Well- we know that my biopsy result showed Methotrexate Hepatotoxicity. That tells me (cause I am WICKED perceptive) that I will be losing my Methotrexate. To be brutally honest- this morning I am just as nervous as I was for my biopsy last week. I am seeing my rheumatologist early this afternoon and she will tell me where we can go from here. I have been through all of the major DMARDS- so what is left? I have searched and searched and I haven't found anything that I would expect- and I like knowing what to expect.
I guess this part is becoming a page turner- and I will turn that page around noon.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The Road to Recovery
I have discovered that I am no longer a spring chicken. I mean- I knew that I am growing older, I knew that my body is most definitely older but have always been the person who rarely gets sick and when I do, I ride it out; I don't let it get the best of me.
The biopsy last Friday knocked me for a loop. When I got home I felt like I had been kicked by a Derby horse-literally- in my ribs and shoulder. Saturday was much of the same. Sunday I got up and was moving around and trying to be "normal" but I was so tired that my biggest desire was for sleep. Yesterday- I went back to work. I made it to 1:30pm. By then I was so tired that I was nauseated. I came home, put the dogs out, while they were outside I changed into my pajamas and then the three of us crawled up into our bed and slept until Jim got home at quarter to 5. The bruises are still there (it was a tough time getting my bloodwork and IV set) and they are tender; the shoulder throbs with any use; but that is minor compared to how bone tired I have been.
I think that I was so focused on the biopsy itself that the whole nerve bundle to the shoulder thing took me by surprise and I let it throw me. I was expecting to hurt in the area of my liver. I didn't know where they would go in (I was guessing the front) but expected that to hurt. When I got out of the procedure and they wanted me to lay on my side but I couldn't get my shoulder into a position that didn't hurt- it made me want to cry. I became whiney and that really bothered me because that is NOT me.
When I got up I started dinner and while the chicken was cooking I looked up liver biopsy on the Mayo Clinic site. **On a side note- Mayoclinic.com is my go-to site for anything medical. The only other site I use on a regular basis is that of the Cleveland Clinic. There is something about WebMD and the other sites that I just don't trust- so that's my endorsement. ** According to Mayo- it could be a couple of weeks before my shoulder and ribs are "right" again. Knowing this- and knowing that part of my lack of sleep is that I can't get comfortable at night because my muscles in my ribs twitch and my shoulder hurts- I resolved last night to power through. I will go back to work today and I will do what it takes to make it work. I am not going to let this kick my butt any longer. When I am in the frame of mind where the exhaustion wins- I am not being positive. I am determined to get back to that positive place. The biopsy is over. The results are in. I got the call while I was sleeping yesterday afternoon and missed the office hours so I will call today. I am pretty sure that everything will be fine and if it's not I will deal with it. Either way- I will put this behind me and move on. It has been first and foremost in my mind since March when it was first discussed and it's time to let it go.
The biopsy last Friday knocked me for a loop. When I got home I felt like I had been kicked by a Derby horse-literally- in my ribs and shoulder. Saturday was much of the same. Sunday I got up and was moving around and trying to be "normal" but I was so tired that my biggest desire was for sleep. Yesterday- I went back to work. I made it to 1:30pm. By then I was so tired that I was nauseated. I came home, put the dogs out, while they were outside I changed into my pajamas and then the three of us crawled up into our bed and slept until Jim got home at quarter to 5. The bruises are still there (it was a tough time getting my bloodwork and IV set) and they are tender; the shoulder throbs with any use; but that is minor compared to how bone tired I have been.
I think that I was so focused on the biopsy itself that the whole nerve bundle to the shoulder thing took me by surprise and I let it throw me. I was expecting to hurt in the area of my liver. I didn't know where they would go in (I was guessing the front) but expected that to hurt. When I got out of the procedure and they wanted me to lay on my side but I couldn't get my shoulder into a position that didn't hurt- it made me want to cry. I became whiney and that really bothered me because that is NOT me.
When I got up I started dinner and while the chicken was cooking I looked up liver biopsy on the Mayo Clinic site. **On a side note- Mayoclinic.com is my go-to site for anything medical. The only other site I use on a regular basis is that of the Cleveland Clinic. There is something about WebMD and the other sites that I just don't trust- so that's my endorsement. ** According to Mayo- it could be a couple of weeks before my shoulder and ribs are "right" again. Knowing this- and knowing that part of my lack of sleep is that I can't get comfortable at night because my muscles in my ribs twitch and my shoulder hurts- I resolved last night to power through. I will go back to work today and I will do what it takes to make it work. I am not going to let this kick my butt any longer. When I am in the frame of mind where the exhaustion wins- I am not being positive. I am determined to get back to that positive place. The biopsy is over. The results are in. I got the call while I was sleeping yesterday afternoon and missed the office hours so I will call today. I am pretty sure that everything will be fine and if it's not I will deal with it. Either way- I will put this behind me and move on. It has been first and foremost in my mind since March when it was first discussed and it's time to let it go.
Monday, April 19, 2010
I am a lucky, lucky woman
I am heading back to work today. I am testing this out. I am still sore and tired. I am also a walking bruise. We had a tough time with drawing my blood and setting my IV and because of that- my left hand and both elbows are significantly bruised. I also have a "nice" bruise where the biopsy was done and my shoulder aches from hitting the nerve bundle. And that is all the whining and moaning I will do about that. I slept a lot this weekend- I am not good at being on bedrest but I know that I needed it. Here is the thing- being on bedrest this weekend I realized just how lucky I am to have the husband that I have. He completely stepped up to the plate and took stellar care of me.
He took me to this hospital on Friday and waited until I was checked in and in my johnny. I told him to go home and relax and instead he went home and got my guest room ready (he even went out and got a DVD player and wired it so I could watch movies) and spent time with the puppies. He was back (with the coffee I requested) well before I got out of the procedure because we were running late. He came back at the time my procedure *should* have been done and sat in my room watching tv until I came back up. When I got back he made sure that my food was open and I was eating so that I could take my pain pill and that I was comfortable enough to sleep.
When we got home he got me upstairs, showed me how to work my DVD player, set me up with an intercom and checked on me time and again. He went down and brewed coffee for me and brought up my thermos and cup so I could have it when I felt up to it and then went to the video store and rented new movies for me. He brought me food, got my fan set in the window and made sure I was comfortable. The next day was more of the same and on Saturday night when I was allowed to get out of bed- and went to do an errand- he made sure I got back in bed as soon as I got home. He kept the dogs from being too rambunctious on my bed and shooed them out when necessary.
Most importantly- he never made me feel like I was putting him out or that he felt like he *had* to do any of this. He made me feel loved, and cared for and like he was happy to be there for me. I am so very blessed to have my husband. I am blessed that after all of these years I never had to ask once for anything that he knows me well enough that he did what I needed to keep me in bed and never batted an eye. I am grateful that he knows how much I appreciate him and all he does on a regular basis to make my life with my medical issues easier.
He took me to this hospital on Friday and waited until I was checked in and in my johnny. I told him to go home and relax and instead he went home and got my guest room ready (he even went out and got a DVD player and wired it so I could watch movies) and spent time with the puppies. He was back (with the coffee I requested) well before I got out of the procedure because we were running late. He came back at the time my procedure *should* have been done and sat in my room watching tv until I came back up. When I got back he made sure that my food was open and I was eating so that I could take my pain pill and that I was comfortable enough to sleep.
When we got home he got me upstairs, showed me how to work my DVD player, set me up with an intercom and checked on me time and again. He went down and brewed coffee for me and brought up my thermos and cup so I could have it when I felt up to it and then went to the video store and rented new movies for me. He brought me food, got my fan set in the window and made sure I was comfortable. The next day was more of the same and on Saturday night when I was allowed to get out of bed- and went to do an errand- he made sure I got back in bed as soon as I got home. He kept the dogs from being too rambunctious on my bed and shooed them out when necessary.
Most importantly- he never made me feel like I was putting him out or that he felt like he *had* to do any of this. He made me feel loved, and cared for and like he was happy to be there for me. I am so very blessed to have my husband. I am blessed that after all of these years I never had to ask once for anything that he knows me well enough that he did what I needed to keep me in bed and never batted an eye. I am grateful that he knows how much I appreciate him and all he does on a regular basis to make my life with my medical issues easier.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Excitement and Nerves all at once.
This morning I am headed out to the Paul Mitchell School do fulfill my committment to myself to do something nice for me. I am very much looking forward to it. I am not looking forward to tomorrow. In fact- when I think about it, I get that stomach clutch going. I know it will be fine- I know that I will get through it with little to no problems but sometimes a little information can be bad and I have read about the biopsy and the thought of a "needle the size of an ink pen refill" going in my gut- just not cool. I think I would be better off having gone in blind-lol.
I am just grateful that I can schedule today off. Today is the first anniversary of my MIL's passing. I knew hubby would be not in a work frame of mind today and I was right. He took today off and is going to go golfing. He wants to have no demands and no one bugging him. He wants to be alone in his head- but he also was happy to have me there with him this morning. Since we can't go to the cemetary (it's on Cape Cod) we sent flowers and his youngest sister will deliver them. It was the first thing he asked me about this morning so I knew it was weighing heavily on him. We will be going our seperate ways this morning but will come together this afternoon and spend it together. It is bittersweet that we have to have a reason like this to get a day off together. We have to have an early dinner because I have to fast for 12 hours but perhaps we will go out and enjoy a meal and then come home and snuggle in with the dogs. I think a quiet evening at home is in order.
According to the sites I will be on bedrest for at least 24 hours so I am not planning on writing this weekend. I am going to hunker down with some good books (I bought three new Chicken Soup books) and magazines (I have three months of "O" and a couple of Real Simple) and stay in my bed until Saturday. Then I have a whole season of The Forgotten (I can't believe they cancelled it!) and Leverage to work my way through. No stress, total relaxation.
I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend!
I am just grateful that I can schedule today off. Today is the first anniversary of my MIL's passing. I knew hubby would be not in a work frame of mind today and I was right. He took today off and is going to go golfing. He wants to have no demands and no one bugging him. He wants to be alone in his head- but he also was happy to have me there with him this morning. Since we can't go to the cemetary (it's on Cape Cod) we sent flowers and his youngest sister will deliver them. It was the first thing he asked me about this morning so I knew it was weighing heavily on him. We will be going our seperate ways this morning but will come together this afternoon and spend it together. It is bittersweet that we have to have a reason like this to get a day off together. We have to have an early dinner because I have to fast for 12 hours but perhaps we will go out and enjoy a meal and then come home and snuggle in with the dogs. I think a quiet evening at home is in order.
According to the sites I will be on bedrest for at least 24 hours so I am not planning on writing this weekend. I am going to hunker down with some good books (I bought three new Chicken Soup books) and magazines (I have three months of "O" and a couple of Real Simple) and stay in my bed until Saturday. Then I have a whole season of The Forgotten (I can't believe they cancelled it!) and Leverage to work my way through. No stress, total relaxation.
I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Pink Shirt- Anti Bullying Day
Bullying- do you remember it when you were a kid? You may not have been bullied, you may have just been an innocent bystander- or you may have even BEEN the bully- but I think we all remember knowing about it. I moved around a lot. At every single school or base (thirteen in different states and countries) I can remember at least one- if not more- kid who was "always" picked on. That shows that it has been a pervasive phenomenon for over thirty years. This most recent generation has definitely stepped it up. Beginning with the Columbine tragedy in 1999- the topic of bullying has been very in your face and yet it continues to get worse. No longer satisfied with verbal taunts and physical abuse- bullies have taken their crimes online, creating a far-reaching and everlasting legacy. The most recent story, that of Phoebe Prince, a 15 year old Irish immigrant to South Hadley, Massachusetts who was targeted by 9 girls (and boys) so relentlessly that she committed suicide, has opened the floodgates for stories of being bullied around the world.
They say that out of the ashes rises a Phoenix. Our Phoenix on this story is in the form of two high school seniors; David Shepherd and Travis Price, from Nova Scotia. After seeing a freshman being bullied on the first day of school for wearing a pink polo shirt, David and Travis mobilized. Rather than merely confront the bullies, the boys went to a local discount store and bought 50 pink shirts and then used the internet to gather support from their friends and classmates. The story found here goes on to say that the next day David and Travis handed out their shirts and hundreds of other classmates came wearing their own until there was a "Sea of Pink" sending an effective message to the bullies. It seems the bullies have received the message loud and clear. This positive story was picked up by Ellen Degeneres who discussed it on her show and from there it has grown.
Today (April 14th) is Pink Shirt Day. In many schools in the US and Canada students, teachers and others will be wearing Pink (not limited to shirts) in solidarity of the Anti-Bullying message. Of course- it was posted on facebook where the word spread like wildfire. Two boys decided to take a quiet stand and their message was heard loud and clear. How powerful is that? I will be wearing a pink shirt today- will you?
They say that out of the ashes rises a Phoenix. Our Phoenix on this story is in the form of two high school seniors; David Shepherd and Travis Price, from Nova Scotia. After seeing a freshman being bullied on the first day of school for wearing a pink polo shirt, David and Travis mobilized. Rather than merely confront the bullies, the boys went to a local discount store and bought 50 pink shirts and then used the internet to gather support from their friends and classmates. The story found here goes on to say that the next day David and Travis handed out their shirts and hundreds of other classmates came wearing their own until there was a "Sea of Pink" sending an effective message to the bullies. It seems the bullies have received the message loud and clear. This positive story was picked up by Ellen Degeneres who discussed it on her show and from there it has grown.
Today (April 14th) is Pink Shirt Day. In many schools in the US and Canada students, teachers and others will be wearing Pink (not limited to shirts) in solidarity of the Anti-Bullying message. Of course- it was posted on facebook where the word spread like wildfire. Two boys decided to take a quiet stand and their message was heard loud and clear. How powerful is that? I will be wearing a pink shirt today- will you?
Monday, April 12, 2010
What a weekend
Well- it was a really, really busy weekend. Inventory is complete except for the paperwork follow up, we tore down the fixtures and reset the store. I am paying for it physically but inside- the satisfaction makes it worth it. I think that is the quandry for me. The reason I continue to push myself beyond where I should- because at the end of the day- the pain and the exhaustion are less important than the accomplishment.
