Back to School Rush time- again and again

   Another Back-to-School Rush is in full swing.  For me that means working every day through the 12th.  Of course, now that I am a student as well, it also means getting my head straight for learning as well as busting my cookies in the store.  Last term I took my first Hybrid course.  That means that we meet one day a week on campus and the rest is online.  I much preferred that to fully online classes because that one day face-to-face allows for the immediate questions and answers that I need to feel like I am going in the right direction.

    Spring is a slower time for the store so I am going to attempt to take three classes this semester- one face to face, one hybrid and one online.  What that will require is a lot of discipline on my part.  It will also require that I manage my energy levels to the nth degree. 

    The challenge to that lies not only in the Fibro and RA but some things that cropped up within the last few months.  I was very sick in the Fall - the recurrence of Bronchitis and Pneumonia was a multi-month process and left me beyond exhausted.  When I didn't bounce back my doctor did blood work and discovered that I had developed severe anemia.  Combined with the acid reflux I have been fighting for years now, I ended up at the GI doc who diagnosed GERD just by looking at me and my history and then went a step further.  A few weeks ago I had an endoscopy and he found a big old linear ulcer to top it off that he felt was caused by so many years of NSAIDS.  So now- they have pulled me off the NSAIDS, added lots of iron, doubled the Prilosec in the morning and added RX strength Zantac at night.  It's a lot but my energy level has *almost* righted itself but I am hopeful.  I just have to work with not being on anti-inflammatories.  We are also in the process of changing my RA drug but that's another saga for another time. 

     In the meantime- wish me lots of energy as I tackle these classes this term.  It's one step closer to being done with my degree!  Until next time, I hope your weekend is filled with blessings. 

     

Looking back at 2018- Looking forward to 2019

     2018 was a real roller-coaster.  As I sat there on New Year's Eve reflecting on the past 365 days, I realized just how up and down it went.  If I needed further confirmation, it was the dozen or so posts that I had sitting as drafts that I deleted to clean up my year.  2018 also seemed to fly by like a Supertrain bound from Boston to New York.  I cannot believe we are already in a new year. 

     I waited a day in order to give myself time to really think about all of this- and fortunately I had all of yesterday to make notes at my leisure as I sent the husband up to South Bend for the NHL Winter Classic.  He's a HUGE Boston Bruins fan and I got him a ticket for his birthday.  He went solo because Hockey is not my thing and it's not a huge sport out this way.  He was very content to make the 4.5 hour (each way) drive in order to see his favorite team in Notre Dame stadium and I was content to stay home with the pups and set my desks up for next semester, get a little housework done and pamper myself at my leisure. 

     In reflection- here is what I realized.  In 2018, I allowed myself to get so caught up in school, work, and more emerging health issues that I lost time with some important things.    I didn't spend enough time with my parents, my only writing was for school and rather than fight my illnesses, I just let them wash over me and take me directly into a pity party.  When I am in the throes of that mindset, I withdraw and "deal with it" (without dealing with it) solo because the only pity I want is my own.  Silly isn't it?  It takes something jarring to pull me out of my own head and thankfully, the end of the year did the trick.  That said, I did have some real highlights in visiting Josh and his family for a week, and yet another fun haunt season. 

     In looking forward to 2019, I am not making resolutions. Everyone knows we don't make it 6 weeks with resolutions so instead I am setting goals.

1-  I will address the new issue of a big old ulcer and the resulting anemia head on.  This means diet and taking the yukky medication as directed- no matter how hard it is.

2-  I will do my best to schedule my school work in a manageable schedule.    I have three classes in Spring and more than likely 2 in Fall and I will not procrastinate the homework but schedule time within my day to complete it without being overwhelmed.

3- To that end, I will work to achieve a work-life balance that includes time for self-care in addition to downtime to rest and recharge.  These are things I am not always good at even though I know they are beneficial to both mind and body.

4.  I will make it a point to spend more time with my family- be it Jim and the pups or my parents.  None of us will be around forever and we need to enjoy the time we have.  I also know I have a week with the entire family in June and I will savor it. 

5.  I am going to take 30 minutes a day for reflection and devotion.  I have my early mornings that I am essentially listening to the tube and playing games while my body catches up with my mind waking up and it will be easy enough to "schedule in" 30 minutes.  I will either meditate, write here, write in my journal or my "52 Lists for Happiness" workbook- anything to help get my head on straight to be able to start the day with a clear mind. 

     One "tradition" that I have been considering that I am going to incorporate into this year is a focus word but you know me- I can't just ease into anything so I chose two.  My two words for 2019 are: 

Kindness

Gratitude 

    To practice Gratitude, I am going to start by the simple act of saying "Thank You" to those who matter.  To practice kindness, I am going to begin by really listening and thinking before I speak; measuring my thoughts and reframing with kindness before I reply.  As someone who can be very blunt and sarcastic- that will be the toughest beginning but I am going to commit to it.    

On that note- Thank YOU- for your support for all of these years and for taking time out of your day to read this blog.  I appreciate your comments here and on Twitter and that you've stuck with me through the tough times and the good times.  I hope your 2019 is truly blessed.  

     

How That Hopeful Day Panned Out

     I wanted to wait long enough to see how things would settle before I did an update because thus far, each day has been different.  Ten days ago, my pain management doctor did a series of facet injections on my right lumbar region.  I was given the option of choosing which side and as my right has always been significantly worse than any other area of my body, that was my choice.  When I arrived that day, even with my meds on board my pain level was between a 7 and 8.

