Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Spinning out of control.

I wonder if this happens to anyone else.  When I start to flare in even a minor way, it affects every other part of my life.  I don't mean depression or inability to do things.  I start beating myself up.

For example.  I have been doing very well.  SO well, in fact, that I had eased off my pain meds and was only taking my Orencia.  I was so happy- I am sure some of you have an idea just how happy.  Then it started.  My lower right side of my back is hurting.  Hurting a lot.  Hurting; back on the pain meds, can't get comfortable to sleep, hurts to sit-stand-lay;hurting.  This leads me to the "I hate this, I hate my body" thinking.  That leads to "I hate my body; if I wasn't so fat, maybe this wouldn't happen."  "I hate my body; I am getting old and ugly."  "I hate my body; If I could just follow through on exercise- I could lose the weight and blah, blah, blah"  I am sure you see where I am going here.

This morning, I sent a message to my baby sister in our private weight loss group on Facebook. I started thinking about my sisters.  One had a gastric bypass and looks terrific.  She was (in my mother's words) so focused and so determined and did everything the doctor said to the letter.  She did it exactly the right way.  The other sister went through marriage difficulties and ended up separating from her husband.  When she moved out, she found free time on her hands as they share custody and she started using her time to go to the gym.  She looks like she did in high school.  I cannot express how proud I am of them.  In my current state of mind that started me spinning.

It started with " I am so proud of them- they are taking great care of themselves and doing this for themselves and it shows."  That wound around to "Why can't I do that? I always make an excuse.  There's no reason.  I don't have kids at home.  It's only a half hour to an hour of my time each day.  Who cares if I am too tired?  Who cares if I am hurting?  If I really wanted this I would push through the "tired" and the pain and get off my ass. God I am stupid and lazy!"

I know what I need to do.  I have to get off this merry-go-round.  I have to celebrate when I DO do something right (like eating right, which I try to do all of the time) and when I DO exercise (like yesterday when I did a cycle of yoga at home).  I have to find a way to get out of my own head and push through the cycle of kicking myself while I am down and refocus on my positive side.  The hard part will be doing it.

So my question is this- does this happen to you?  If so, how do you get out of this?  

Friday, July 13, 2012

Karma Cleanse

I saw this on Pinterest and really liked it so I wanted to share:

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Who are you really?

This past weekend I went and got my hair colored.  It's fairly dramatic.  I went a few shades darker all over with pretty blonde highlights sprinkled throughout.  I have been thinking of doing this for a long time but fear of any hairdresser not being MY hairdresser (I miss my Jody!) has held me back.  Finally I decided that; to heck with it- if I didn't like it, there are a thousand boxes at the local Target that I could throw on there and change it up again.  When Krista (the stylist) turned me around in my chair at the end of the appointment I just sighed and smiled.  It was exactly what I had envisioned. It looks like, well, what I have felt like for quite some time.  It just feels right.  After years of varying shades of blonde- which was perfect for that time in my life, this now feels like me.  Do you know that feeling?

My slight transformation started me thinking about the changes I have made in my life to get to this "new" place.  Gradual changes made over the years have brought me to a new place far more than contracting (do you really contract these illnesses?) Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia.  The conclusion that I have come to is that I have reached a place where, while of course the daily nagging pain and the stiffness that creeps in while I am sedentary (not to mention the pill collection O_o) are reminders that I have these illnesses, I think about it it far less than I have in years before.  I have finally, again gradually, reached the point that RA and Fibro are just a background factor like the color of my eyes or my distinct lack of height.  They are things that I cannot change, they just "are".  I have often said over the years since I got past the initial diagnosis that these illnesses are just a part of the overall me- but now I feel like they have truly taken a back seat to the rest of my life.

My point?  Well, I am not "the woman with RA".  There is so much more to me.

I am Josh's Mom.
I am Harley and Auggie's Mom.
I am Jim's wife.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.

I am a hard worker
I am loyal
I am dependable
I am honest
I am loving

I like reality tv
I like scary movies
I like magazines

I love books
I love cooking
I love the hot days
I love spending time with family
I love to write
I love naps

I dream of traveling around the world.
I dream of breaking the NY Times 100 bestsellers
I dream of having a housekeeper
I dream of doing the million things I would like to do (yoga classes, volunteering, giving big gifts to my 5 favorite causes, learning to meditate and more)
I dream of going to school perpetually
I dream of winning the lottery to finance my dreams

I am interested in self improvement
I am interested in the Paranormal (specifically Ghosts- not cryptozoology)
I am interested in crafts
I am interested in DIY projects
I am interested in trying new things

I do not like house work (see the dreams above).
I do not like extreme heights.
I do not like spiders
I do not like ignorance or bigotry
I do not like traffic or waiting in lines

See- there is far more to me than my illnesses.  How about you?  Putting aside your challenges- who are you really?