things swirl around the way they usually do in this brain of mine.  This blog has been a training ground for me.   It has allowed me to find my voice.  When I wrote Chronically Positive and in the new work (tentatively titled Chronic Living) I write exactly as I write here.  I write from my heart and I write as if we were just talking.  When I think back, when I tried to write fiction,  I had such a problem with whether I would write in first person, whether I would narrate or whether I could just tell a story.  Dialogue killed me.  It just wasn't good because I could not find my footing.  What a gift you have given me by engaging in this blog and helping me find the way I was meant to write.  Am I a genius, nope.  Am I the best writer in the world?  Not on your life.  Do have room for improvement- absolutely!  But I am learning and when a post strikes you enough to comment or to share it with others, you show me what works and for that I am always grateful. 

     So now I have figured out what it is that's holding me back.  I just have to find the strength to get over those obstacles and achieve all that I desire.  So what's holding YOU back from your goals and dreams?  If you have reached them, how did you do it?  Where did you pull the strength from that allowed you to reach for the stars?  My newsletter that I mentioned before begins with a quote and I leave you with the quote from today because I think it's so very appropriate:

“Only by owning who and what you are can you step into the fullness of life.”

                                                                                                           — Oprah

I think I am well on my way to owning it, and I am very much looking forward to stepping into the fullness of my life.  I cannot express how grateful I am for having this arena and for you being my sounding board.  No matter how often I post, I give thanks for this forum and that anyone actually reads it Every. Single. Day. 
 
 

 

    

I know who I am not

I was reading one of my many newsletters this morning.  I was reading an article about 20 questions that everyone should ask themselves when I came across this question: 

How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

The article (By Martha Beck  O, The Oprah Magazine From the February 2011 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine) went on to say this: 

 Your existence is already a factor in world history—now, what sort of factor do you want it to be? Maybe you know you're here to create worldwide prosperity, a beautiful family, or one really excellent bagel. If your impressions are more vague, keep asking this question. Eventually you'll glimpse clearer outlines of your destiny. Live by design, not by accident.

Well- I don't know the answer to the question.  At this point my impressions are very, very vague.  As with most of these articles I think about my life as a whole.  I think about what I am doing in terms of work, in terms of my relationships with my loved ones, with my friends, with aquaintances and with strangers.  I think about these illnesses that I live with and the network I have surrounded myself with and how we support one another.  I think about what I do, and what I would like to do for others.  It's a lot of soul searching.  I am going to think long and hard on what the authentic answer is, but in the meantime- I do know what difference I won't be making in this world. 

There are people like me who have let their health situation consume their every waking moment in a way that leads them to nothing but misery.  They talk about nothing more than how much pain they are in, how their doctor's aren't treating them properly, that no one can possibly understand.  They get to the point that they lose sight of any good in their lives.  I am incredibly thankful that that's not me. 

There are people like me who have taken their situation and use it to educate others.  They find the inner strength to be the voice of the chronically ill and who fight every single day to get the word out about every aspect of their illness.  They teach those not affected about our invisible illness.  They open the curtains on the doctor/patient relationship.  They advocate through their writing and through social media.  They make a difference within the community by providing a forum for the newly diagnosed to find answers and the "old hats" to express their frustration.  They are the hard hitting reporters with a big story- one they cannot get away from.  I am not that person either- I just don't have the patience for it in my life. 

There are people like me who take their situation and use it as a stepping stone to something greater.  They take the challenges of living with a chronic illness and find ways to turn them into positives that they can use to help others.  They find their inner peace and share it with the world.  They use it as a way to share the inner light that is just inherant to them with a much larger audience.  The difference that they make is to lift up those they can reach- and keep reaching farther and farther.  I strive to find that peace and positivity- but I have a long way to go before that can be me. 

There are those who have been married as long as I have who have never worked outside the home. They are content raising their children and making their house a home for their family. They take pride in their skills as domestic goddess.  When I was younger and raising Josh, not only was that not feasible economically but I don't know that I would have had the patience and I KNOW that I didn't have what it takes to be a stay at home mom.  It's just not me. 

