Like It Or Not- Changes Are Coming

 Long post warning.  

I am not a fan of change.  You would think that after being a military brat for many years, and having had several disparate careers I would be used to change and used to starting over. I would argue that when I was a brat and we moved to a new location, we did it together as a family, and when I changed careers they not only mostly overlapped long enough for me to feel secure in the transition, but they were my choice.  

This Summer I am facing a big change, not of my own volition.  I have three choices- either I stay with my company and go to a new store, possibly stay at IU with a different company, or change careers entirely.  I just started my 15th year at IU, and in March I reach my 19th anniversary with BNC.  It kind of feels like those years of hard work and being a member of those communities are being stripped away.   

Right now, I am sad and a little bit angry because while I am still ensconced in my store for a few more months, I feel like I have been set adrift in a row boat with out paddles.  

 I have told my Regional Manager that I am open to local opportunities.  I don't want to uproot and sell our house and move again, especially since it's not just me in this equation and my other half moved half way across the country and set down roots for me 15 years ago.  I am aware that there may not be a position that affords me the opportunity to stay where I am and stay with BNC which is 50% of my sadness.

Since I am also aware that the new book company taking the IU account may want to start with a clean slate and bring in their own manager, that leaves changing careers.  

I will graduate in May with a General Studies degree from IU, with minors in Journalism, Public Relations, and Sociology.   The ideal job for me would be in a position that would allow me to create content, managing social media, writing blog posts and curating content or something similar.  Even more ideally, it would balance on site and remote work and to work for a solid company with a long-term outlook, that cares about their employees and treats them well.

 On a side note- naturally salary will play a factor, as will benefits.  If I change jobs I am losing the benefits that I have accrued over years of loyal service to my company and that will hurt.

The big question is- does that Unicorn job even exist?   And does it exist here, in the Louisville area?  I don't know.  "I don't know" is my sticking point.  Not knowing what comes next is what makes me feel so adrift and sad and mad all at once.  

The thought of job hunting fuels my ulcer, because who enjoys interviewing?  Who enjoys putting themselves out there and risking rejection? Is it any wonder that I am not a fan of change these days? 

I am grateful that they gave us 6 months or so warning- but on the other hand, that's 6 months to stew over what's next as well. I am grieving the end of this partnership, and the loss of this community while I am still entrenched in it for the time being. (sigh)  

A Pandemic Break or Broken by a Pandemic?

 

     Hi Long Lost Friends! I hope this finds you well and healthy.  

     In March of 2019, I decided to test out WordPress. I had heard over and over and over how much easier it was to use, how it had a ton of different applications etc.  I mean- it was okay.  Easy to use and yes, I could customize the background and look of every post but Blogger is just as easy to use.  I also was deep into my college classes and such and busy with work and family so even though I tested it out, it wasn't any more regular than I had been here.  

     Fast forward exactly a year and COVID-19 hit.  I don't know about you, but my revolving emotions throughout the pandemic have been; fear, anger, frustration, isolation, and anxiety, with a very small dose of thankfulness thrown in.  I don't know that I have ever, in 53 years on this planet, had another period of time that was so suffused with negative emotions.  Perhaps a day or even a week, but certainly not a year.  I have spent much of the last couple of months really thinking about this and here is what I have concluded about these emotions that have taken over me and why they were there: 

Fear- Fear has been dominant.  Fear of catching the virus, Fear of my family members catching the virus, Fear of losing one of them, Fear of losing our jobs, Fear, Fear, Fear. 

Anger- I have been SO angry at those people who refused to believe that the virus was a real, deadly thing, that they didn't need to wear a mask, that those of us who did were "sheep" to be shamed for living in fear.  I have been angry that the collective "we" were not ready to deal with this pandemic better than we were.  It's as if we were completely caught with our pants down around our ankles.  

Frustration- Like many, many businesses, mine was affected by the pandemic.  My customers are college students and one year ago this coming week, we just shut our doors along with the school.  That meant that all of my staff was gone in an instant.  For months I went to work, 5 days a week all by myself to wait for the UPS guy to deliver books, pick up online orders that I pulled and processed and deliver rented textbooks that my students sent back.  It was tomb-quiet, it was isolating and it was overwhelming.  And then- the axe dropped.  Due to the money that we were haemorrhaging being closed, my Assistant Manager's position was eliminated.  I vacillated between furious and frustrated for a very long time because I was anticipating her return.  We were a great team and losing her after she had been on unemployment for months waiting for us to bring her back from furlough pissed me right off.  It wasn't fair to her, it wasn't fair to me and it didn't look good for me to ever get caught up. Shortly after I was allowed to bring back my seasonals but there are a lot of things that only management can do.  After about 6 weeks, they allowed me to promote one of my seasonals to a PT supervisor.  It helps but quite honestly, I am scarred enough by this past year that I don't trust that she won't be eliminated either.  That mistrust is frustrating as well when you consider that in 10 days I will have given 18 years of my life to this company.   