I don't know where I will draw the line or when but I think, knowing that I am a bit of a workaholic it may be quite some time as long as my body cooperates. One positive change that I have made is finding BALANCE. I don't pull weekends like this past one without knowing that I have down time in my very near future. After getting home last night I rested- not napped- but rested and then later we took the dogs down to the river for their evening walk. That served to bring me down from my work, work, work mode and to make me able to shut my mind down so I could go to sleep.
This week is a "big" week- I am only working today, tomorrow and Wednesday. Thursday I am having a "me" day. Hair, nails, wax- everything I have neglected. That will put me in the frame of mind I need for the biopsy on Friday morning. After the biopsy- from what I have read- it is bed rest for 24 hours. That takes me into Saturday afternoon and I have no intention of doing anything for the rest of the weekend more strenuous than taking Harley and Auggie for their walks. Just the opposite of this past weekend. Balance.
We shall see how that works out. :-)
I don't know where I will draw the line or when but I think, knowing that I am a bit of a workaholic it may be quite some time as long as my body cooperates. One positive change that I have made is finding BALANCE. I don't pull weekends like this past one without knowing that I have down time in my very near future. After getting home last night I rested- not napped- but rested and then later we took the dogs down to the river for their evening walk. That served to bring me down from my work, work, work mode and to make me able to shut my mind down so I could go to sleep.
This week is a "big" week- I am only working today, tomorrow and Wednesday. Thursday I am having a "me" day. Hair, nails, wax- everything I have neglected. That will put me in the frame of mind I need for the biopsy on Friday morning. After the biopsy- from what I have read- it is bed rest for 24 hours. That takes me into Saturday afternoon and I have no intention of doing anything for the rest of the weekend more strenuous than taking Harley and Auggie for their walks. Just the opposite of this past weekend. Balance.
We shall see how that works out. :-)
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Inspiration
I believe that in my life I find different inspiration in different forms. This morning- I want to document a couple of my different inspirations.
Marriage-
My parents have been married for a lovely 44 years. First of all- that is a very long time considering that my generation is the first generation of kids when divorce became common. So very many of my friends parents split (some more than once) while we were kids and that is something that we never had to worry about. After being together for over 45 years- my parents are still crazy about each other. That is huge! They love one another and love us girls and were never afraid to show it. Growing up surrounded by that kind of love; seeing the sacrifices they make for one another and for us; it's a terrific lesson for us. If you aren't sure if successful marriage can be influenced by what you grow up with- consider the fact that we girls have been married from 15 to 24 years. We have all had our ups and downs but we have stuck with it. That's something to be proud of but I can say that (at least in my case) when the going gets rough- we think of Mom and Dad.
Joy-
As we get older, as we take on more responsibility, as we "grow up", I think we lose a bit of our joy. Think about this for a minute. Do you remember when you were a child and went to the park and hopped on the swing and pumped and pumped and pumped until you felt like you were flying? Do you remember the first day of the summer that you could go outside and turn the sprinklers on and run through them with abandon? How about laughing so hard that you couldn't catch your breath and then giggling about it all day? When was the last time you felt that way? I know that for me it was a long time. When I think about pure joy- I think about kids and dogs. Now- my "kid" is now an adult- and my neices and nephews live far, far away; but I have two "puppies" in my life. When I get home after a long day; when my key turns in the lock- they go into a frenzy. Auggie is jumping up and down wiggling around and so happy he nearly turns himself inside out. Harley brings me whatever toy (or shoe) is in between her and me and just wiggles till I take it and play with her. They radiate so much love and are so happy to see me that it is just infectious! No matter how bad the day as been- their pure joy at seeing me lifts me up and makes me want to be as happy as they are.
Kindness and Loyalty-
My sisters are two of the sweetest women you could ever meet. They are smart, they are funny, they are considerate and are far better than I at remembering important dates or tidbits. If they love or care about you the two of them stand beside you through thick and thin. They take the time and think of ways to lift you up (from a great distance I might add) when you are having a rough time and they don't hesitate to show you how proud they are of you. They inspire me to be a better person in my own life and relationships.
Physically-
When you have weight issues- it is a common practice to do Before and After pictures. In fact I need to take my "before " pics very soon , I just haven't had the time this week. It's also a fairly common practice to put in a prominant place (like your fridge) a photo of what you would LIKE to look like. These are mine:
Marriage-
My parents have been married for a lovely 44 years. First of all- that is a very long time considering that my generation is the first generation of kids when divorce became common. So very many of my friends parents split (some more than once) while we were kids and that is something that we never had to worry about. After being together for over 45 years- my parents are still crazy about each other. That is huge! They love one another and love us girls and were never afraid to show it. Growing up surrounded by that kind of love; seeing the sacrifices they make for one another and for us; it's a terrific lesson for us. If you aren't sure if successful marriage can be influenced by what you grow up with- consider the fact that we girls have been married from 15 to 24 years. We have all had our ups and downs but we have stuck with it. That's something to be proud of but I can say that (at least in my case) when the going gets rough- we think of Mom and Dad.
Joy-
As we get older, as we take on more responsibility, as we "grow up", I think we lose a bit of our joy. Think about this for a minute. Do you remember when you were a child and went to the park and hopped on the swing and pumped and pumped and pumped until you felt like you were flying? Do you remember the first day of the summer that you could go outside and turn the sprinklers on and run through them with abandon? How about laughing so hard that you couldn't catch your breath and then giggling about it all day? When was the last time you felt that way? I know that for me it was a long time. When I think about pure joy- I think about kids and dogs. Now- my "kid" is now an adult- and my neices and nephews live far, far away; but I have two "puppies" in my life. When I get home after a long day; when my key turns in the lock- they go into a frenzy. Auggie is jumping up and down wiggling around and so happy he nearly turns himself inside out. Harley brings me whatever toy (or shoe) is in between her and me and just wiggles till I take it and play with her. They radiate so much love and are so happy to see me that it is just infectious! No matter how bad the day as been- their pure joy at seeing me lifts me up and makes me want to be as happy as they are.
Kindness and Loyalty-
My sisters are two of the sweetest women you could ever meet. They are smart, they are funny, they are considerate and are far better than I at remembering important dates or tidbits. If they love or care about you the two of them stand beside you through thick and thin. They take the time and think of ways to lift you up (from a great distance I might add) when you are having a rough time and they don't hesitate to show you how proud they are of you. They inspire me to be a better person in my own life and relationships.
Physically-
When you have weight issues- it is a common practice to do Before and After pictures. In fact I need to take my "before " pics very soon , I just haven't had the time this week. It's also a fairly common practice to put in a prominant place (like your fridge) a photo of what you would LIKE to look like. These are mine:
What I like about these two ladies- Jennifer Aniston and Kate Beckinsale- is that both are honest enough to admit that they were not born into those bodies but that they take hard work to look that good!
They are also in my age range (Jennifer is two years younger than I am and Kate 5 years younger) and look FABULOUS. Now- will I ever REALLY look that fit and that beautiful? Not in my lifetime- but I can work toward it to the best of my ability.
So that is a few of the people who inspire me. I am grateful to have them to look toward when I am feeling low and find the strength to keep on keeping on.
Friday, April 9, 2010
A lot to be grateful for this Friday
Just a list today because if I were to talk about each of them- we would be here a week. So here is my top ten list of blessings this week:
1- My baby sister made it through her surgery with flying colors.
2- I have taken solid steps to get back on the path to personal health.
3- We are at our inventory point of our year at work and we are pretty well prepared.
4- This is going to be a long weekend but it will be so productive and go a big way in getting things settled.
5- I had a bit of an AHA moment this week- which is always a nice feeling.
6- The pups are getting used to their new "crating" situation and Auggie is doing well with *most* of his training.
7- The weather this week has been beautiful and we were able to enjoy it.
8- I was able to book baseball tickets this week for three games! We will so enjoy that.
9- I also was able to book a tour of Waverly Hills Sanatorium for Karyn and I when she comes to visit in August.
10- I have that visit to look forward to as well as both of my sisters visiting this summer.
1- My baby sister made it through her surgery with flying colors.
2- I have taken solid steps to get back on the path to personal health.
3- We are at our inventory point of our year at work and we are pretty well prepared.
4- This is going to be a long weekend but it will be so productive and go a big way in getting things settled.
5- I had a bit of an AHA moment this week- which is always a nice feeling.
6- The pups are getting used to their new "crating" situation and Auggie is doing well with *most* of his training.
7- The weather this week has been beautiful and we were able to enjoy it.
8- I was able to book baseball tickets this week for three games! We will so enjoy that.
9- I also was able to book a tour of Waverly Hills Sanatorium for Karyn and I when she comes to visit in August.
10- I have that visit to look forward to as well as both of my sisters visiting this summer.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The Downers
You know the ones- the Negative Nellies who are on your Facebook, Twitter or other Social Media tools who constantly post how horrible their lives are. They are always having a bad day; the weather is horrible/the weather is nice but they can't be out in it; they stubbed their toes/their pain is worse than anyone else; they hate their job/ they hate being unemployed; they are bored/they have too much to do blah, blah, blah.
As you know if you have read this blog before- I am on a quest to live a POSITIVE life- and these folks do not help further that path. The easy thing to do would be to simply "unfollow" them and on Twitter that is exactly what I do; but in my case- the folks that I am friends with on Facebook are people that I truely care about and it's not as easy.
My quandry is in how I handle them. For the most part- I can ignore them. I am pretty good at skipping over their depressing status updates and going on with my life. There are times that I feel the need to remind them that despite their moaning and groaning, they have it pretty good. A little "Pollyanna" post is the response of choice for those times. The whole "FML" phase is one that makes me crazy. Having friends who are in the middle of the war in Afghanistan and friends who are REALLY in a bad place physically and/or emotionally and then seeing "I got a ticket on the way to work today- FML" or "No one wants to go to the party tomorrow- FML" makes me beyond snarky. Those responses are generally sarcastic from me. Then there are the days that I am already having a tough time with positivity or they have flooded my wall with their griping and it serves to set me off. At that moment I just want to tell them to SHUT UP (or something a lot less nice) and then "delete" them but because I do care about them- I have to get up and walk away.
I have thought about this a lot recently and I think I need to come up with a better course of action for handling these situations. One thing I can do is to stop and take a moment to give thanks that I am not them. I can count my blessings and be grateful that I am able to be positive even in the face of true adversity. Beyond that- it may be time to re-evaluate whether or not I keep them in my sights. I may have to have a conversation via email or messenger and just let them know how much it bothers me and that though I care about them, I have to block their feeds for my own mental health.
I am open to any suggestions as to how you handle the "Downers" in your life and are able to not let it bother you. All I know is that if I am to keep moving forward, I need to address this in one way or the other.
As you know if you have read this blog before- I am on a quest to live a POSITIVE life- and these folks do not help further that path. The easy thing to do would be to simply "unfollow" them and on Twitter that is exactly what I do; but in my case- the folks that I am friends with on Facebook are people that I truely care about and it's not as easy.
My quandry is in how I handle them. For the most part- I can ignore them. I am pretty good at skipping over their depressing status updates and going on with my life. There are times that I feel the need to remind them that despite their moaning and groaning, they have it pretty good. A little "Pollyanna" post is the response of choice for those times. The whole "FML" phase is one that makes me crazy. Having friends who are in the middle of the war in Afghanistan and friends who are REALLY in a bad place physically and/or emotionally and then seeing "I got a ticket on the way to work today- FML" or "No one wants to go to the party tomorrow- FML" makes me beyond snarky. Those responses are generally sarcastic from me. Then there are the days that I am already having a tough time with positivity or they have flooded my wall with their griping and it serves to set me off. At that moment I just want to tell them to SHUT UP (or something a lot less nice) and then "delete" them but because I do care about them- I have to get up and walk away.
I have thought about this a lot recently and I think I need to come up with a better course of action for handling these situations. One thing I can do is to stop and take a moment to give thanks that I am not them. I can count my blessings and be grateful that I am able to be positive even in the face of true adversity. Beyond that- it may be time to re-evaluate whether or not I keep them in my sights. I may have to have a conversation via email or messenger and just let them know how much it bothers me and that though I care about them, I have to block their feeds for my own mental health.
I am open to any suggestions as to how you handle the "Downers" in your life and are able to not let it bother you. All I know is that if I am to keep moving forward, I need to address this in one way or the other.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Be good to yourself
Often, we get so caught up in our lives that we go through the motions without stopping and devoting any time to ourselves. I can think of a lot of fabulous women and men who are so busy taking care of their jobs, their families, their friends and their lives that they don't have time left over for themselves.
It can be hard to stop and do something nice for yourself- but we all need to do it. I remember a time in the not so distant past where I would give myself two hours a week to be pampered. On alternating weeks I would have a mani/pedi and the other week would be hair. Fast forward to today and it has been- I am ashamed to admit- 16 months since my last hair cut. I recently went to have a pedi because I could NOT bring myself to go to Florida without it. I realized while sitting in the chair that it has been since last summer that I had indulged in that as well. Time has obviously gotten away from me and I have been so busy with life in general that I let those things go. Are they essential in life- no, but I really enjoy them. When I am in the chair letting someone else take care of me I can fully relax and just enjoy the experience.
It may sound silly, but I find that when I do something like schedule some salon time, I feel better about myself. It's not even remotely about how I look when I come out- it's about taking the time to do something that is just for me. It's about telling myself that I deserve some pampering and that I am worth the time and attention that I am paying to myself. I feel the same way when I take a day and wander through a museum with a like-minded friend or go to an outdoor cafe and sit with my feet up, sipping a nice macchiato, watching people and writing down my impressions or reading a great book. It indulges that place inside me that has nothing to do with responsibilites and everything to do with pleasure. It feeds that peaceful, quiet place in my soul.
The question that begs to be asked is- if it is so "good" for me, why do I not indulge more often? The answer is simple. Like so many others, I fall into the trap of putting myself- or rather my indulgences last. I enjoy devoting my time to my husband, my pups, my family, my work and other responsibilites; I just let myself get caught up in everything else in the process. Don't get me wrong- I love my life, I just feel like something is missing- and that something is taking care of the part of my life that goes beyond my health.
In order to correct that I am giving myself April. The whole month I am going to make it a point to do things that I enjoy because I enjoy them. I am going to be as good to myself as I would a friend. I am going to schedule in "me" time the same way I would a meeting and make it as much a priority. I am going to do this because I AM worth it- and so are YOU! I hope that you will join me, even if for an hour, in giving yourself the gift of "you time" this month. You may find that it reminds you just how many blessings you have in your life and you will most assuredly be grateful that you did.