The nurses checked me into a screened room in the recovery area, checked my vitals, and then took me back to the procedure room.  As I lay face-down on the table, they cleaned my back with antiseptic and Dr. Habimana, using an x-ray for guidance, gave me several shots of anesthesia in the areas in which there would be shots.  The anesthesia was a quick pinch and then not a lot of feeling on the skin.  Next came the injection.  It is my understanding that the injection was a mix of an anesthetic and a steroid.  The anesthetic to numb the nerves and the steroid for inflammation.  The upper two shots were not bad, just a little pressure as the fluid went in.  If you've ever had a cortisone injection- it was pretty similar, just felt like several times the amount.  I say felt- because I don't know for sure, I just know the amount of pressure and time vs a cortisone injection.

The final injection was directly into the area that has been most painful for years.  I try to be pretty stoic when it comes to things like this and to breath through it ( I mean, if I can sit through 8 tattoos and still want more, what's another needle or two? ) but this hurt like all hell.  I was holding on to the table for dear life and in my head I made up several new swear-word combinations.   My entire body tensed but they talked me through it and soon it was over.  They wiped down my back and applied bandaids and helped me off the table and into a wheel chair then took me back to my recovery area.  I had to wait 30 minutes to ensure I didn't have an adverse reaction and because it's been several months they wanted a routine drug test so they filled my ever-present thermos cup with ice and water and I sat and read until they let me go.  When I left, I would say my pain level was down to a 3- which was amazing! Other than feeling numb, I was fine and was able to drive home.

My after care instructions say to rest for 24-48 hours, not to remove the bandaids for 24 hours, no strenuous activity for 3-4 weeks after the final series of shots and continue normal med routines.  Easy enough to follow and so I went home and rested.  I was pretty numb for the better part of 24 hours.  Once that wore off, I felt like I had a MASSIVE bruise for several days but it wasn't unbearable.  By Monday night even that was wearing away.  Since then I have taken a yoga-ish class, walked longer and farther than in 2 or so years and more.  As long as I take time through out the day to stretch, I am better than I have been in years.  My pain level sits at a solid 2 and I feel like a new person.  I cannot wait to go back on Tuesday and have the left side done.

One very interesting thing that I have learned in this process.  When you are focused on pain in one area, everything else seems minimal.  Once that pain is neutralized- well, the other areas say "HEY! We're still here!".  I thought to myself "Whoa- I knew my left side, shoulders, hips etc hurt-but not as bad as this!"  It's been an eye opener but I am so, so glad I did it and I look forward to seeing how long this works.  I know it's a temporary fix, but I will take it because I am so, so very grateful for the reprieve.

Have a lovely Sunday!

Questions, questions...

I am subscribed to a newsletter for a planner that I bought last year.  At the end of the year, they sent me a questionnaire to help me reflect on 2016 and what changes I want to make for 2017.  The blog post can be found here if you want to take a peek.

Rather than doing all of them at once, I have been spending time thinking about each one as it applies to me. Today's question is:  What goals do I have regarding family, love and friends in 2017?

I have said it before and I will say it again- I am so, so very blessed to have the family that I do.  I have wonderful parents who model every day what a successful marriage is supposed to look like.  I have two lovely, successful biological sisters that I truly enjoy and a third who is a sister of our heart.  Each of them has provided me with smart, sweet nieces and nephews that, despite some not-so-great choices, are really good kids.  The same could be said of my son.  Smart, sweet and loving.  I am so proud of the man he's become and I love the family he's chosen to make his own.  By falling in love with Christina (who is a lovely, smart, strong woman in her own right) he is giving me two beautiful grandchildren.  Do you detect a theme about my family?  We are all very, very different women but we genuinely like one another and our family.  The glitch is that we are so spread out.  Indiana, California, North Carolina, New Hampshire and Oklahoma.  We are all over the country and that makes it hard.

My friends are much the same.  I have some terrific people in my life all over the country.  The problem is- connecting with them as they are everywhere and those that are here are all on different schedules.  It was much easier when you are in school and are together every day.  Now we are grown ups, with our own lives and our own things going on.  It makes staying close more difficult.

So my goal is to reach out.  There are some people who I really NEED to reach out and reconnect with because I miss them.  They aren't active on social media, so it will take a phone call or a card- but I am good at cards!  I am NOT good at birthdays and anniversaries so I send my grand-kids, nieces and nephews and some friends random cards throughout the year just to let them know I am thinking of them.  My goal is to add friends and other family members to the list and really make an effort to let them know when I am thinking about them.  I mean- who doesn't like to get mail that is not a bill?  Hopefully it will be a nice surprise.  I think it will be a positive for all of us and will remind me when I do the deed how grateful I am to have them in my life.

Out With The Old/In With The New

OUT WITH THE OLD-

I discovered this year, my 49th in this world, that I just don't understand people at all.  Here are a few of the things I don't understand:

I don't understand berating strangers, in person or online.
I don't understand destroying property- not your own but especially that which belongs to others
I don't understand physically harming another person.
I don't understand when life became disposable.
I don't understand the inability to look beyond political parties to see what makes the whole of a person.
I don't understand name-calling.
I don't understand hate.  Period.