There are those who are in the same position that I am in professionally who are terrific at what they do.  They enjoy the social aspect of their job.  They have the talent to diffuse any situation and they are so mellow that they can fit in with most any situation.  They are equally talented at both sides of our "world" (both textbooks and general merchandise) and are successful at managing their business and their situation.  I fall somewhere in the middle there.  I admire their ability to navigate the politics, to take a tense encounter and turn it around and to stay on top of the trends and do it all at once.  That is most assuredly not me. 

It seems, reading back through this, that there are a lot of things that I am not.  The good thing is that with this question rumbling around inside of my head, I get the opportunity to find out who I am.  I get the opportunity to really figure out how I want to leave my mark on the world.  I get to decide what I want my legacy to be- and to make that happen.  For that I can be eternally grateful. 

My own worst enemy

 Bullying has been quite a hot button topic in the last year.  From our government who hosts a well rounded Stop Bullying website to educate everyone as to what bullying is, what forms it can take and how to stop it;  to The Trevor Project and the It Gets Better campaign which aim to prevent suicide amongst LGBT and other bullied kids and teens, the subject of bullying is getting a lot of attention.  On a more local level, the school in which I am located has created "Safe Zones", one of which I am proud to host, and we are working on student training for the fall based on our safe zone training that we hope has quite an impact and has a ripple effect to make people stop and think about how they treat others.   Bullying is not a new phenomenon but our hope is to make it one that is outdated. 

     It would be a little too..."Pollyanna-ish" of me to say that I just want to see people treat one another nicely.  Rather, I would just like to see us return to civility.  In my almost 30 years of working with the public I have seen countless times people treating one another badly.  People will say things and do things to store clerks, cashiers, waiters, bartenders and other service professionals things that they would NEVER say to someone that they know personally.  They treat people in ways that they would not tolerate someone else treating their families.  Whether it comes from a place of entitlement or a need for power it underscores the sense that people are willing to treat other people like total crap in order to get what they want.  No matter what that drives that behavior, I feel that this is also a form of bullying.  It's unacceptable and it needs to stop even if it's only one person at a time.  This is a passionate subject for me.  If there is one thing that working with the public in different capacities has taught me it is to stop and think before I speak in public situations and to be mindful of the other person involved and how my words can affect them.   

    I was sitting on my bed Wednesday night, kicking myself over an ongoing issue, having a pity party with my friends Ben and Jerry when I had a bit of an epiphany.  No matter how civil I am to anyone else, for years I have been bullying myself.  We often say, usually when referring to the choices that we make, that someone is their own worst enemy.  As I sat there calling myself all sorts of names (Stupid,Useless, Fat, No Will Power and more) I stopped for a second and really listened to myself.  In that moment I thought "Whoa!  I wouldn't let anyone else talk to me this way, and I wouldn't speak to someone else that way so why am I doing it to myself?"  That led me to thinking back over the years to the very number of times that I have torn myself down and then beat myself up while I am there.  It had obviously been so often that I do it without even thinking about it.  It shook me to my core to realize that if my husband were constantly talking to me the way that I talk to myself, it would be considered an abusive relationship and if I talked to my staff or my friends that way, I would be considered a bully!  What resonated with me most was that maybe I AM my own worst enemy! 

    As this is a new revelation for me, I haven't worked out where this is going to take me in my life's journey.  I am left wondering how much this denigration has held me back.  I am wondering how I can turn this situation around and make it a positive.  I am wondering how to stop this cycle.  I think my first step will be to find fitting affirmations and keep them with me. The lesson here is that no matter how positive we are in our "waking" moments, that negativity can creep back in at any time.  I think this will teach me to be on my guard.  I hope that it will teach me to be more aware of my thoughts, no matter how fleeting because they can derail your efforts in an instant.  One thing I know for sure is that if I am to work in the Anti-Bullying movement, I have to start with the way I treat myself.