It can be hard to stop and do something nice for yourself- but we all need to do it. I remember a time in the not so distant past where I would give myself two hours a week to be pampered. On alternating weeks I would have a mani/pedi and the other week would be hair. Fast forward to today and it has been- I am ashamed to admit- 16 months since my last hair cut. I recently went to have a pedi because I could NOT bring myself to go to Florida without it. I realized while sitting in the chair that it has been since last summer that I had indulged in that as well. Time has obviously gotten away from me and I have been so busy with life in general that I let those things go. Are they essential in life- no, but I really enjoy them. When I am in the chair letting someone else take care of me I can fully relax and just enjoy the experience.
It may sound silly, but I find that when I do something like schedule some salon time, I feel better about myself. It's not even remotely about how I look when I come out- it's about taking the time to do something that is just for me. It's about telling myself that I deserve some pampering and that I am worth the time and attention that I am paying to myself. I feel the same way when I take a day and wander through a museum with a like-minded friend or go to an outdoor cafe and sit with my feet up, sipping a nice macchiato, watching people and writing down my impressions or reading a great book. It indulges that place inside me that has nothing to do with responsibilites and everything to do with pleasure. It feeds that peaceful, quiet place in my soul.
The question that begs to be asked is- if it is so "good" for me, why do I not indulge more often? The answer is simple. Like so many others, I fall into the trap of putting myself- or rather my indulgences last. I enjoy devoting my time to my husband, my pups, my family, my work and other responsibilites; I just let myself get caught up in everything else in the process. Don't get me wrong- I love my life, I just feel like something is missing- and that something is taking care of the part of my life that goes beyond my health.
In order to correct that I am giving myself April. The whole month I am going to make it a point to do things that I enjoy because I enjoy them. I am going to be as good to myself as I would a friend. I am going to schedule in "me" time the same way I would a meeting and make it as much a priority. I am going to do this because I AM worth it- and so are YOU! I hope that you will join me, even if for an hour, in giving yourself the gift of "you time" this month. You may find that it reminds you just how many blessings you have in your life and you will most assuredly be grateful that you did.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Taking control where you can- positively.
In just a few days, my baby sister is undergoing a gastric bypass. That is an enormous step for her. My sister- for the most part- treats her body holistically. Where I have a primary care physician and a rheumatologist who are my main sources of medical treatment- she has a chiropractor. Where I have several weekly drug regimines- she uses supplements to keep her healthy -and rarely even takes an asprin. While I have been fighting RA for four years now, she has battled hip problems since her time in the military which has made exercise difficult for both of us. One challenge that we share is our weight issue. That particular gift comes from our Mom's side.
Mom, unbeknownst to any of us, has lived with a clotting disorder for many years. When it was finally discovered it was traced through her medical problems all the way back to her first miscarriage in 1976. Probably around then her thyroid essentially stopped, causing a large weight gain over the years; in 1992 at 45 she had a heart attack (which is when they discovered her thyroid issue) and a resulting double bypass; a knee replacement and the development of diabetes in her 50's and at 59 she suffered a stroke. She is doing so well today. The only lasting sign of the stroke that is there is that when she is tired, she tends to lose her words- something I can completely relate to with my "RA Brain". It's actually kind of funny. When we are tired and are having a conversation it trails off as we both lose our train of thought and struggle to find the words. We often joke that someone coming upon us at those times would not be able to tell which of us had the stroke. Mom also lives with her weight issues. Through all of her medical struggles- she has been unable to solve that problem. Beginning when she was pregnant with me she began to gain weight and it never left her. Even when she had three under 5 and ran around like crazy after us she could not lose weight. She cooks healthy meals, she takes her medications but for her it will be a life long "thing" she lives with.
If you look at many of the women in her family- they look a lot like me. We are not tall- my baby sister tops us out at 5'6"; we are not slender- I am a size 16 and off the top of my head I can only think of our middle sister and my mom's older sister who are naturally smaller and I would bet they are both lowest double digits. Knowing this- neither the youngest or I aspire to be "skinny". We just want to be healthy in the part of our lives that we can control. We are closing in on 45 (I will be 43 in a couple of months- she will be 39 at the end of the year) and neither of us wants to face the scary things our Mom has triumphed through. For my sister, after a solid year of considering it and working very hard to lose weight naturally, that means a gastric bypass. For me- I bit the bullet the other day and rejoined Weight Watchers. We figured we had struggled together over the years and we could share this journey together as well.
Tomorrow is my first meeting in over 2 years. I am a little nervous because this is all on me. I can do this- I know I can. My first time through WW- I lost 25 lbs in just about 3 months and then started preparing to move to the midwest. This time I am in it for the long haul and will set my goal at 60 total. That should bring me down to a good, healthy weight. It is right in the middle of the suggested weight range for my height. The hard part for me is re-learning how to eat and having the patience to last it out. It's a slightly different program from the first time around so I have to relearn that as well. Fortunatly- I have the support of my husband, my sisters and the rest of my family. They just want us healthy and happy. So this is me- taking control of this part of my life. I may not be able to control my RA; I may not be able to control my Fibro; but I can control my weight- and this is my first step.
Mom, unbeknownst to any of us, has lived with a clotting disorder for many years. When it was finally discovered it was traced through her medical problems all the way back to her first miscarriage in 1976. Probably around then her thyroid essentially stopped, causing a large weight gain over the years; in 1992 at 45 she had a heart attack (which is when they discovered her thyroid issue) and a resulting double bypass; a knee replacement and the development of diabetes in her 50's and at 59 she suffered a stroke. She is doing so well today. The only lasting sign of the stroke that is there is that when she is tired, she tends to lose her words- something I can completely relate to with my "RA Brain". It's actually kind of funny. When we are tired and are having a conversation it trails off as we both lose our train of thought and struggle to find the words. We often joke that someone coming upon us at those times would not be able to tell which of us had the stroke. Mom also lives with her weight issues. Through all of her medical struggles- she has been unable to solve that problem. Beginning when she was pregnant with me she began to gain weight and it never left her. Even when she had three under 5 and ran around like crazy after us she could not lose weight. She cooks healthy meals, she takes her medications but for her it will be a life long "thing" she lives with.
If you look at many of the women in her family- they look a lot like me. We are not tall- my baby sister tops us out at 5'6"; we are not slender- I am a size 16 and off the top of my head I can only think of our middle sister and my mom's older sister who are naturally smaller and I would bet they are both lowest double digits. Knowing this- neither the youngest or I aspire to be "skinny". We just want to be healthy in the part of our lives that we can control. We are closing in on 45 (I will be 43 in a couple of months- she will be 39 at the end of the year) and neither of us wants to face the scary things our Mom has triumphed through. For my sister, after a solid year of considering it and working very hard to lose weight naturally, that means a gastric bypass. For me- I bit the bullet the other day and rejoined Weight Watchers. We figured we had struggled together over the years and we could share this journey together as well.
Tomorrow is my first meeting in over 2 years. I am a little nervous because this is all on me. I can do this- I know I can. My first time through WW- I lost 25 lbs in just about 3 months and then started preparing to move to the midwest. This time I am in it for the long haul and will set my goal at 60 total. That should bring me down to a good, healthy weight. It is right in the middle of the suggested weight range for my height. The hard part for me is re-learning how to eat and having the patience to last it out. It's a slightly different program from the first time around so I have to relearn that as well. Fortunatly- I have the support of my husband, my sisters and the rest of my family. They just want us healthy and happy. So this is me- taking control of this part of my life. I may not be able to control my RA; I may not be able to control my Fibro; but I can control my weight- and this is my first step.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Happy Friday!
It is a beautiful morning here in Kentuckiana. Sixty one degrees before the sun has even come up and heading toward 80 once it rises. There is a gentle breeze coming in the back door and the puppies are behind me in their beds just snoozing. They have no idea that I (known today as EVIL MOMMY) am taking them to the vet for their check-up and shots in a few hours. They won't be happy with that but as soon as we get done the three of us are piling back in the car and heading to my see my parents for the Easter weekend. My honey has to work today and tomorrow so he will join us when he gets out of work.
I am facing a fear this weekend. My father has asked me to serve as liturgist for one of the churches on Sunday morning. Public speaking is not my forte. My hands get clammy, my face flushes and I tend to speak too quickly. I am going to have to slow down, take a deep breath and try to remember to talk SLOWLY. It's funny because years ago (like 29ish?) I was cast as one of the leads in Arsenic and Old Lace and I LOVED it. I loved the performances, the rehersals, the whole process. I didn't mind being up on stage- because I wasn't being me and I knew how it would go. On the other side of that coin put me in a room where I have to give a presentation and I quake. But I will do it- because my dad asked. It's a small church- though it tends to swell on the holidays- and it will be over in an hour. More- dad knows me well enough that he sent me an email with the material and his blessing to take my travel cup of coffee up to the lecturn with me. It's like a security blanket even if it's empty. I will use this as practice for the presentations I need to give at work in short order. Can you tell I am psyching myself up- or is it out? :-)
Either way- I hope you all have a joyous Easter weekend.
I am facing a fear this weekend. My father has asked me to serve as liturgist for one of the churches on Sunday morning. Public speaking is not my forte. My hands get clammy, my face flushes and I tend to speak too quickly. I am going to have to slow down, take a deep breath and try to remember to talk SLOWLY. It's funny because years ago (like 29ish?) I was cast as one of the leads in Arsenic and Old Lace and I LOVED it. I loved the performances, the rehersals, the whole process. I didn't mind being up on stage- because I wasn't being me and I knew how it would go. On the other side of that coin put me in a room where I have to give a presentation and I quake. But I will do it- because my dad asked. It's a small church- though it tends to swell on the holidays- and it will be over in an hour. More- dad knows me well enough that he sent me an email with the material and his blessing to take my travel cup of coffee up to the lecturn with me. It's like a security blanket even if it's empty. I will use this as practice for the presentations I need to give at work in short order. Can you tell I am psyching myself up- or is it out? :-)
Either way- I hope you all have a joyous Easter weekend.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Welcome April!
If today is any indication- it is going to be a beautiful spring. At 6:30am it was already 60 degrees according to my weather channel "bug" on my PC. It is supposed to hit 80 today and tomorrow. Outside my building and all across campus the daffodils have raised their lovely faces to the sky.
Many (MANY) years ago- in about 7th or 8th grade, I was required to memorize and recite "Daffodils" by William Wordsworth for my English class. Do they still do that any more? I dont' recall my son even studying Wordsworth- but I have never forgotten that I did. Anyway- each and every time I walk onto campus in the spring, I am reminded of this poem and I feel it's appropriate for this sunny April 1st.
"Daffodils" (1804)
I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
By William Wordsworth (1770-1850).
Happy April- I hope that Spring has sprung in your neck of the woods as well.
Many (MANY) years ago- in about 7th or 8th grade, I was required to memorize and recite "Daffodils" by William Wordsworth for my English class. Do they still do that any more? I dont' recall my son even studying Wordsworth- but I have never forgotten that I did. Anyway- each and every time I walk onto campus in the spring, I am reminded of this poem and I feel it's appropriate for this sunny April 1st.
"Daffodils" (1804)
I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
By William Wordsworth (1770-1850).
Happy April- I hope that Spring has sprung in your neck of the woods as well.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
We have a good time and we pay for it?
A big resounding YES to that question. Now- I know that most people do too in some form or another (remember Hangovers?) but for those of us with chronic pain, our "payment is entirely different.
Last week I had a wonderful time. I went to our annual company manager's meeting in Orlando. I got to spend time with the other managers in my region (the BEST region full of folks in the company TYVM) and network with the terrific folks that I went to "new manager's training" with a couple of years ago and their friends. I ate terrific food- they feed us like every meal is our last- and enjoyed the entertainment. I saw all of my regular vendors and checked out a LOT of neat products. I even ordered a few.
Then came the payment side. I was in the air probably 30 minutes on the way there and some of my joints started literally screaming at me. I will assume that was related to the cabin pressure. I enjoyed my flight but I have never been so glad to be off of a plane. By the time we landed and got our luggage the pain had subsided so I was good to go. The next few days were fine except that I was beyond exhausted. They kept us going from 7:30 am till 10 pm and beyond every night. That's pretty late for me to be go,go,going. It would take until midnight or so to decompress and get to sleep and being that it was late and I had to get up early I didn't sleep well. There was also a lot of walking involved. Walking from the hotel end to the conference end of the resort, walking from one area to the other. Walking the trade show floor. By Thursday after lunch, my feet had had enough. The swelled up so much I couldn't even think about wearing shoes any longer. I had to run (ha!) to the gift shop and pick up flip-flops and just pray that there wouldn't be any consequenses professionally. Fortunately- there was only one class left and then our very casual end-of-meeting party to attend. My dad sent me a message via facebook to use the hot tub to soak my feet- and I jumped on that until the lightening got so bad that it was almost daylight when it flashed. I also gave thanks that I had thought to pack my spa socks because they were a godsend in the airport and on the plane home. When I got home- I was exhausted. The trek to the far side of the parking lot had me using my "smartcart" for support. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day re-charging. I didn't change out of my pajamas until 5pm when I woke up from my nap. I finished the day with some power-shopping for stuff we needed for the house and then let PF Chang's cook my dinner. It is now 10:53 and I haven't even changed out of my jammies yet and only plan to throw on some sweats to go to the grocery store.
Today I am back to my routine and reflecting on my last week. Was the experience worth the pain- absolutely, 100%, no questions asked. The only question is- what will I do differently next year? Well- it's time to talk to my doctor about a cane and a handicap placard for when I go on trips. I think I will have to pick up some new "stylish" crocs and shoes this year so that I can have the comfort and still look somewhat professional. I will bring shorts and *maybe* even my bathing suit so I can spend time each evening soaking in the hot tub. I am also going to plan on bringing my backpack on rollers instead of my laptop case so that I can use that to carry all of the samples and things they give us- because lugging that stuff gets heavy really quickly. More importantly- I am putting it all on paper now so that when I go to pack for next year- I don't forget!
Tomorrow it is back to work for me- and back to my normal routine. I hope everyone has a lovely palm Sunday and is busy making plans for a terrific Easter next week!