This year-2016- has been the most hate-filled of my memory.  I was born at the tail-end of the Civil Rights Era and I honestly feel we have regressed.  This year we have seen very vocal and very violent hate based on religion, gender, race, who you love, who you vote for, whether or not you believe in gun regulation, - pretty much anything you can imagine and I just don't get it.  Maybe that makes me naive, but I feel that it makes me happier than living with hate in my heart.  It's certainly more peaceful than being angry all of the time.

IN WITH THE NEW-

This year I have not made resolutions.  I have instead decided to adopt two keywords for 2017:

Kindness

And

Gratitude

If I can live with those two little words first and foremost in my heart for 2017.  It will be a stellar year.  

Happy New Year Friends... 

More Changes

Great News!  The hubby started his first day of his new jobs- yes jobS yesterday!  Two days in a row last week he had interviews, one for full-time, one for part-time. The afternoon of the second interview he got the calls that both were offering him positions.  He immediately accepted- both.  I am very proud of him.  He doesn't have to take both, we are surviving on my salary (though) it's tight- but he wants to do so in order to catch up our savings as to what we spent while he was unemployed.  I don't know how long it will last- he is just past his 50th birthday after all- but I salute that he wants to try it out.

 Both are shipping/receiving so that's good.  The full-time position is at a local leather company, the part-time is at Lowes.  My only concern(?) (beyond him working himself sick) is that he will get a discount at Lowes.  Me working in and managing a bookstore is the height of temptation.  Lowes is that for him.  It could be dangerous-lol.  But hey- if he rebuilds our savings and then wants to work to buy "toys" for his man-cave- more power to him.

So- I got up yesterday and this morning and while I was making my breakfast and lunch for work, I made him a lunch  too.  He never eats breakfast and rarely eats lunch but I thought it would be a small gesture of support.  His hours, once he gets into the groove, will be 7:00am to 3:30pm and home for a bit, then 6pm to 11 or 12pm based upon the trucks coming in for the night.  I am already making my meals and it if makes it easier for him to actually eat- it's not a hardship on me.  Dinner for him Monday was pre-prepped from Sunday.  I made a lovely pork roast and veggies and we still have plenty of leftovers so all he had to do was plate and heat so he could have a real meal in between jobs.  Tonight he will eat something like Ravioli or Beefaroni that he only has to pop on the stove and heat.  I just didn't think ahead.

Another good thing about this is that it gives me an "excuse" to do an even better job of planning our meals.  Until my new Assistant Manager starts work(in a few weeks) I am working open to close on Monday, Tuesday and Thursdays so I won't be home with him in between jobs to cook so we will be forced to think ahead- because there is no way he should be working that many hours without a real meal.   This not only will make sure HE eats- but that I stay on track as well.  That can make a huge difference in my efforts to stay on plan.  There is nothing so helpful for me than being mindful.

The only one I am concerned about is Auggie.  It's been months of changes for him.  First we moved into the new house in October and my schedule was flipped because of Haunt season and traveling for work.  In November he lost his sister when we lost Miss Harley.  They had been constant companions since 2009.  Then we went out of town for a plasma draw twice so he was in a hotel room for the weekend.   Then we went on vacation for a week-not to Grandma and Papa's as usual- over Thanksgiving so he was out of his element again. December he got his "Daddy" 24/7 when Jim lost his job and I went solo once to the plasma draw. and now it's January and Jim and I will both be gone all day again.  Add to that Josh, Karyn, Jim's brother and my parents spending time here in such a short time (when only Josh and Karyn had stayed with us over the years) and he's not sure if he's coming or going.  It will be very good for him to get back to a routine because for now he's out of sorts.  I am so thankful that he's a mellow mutt because if he was high maintenance- it would be big trouble.  He's not acting out- instead he's my shadow when I am home until about 10pm and then wants to play.  He's also not coming if we call his name as if he's "pouting".  We can look right at him and he will look at us and turn away.   I am going to have to get him to play earlier so we can get to bed at a reasonable hour.  I am sure he will eventually get back to himself but in the meantime- we will have to work with him.

So that's the new changes in our lives.  Thankfully they are mostly positive and I can be grateful to get back to another new normal.  Have a great day gang! 

My World In This Moment- **Picture Heavy**

Well- *my* football season ended tonight in a close game.  That frees me from sports until April when the Sox start playing.  Tonight (it's Sunday) I thought I would share a few pictures of the house, what I am up to and- naturally- Auggie.  No major post, just things I am grateful for today.  **All pictures taken between October 1st and yesterday.  They are not in order- Blogger is being a bear about moving them to where I want them**

 The House now that it's winter, and just before the snow

Had to include the monster bed.  I feel like The Princess and the Pea when I climb in. 

The Harry Potter collection in my home office: 

Auggie- King of my world: 

 

Just because it's true: 

 We spend MANY hours like this: 

My latest project- Wands for my store's upcoming Harry Potter Book Night: 

 The house while we were moving in- Miss Harley loved the back yard: 

 
 

 

 

 

A lovely glass sculpture from my Mama that is named for the Sisters hangs over the sink: 

Taking care of myself and getting back to cooking/prepping real meals:

Naturally- still Haunting in season: 

JOSH came to visit to help us move- and then went haunting with me.  :-) 

It's time for another Gratitude Round-up

Every once in a while I need to get down in writing the things that are making me feel grateful.  I use my commute most days to try and get myself focused on them but phone calls (Hands-free of course), my to-do list and other things get in my way.  When I am able to spend that time giving thanks, it keeps me centered and calm.  I don't even get my usual minor case of road rage if I am concentrating on the blessings in my life.  Today I am heading to see the Rheumy first thing so I will be working through what I need to make sure I get done there since this will be my last visit with her before she goes out on maternity leave.  So here we go with another list! 