Last week I had a wonderful time. I went to our annual company manager's meeting in Orlando. I got to spend time with the other managers in my region (the BEST region full of folks in the company TYVM) and network with the terrific folks that I went to "new manager's training" with a couple of years ago and their friends. I ate terrific food- they feed us like every meal is our last- and enjoyed the entertainment. I saw all of my regular vendors and checked out a LOT of neat products. I even ordered a few.
Then came the payment side. I was in the air probably 30 minutes on the way there and some of my joints started literally screaming at me. I will assume that was related to the cabin pressure. I enjoyed my flight but I have never been so glad to be off of a plane. By the time we landed and got our luggage the pain had subsided so I was good to go. The next few days were fine except that I was beyond exhausted. They kept us going from 7:30 am till 10 pm and beyond every night. That's pretty late for me to be go,go,going. It would take until midnight or so to decompress and get to sleep and being that it was late and I had to get up early I didn't sleep well. There was also a lot of walking involved. Walking from the hotel end to the conference end of the resort, walking from one area to the other. Walking the trade show floor. By Thursday after lunch, my feet had had enough. The swelled up so much I couldn't even think about wearing shoes any longer. I had to run (ha!) to the gift shop and pick up flip-flops and just pray that there wouldn't be any consequenses professionally. Fortunately- there was only one class left and then our very casual end-of-meeting party to attend. My dad sent me a message via facebook to use the hot tub to soak my feet- and I jumped on that until the lightening got so bad that it was almost daylight when it flashed. I also gave thanks that I had thought to pack my spa socks because they were a godsend in the airport and on the plane home. When I got home- I was exhausted. The trek to the far side of the parking lot had me using my "smartcart" for support. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day re-charging. I didn't change out of my pajamas until 5pm when I woke up from my nap. I finished the day with some power-shopping for stuff we needed for the house and then let PF Chang's cook my dinner. It is now 10:53 and I haven't even changed out of my jammies yet and only plan to throw on some sweats to go to the grocery store.
Today I am back to my routine and reflecting on my last week. Was the experience worth the pain- absolutely, 100%, no questions asked. The only question is- what will I do differently next year? Well- it's time to talk to my doctor about a cane and a handicap placard for when I go on trips. I think I will have to pick up some new "stylish" crocs and shoes this year so that I can have the comfort and still look somewhat professional. I will bring shorts and *maybe* even my bathing suit so I can spend time each evening soaking in the hot tub. I am also going to plan on bringing my backpack on rollers instead of my laptop case so that I can use that to carry all of the samples and things they give us- because lugging that stuff gets heavy really quickly. More importantly- I am putting it all on paper now so that when I go to pack for next year- I don't forget!
Tomorrow it is back to work for me- and back to my normal routine. I hope everyone has a lovely palm Sunday and is busy making plans for a terrific Easter next week!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
It's been a terrific week
Wow- what a week it has been. I was given a promotion- which is wonderful news! Part of that promotion means that next week I head to Orlando for an annual manager's meeting. I love that trip. Last time I went I met wonderful people and I learned so much! Even though I don't have a lot of time to prepare-and will miss my honey and my puppies- I am really looking forward to it.
I met the gastroenterologist who did a thorough exam. She told me she was not pulling me off the MTX until she sees what is going on and sent me for blood tests. Eight vials later and I think they tested me for everything but a DNA match to the Lindberg mystery. The next morning I had to go back to the hospital for an ultrasound. I wish I could tell what those pictures meant but they really are just a blob to me. When I get back I am sure I will have test results but - now for the glimmer of hope- they called me while I was in for the ultrasound and told me to stop taking my Flexeril immediately. It seems that it can cause the elevation in liver enzymes that I have been experiencing! While my Fibromyalgia is a pain (literally) I can live without that medication. If it is the solution that will allow me to stay on methotrexate- I will gladly give it up.
If the ultrasound comes back clear- which she suspects it will- the next step will be a biopsy of the liver. They will take a couple of small samples to see if it is just "injured" or if it has progressed to diseased. The doctor feels we are just dealing with an injury.
Besides my wonderful promotion- and my trip to Florida- what I am thankful for is that I have two wonderful specialists who are conservative in their treatment of me and my disease(s). More- I am thankful for the outpouring of support I have received from my friends and family for the medical issues. But the thing I am most thankful for this week- is the number of people who believe in me (even when I am feeling insecure) and who were genuinely happy for my promotion. Colleagues, friends and family who were proud of me and who have faith that I can do this job. That gives me the inner strength that I need to tackle this all at once.
I met the gastroenterologist who did a thorough exam. She told me she was not pulling me off the MTX until she sees what is going on and sent me for blood tests. Eight vials later and I think they tested me for everything but a DNA match to the Lindberg mystery. The next morning I had to go back to the hospital for an ultrasound. I wish I could tell what those pictures meant but they really are just a blob to me. When I get back I am sure I will have test results but - now for the glimmer of hope- they called me while I was in for the ultrasound and told me to stop taking my Flexeril immediately. It seems that it can cause the elevation in liver enzymes that I have been experiencing! While my Fibromyalgia is a pain (literally) I can live without that medication. If it is the solution that will allow me to stay on methotrexate- I will gladly give it up.
If the ultrasound comes back clear- which she suspects it will- the next step will be a biopsy of the liver. They will take a couple of small samples to see if it is just "injured" or if it has progressed to diseased. The doctor feels we are just dealing with an injury.
Besides my wonderful promotion- and my trip to Florida- what I am thankful for is that I have two wonderful specialists who are conservative in their treatment of me and my disease(s). More- I am thankful for the outpouring of support I have received from my friends and family for the medical issues. But the thing I am most thankful for this week- is the number of people who believe in me (even when I am feeling insecure) and who were genuinely happy for my promotion. Colleagues, friends and family who were proud of me and who have faith that I can do this job. That gives me the inner strength that I need to tackle this all at once.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
When Life Throws You a Curve Ball.
I spent last night having a personal pity party. We have been watching my liver enzyme levels for the past several months. A normal reading is AST 5-40 and ALT 7-56. Mine have been fluctuating between 56 and 122 for both. At my appointment in February, my doc and I agreed that we would lower my MTX slightly and see if that did the trick. Evidently- it did not as my results are back from last week's blood tests (I love my doc's three day turn around time) and my numbers are at 205 and 174. Never, ever let it be said that when I do something I don't do it with gusto. :-s
Though I should have seen it coming- I was very hopeful that by lowering my MTX- we would head things off. I do not want to give up my Methotrexate. I have said that a thousand times- to my doc, to family members, to myself. I know that everyone has different reactions to meds- but for me Methotrexate has been my savior. Over the last two years I have gotten to the point that I feel better than I did before my diagnosis. I started on the feeling better path right after we put me on MTX and just got better and better as we upped my dose. It was only after I had been on it almost a year that we added Enbrel to the mix. When I started having my liver issues I offered to go off every other drug in my regimen if it meant keeping the MTX. That didn't fly with my doc.
So now- I am headed to a Gastroenterologist. My doc actually scheduled my consult with the GI doc for next week. I have been pretty much guaranteed that she will pull me off my MTX immediately. That scares me because pre-mtx I was just about at the point of needing a cane. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go back to taking hours to be able to get dressed in the morning. I don't want to go back to having to time walking the dogs so that the pain is not too bad yet. And there I go whining again.
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In the hour and a half or so since I began this post, I found out that one of my online friends lost her 1 year old daughter last night. It rather makes my whining above seem pretty foolish. My heart just breaks for her. It puts things in perspective very quickly.
For me that means that I am going to spend the next week- while I wait for my doctor's appointment- giving thanks for every single thing- big and small- in my life. I am going to hold my loved ones closer. I am going to take things in stride because really- the alternative is a choice I don't want to take.
Though I should have seen it coming- I was very hopeful that by lowering my MTX- we would head things off. I do not want to give up my Methotrexate. I have said that a thousand times- to my doc, to family members, to myself. I know that everyone has different reactions to meds- but for me Methotrexate has been my savior. Over the last two years I have gotten to the point that I feel better than I did before my diagnosis. I started on the feeling better path right after we put me on MTX and just got better and better as we upped my dose. It was only after I had been on it almost a year that we added Enbrel to the mix. When I started having my liver issues I offered to go off every other drug in my regimen if it meant keeping the MTX. That didn't fly with my doc.
So now- I am headed to a Gastroenterologist. My doc actually scheduled my consult with the GI doc for next week. I have been pretty much guaranteed that she will pull me off my MTX immediately. That scares me because pre-mtx I was just about at the point of needing a cane. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go back to taking hours to be able to get dressed in the morning. I don't want to go back to having to time walking the dogs so that the pain is not too bad yet. And there I go whining again.
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In the hour and a half or so since I began this post, I found out that one of my online friends lost her 1 year old daughter last night. It rather makes my whining above seem pretty foolish. My heart just breaks for her. It puts things in perspective very quickly.
For me that means that I am going to spend the next week- while I wait for my doctor's appointment- giving thanks for every single thing- big and small- in my life. I am going to hold my loved ones closer. I am going to take things in stride because really- the alternative is a choice I don't want to take.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Today's Aha Moment
I Had the most wonderful day with my honey and my puppies today. The weather was just beautiful weather. It was in the 50's and sunny out- very much the peek of spring that has been missing in our lives. When Jim got out of work we took a mini-road trip back to Madison. When he called to tell me he wanted to go up there and get burgers- I just rolled my eyes and changed my clothes. We really enjoy our rides together and it is not unusual for us to drive for good food. In this case it is only amusing because we drove an hour each way for a meal of White Castle sized burgers and fries- but much better quality. It was all of a $15.00 meal- including tip.
We came back home, we took a nap and then when we got up we ran to the store and phamacy and then got the dogs in the truck and took them to walk along the river. When there aren't a lot of people around there we can let Harley off her leash and let her run. This time we let the dogs run- and I ran a little with them. Just a little- but more than I could have a year ago. As an overweight smoker I always joked that the only way you would get me to run was if someone was chasing me- and today I got those legs moving. And now I am having a really yummy salad for dinner then watching Survivor with Jim.
It was as we lay down to sleep this afternoon for our usual "family nap" that I had my Aha Moment. I was on one side of the bed, Jim on the other with our hands touching and Auggie was laying with his head on my leg. Harley started out near Jim but moved over to snuggle against my other leg. It was a very sweet moment and as she settled in, a sense of peace stole over me. I looked down (up?) at them; smiled and thought "Yes! This is my life and it is just how it should be." That was my last thought as I drifted off into the best sleep I have had in weeks. Two hours later I stirred and stretched and the puppies stirred and stretched with me and then came jumping over to give me kisses before I helped my little old lady Harley down off the bed.
I am so thankful for the day we have had together. It was completely spontaneous, it was not something remarkable, but it was the kind of day that if you have that moment as I did, you realize that you are so truly blessed and none of the "bad stuff", none of the stress, none of your worries- can take that away. It also sends me to bed tonight open to another day just like it tomorrow.
We came back home, we took a nap and then when we got up we ran to the store and phamacy and then got the dogs in the truck and took them to walk along the river. When there aren't a lot of people around there we can let Harley off her leash and let her run. This time we let the dogs run- and I ran a little with them. Just a little- but more than I could have a year ago. As an overweight smoker I always joked that the only way you would get me to run was if someone was chasing me- and today I got those legs moving. And now I am having a really yummy salad for dinner then watching Survivor with Jim.
It was as we lay down to sleep this afternoon for our usual "family nap" that I had my Aha Moment. I was on one side of the bed, Jim on the other with our hands touching and Auggie was laying with his head on my leg. Harley started out near Jim but moved over to snuggle against my other leg. It was a very sweet moment and as she settled in, a sense of peace stole over me. I looked down (up?) at them; smiled and thought "Yes! This is my life and it is just how it should be." That was my last thought as I drifted off into the best sleep I have had in weeks. Two hours later I stirred and stretched and the puppies stirred and stretched with me and then came jumping over to give me kisses before I helped my little old lady Harley down off the bed.
I am so thankful for the day we have had together. It was completely spontaneous, it was not something remarkable, but it was the kind of day that if you have that moment as I did, you realize that you are so truly blessed and none of the "bad stuff", none of the stress, none of your worries- can take that away. It also sends me to bed tonight open to another day just like it tomorrow.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Working for the weekend
Ahhhhh, it's Friday! It has been a very long week of budgeting but that is both done and has been accepted- high five to us for getting it done on the first try AND for getting it submitted early enough that we don't have to drive to Dayton on Tuesday. Today I have three very important meetings. We have our usual staff meeting at 8:00, I address the faculty of the Business School at 10 and we meet with our "client" at 2. After that is over, once I make notes, I am RUNNING for my car as I am more than ready for this weekend to start.
I have nothing exciting planned- I am not doing anything more strenuous than working on my Vision Board and doing some journaling- but I am just so thankful to have two days to just relax and get myself centered again. As that has been difficult of late- I look forward to letting the tension drain from my body and just sitting in the quiet with some light music until the peace takes over.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
I have nothing exciting planned- I am not doing anything more strenuous than working on my Vision Board and doing some journaling- but I am just so thankful to have two days to just relax and get myself centered again. As that has been difficult of late- I look forward to letting the tension drain from my body and just sitting in the quiet with some light music until the peace takes over.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Accidentally finding the silver lining.
I have been having a very difficult time lately. At the moment, my relationship with my son is strained because of a very big disagreement that rather blew up on us. The stress of that, along with work stress and worries about my health gave me the build-up that I needed to take me off the "vaping" path and back to smoking for a couple of days. I was past a week- almost at 2 when I "lost it". So I have been beating myself up on top of everything else.
I was talking to a friend last night who suggested I talk to another mutual friend who was having issues with his daughter. Just that suggestion was the kick in the pants that I needed. I thought about our mutual friend and the terribly difficult road that he has had with his daughter for the last several years. Comparatively speaking- it makes my troubles with my son seem insignificant. It's the situation where, should I whine and cry to him- he would rightfully say- "Oh I only WISH that were the extent of my problems". And yet- when I was in the midst of it all- It seemed enormous.
So I am taking a step back. I am looking at the good beside the bad. It's very easy to forget the good when you are filled with anger and hurt so by acknowledging the good things- I am opening my heart to let the anger and hurt go. It won't all happen at once. I know that. It may even be several days before I am ready to consider contacting him- but this space and time will be good for perspective- and I think I need some of that.