• Those morning phone calls:  My sister calls me a lot of mornings.  We are usually commuting at the same time, though my commute is a lot shorter than hers.  We don't talk about anything earth shattering, we just visit and if we miss one another it's okay- but it keeps us close when we are geographically so far apart.
• Cortisone:  I had a cortisone injection in my right knee last Friday.  I had gone in for my usual quarterly appointment with the rheumatologist and I was mid-flare.  Everything from the waist down hurt.  She started with my right knee to see how I would tolerate it, and to see if the hip and ankle pain were just radiating from the knee.  Well- almost a week later that knee and ankle feel terrific (comparitively) so back I go today for the other knee and possibly the hips.  Either way I will be thankful for some relief. 
• Good timing/Good people:  Hubby had car trouble this past weekend.  It ended up being an almost $500.00 repair bill.  I am thankful for two things- first that this is my pay week so we can have the repair done and his car back safely on the road and second that the garage allowed us to post date the check for the repair till Friday.  We had planned on just picking it up on payday but they said he could have it back so we were thrilled.  Especially since today is the day that I have to be in Louisville when he has to be at work and I don't get out of work till 7pm. We don't have a LOT of money but we have enough- and that's a good feeling. 
• Being in a place that we can spoil ourselves.   We also, while we were commuting together this week,  noted that we are awfully "spoiled" these days to have two cars.  We haven't had separate cars in a lot of years.  Heck- for at least 10 years we didn't have a car at all.  We relied on cabs, public transportation and our feet to get us where we need to go.  Then we shared a car for several years and finally, after moving out here, we got a second car.  It has been a lifesaver for us and very freeing since we are in an area that there is very little public transportation options and you need a car to go almost everywhere.   

So that's where my head is this morning.  Now it's time to get ready to get ready for work.  I hope you all have a pain free day!

Mulligans and Spiderwebs

I have written before and referenced several times how developing Rheumatoid Arthritis (and Fibromyalgia) gave me far more blessings than they can ever take away from me.  This morning I was watching yesterday's episode of "The Talk" on CBS and they were talking about both the tragedy in Arizona and getting your life in order now rather than later and Michael Douglas's fight with cancer and what they would "do over" if they had the chance. 

Mulligans- do-overs in golf-speak- are great in the game of golf but I don't know that I would do a lot over.  I don't live with a lot of regrets in my life.  Our decisions have too much of a spiderweb effect on our lives.  It spreads out and touches everything.  I don't feel it is positive or productive but I tried to think if there was anything that I would "do over" if I were given the chance. 

First I thought "Okay- easy- I would never have started smoking."  Maybe if I had never started smoking (I was in high school) my hubby would not have started either.  On the flip side- because I smoked, I spent a bit of time in the "smoking lounge" in our high school (no comments on my age please) and would not have met some dear friends who I still talk to today.  I would not have bonded with terrific people at different jobs while we were standing out in the cold indulging that addiction.  We spent a lot of time really talking while in exile from the world and though I am half a country away- I still keep in touch with many of them. 

My second thought was "I would have worked less when I was raising Josh"-  but quite honestly, living in a high cost of living area, had I worked less we would not have been able to be self sufficient.  We would have had to apply for public assistance-for sure- and we would not have been able to afford to give him the kempo karate lessons that have shaped his life in a very large way.  We also would not have met many of our dearest friends and would have missed out on a lot of truly satisfying accomplishments.  We also showed our son that hard work is a good thing.  A strong work ethic is not a bad thing and too many of the "kids" I see today just don't have it.  Too many of them put their social lives before their jobs and don't live up to their commitments and that just makes me shake my head.  Now- I am not saying that our son learned that lesson particularly well- but it is slowly sinking in. 

Just from these two things I realized that even my "bad" choices have given me some terrific people and times in my life- and if I changed them I would lose out on so very much.  I feel that perhaps rather than lamenting on what we would "do over", we should take our bad choices, sad events, and losses and find the things that are blessings in each of them.  It can be done- I promise! 

My best emotional therapy.

While laughter may be the best medicine for what ails you, pets are most assuredly the best therapy. 

This is Harley.  Harley is a 7year old-ish yorkie/schnauzer mix that we adopted over two years ago.  Unlike many yorkies- Miss Dog is most decidedly NOT a lap dog.  She is perfectly content to bring me a toy when I get home, get some love and then go back about her business.  Super sweet and mellow; Harley thinks that every dog and person is supposed to be her friend whether they know it or not.  She has taken on the role of indulgent older sister with our latest family member.  She will tolerate him until she gets tired of him, then she will just wallop him.  She also "fusses" at him if he gets too excited or if he is getting in trouble. 