All I know is that glimpse of the good parts last night allowed me to go back to bed and when I got up this morning- I had a new feeling of resolve. I withstood the urge for a cigarette, I researched some things to help with some of my work issues, I concentrated on the serenity prayer for a good long time. Now my heart is a little lighter and I can look forward to the weekend. For that- I am grateful.
I was talking to a friend last night who suggested I talk to another mutual friend who was having issues with his daughter. Just that suggestion was the kick in the pants that I needed. I thought about our mutual friend and the terribly difficult road that he has had with his daughter for the last several years. Comparatively speaking- it makes my troubles with my son seem insignificant. It's the situation where, should I whine and cry to him- he would rightfully say- "Oh I only WISH that were the extent of my problems". And yet- when I was in the midst of it all- It seemed enormous.
So I am taking a step back. I am looking at the good beside the bad. It's very easy to forget the good when you are filled with anger and hurt so by acknowledging the good things- I am opening my heart to let the anger and hurt go. It won't all happen at once. I know that. It may even be several days before I am ready to consider contacting him- but this space and time will be good for perspective- and I think I need some of that.
All I know is that glimpse of the good parts last night allowed me to go back to bed and when I got up this morning- I had a new feeling of resolve. I withstood the urge for a cigarette, I researched some things to help with some of my work issues, I concentrated on the serenity prayer for a good long time. Now my heart is a little lighter and I can look forward to the weekend. For that- I am grateful.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Gratitude in Loss
My great aunt passed away this weekend. She was 82 years old. She was a very interesting lady. In addition to owning her own insurance company in Chicago until her death (she returned to our hometown in 2001) she also spent a lot of time as a missionary. Because she was always away, because we were a military family and because we lost my grandfather (her brother) back in 1975- we didn't get to spend a lot of time with her but until her own death- my grandmother kept us up on what my aunt was doing with her travels and it was always something pretty neat. What is interesting is that she lived a very full life- and she did it with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
We kids always knew she had arthritis. We knew that she had multiple joint replacements (all of her knuckles for crying out loud- amongst others!) and that she had the visual signs of arthritis. She never complained, she never made a big deal about it- it just was. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with RA myself that I was told that she also lived with the disease. I think it was mentioned because she is the only family member that has it and she is an "outer branch" on the tree- not a direct relative so that ties us in a little closer. I think we never heard about it prior to my diagnosis because she lived her life as if it were a fact of life. She was not a victim to her disease- it was just a part of who she is. I never thought about it until this weekend- but that must be where I get my own take on it from.
In the end- she was very ill and in a lot of pain. She chose her time to go by stopping eating on her own volition. She had chosen no extraordinary measures and my mom's sister was at the hospital Friday night to see her and sign the paperwork to call in hospice. Saturday morning, the hospice worker (who is a friend of the family) was there doing her evaluation when my aunt passed. I am grateful that she went peacefully and gracefully- the same way she lived her life. I am grateful that she is no longer in pain. She has requested that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the Arthritis Foundation. For my part- when I walk the Arthritis Walk in May in our hometown- I will be walking in her memory as well as for my own awareness efforts. It is the very least I can do.
We kids always knew she had arthritis. We knew that she had multiple joint replacements (all of her knuckles for crying out loud- amongst others!) and that she had the visual signs of arthritis. She never complained, she never made a big deal about it- it just was. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with RA myself that I was told that she also lived with the disease. I think it was mentioned because she is the only family member that has it and she is an "outer branch" on the tree- not a direct relative so that ties us in a little closer. I think we never heard about it prior to my diagnosis because she lived her life as if it were a fact of life. She was not a victim to her disease- it was just a part of who she is. I never thought about it until this weekend- but that must be where I get my own take on it from.
In the end- she was very ill and in a lot of pain. She chose her time to go by stopping eating on her own volition. She had chosen no extraordinary measures and my mom's sister was at the hospital Friday night to see her and sign the paperwork to call in hospice. Saturday morning, the hospice worker (who is a friend of the family) was there doing her evaluation when my aunt passed. I am grateful that she went peacefully and gracefully- the same way she lived her life. I am grateful that she is no longer in pain. She has requested that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the Arthritis Foundation. For my part- when I walk the Arthritis Walk in May in our hometown- I will be walking in her memory as well as for my own awareness efforts. It is the very least I can do.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Breeding Negativity?
Not me- because that would be completely counterproductive- but some of the people around me. I have a few people who are very dear to me who are so constantly negative that I often just want to shake them. It is funny because I usually have one of two extreme reactions (depending on my mood) when I spend any time talking to them. The first reaction is that I overdose on positivity. I basically end up arguing them into admitting their life REALLY doesn't suck as much as they like to portray. The other is that I listen, I apologize, I commisserate and I get off of the phone/IM/Skype as fast as humanly possible because inside I am getting so aggravated that I might say something that is not particularly nice. It is exhausting to be around someone who is always negative. It is draining. Quite honestly- having worked so hard to banish that from my life- it makes me blatently ANGRY.
I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them hard and yell that all of their negativity just invites more negativity into their lives. I want to tell them:
I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them hard and yell that all of their negativity just invites more negativity into their lives. I want to tell them:
- It is tiring to always hear about how awful you have it, how everything bad happens to you and how nothing is every right. It is also demoralizing to see that you are not taking responsibility for the situations that you have created and are not working to change them.
- When you constantly talk about how everything bad always happens to you- you diminish all the good things that happen to you.
- When you always focus on the pain you are in, be it physical, mental or emotional, you will not see that you have good days as well as bad and you will not feel the relief.
- When you talk about how people suck, people are mean, people are stupid- you discount all of the GOOD people in your life- and guess what? That hurts.
- When you concentrate on everything that is bad in your life, when you fail to acknowledge all of your blessings- you make it seem as if none of those blessings are as important as your woes.
- When you ALWAYS see what is WRONG in your life- it is a self fulfilling prophecy. You. Will. Always. See. The. Bad. Things. In. Your. Life. You need to STOP- look UP- and look for and embrace the people and things that are right, and good, and happy in your life. If you do-you will invite MORE good, and right and happy things into your life. And you deserve that. We all deserve that.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Torn
Torn- that's how I am feeling this morning. My work schedule is *supposed* to be from 10-7 today. Yet here I am, sitting at my computer, just typed a to do list and ready to send it to my work email address, thinking that I really should go in because there is a lot that I need to do. I have a feeling that I will end up going in at the normal time because we are in a tough place at work right now.
My boss is effectively stepping down on Friday. She has been out sick for several months and is physically unable to return. We have been trying very hard to keep the store running on an even keel while she has been out but it hasn't been the same because we (my co-assistant manager and I) have very different management styles than our boss. Our boss is very much about fostering a family feeling- sometimes to the detriment of the work. I am all about getting the job done first and if we enjoy one another in the process it is a bonus- which means that at times I lose sight of the people. My co-assistant is somewhere in the middle. The good thing is that my co-assistant and I even one another out. Things that make me crazy don't make her nuts. Things that make her nuts- don't make me crazy at all. That is what has made us be able to work so well together over the last two years.
Now, until we know what will happen in terms of a new manager, we keep forging ahead. We have sat with our full timers and talked through performance reviews. It is always interesting to see how someone sees their own performance. What was very interesting was that when we asked three simple questions: 1- what did you do exceptionally well this year, 2- what areas do you need to improve and 3- what goals should we set for the coming year- every single one of us (our reviews are now too and we had to write one anothers) went for the second went for the second question first. Very telling- and very interesting. Next is our budgeting process. I am supposed to have a four day weekend but I will probably work on payroll budgeting for at least part of it.
What I need to do is keep my eyes on the goals and not sweat the small stuff. If I can do that- I will be able to let some of this tension and stress go and just get the job done. Considering that I haven't slept well in several weeks- that would be something to be incredibly grateful for.
My boss is effectively stepping down on Friday. She has been out sick for several months and is physically unable to return. We have been trying very hard to keep the store running on an even keel while she has been out but it hasn't been the same because we (my co-assistant manager and I) have very different management styles than our boss. Our boss is very much about fostering a family feeling- sometimes to the detriment of the work. I am all about getting the job done first and if we enjoy one another in the process it is a bonus- which means that at times I lose sight of the people. My co-assistant is somewhere in the middle. The good thing is that my co-assistant and I even one another out. Things that make me crazy don't make her nuts. Things that make her nuts- don't make me crazy at all. That is what has made us be able to work so well together over the last two years.
Now, until we know what will happen in terms of a new manager, we keep forging ahead. We have sat with our full timers and talked through performance reviews. It is always interesting to see how someone sees their own performance. What was very interesting was that when we asked three simple questions: 1- what did you do exceptionally well this year, 2- what areas do you need to improve and 3- what goals should we set for the coming year- every single one of us (our reviews are now too and we had to write one anothers) went for the second went for the second question first. Very telling- and very interesting. Next is our budgeting process. I am supposed to have a four day weekend but I will probably work on payroll budgeting for at least part of it.
What I need to do is keep my eyes on the goals and not sweat the small stuff. If I can do that- I will be able to let some of this tension and stress go and just get the job done. Considering that I haven't slept well in several weeks- that would be something to be incredibly grateful for.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Defying the odds
Today is my 24th wedding anniversary. That in itself is a bit if a miracle. Jim and I were married when we were 20 and 18 respectively. Sadly- there is only one couple that we know of in our group of friends from that era that was married within 5 years of us that is still married. I can understand it. I mean- at 18 and 20 we *thought* we knew everything but boy were we so very wrong.
We both realize how incredibly fortunate we are that after all of these years we still genuinely like one another. It has not been an easy road by any stretch of the imagination but we have worked- really hard- at making it work for us. We have learned so much about and from one another- and we still discover new things all of the time. We have shared much joy and much pain. We have worked through the "growing pains" and our fundamental differences. We have learned to compromise by discovering what we can- and can't live with. We still have things that make us absolutely nuts- and things that completely endear us to one another- but we know that we are in this for the long haul so we find a balance. We play to our strengths and shore up one another's weaknesses.
I am so grateful to have reached this point - and I look forward to the next 24 years. I am also eternally grateful for the example set by my parents- who will celebrate their 44th anniversary at the end of the week.
We both realize how incredibly fortunate we are that after all of these years we still genuinely like one another. It has not been an easy road by any stretch of the imagination but we have worked- really hard- at making it work for us. We have learned so much about and from one another- and we still discover new things all of the time. We have shared much joy and much pain. We have worked through the "growing pains" and our fundamental differences. We have learned to compromise by discovering what we can- and can't live with. We still have things that make us absolutely nuts- and things that completely endear us to one another- but we know that we are in this for the long haul so we find a balance. We play to our strengths and shore up one another's weaknesses.
I am so grateful to have reached this point - and I look forward to the next 24 years. I am also eternally grateful for the example set by my parents- who will celebrate their 44th anniversary at the end of the week.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The road less traveled
“You’ve got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you’re not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.”I got this quote in my inbox on Friday. As I read it, I just smiled because it is so simple, yet makes so much sense. How many times have we stayed on the same path for far longer than is good for us because it is easier than making a change? I know I have- far too often.
― Steven D. Woodhull
A prime example is getting out of Massachusetts. For many, many years my Grandmother (rest her soul) and my parents advised me to get out of there. They offered us a place to stay in Indiana so we could make a life for ourselves out here. For those same years- we had a million "reasons" (read-excuses) why we should stay there but what it boiled down to was that it was the life we knew. Even though Massachusetts has an incredibly high cost of living, even though we struggled month to month- it was easier than picking up and changing our lives completely. Of course- now we know by having made that move coming up on three years ago- it was the best thing we could have done.
We also know that had we listened to our loved ones years ago- Josh would not be facing the exact same conundrum right this minute. Josh is having a tough time of it up there. We have offered him a home, my parents have offered him a home, my sisters have offered him a home- all in different places across the country- all with the possibility of a fresh start. He, like his parents before him, is trying his hardest to make it work where he is comfortable. What he doesn't realize is that all of us understand how hard it is to make that change and we only want to hold open the door to possibilities for him. It is up to him to walk through that door.
Choosing to take the road less traveled is just that- stepping through a door and opening up a world of possibilities. It's a chance to re-invent yourself and to (as Oprah is wont to say) "Live your best life". It's literally a chance to have a mulligan or a "do over". You can go someplace were very few (or no) people know you. They don't know your history, they don't know your mistakes, they only know what they see of your words and actions from this day forward. Sounds good doesn't it? No matter how good it sounds it can very, very hard to make that first step. It means physically walking away from what you consider "home". Even though there are email, IM, phones, it means "leaving" your friends. It means leaving your comfort zone. Stepping out of that comfort zone can be very SCARY- but if you take that leap it can be equally gratifying.
In going back to the quote at the beginning of this blog- I cannot be grateful enough that we did exactly what Mr. Woodhull advises and made another choice. Having taken that chance, having stepped out of our comfort zone, having opened ourselves up to the possibilities has given us more blessings than we could ever have imagined. Most importantly, it has allowed us to find out who we are and not have to live up to what others think. It has allowed us to reinvest in our relationship with one another and if possible we are happier now than we were as newlyweds. It has give us peace, in our home, in our hearts and our souls. Would I recommend the road less traveled- you bet I would because if you keep your mind and your heart open- it can change your life immeasureably.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Looking forward to a quiet weekend
This weekend we have very little in the way of plans. We have to get laundry done (visting Mt. Wash-ington) because we have a lot of it that needs to be folded and ironed. That is the only thing that I really *have* to get done.
I would like to sort through my craft supplies and get some of them listed on Freecycle. I would like to get going through my magazine stack and work on a new foam vision board. I would like to sort through at least one bin of photos. I would like to take some clothes over to Goodwill. I would like to scrub the floors and do the carpets. But none of these things are huge priorities. If I feel like it- it would be good to get these things done, if not- I will get to them eventually.
It is such a luxury to have a weekend free of any plans. I love when we get to go visit my parents. I enjoy, very much, spending time with them. I hate when we have to come home because when we do- not only do we have to say goodbye but we also lose an hour (we have a time zone change half way between us) and then we have to get home and get ready for the week and it feels like we are rushing through the end of our weekend. When either of us works on Saturday (which for hubby is often) it means that we both have to get up because the pups get up and they need to be walked when they get up- but when we don't- they will sleep in with us for a little while so we can wake up naturally and it starts the day off in a relaxed mode. When we do get a weekend that we don't have plans to go visit my parents and when we don't have to work, and we don't have anything pressing that needs to be done, it is a little slice of heaven right here on earth. It is also a far, far cry from the many weekends where we spent the majority of it working until 3 am only to turn around and go back the next day.