This is Auggie.  Auggie is about 18 months old and is a cocker spaniel/pekingese mix that we adopted 6 months ago.  He is ALL BOY.  He is rough and tumble and will play with you until you drop from exhaustion.  Unlike Harley- he likes nothing more than being in your lap as long as you have a hand on him.  Also unlike my gentle soul little girl, Auggie has some bad habits (jumping up on you, chewing and he just discovered digging-sigh) and is quickly getting used to hearing the word NO.  What we have to work on is that No means stop completely- not just when Mom or Dad is watching-lol. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday I unloaded the pieces to put together two new fixtures in my store.  It was early in the morning and I wanted to get it done so I did a lot of in myself.  Not the smartest move I have ever made.  Between the lifting and moving and the "window" of the cab falling on me- I managed to hurt myself.  I had finished and was in my office typing when my back seized up.  I seriously felt like I had been hit with a baseball bat and it hurt to so much as breathe.  I haven't felt that sharp of pain in a long time.  Unfortunately, I couldn't leave as I was supposed to be meeting with my client at 4pm.  Fortunately- I always carry spare tramadol and flexeril and was able to take them to slightly dull the pain until I could get home. 

When I did finally get home, I was in a foul mood.  So foul that when I spoke to my husband before leaving work- I jumped right down his throat.  I was in a lot of pain, I was exhausted and I had stayed all day at work for a meeting that had ended up having to be rescheduled about 2 hours before it was to happen.  It doesn't excuse how I handled my mood but it's a contributing factor.  When I got home, I spent a few minutes with the dogs but not as is my usual routine.  The thing about having a pet is that no matter how crappy your mood, no matter what has happened, when you get home at the end of the day- they are just so happy to see you.  Their little tails wag like they will fall off, they come running to see you- they are just happy you are there.  Just seeing them softened my mood enough that when Jim got home I immediately apologized.  My honey forgave me, hooked me up to my TENS machine and sent me up to lay down.  I turned on my heating pad and gingerly lay down to let the heat do its work.  As I laid there, flipping through the channels and wallowing in self pity, I heard a little "boof" from my right side.  Miss Harley was next to the bed and wanted up with me.  I got back up and put her on the bed and before I could get comfortable again, Auggie was right there next to me.  While I had gotten Harley up- he had circled around to the other side of the bed and jumped up to join us.  Though it was what is usually their play time- both dogs had come up to join me on the bed.  They obviously knew something was wrong because they both snuggled up next to me and just laid there quietly beside me for the next hour.  Harley stretched along my leg and Auggie curled up in a ball at my rib cage and nuzzled under my hand so that my fingers were entwined in his silky fur.  Laying there with those two little creatures looking up at me with their big eyes full of love- I couldn't continue feeling sorry for myself.  I closed my eyes and gave thanks for these two beautiful dogs who were there comforting me when I was in so much pain.  That led to thoughts of how blessed I am that we found *these two* particular dogs when we did and that we were able to adopt them when we did and that I have such an understanding husband and how lucky I am  in the rest of my life too.  And before I knew it- the dark clouds over my head were gone.   In less than an hour, they managed to completely heal my soul and bring me back to a place of gratitude.  It didn't chase the pain away- but it did make it easier to deal with and put me back in the right frame of mind.  How could I not be thankful for that?   

  

Make your choice

“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present — love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure — the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.” –Sarah Ban Breathnach

This quote is very important to my life. There are days when it should probably be tattooed on my forehead. The important thing for me is that second sentence- "it is our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend..." Everyone has those days; when you are tired, when you are sore, when you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I am by no means an exception. When I am feeling cranky it is very hard for me to bring myself around to that gratitude place. It is only when I stop and make the decision to find something-anything- to give thanks for that I can flip that switch and change my attitude. The nice thing is that you can do it at any time. You can even, if you have to (and I have), do it many times in a day. There are times when it takes me finding a lot of little things to be thankful for in order to stay in that place all day. It's not easy but it is possible.

This is a lesson that was hard learned for me and I still don't have it completely under my belt. It is very easy to take something small that doesn't go the way you wanted and let it just decimate your day. If you think about it-it's a snowball effect. You get out of bed and stub your toe and that puts you in a mood. Then you can't find the clothes you want to wear. This makes you later leaving than you should be- which puts you in traffic and makes you late for work. You get the point- and that's just the first couple of hours! So why can't we take that SAME snowball and turn it into an avalanche of blessings? The answer is that we can. At first you really may have to work at it but as you make it a regular thing it becomes easier.

I don't know about you but for me when I am having a bad day it seems that the "bad" keeps piling up automatically. If we recondition our thinking; we can make the switch so that our blessings do the same. So which choice will you make today? Will you make it a good day or will you let what happens, happen?

“Gratitude should not be just a reaction to getting what you want, but an all-the-time gratitude, the kind where you notice the little things and where you constantly look for the good, even in unpleasant situations. Start bringing gratitude to your experiences, instead of waiting for a positive experience in order to feel grateful.” — Marelisa Fábrega

Sometimes you need a swift kick in the A$$.

Every once in a while, usually just about the time that I am feeling sorry for myself, I get a nice swift kick in the pants to remind me that no matter how bad, how cranky, how whatever I am feeling- I have it pretty darned good. This time, my "reality check" came when I was not in a "mood" but actually just coasting through the weekend.

I won't bore you with the details but I will say that someone that I know is currently in the ICU in Louisville after having undergone emergency surgery on her stomach this weekend. It was not pretty; her pain was excruciating and I am very thankful that she made it through the surgery and has a good chance of recovery.

As I was saying a prayer last night for my friend, I couldn't help but give thanks for my health and that of my loved ones. In doing so I realized how very grateful I should be. No matter how sore or tired I am- I can get up, I am able to go to work; I am actively involved in my life; I am able to do so much more than I should be able to do. I just can't bring myself to complain about my aches and pains. Do I hurt? Yes. Am I exhausted? Pretty much all of the time. That said- I know that I can come home tonight after an 11 hour day at work, my honey and I can take my puppies out for their walk and then I can go straight to bed if I so choose. I can repeat that process the next two days- if I choose. This weekend I can spend the whole three days in bed- if I choose. For the aches and pains I can up my medication if I need to or I can apply heat or my TENS unit. I have options as to how I treat my condition- what a blessing that is!

It's hard sometimes; when you are hurting on a constant basis-to keep perspective. It's easy to get swallowed up by the pain and fatigue. That said- giving thanks for the health I do have and sending my thoughts and prayers to someone who is much worse off than I am is a good way to bring things back into focus and get me back into a positive state of mind.

A Weight Removed

I have a very serviceable 1996 Buick Century.  It's not pretty, it's not flashy, it is literally a little old lady's car.  It came to me from my Great Aunt (RIP) who drove it 48000 miles before garaging it for four years.  I have owned it for just over two years now and it is creeping up on 68000 miles and suddenly- it is limping.  I put a new water pump in it last week because it started overheating and stalling on me and it is not overheating any longer but is still stalling.  The husband and I talked about it and we weren't sure that we wanted to get into potentially expensive repairs on it.  We went to a couple of different dealerships and ended up liking a used Ford Escape at one dealership and a brand new Kia Soul. 

Here's the thing.  We don't have the best credit rating out there- and in this economy the banks are pretty darned tight with financing.  We could buy the Ford- no problem- but the interest rate would be somewhat astronomical.  The Kia people know what we want to spend- and evidently are pretty sure they can get us the financing because they sent me home with the car for the weekend.  I am not banking (pun intended) on getting the financing at the dollar amount we can comfortably afford because we all know that most dealerships will try and talk you into a higher deal.  Needless to say- the beginning of my weekend was pretty darned stressful. 

In talking it over with my parents and with one another- we decided that if we are going to spend a lot of money on a used car (as much as I love the ESCAPE- it has 100,000 miles on it) we might be better off repairing mine- so the Escape is out.  If we don't get the financing on the Soul- a back up plan is now in place.  My parents are leaving soon for a wonderful three week journey and I am going to borrow Dad's truck if needed.  I had already planned on borrowing it to drive to Ball State and pick up fixtures for the store at the end of June so it might just be a bit earlier.  It is such a relief to know that if I am not driving that cute little vehicle next week- I can shoot down to E-ville and grab the truck so we don't have to scramble to trade Jim's truck back and forth between two crazy work schedules and my myriad of doctor's appointments. 

I am so very grateful to my parents- not only for this but for their advice on this matter.  I am lucky to have them. 

I am a lucky, lucky woman

I am heading back to work today.  I am testing this out.  I am still sore and tired.  I am also a walking bruise.  We had a tough time with drawing my blood and setting my IV and because of that- my left hand and both elbows are significantly bruised.  I also have a "nice" bruise where the biopsy was done and my shoulder aches from hitting the nerve bundle.  And that is all the whining and moaning I will do about that.  I slept a lot this weekend- I am not good at being on bedrest but I know that I needed it.  Here is the thing- being on bedrest this weekend I realized just how lucky I am to have the husband that I have.  He completely stepped up to the plate and took stellar care of me. 

He took me to this hospital on Friday and waited until I was checked in and in my johnny.  I told him to go home and relax and instead he went home and got my guest room ready (he even went out and got a DVD player and wired it so I could watch movies) and spent time with the puppies.  He was back (with the coffee I requested) well before I got out of the procedure because we were running late.  He came back at the time my procedure *should* have been done and sat in my room watching tv until I came back up.  When I got back he made sure that my food was open and I was eating so that I could take my pain pill and that I was comfortable enough to sleep. 

When we got home he got me upstairs, showed me how to work my DVD player, set me up with an intercom and checked on me time and again.  He went down and brewed coffee for me and brought up my thermos and cup so I could have it when I felt up to it and then went to the video store and rented new movies for me.  He brought me food, got my fan set in the window and made sure I was comfortable.  The next day was more of the same and on Saturday night when I was allowed to get out of bed- and went to do an errand- he made sure I got back in bed as soon as I got home.  He kept the dogs from being too rambunctious on my bed and shooed them out when necessary. 

Most importantly- he never made me feel like I was putting him out or that he felt like he *had* to do any of this.  He made me feel loved, and cared for and like he was happy to be there for me.  I am so very blessed to have my husband.  I am blessed that after all of these years I never had to ask once for anything that he knows me well enough that he did what I needed to keep me in bed and never batted an eye.  I am grateful that he knows how much I appreciate him and all he does on a regular basis to make my life with my medical issues easier. 

A lot to be grateful for this Friday

Just a list today because if I were to talk about each of them- we would be here a week. So here is my top ten list of blessings this week:

1- My baby sister made it through her surgery with flying colors. 