So the "plan" this weekend is to start folding laundry when I get home tonight. Saturday- I will finish the laundry (including the ironing and matching up the dreaded sock mountain) and then pick and choose from the rest of the list of "would like to" as I feel like. We will have to stop at the grocery store for a few items but nothing major. We might even (weather permitting) take the pups to the riverwalk for a romp. Sunday- absolutely nothing. I will take my MTX shot and nap before I plan my week. I will also check our calendar (LOVE Google Calendar- the majority of our family is synced) and see when we can plan to go to Mom and Dad's the next few weeks. Our goal is getting all of our housework done on Saturday so we can purely relax on Sunday.
I am so grateful for these "free" weekends that we get to spend together. It reminds us how blessed we are to have made the changes that allow them.
I would like to sort through my craft supplies and get some of them listed on Freecycle. I would like to get going through my magazine stack and work on a new foam vision board. I would like to sort through at least one bin of photos. I would like to take some clothes over to Goodwill. I would like to scrub the floors and do the carpets. But none of these things are huge priorities. If I feel like it- it would be good to get these things done, if not- I will get to them eventually.
It is such a luxury to have a weekend free of any plans. I love when we get to go visit my parents. I enjoy, very much, spending time with them. I hate when we have to come home because when we do- not only do we have to say goodbye but we also lose an hour (we have a time zone change half way between us) and then we have to get home and get ready for the week and it feels like we are rushing through the end of our weekend. When either of us works on Saturday (which for hubby is often) it means that we both have to get up because the pups get up and they need to be walked when they get up- but when we don't- they will sleep in with us for a little while so we can wake up naturally and it starts the day off in a relaxed mode. When we do get a weekend that we don't have plans to go visit my parents and when we don't have to work, and we don't have anything pressing that needs to be done, it is a little slice of heaven right here on earth. It is also a far, far cry from the many weekends where we spent the majority of it working until 3 am only to turn around and go back the next day.
So the "plan" this weekend is to start folding laundry when I get home tonight. Saturday- I will finish the laundry (including the ironing and matching up the dreaded sock mountain) and then pick and choose from the rest of the list of "would like to" as I feel like. We will have to stop at the grocery store for a few items but nothing major. We might even (weather permitting) take the pups to the riverwalk for a romp. Sunday- absolutely nothing. I will take my MTX shot and nap before I plan my week. I will also check our calendar (LOVE Google Calendar- the majority of our family is synced) and see when we can plan to go to Mom and Dad's the next few weeks. Our goal is getting all of our housework done on Saturday so we can purely relax on Sunday.
I am so grateful for these "free" weekends that we get to spend together. It reminds us how blessed we are to have made the changes that allow them.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
What do you do when you can't sleep?
It is now 3:45am. I have been up for just over an hour and a half. I can tell you now it will be a two pot of coffee kind of day. I don't know why I can't sleep (probably stress related) but for some reason I have been up and down since 10:30pm. So what have I done with this middle of this night quiet time?
I have answered long overdue emails.
I have updated my google calendar
I have fooled around on Facebook
I have visited Dr. Oz's website for his Oz 100
I have watched Criminal Minds- and now Oprah.
I have visited my "friends" blogs and caught up on where they are.
I have researched smoothie recipes that I can take for lunch.
I have done a load of dishes.
I have started an email to send to myself at work of things I need to get done this week.
I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything - but I am doing my best to be very quiet so I don't wake the hubby while I wander around. I wish that I could just sit still and be, rather than do. Perhaps if I could, I could sleep rather than sit here wondering what else I can do. So I am curious. Many of us with RA and Fibro have issues sleeping. What do YOU do when you can't sleep?
I have answered long overdue emails.
I have updated my google calendar
I have fooled around on Facebook
I have visited Dr. Oz's website for his Oz 100
I have watched Criminal Minds- and now Oprah.
I have visited my "friends" blogs and caught up on where they are.
I have researched smoothie recipes that I can take for lunch.
I have done a load of dishes.
I have started an email to send to myself at work of things I need to get done this week.
I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything - but I am doing my best to be very quiet so I don't wake the hubby while I wander around. I wish that I could just sit still and be, rather than do. Perhaps if I could, I could sleep rather than sit here wondering what else I can do. So I am curious. Many of us with RA and Fibro have issues sleeping. What do YOU do when you can't sleep?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Hard lessons, connections and the next four phases of my life.
I have recently realized that everything in my life is interconnected. This is not gospel, it is just my opinion. I have found that if I look- really look- I find patterns of how the same issues affect me show up again and again.
I have discussed my issues with my weight here before. This issue has gone back as far as I can remember. I can tell you that even in high school- I was curvy. Being a curvy girl in a sea of skinny girls can really mess with your head if you let it- and I did. I look now at a picture of me in 1983 and I want to go back and kick that little girl in the rear end. Back then I was under the impression that I had a weight problem. I was very, very self conscious of those curves and it made me a little crazy.
As an adult- I have let that struggle shape (no pun intended) my vision of myself for years. Diet, diet, diet, diet. If I could tell you how many I have started- and failed at- over the years even I would be amazed. I have allowed each failure to demoralize me and hold me back from other things too.
Speaking of "failures" there is my smoking. I have smoked for almost *cough* thirty *cough* years. I started smoking in high school. Over the years I have tried to quit so many times- not as many times as I have dieted but a good number of times over the years. Each time I tried to quit and failed- I allowed it to demoralize me- and send me running to the fridge. See the first connection?
Then there is my "exercise program". I have, in my possession at this moment, several exercise videos, two Wii fit games (regular and plus), the fitness on demand at my disposal and a slew of walking guides. I have started and stopped this over and over. Partially because of my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia and the fear that doing something hard core would exacerbate my pain level. More- because I am so out of shape that I am embarrassed. Embarrassed because I couldn't run around the block without my lungs bursting. Embarrassed because the Wii fit tells me: "That's Obese!" when it does my measurements. Embarrassed because no matter how good my intentions- there are many nights that I get home that I am so tired that it is all I can do to take my dogs for their walk. Another connection- this time to both the weight issues and the smoking.
What I have learned by taking a hard look at this is that I have always approached these things with the same full on, jump in with both feet, go whole hog attitude that I do everything else. The more difficult lesson here is that I have learned that it just doesn't work for me. When I jump in and try to make too drastic a change- I set myself up for failure. I set myself up for that moment when I slip, then beat myself up and give up. I have always thought that by jumping in full throttle that I would make it through anything. It's part of my "Tigger personality" which I discussed here . I was wrong. I was way wrong.
The new lesson, the new approach here, is to start small. I am starting with the smoking. I have traded in my cigarettes for a "personal vaporizer" (also known as an e-cigarette). Last week I was down from a just under a pack a day to four cigarettes a day. I haven't had any at all since Sunday night. I have made concessions for the fact that I may slip. I have a full pack of cigarettes, with the cellophane on, in my possession. I am making a "game" or a "challenge" with myself to see just how long I can keep that cellophane intact. Knowing that they are there, knowing that I *can* access them- rather than throwing everything away and telling myself I *can't* -actually helped me get through yesterday. Of course- the biggest help was my little V4L- but even with that- I was at a lower nicotine level than I was comfortable with because I am waiting for a delivery of the right strength.
While I am working on this portion of my changes I want to make to my life- I will be preparing for the next step. I will be taking out all of my Weight Watcher's info, handbooks and cookbooks and relearning that lifestyle. I am going back to the boards to read and learn. I am going to pull out all of the cookbooks and see what recipes my honey will like so that I can begin to incorporating them in. Most importantly- I am going to start planning and logging my meals so that when I am ready to begin making those changes- I am in the habit.
For the third phase, I will begin incorporating a little exercise into my life. It is horribly cold and icy out so walking longer is not an option at the moment. Instead- in the spirit of moving slowly- I am going to begin by using my ON DEMAND for one session of yoga on Saturday mornings beginning this Saturday- the 20th. As I get to phase two, I will add a second day. Perhaps Thursday because I am *supposed* to go into work late on Thursdays and that way I won't feel rushed. After phase two takes- and I am giving myself between 3 and 6 weeks for each phase- we should be creeping into spring and I can add longer walks into my routines. I think Auggie would enjoy longer walks- and as long as the snow is gone- Harley will be pleased as well.
Phase four is cutting back. That means going through my "stuff" and downsizing it. In preparation for this phase- I am going to immerse myself in the "Simplifying" reading. I have books, magazines and websites at my disposal for this and all of them say that when you let go of "stuff" you feel free. I am going to plan on what types of things I want to "freecycle", what I want to try to sell and what I want to just plain junk. I need to really look at all of our "stuff" with a critical eye and decide what really is important to me- and what is not. I have two groups of things to start with. First is photos. I have bins of loose photos- many of them repetitive and inconsequential to where my life is now. They will go. The ones I want to keep will go into albums or frames and then be stored or hung. Weeding through them will be a bit time consuming but when they are gone- I will be able to move on. The second is my craft stuff. I have- literally- 8 bins and storage containers full of craft items. Many of these are from my pre-RA life. It's time to let those go. There is no need for me to take up the space in my home for things I can no longer use and I am sure that someone on Freecycle will want them.
Planning, taking it slow, and moving logically. I have faith that this will be the key to my long term success. I am grateful to have realized this- even if it did take me many, many years to put the pieces of this puzzle together.
I have discussed my issues with my weight here before. This issue has gone back as far as I can remember. I can tell you that even in high school- I was curvy. Being a curvy girl in a sea of skinny girls can really mess with your head if you let it- and I did. I look now at a picture of me in 1983 and I want to go back and kick that little girl in the rear end. Back then I was under the impression that I had a weight problem. I was very, very self conscious of those curves and it made me a little crazy.
As an adult- I have let that struggle shape (no pun intended) my vision of myself for years. Diet, diet, diet, diet. If I could tell you how many I have started- and failed at- over the years even I would be amazed. I have allowed each failure to demoralize me and hold me back from other things too.
Speaking of "failures" there is my smoking. I have smoked for almost *cough* thirty *cough* years. I started smoking in high school. Over the years I have tried to quit so many times- not as many times as I have dieted but a good number of times over the years. Each time I tried to quit and failed- I allowed it to demoralize me- and send me running to the fridge. See the first connection?
Then there is my "exercise program". I have, in my possession at this moment, several exercise videos, two Wii fit games (regular and plus), the fitness on demand at my disposal and a slew of walking guides. I have started and stopped this over and over. Partially because of my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia and the fear that doing something hard core would exacerbate my pain level. More- because I am so out of shape that I am embarrassed. Embarrassed because I couldn't run around the block without my lungs bursting. Embarrassed because the Wii fit tells me: "That's Obese!" when it does my measurements. Embarrassed because no matter how good my intentions- there are many nights that I get home that I am so tired that it is all I can do to take my dogs for their walk. Another connection- this time to both the weight issues and the smoking.
What I have learned by taking a hard look at this is that I have always approached these things with the same full on, jump in with both feet, go whole hog attitude that I do everything else. The more difficult lesson here is that I have learned that it just doesn't work for me. When I jump in and try to make too drastic a change- I set myself up for failure. I set myself up for that moment when I slip, then beat myself up and give up. I have always thought that by jumping in full throttle that I would make it through anything. It's part of my "Tigger personality" which I discussed here . I was wrong. I was way wrong.
The new lesson, the new approach here, is to start small. I am starting with the smoking. I have traded in my cigarettes for a "personal vaporizer" (also known as an e-cigarette). Last week I was down from a just under a pack a day to four cigarettes a day. I haven't had any at all since Sunday night. I have made concessions for the fact that I may slip. I have a full pack of cigarettes, with the cellophane on, in my possession. I am making a "game" or a "challenge" with myself to see just how long I can keep that cellophane intact. Knowing that they are there, knowing that I *can* access them- rather than throwing everything away and telling myself I *can't* -actually helped me get through yesterday. Of course- the biggest help was my little V4L- but even with that- I was at a lower nicotine level than I was comfortable with because I am waiting for a delivery of the right strength.
While I am working on this portion of my changes I want to make to my life- I will be preparing for the next step. I will be taking out all of my Weight Watcher's info, handbooks and cookbooks and relearning that lifestyle. I am going back to the boards to read and learn. I am going to pull out all of the cookbooks and see what recipes my honey will like so that I can begin to incorporating them in. Most importantly- I am going to start planning and logging my meals so that when I am ready to begin making those changes- I am in the habit.
For the third phase, I will begin incorporating a little exercise into my life. It is horribly cold and icy out so walking longer is not an option at the moment. Instead- in the spirit of moving slowly- I am going to begin by using my ON DEMAND for one session of yoga on Saturday mornings beginning this Saturday- the 20th. As I get to phase two, I will add a second day. Perhaps Thursday because I am *supposed* to go into work late on Thursdays and that way I won't feel rushed. After phase two takes- and I am giving myself between 3 and 6 weeks for each phase- we should be creeping into spring and I can add longer walks into my routines. I think Auggie would enjoy longer walks- and as long as the snow is gone- Harley will be pleased as well.
Phase four is cutting back. That means going through my "stuff" and downsizing it. In preparation for this phase- I am going to immerse myself in the "Simplifying" reading. I have books, magazines and websites at my disposal for this and all of them say that when you let go of "stuff" you feel free. I am going to plan on what types of things I want to "freecycle", what I want to try to sell and what I want to just plain junk. I need to really look at all of our "stuff" with a critical eye and decide what really is important to me- and what is not. I have two groups of things to start with. First is photos. I have bins of loose photos- many of them repetitive and inconsequential to where my life is now. They will go. The ones I want to keep will go into albums or frames and then be stored or hung. Weeding through them will be a bit time consuming but when they are gone- I will be able to move on. The second is my craft stuff. I have- literally- 8 bins and storage containers full of craft items. Many of these are from my pre-RA life. It's time to let those go. There is no need for me to take up the space in my home for things I can no longer use and I am sure that someone on Freecycle will want them.
Planning, taking it slow, and moving logically. I have faith that this will be the key to my long term success. I am grateful to have realized this- even if it did take me many, many years to put the pieces of this puzzle together.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
It's St. Valentine's Day!