2- I have taken solid steps to get back on the path to personal health. 

3- We are at our inventory point of our year at work and we are pretty well prepared. 

4- This is going to be a long weekend but it will be so productive and go a big way in getting things settled. 

5- I had a bit of an AHA moment this week- which is always a nice feeling. 

6-  The pups are getting used to their new "crating" situation and Auggie is doing well with *most* of his training.

7-  The weather this week has been beautiful and we were able to enjoy it.

8-  I was able to book baseball tickets this week for three games!  We will so enjoy that. 

9-  I also was able to book a tour of Waverly Hills Sanatorium for Karyn and I when she comes to visit in August.

10- I have that visit to look forward to as well as both of my sisters visiting this summer. 

Be good to yourself

Often, we get so caught up in our lives that we go through the motions without stopping and devoting any time to ourselves.  I can think of a lot of fabulous women and men who are so busy taking care of their jobs, their families, their friends and their lives that they don't have time left over for themselves. 

It can be hard to stop and do something nice for yourself- but we all need to do it.  I remember a time in the not so distant past where I would give myself two hours a week to be pampered.  On alternating weeks I would have a mani/pedi and the other week would be hair.  Fast forward to today and it has been- I am ashamed to admit- 16 months since my last hair cut.  I recently went to have a pedi because I could NOT bring myself to go to Florida without it.  I realized while sitting in the chair that it has been since last summer that I had indulged in that as well.  Time has obviously gotten away from me and I have been so busy with life in general that I let those things go.  Are they essential in life- no, but I really enjoy them.  When I am in the chair letting someone else take care of me I can fully relax and just enjoy the experience. 

It may sound silly, but I find that when I do something like schedule some salon time, I feel better about myself.  It's not even remotely about how I look when I come out- it's about taking the time to do something that is just for me.  It's about telling myself that I deserve some pampering and that I am worth the time and attention that I am paying to myself.  I feel the same way when I take a day and wander through a museum with a like-minded friend or go to an outdoor cafe and sit with my feet up, sipping a nice macchiato, watching people and writing down my impressions or reading a great book.  It indulges that place inside me that has nothing to do with responsibilites and everything to do with pleasure.  It feeds that peaceful, quiet place in my soul. 

The question that begs to be asked is- if it is so "good" for me, why do I not indulge more often?  The answer is simple.  Like so many others, I fall into the trap of putting myself- or rather my indulgences last.  I enjoy devoting my time to my husband, my pups, my family, my work and other responsibilites; I just let myself get caught up in everything else in the process.  Don't get me wrong- I love my life, I just feel like something is missing- and that something is taking care of the part of my life that goes beyond my health. 

In order to correct that I am giving myself April.  The whole month I am going to make it a point to do things that I enjoy because I enjoy them.  I am going to be as good to myself as I would a friend.  I am going to schedule in "me" time the same way I would a meeting and make it as much a priority.  I am going to do this because I AM worth it- and so are YOU!  I hope that you will join me, even if for an hour, in giving yourself the gift of "you time" this month.  You may find that it reminds you just how many blessings you have in your life and you will most assuredly be grateful that you did. 

Today's Aha Moment

I Had the most wonderful day with my honey and my puppies today. The weather was just beautiful weather.  It was in the 50's and sunny out- very much the peek of spring that has been missing in our lives.  When Jim got out of work we took a mini-road trip back to Madison.  When he called to tell me he wanted to go up there and get burgers- I just rolled my eyes and changed my clothes.  We really enjoy our rides together and it is not unusual for us to drive for good food.  In this case it is only amusing because we drove an hour each way for a meal of White Castle sized burgers and fries- but much better quality.  It was all of a $15.00 meal- including tip. 

We came back home, we took a nap and then when we got up we ran to the store and phamacy and then got the dogs in the truck and took them to walk along the river.  When there aren't a lot of people around there we can let Harley off her leash and let her run.  This time we let the dogs run- and I ran a little with them. Just a little- but more than I could have a year ago.  As an overweight smoker I always joked that the only way you would get me to run was if someone was chasing me- and today I got those legs moving.  And now I am having a really yummy salad for dinner then watching Survivor with Jim.

It was as we lay down to sleep this afternoon for our usual "family nap" that I had my Aha Moment.  I was on one side of the bed, Jim on the other with our hands touching and Auggie was laying with his head on my leg.  Harley started out near Jim but moved over to snuggle against my other leg. It was a very sweet moment and as she settled in, a sense of peace stole over me.  I looked down (up?) at them; smiled and thought "Yes!  This is my life and it is just how it should be."  That was my last thought as I drifted off into the best sleep I have had in weeks.  Two hours later I stirred and stretched and the puppies stirred and stretched with me and then came jumping over to give me kisses before I helped my little old lady Harley down off the bed. 

I am so thankful for the day we have had together.  It was completely spontaneous, it was not something remarkable, but it was the kind of day that if you have that moment as I did, you realize that you are so truly blessed and none of the "bad stuff", none of the stress, none of your worries- can take that away.  It also sends me to bed tonight open to another day just like it tomorrow. 