I am one of those people that loved exchanging Valentine's when I was a kid. I am also one of those people who belives that Valentine's Day is not just for lovers- but for anyone that you love. I don't believe that my husband has to go out and buy me over priced flowers, chocolates that I (and my rear end) don't need, or jewelry to show me that he loves me. Now- I am not saying I don't like those things. I love flowers, just not that they jack up the prices for the holiday. I love good chocolate- but I really-really don't need them. And goodness knows that I love diamonds- but I would rather get them because it was Tuesday rather than because of a sense of "having to because"....
Last night my honey and I ran to the Dollar store. We needed to get light bulbs and it's a great place to get them and save some dollars. At the checkout there were literally hundreds of mylar balloons. Heart shaped, round, red, pink, silver, "I Love you", "Be Mine"- you get the idea. We had to walk through all of those strings to escape the store. The cashier was all sorts of high pressure to sell my hubby some of those balloons. Hubby laughed and told her that we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Our anniversary is a week away and we prefer to celebrate that instead. I told her that I don't need him to buy Valentine's gifts to know that he loves me. As we were walking through the parking lot to our car I was thinking of all of the hundreds of ways he shows his love to me on a regular basis.
Not only is he completely supportive about the challenges that come with my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, it is also the little things. Things like taking both dogs for their evening walk so that I can get to bed early when I take my Enbrel. Or roasting asparagus or brussels sprouts for me even though he really, really doesn't like them. It's stopping and waiting when I step down into an icy parking lot to make sure I don't slip and fall or stopping for coffee for me even though he doesn't drink it. Personally- I would much rather have these things every day because they show me that he is thinking of me- not because of some holiday but just because he loves me.
I feel that I am very, very fortunate. Not only that I have him and that he loves me- but that I am very secure in that knowledge. I cannot help but feel blessed that I am reminded how lucky I am. *Disclaimer* He is not, by any stretch of the imagination, perfect. He has flaws both small and large- but then so do I. Confucius said “Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.” I will keep my diamond, no matter how rough he may be.
I hope each of you finds great joy in all of those you love- today and every day.
Last night my honey and I ran to the Dollar store. We needed to get light bulbs and it's a great place to get them and save some dollars. At the checkout there were literally hundreds of mylar balloons. Heart shaped, round, red, pink, silver, "I Love you", "Be Mine"- you get the idea. We had to walk through all of those strings to escape the store. The cashier was all sorts of high pressure to sell my hubby some of those balloons. Hubby laughed and told her that we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Our anniversary is a week away and we prefer to celebrate that instead. I told her that I don't need him to buy Valentine's gifts to know that he loves me. As we were walking through the parking lot to our car I was thinking of all of the hundreds of ways he shows his love to me on a regular basis.
Not only is he completely supportive about the challenges that come with my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, it is also the little things. Things like taking both dogs for their evening walk so that I can get to bed early when I take my Enbrel. Or roasting asparagus or brussels sprouts for me even though he really, really doesn't like them. It's stopping and waiting when I step down into an icy parking lot to make sure I don't slip and fall or stopping for coffee for me even though he doesn't drink it. Personally- I would much rather have these things every day because they show me that he is thinking of me- not because of some holiday but just because he loves me.
I feel that I am very, very fortunate. Not only that I have him and that he loves me- but that I am very secure in that knowledge. I cannot help but feel blessed that I am reminded how lucky I am. *Disclaimer* He is not, by any stretch of the imagination, perfect. He has flaws both small and large- but then so do I. Confucius said “Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.” I will keep my diamond, no matter how rough he may be.
I hope each of you finds great joy in all of those you love- today and every day.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
We are the World
Twenty-five years ago, when I was *almost* 18 years old forty-five of our most beloved musicians (and actors) came together to raise money for African relief. Dubbed USA for Africa, with a simple song written by Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie, this coming together gave us a song that was- for my generation- something never seen before. It opened our eyes to the good that can come from working together and when you - as Quincy Jones demanded- "Leave your ego at the door." I remember sitting in awe, and then in tears, as I watched the video over and over (thank you MTV and VH1 when you really were video channels). It touched my heart then- and it still does today.
Here I give you the original video, featuring:
•Dan Aykroyd•Harry Belafonte •Lindsey Buckingham•Kim Carnes•Ray Charles
•Bob Dylan•Sheila E.•Bob Geldof•Hall and Oates•James Ingram•Jackie Jackson
•LaToya Jackson•Marlon Jackson•Michael Jackson•Randy Jackson•Tito Jackson
•Al Jarreau•Waylon Jennings•Billy Joel•Cyndi Lauper•Huey Lewis and the News
•Kenny Logins•Bette Midler•Willie Nelson•Jeffery Osborne•Steve Perry•The Pointer Sisters•Lionel Richie•Smokey Robinson•Kenny Rogers•Diana Ross•Paul Simon•Bruce Springsteen•Tina Turner•Dionne Warwick•Stevie Wonder
•Michael Boddicker - Synthesizers, Programming
•Paulinho da Costa - Percussion
•Louis Johnson - Bass
•Quincy Jones - Producer
•Michael Omartian - Keyboards, Producer
•Greg Phillinganes - Keyboards
•John Robinson - Drums
This year, in response to the horrific January 12th earthquake in Haiti, Quincy Jones and Lionel Ritchie brought together another group of musical artists representing every age group from the very young(Justin Beiber, Jonas Brothers, Mylie Cyrus) to the true legends (Tony Bennett, Barbra Streisand); from every musical genre from Pop (PINK!,Christina Auguilara)to Hip Hop (the Black Eyed Peas) to Country (Jennifer Nettles and Kristian Bush) to Rap (LL Cool J and Snoop Dog) and I love, love, love that they digitally added in Michael Jackson- because it wouldn't be right without him.
When I saw this video this morning, I was literally in tears again. Where else in the world could you bring together so many (80 this time!) incredibly talented to create something lasting to help people that they will never meet in their lifetime? Where else, but here in the USA, would these people whose every whim is answered for them, who are adored and revered within their world, who are scattered across the world busy working on their own tours and engagements, drop everything to come together create this video in hopes that people like me will either click the donate button on Youtube or download it on itunes to raise money for the relief efforts? This makes me proud of each of these artists. It also makes me giggle because I saw Lionel Ritchie on Oprah on Friday and he was describing looking around the room and watching Tony Bennett having a conversation with Snoop Dog and Barbra Streisand with her chin on Will.i.am's shoulder talking to Justin Beiber and just the surreal quality of it all. I picture it in my mind and it just doesn't click.
Though they will never know of my thanks- I am grateful to the following artists for their time, their passion and their dedication to making this video. * Carlos Santana* Sugarland* Natalie Cole* India.Arie* Mary Mary
* Bebe Winans* Tyrese Gibson* Raphael Saadiq* Keri Hilson* Heart* Pink
* Miley Cyrus* Jordin Sparks* Katharine McPhee* Patti Austin* Usher
* The Fray* Nicole Richie* Ethan Bortnick (9-year-old prodigy pianist)
* Taj Jackson* Freda Payne* Lil Wayne* Harry Connick Jr.* Bizzy Bones (Bone Thugs-n-Harmony)* Orianthi (This Is It guitarist)* Rickey Minor (American Idol music director)* Adam Levine* Earth Wind & Fire* Jonas Brothers* Nicole Scherzinger* Julianne Hough* Melanie Fiona* Mya
* Anthony Hamilton* Gladys Knight* Joel Madden* Benji Madden* Musiq Soulchild* Randy Jackson* Kid Cudi* Trey Songz* Taryll Jackson* T.J. Jackson* Drake* Faith Evans* Rashida Jones* Al Jardine* A.R. Rahman (Grammy winner, “Jai Ho”)* Jason Mraz* Akon* Jennifer Hudson* Enrique Iglesias* Toni Braxton* Lady Gaga* Justin Bieber* Celine Dion* T-Pain
* Trey Songz* Kanye West* Tony Bennett* Beach Boy Brian Wilson* Snoop Dogg
* Jamie Foxx* Jeff Bridges* LL Cool J* Wyclef Jean* Vince Vaughn* Robin Thicke* will.i.am* Reba McEntire* Brandy* Josh Groban* Rob Thomas
* Zac Brown Band* Barbra Streisand. This is the "offical list" so if I missed anyone- my apologies.
I hope you enjoy the new version as much as I did:
I am doing the itunes donation so that I can add it (and the original) to my playlist. If it so moves you- I hope that you will too.
Here I give you the original video, featuring:
•Dan Aykroyd•Harry Belafonte •Lindsey Buckingham•Kim Carnes•Ray Charles
•Bob Dylan•Sheila E.•Bob Geldof•Hall and Oates•James Ingram•Jackie Jackson
•LaToya Jackson•Marlon Jackson•Michael Jackson•Randy Jackson•Tito Jackson
•Al Jarreau•Waylon Jennings•Billy Joel•Cyndi Lauper•Huey Lewis and the News
•Kenny Logins•Bette Midler•Willie Nelson•Jeffery Osborne•Steve Perry•The Pointer Sisters•Lionel Richie•Smokey Robinson•Kenny Rogers•Diana Ross•Paul Simon•Bruce Springsteen•Tina Turner•Dionne Warwick•Stevie Wonder
•Michael Boddicker - Synthesizers, Programming
•Paulinho da Costa - Percussion
•Louis Johnson - Bass
•Quincy Jones - Producer
•Michael Omartian - Keyboards, Producer
•Greg Phillinganes - Keyboards
•John Robinson - Drums
This year, in response to the horrific January 12th earthquake in Haiti, Quincy Jones and Lionel Ritchie brought together another group of musical artists representing every age group from the very young(Justin Beiber, Jonas Brothers, Mylie Cyrus) to the true legends (Tony Bennett, Barbra Streisand); from every musical genre from Pop (PINK!,Christina Auguilara)to Hip Hop (the Black Eyed Peas) to Country (Jennifer Nettles and Kristian Bush) to Rap (LL Cool J and Snoop Dog) and I love, love, love that they digitally added in Michael Jackson- because it wouldn't be right without him.
When I saw this video this morning, I was literally in tears again. Where else in the world could you bring together so many (80 this time!) incredibly talented to create something lasting to help people that they will never meet in their lifetime? Where else, but here in the USA, would these people whose every whim is answered for them, who are adored and revered within their world, who are scattered across the world busy working on their own tours and engagements, drop everything to come together create this video in hopes that people like me will either click the donate button on Youtube or download it on itunes to raise money for the relief efforts? This makes me proud of each of these artists. It also makes me giggle because I saw Lionel Ritchie on Oprah on Friday and he was describing looking around the room and watching Tony Bennett having a conversation with Snoop Dog and Barbra Streisand with her chin on Will.i.am's shoulder talking to Justin Beiber and just the surreal quality of it all. I picture it in my mind and it just doesn't click.
Though they will never know of my thanks- I am grateful to the following artists for their time, their passion and their dedication to making this video. * Carlos Santana* Sugarland* Natalie Cole* India.Arie* Mary Mary
* Bebe Winans* Tyrese Gibson* Raphael Saadiq* Keri Hilson* Heart* Pink
* Miley Cyrus* Jordin Sparks* Katharine McPhee* Patti Austin* Usher
* The Fray* Nicole Richie* Ethan Bortnick (9-year-old prodigy pianist)
* Taj Jackson* Freda Payne* Lil Wayne* Harry Connick Jr.* Bizzy Bones (Bone Thugs-n-Harmony)* Orianthi (This Is It guitarist)* Rickey Minor (American Idol music director)* Adam Levine* Earth Wind & Fire* Jonas Brothers* Nicole Scherzinger* Julianne Hough* Melanie Fiona* Mya
* Anthony Hamilton* Gladys Knight* Joel Madden* Benji Madden* Musiq Soulchild* Randy Jackson* Kid Cudi* Trey Songz* Taryll Jackson* T.J. Jackson* Drake* Faith Evans* Rashida Jones* Al Jardine* A.R. Rahman (Grammy winner, “Jai Ho”)* Jason Mraz* Akon* Jennifer Hudson* Enrique Iglesias* Toni Braxton* Lady Gaga* Justin Bieber* Celine Dion* T-Pain
* Trey Songz* Kanye West* Tony Bennett* Beach Boy Brian Wilson* Snoop Dogg
* Jamie Foxx* Jeff Bridges* LL Cool J* Wyclef Jean* Vince Vaughn* Robin Thicke* will.i.am* Reba McEntire* Brandy* Josh Groban* Rob Thomas
* Zac Brown Band* Barbra Streisand. This is the "offical list" so if I missed anyone- my apologies.
I hope you enjoy the new version as much as I did:
I am doing the itunes donation so that I can add it (and the original) to my playlist. If it so moves you- I hope that you will too.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
A New (to me) and fun blog to share.
by dragos on March 13, 2009 · 28 commentsMy own additions this morning:
in Personal Development
70
Too often we find more reasons to hate our life than to love it. And you know what? Life hates us back. Here are 77 reasons to love your life. Pick one or add your own in the comments.