Working for the weekend

Ahhhhh, it's Friday!  It has been a very long week of budgeting but that is both done and has been accepted- high five to us for getting it done on the first try AND for getting it submitted early enough that we don't have to drive to Dayton on Tuesday.  Today I have three very important meetings.  We have our usual staff meeting at 8:00, I address the faculty of the Business School at 10 and we meet with our "client" at 2.  After that is over, once I make notes, I am RUNNING for my car as I am more than ready for this weekend to start. 

I have nothing exciting planned- I am not doing anything more strenuous than working on my Vision Board and doing some journaling- but I am just so thankful to have two days to just relax and get myself centered again.  As that has been difficult of late- I look forward to letting the tension drain from my body and just sitting in the quiet with some light music until the peace takes over. 

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. 

Breeding Negativity?

Not me- because that would be completely counterproductive- but some of the people around me.  I have a few people who are very dear to me who are so constantly negative that I often just want to shake them.  It is funny because I usually have one of two extreme reactions (depending on my mood) when I spend any time talking to them.  The first reaction is that I overdose on positivity.  I basically end up arguing them into admitting their life REALLY doesn't suck as much as they like to portray.  The other is that I listen, I apologize, I commisserate and I get off of the phone/IM/Skype as fast as humanly possible because inside I am getting so aggravated that I might say something that is not particularly nice.  It is exhausting to be around someone who is always negative.  It is draining.  Quite honestly- having worked so hard to banish that from my life- it makes me blatently ANGRY. 

I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them hard and yell that all of their negativity just invites more negativity into their lives.  I want to tell them:

• It is tiring to always hear about how awful you have it, how everything bad happens to you and how nothing is every right.  It is also demoralizing to see that you are not taking responsibility for the situations that you have created and are not working to change them. 
•     
• When you constantly talk about how everything bad always happens to you- you diminish all the good things that happen to you. 
• When you always focus on the pain you are in, be it physical, mental or emotional, you will not see that you have good days as well as bad and you will not feel the relief.
• When you talk about how people suck, people are mean, people are stupid- you discount all of the GOOD people in your life- and guess what?  That hurts.
• When you concentrate on everything that is bad in your life, when you fail to acknowledge all of your blessings- you make it seem as if none of those blessings are as important as your woes. 
• When you ALWAYS see what is WRONG in your life- it is a self fulfilling prophecy.  You. Will. Always. See. The. Bad. Things. In. Your. Life.  You need to STOP- look UP- and look for and embrace the people and things that are right, and good, and happy in your life.  If you do-you will invite MORE good, and right and happy things into your life.  And you deserve that.  We all deserve that. 

I wish I had the nerve to say these things to them, but they mean more to me than the sum of their misery.  Now that I have said it here- I can be grateful that I have left the drama and the chronic complaining behind me in my life.  I can be grateful that I can see how very blessed I am.  I can be grateful that I know that I have wonderful people, and blessings big and small in my life.  And I can only anticipate more. 

The road less traveled

“You’ve got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you’re not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.”
― Steven D. Woodhull

I got this quote in my inbox on Friday.  As I read it, I just smiled because it is so simple, yet makes so much sense.  How many times have we stayed on the same path for far longer than is good for us because it is easier than making a change?  I know I have- far too often. 

A prime example is getting out of Massachusetts.  For many, many years my Grandmother (rest her soul) and my parents advised me to get out of there.  They offered us a place to stay in Indiana so we could make a life for ourselves out here.  For those same years- we had a million "reasons" (read-excuses) why we should stay there but what it boiled down to was that it was the life we knew.  Even though Massachusetts has an incredibly high cost of living, even though we struggled month to month- it was easier than picking up and changing our lives completely.  Of course- now we know by having made that move coming up on three years ago- it was the best thing we could have done. 

We also know that had we listened to our loved ones years ago- Josh would not be facing the exact same conundrum right this minute.  Josh is having a tough time of it up there.  We have offered him a home, my parents have offered him a home, my sisters have offered him a home- all in different places across the country- all with the possibility of a fresh start.  He, like his parents before him, is trying his hardest to make it work where he is comfortable.  What he doesn't realize is that all of us understand how hard it is to make that change and we only want to hold open the door to possibilities for him.  It is up to him to walk through that door.

Choosing to take the road less traveled is just that- stepping through a door and opening up a world of possibilities.  It's a chance to re-invent yourself and to (as Oprah is wont to say) "Live your best life".  It's literally a chance to have a mulligan or a "do over".  You can go someplace were very few (or no) people know you.  They don't know your history, they don't know your mistakes, they only know what they see of your words and actions from this day forward.  Sounds good doesn't it?  No matter how good it sounds it can very, very hard to make that first step.  It means physically walking away from what you consider "home".  Even though there are email, IM, phones, it means "leaving" your friends.  It means leaving your comfort zone.  Stepping out of that comfort zone can be very SCARY- but if you take that leap it can be equally gratifying.  

In going back to the quote at the beginning of this blog- I cannot be grateful enough that we did exactly what Mr. Woodhull advises and made another choice.   Having taken that chance, having stepped out of our comfort zone, having opened ourselves up to the possibilities has given us more blessings than we could ever have imagined.  Most importantly, it has allowed us to find out who we are and not have to live up to what others think.  It has allowed us to reinvest in our relationship with one another and if possible we are happier now than we were as newlyweds.  It has give us peace, in our home, in our hearts and our souls.  Would I recommend the road less traveled- you bet I would because if you keep your mind and your heart open- it can change your life immeasureably.