Feel free to take this list and put it in your blog (with a link back to the original) and then add your own reasons. Feel free to tag your blogger friends and turn this into a meme. I only wrote 77 reasons for now but there are millions out there. Let’s share them
- love your life for everything you already have
- love your life for what you are yet to receive
- love your life for all your certainties
- love your life for the friends you have
- love your life for the wonderful journeys you had
- love your life for the friends you will get
- love your life for all the bad advice you didn’t follow
- love your life for your beautiful memories
- love your life for the ones you love
- love your life for the ones you forgot, as they are still to enrich your life
- love your life for the work you do, as this is your gift to the others
- love your life for the jokes you still wait to hear
- love your life for the beautiful travels you are still to make
- love your life for everything you are not sure about, as it will still challenge your being
- love your life for all the beautiful sunrises you remember
- love your life for all the fantastic sunsets you still recall
- love your life for tomorrow’s sunrise
- love your life for yesterday sunset
- love your life for the gifts you are yet to receive
- love your life for the health you have
- love your life for all the beauty you can spot around you
- love your life for the ugliness around you, as it serves you to contrast the beauty you are ignoring
- love your life for the riddles you haven’t yet solved
- love your life for all your unanswered questions
- love your life for all your victories
- love your live for all the good advice you followed
- love your life for all your lost battles, as they are your precious lessons
- love your life for your enemies, as they are there to give birth to you forgiveness
- love your life for all the small things in your life
- love your life for all the ambitious goals you’ve set
- love your life for all the answers you got so far
- love your life for the smiles you get every day
- love your life for the smiles you give every day
- love your life for your energetic mornings
- love your life for your romantic evenings
- love your life for the life rediscovered through the eyes of your children
- love your life for the smell of the rain
- love your life for the gifts you still have to make
- love your life for all the games you haven’t yet played
- love your life for the next first snow
- love your life for all the great ideas you had today
- love your life for all the great ideas you will have tomorrow
- love your life for tomorrow’s surprises
- love your life for today’s gifts
- love your life for all your fulfilled dreams
- love your life for yesterday’s memories, they are there to enlight you
- love your life for all the nice words you haven’t yet said to your loved ones
- love your life for all the nice words you heard from your loved ones
- love your life for all the nice people you haven’t yet met
- love your life for all your mistakes, so you can have plenty of time to make up for them
- love your life for all the adventures you haven’t yet had
- love your life for all the books you haven’t yet read
- love your life for all the books you haven’t yet written
- love your life for all the unborn challenges you still have to face
- love your life for all the stories you haven’t yet heard, written or imagined
- love your life for the person who’s looking at you from the mirror every morning
- love your life for the nurturing family you already have
- love your life for all you have to share with others
- love your life for all you’ve lost in your journey, as it will only make room for something even bigger
- love your life for the feeling of your heart overflowing with love
- love your life for all your unfulfilled dreams as you will have plenty of time to make them true
- love your life for all the opportunities that are waiting for you just around the corner
- love your life for the personal freedom you conquered
- love your life for everything you created so far
- love your life for the beauty of every spring
- love your life for the energy of every summer
- love your life for the emotions of every fall
- love your life for the cold beauty of every winter
- love your life for all the beauty inside you, waiting yet to be discovered
- love your life for all the fantastic colors that are shaping your world every day
- love your life for all the wonderful music you’ve heard so far
- love your life for all the people you have met so far, they are your precious universe
- love your life for wind that caresses your face every day
- love your life for the all the unexpected changes of your plans
- love your life for all the fights you avoided
- love your life for all the crossroads you meet every day, they are there to offer you the best path you can chose
- love your life for every single second, as this is all you have, only this infinite second
Tagged as: life, love
I love my life for the gorgeous caprese salad that I just put together and can look forward to for lunch.
I love my life for the wonderfully supportive friends that I have been blessed with who I have never met in person
I love my life for the challenges I face every day and the ability to meet them.
I have to give "props" to @Flipbooks for pointing me toward this blog on Twitter. If you follow @Flipbooks, you will find a lot of very, very interesting links. I often "favorite" his links from my blackberry and sit and check them out when I get home. If you enjoy this list- you must follow @dragosroua for it is his blog. I recommend you start with his other lists and work your way from there.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Snow Days
I don't know about you but when I was a kid, a snow day was just about the greatest thing since dill pickles. A snow day meant staying in jammies and watching tv for a while, then getting bundled up and going outside to play in the snow for hours until we couldn't feel our fingers or noses. It meant collecting snow for snow cream, which mom would make for us and we thought we were just SO fancy. It meant hot cocoa and soup to warm you up. It was a day of freedom from school and homework. It was like a surprise vacation. Who didn't love a snow day?
Then I grew up. And snow days meant traffic hassles, finding a sitter or calling in to work and losing pay, and other headaches as it disrupted the day. It certainly changes your perspective when you are on the other side of the "kids getting to be home all day" coin. LOL.
Seven years ago- I started working in higher ed. Guess what? Snow days became fun again! I think we watch the tv and websites as hard if not harder than the kids!
Today- school was called off at 5:45 am. I let out a whoop that probably would be heard at my hubby's work. I called him anyway to let him know so he wasn't surprised when he got home. I poured myself another coffee and sent up a quick word of thanks. I started a tenderloin in the crock pot for pulled pork for dinner. I watched a show on my DVR- and now a second- and very soon, as soon as this cup of coffee is finished and this show is over- I am heading back to bed. It is such a wonderful indulgence to be able to crawl back in bed on a Tuesday morning- not because I am sick, not because I am in a flare- but just because I want a nap.
So now I have come full circle. I am back where I was 35 years ago- incredibly grateful for a snow day.
Then I grew up. And snow days meant traffic hassles, finding a sitter or calling in to work and losing pay, and other headaches as it disrupted the day. It certainly changes your perspective when you are on the other side of the "kids getting to be home all day" coin. LOL.
Seven years ago- I started working in higher ed. Guess what? Snow days became fun again! I think we watch the tv and websites as hard if not harder than the kids!
Today- school was called off at 5:45 am. I let out a whoop that probably would be heard at my hubby's work. I called him anyway to let him know so he wasn't surprised when he got home. I poured myself another coffee and sent up a quick word of thanks. I started a tenderloin in the crock pot for pulled pork for dinner. I watched a show on my DVR- and now a second- and very soon, as soon as this cup of coffee is finished and this show is over- I am heading back to bed. It is such a wonderful indulgence to be able to crawl back in bed on a Tuesday morning- not because I am sick, not because I am in a flare- but just because I want a nap.
So now I have come full circle. I am back where I was 35 years ago- incredibly grateful for a snow day.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Taking a big step
Confession time: I am a smoker. I have been a smoker since I was....fourteen or fifteen years old. I actually think I started smoking about the year they put the warning on the side of the box. That is what? 28 or 29 years ago? I knew the health risks but as a teenager- I thought I knew it all. I thought I was invincible. *I* would never get addicted. Yet another example of how stupid teenagers are.
I have tried to quit a thousand times. I have tried the patches (which burned my skin), the gum (couldn't stomach the taste), Zyban (lasted 6 weeks but even my boss- who harrassed me to quit- was ready to hand me a cigarette I was so moody) and cold turkey. Nothing has stuck. Though I know it is not an "excuse"- but the difficulty of efforts have been compounded by the fact that my darling husband is also a smoker. Trying to quit smoking while your partner is smoking is, for me, so very, very hard.
I have been thinking and thinking about quitting again. Having tried to quit so many times I know that it is the actual action of smoking that I "miss" when I try to quit in addition to the nicotine withdrawl. So this time I am taking a novel approach for me. I have given myself a gift on the recommendation of a dear friend of mine. On Friday afternoon, I ordered an "electronic cigarette" kit. My friend tried these a few weeks ago and has not only not resumed smoking- but said that the one cigarette she picked up- made her dry heave. Now that is a deterrent!
Not actually cigarettes- these are personal vaporizers that are shaped like cigarettes. The action of "Vaping" is just like smoking. You inhale and the battery kicks on and activates an atomizer which creates a vapor. The vapor contains anywhere from a small amount to no nicotine (you choose the strength of the cartridge when you order) but no tar, carbon dioxide or any of the other chemicals in "analog" cigarettes. There is no smoke- the vapor is waterbased so there is no second hand dangers either. The cartridges come in everything from "regular cigarette" to cola to fruit flavors- so there doesn't have to be a cigarette smell either. What I have read on the "vaping" boards also tells me that the cost is less than half of what I have been paying for cigarettes (beyond the start up cost)and we know that that cost is significant. I am so excited to switch to these things. I am expecting my kit to come either this afternoon or tomorrow and I can't wait to get my batteries charging and toss away my cigarettes. I believe that this will help me wean myself off nicotine while not being enticed by my other half smoking. I ordered several different strengths and flavors to start with so that I can try them out and see what I like and what works for me. The nice thing is that I can step down as I please and my hope is that I can start by substituting half of my regular smoking with lower nicotine levels and go from there. I even ordered some yummy sounding flavors with no nicotine at all.
Cross your fingers for me- if this works- I will be smoke free in a matter of days!
I have tried to quit a thousand times. I have tried the patches (which burned my skin), the gum (couldn't stomach the taste), Zyban (lasted 6 weeks but even my boss- who harrassed me to quit- was ready to hand me a cigarette I was so moody) and cold turkey. Nothing has stuck. Though I know it is not an "excuse"- but the difficulty of efforts have been compounded by the fact that my darling husband is also a smoker. Trying to quit smoking while your partner is smoking is, for me, so very, very hard.
I have been thinking and thinking about quitting again. Having tried to quit so many times I know that it is the actual action of smoking that I "miss" when I try to quit in addition to the nicotine withdrawl. So this time I am taking a novel approach for me. I have given myself a gift on the recommendation of a dear friend of mine. On Friday afternoon, I ordered an "electronic cigarette" kit. My friend tried these a few weeks ago and has not only not resumed smoking- but said that the one cigarette she picked up- made her dry heave. Now that is a deterrent!
Not actually cigarettes- these are personal vaporizers that are shaped like cigarettes. The action of "Vaping" is just like smoking. You inhale and the battery kicks on and activates an atomizer which creates a vapor. The vapor contains anywhere from a small amount to no nicotine (you choose the strength of the cartridge when you order) but no tar, carbon dioxide or any of the other chemicals in "analog" cigarettes. There is no smoke- the vapor is waterbased so there is no second hand dangers either. The cartridges come in everything from "regular cigarette" to cola to fruit flavors- so there doesn't have to be a cigarette smell either. What I have read on the "vaping" boards also tells me that the cost is less than half of what I have been paying for cigarettes (beyond the start up cost)and we know that that cost is significant. I am so excited to switch to these things. I am expecting my kit to come either this afternoon or tomorrow and I can't wait to get my batteries charging and toss away my cigarettes. I believe that this will help me wean myself off nicotine while not being enticed by my other half smoking. I ordered several different strengths and flavors to start with so that I can try them out and see what I like and what works for me. The nice thing is that I can step down as I please and my hope is that I can start by substituting half of my regular smoking with lower nicotine levels and go from there. I even ordered some yummy sounding flavors with no nicotine at all.
Cross your fingers for me- if this works- I will be smoke free in a matter of days!
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Second Half of My Life?
I am not a huge Rosie O'Donnell fan but I don't dislike her so when she was on Oprah a week or so ago I tuned in with half an ear. At one point, Oprah asked Rosie what she had been doing for the last few years and Rosie said "Planning the second half of my life." That caught my attention. In fact, I had to rewind and listen again. It seems Rosie lost her mother when her mother was in her 40's and therefore, Rosie always expected to die at the same age. When she didn't- it caught her off guard and she wasn't sure what to do. She had always planned her life but had never thought beyond that point. That resonated with me and since I wasn't sure why (I still have my mom, thank goodness, so I could not relate to the whole story) I kind of tucked it into the back of my mind and didn't think much about it again. Well- last night, while showering, it was like a ninja bomb (thanks Dane Cook for that term-lol) went off in my head. I got it. It came to me in a flash that I relate to that turn of a phrase because it is very much like my diagnosis with Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I sincerely doubt that any of us planned for having Rheumatoid Arthritis invade our lives. When we were children we didn't sit there and dream "I am going to be a writer (lawyer, actress, comedian, fire fighter, cowboy, ballerina- chose your dream) and will live in a big house and wear fabulous clothes and have a disabling autoimmune disorder." I know that I didn't. When my diagnosis came- all my plans for my life came to a halt. Rather than doing all of the things I had planned; I was thrown into a life of finding what works for pain management, of trying to keep my immune system from revolting as I pumped it full of drugs designed to stop it from doing what it was doing, of raising awareness and learning to live with all of the other things that come with a disease with no cure.
Having a diagnosis of RA and Fibromyalgia on top of it (no one ever claimed I do things in half measures) was for me and many like me, the end of my life as I had known it. I was 38 years old and falling apart and that was NOT what I had planned. What I didn't think about, until I saw the Rosie & Oprah interview, was that it was a new beginning as well. If I look at it from this vantage point I can see that it truely was the beginning of the second half of my life. What I didn't think about was that I have been going through this journey a day at a time with no plan. I had avoided thinking about the future because I was afraid of the unknown and RA is the epitome of the unknown. Not knowing how I will feel and how my body will behave one day to the next has kept me in a sort of mental paralysis. But no more. I am inspired by those words in a way that Rosie will never know.
So the next fork in my road is to work on a plan. I have (hopefully) another 42 years in front of me. I have many things to look forward to that RA will never touch and I know, after four and a half years of living with this, where my limits are and what I can do. I can make a new plan for my life and work WITH my disease(s) and not against it. I don't have to let it stop me or hold me hostage any longer. More importantly, if I make my plan and my health goes south a bit, I can rework my map to accomodate the detour. It won't be easy to visualize my future but in the end the goals and dreams can be achieved if I find a way to keep them in sight while still living in the present.
So how about you? What is YOUR plan for the second half of your life?
I sincerely doubt that any of us planned for having Rheumatoid Arthritis invade our lives. When we were children we didn't sit there and dream "I am going to be a writer (lawyer, actress, comedian, fire fighter, cowboy, ballerina- chose your dream) and will live in a big house and wear fabulous clothes and have a disabling autoimmune disorder." I know that I didn't. When my diagnosis came- all my plans for my life came to a halt. Rather than doing all of the things I had planned; I was thrown into a life of finding what works for pain management, of trying to keep my immune system from revolting as I pumped it full of drugs designed to stop it from doing what it was doing, of raising awareness and learning to live with all of the other things that come with a disease with no cure.
Having a diagnosis of RA and Fibromyalgia on top of it (no one ever claimed I do things in half measures) was for me and many like me, the end of my life as I had known it. I was 38 years old and falling apart and that was NOT what I had planned. What I didn't think about, until I saw the Rosie & Oprah interview, was that it was a new beginning as well. If I look at it from this vantage point I can see that it truely was the beginning of the second half of my life. What I didn't think about was that I have been going through this journey a day at a time with no plan. I had avoided thinking about the future because I was afraid of the unknown and RA is the epitome of the unknown. Not knowing how I will feel and how my body will behave one day to the next has kept me in a sort of mental paralysis. But no more. I am inspired by those words in a way that Rosie will never know.
So the next fork in my road is to work on a plan. I have (hopefully) another 42 years in front of me. I have many things to look forward to that RA will never touch and I know, after four and a half years of living with this, where my limits are and what I can do. I can make a new plan for my life and work WITH my disease(s) and not against it. I don't have to let it stop me or hold me hostage any longer. More importantly, if I make my plan and my health goes south a bit, I can rework my map to accomodate the detour. It won't be easy to visualize my future but in the end the goals and dreams can be achieved if I find a way to keep them in sight while still living in the present.
So how about you? What is YOUR plan for the second half of your life?
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