Isolation- haven't we all felt isolated?  The whole quarantine thing is making everyone feel isolated.  Not being able to see my parents for months on end, not being able to see friends or other family members.  Not being able to get closer than 6', much less give hugs to those we did accidentally run into at the grocery.  Going to work and being completely alone with the exception of seeing the UPS guy once a day and our university police popping on occasion.  Both Jim and I were "essential" in that I had to be at work to get ready for the new term and he works in manufacturing.  SO while everyone else was at home- we slogged off to work every day.  That was kind of isolating itself.  People didn't understand why we were allowed to go to work when we weren't first responders.  

Anxiety- I took the pandemic to take extra classes and school full time for several semesters so that after the current term, I will have four classes left to go to graduate.  I have been anxious about completing my degree, anxious about my ability to successfully do my job at the current staffing levels because it calls on me to be much more physically involved.  Books have to hit the shelves no matter how many of us are working.  Anxious about both of us keeping our jobs in the pandemic.  Anxious about finding a new job when so many people are out of work.  Anxious about finances in general.  Anxious about my health, my parents health and Auggie's health.  

As for the tiny bit if gratitude?  Well, SO far we have kept our jobs, so far neither Jim nor I have caught COVID and I have had my first shot.  I am eternally grateful that when we almost lost my mom to COVID, she was able to rally back to us and that Dad didn't get it worse than he did.  I am grateful that my chronic pain conditions haven't flared more often than they have and that though my lung disease has flared (culminating in 8 bouts of bronchitis and/or pneumonia in 12 months) my new ENT has been terrific and proactive.  She actually listens, which feels like a miracle these days.  I am grateful that Auggie's vet has kept going until she finally determined that my poor little man has an autoimmune illness too.  Now Auggie is on long-term prednisone so that's fun.  I am just grateful that it didn't manifest until he was 12.  

So there we are.  I am ready for things to get to whatever normal will look like.  I am ready to be able to give good hugs.  I am ready to feel financially stable, I am ready to get back to writing.  I couldn't write in that state of mind. I just felt so out of control of my own life that I was paralyzed and going through the motions.  Though I am slowly coming out of the constant negativity- I almost feel that all of this has triggered and left me with a low-grade depression, which means I need to find my gratitude all the more.  

Trying a new platform

Hey gang- It has been recommended that as we create works of writing, graphics, brochures, flyers and such in our classes that we store it on WordPress or another host.  This will allow us to create a portfolio of works for when we graduate.

To that end, I am checking out WordPress and will be blogging over there for a bit.  If you are interested- check it out.  I would love your feedback on the format, readability and of course, on the posts. 

The link is:  https://anattitudeofgratitude.home.blog/

Hope to see you there!  

Quick UPDATE on my craziness.

I want to thank all of you who have been sending thoughts and prayers for my family.  I just wanted to update you on how Dad is doing. 

After a long hospital stay, he was released- but - he was not able to go home because though there are only 3 steps at each entrance- he was still wheelchair-bound and even with his walker or scooter couldn't get up them because they are steep.  So he and my mom have been camped out at our Aunt Karen's  (mom's sister) house for almost 2 weeks.  We all appreciate her letting them stay with her and Dad's enjoying the gorgeous view of the Ohio River and watching the barges go up and down all day. 

On Friday Dad went in to have the Achilles surgery and will be in a splint until the stitches come out and then a cast for 6-8 weeks.  That part of him is on the road to recovery and for that, we are so grateful. 

He's also gone back to the neuro-that news wasn't as good.  It seems the vertebrae is fractured worse than originally thought even with the brace.  When he goes back they will decide if they will do Vertebroplasty (injection of bone cement into the vertebrae without fusion) which would bring almost immediate relief or if they want to keep him in the brace for the duration.  I am 100% sure he is voting for the cement.  I just want him to have whatever will not cause more problems down the road. 

As for my sleep- Jim has put it best- he says that I no longer sleep, I just take multiple naps.  He's right, the question is how to fix it.  It started when I was having such severe acid reflux at night and now it's taken hold.  Now that the ulcer is subsiding and I am having significantly less acid reflux I guess I need to re-teach myself to sleep a full night.  It won't be easy but I am taking Spring Break off so it will be a good time to do it.  I am sure the flares are linked so it's a task that must be done. 

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers.  They are helping keep our spirits up! 

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

    Happy St. Patrick's Day friends!  As someone who spent 25 years working in the hospitality industry (hotels, restaurants, bars) St. Patrick's day was nothing more than one of the several Amateur Night's per year to make some decent money.  What's an amateur night you ask?  That's the night that all of those people that rarely get out head to the bars to get their drink on.  New Year's Eve, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving Eve up north (It's reunion night for all coming home), and lesser so- Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend, Fourth of July weekend.  Every server and bartender that I know is aware that those nights are a totally different animal of customer and tips could be through the roof or through the floor.  We also know that if we aren't working- you won't catch us on the road with so many drunk drivers because we don't know that customer and for all we know it could take half the alcohol of a more....seasoned customer. 

Things changed for me a few years ago in terms of St. Patrick's Day.  My Daddy was adopted as a child, something that's never been made a big thing in our family.  I was diagnosed with all of these stupid illnesses, something that I try not to make too big a deal of within the family.  Then Ancestry DNA and 23 & Me came to be.  This was just around the time that Josh became a real adult and got serious about a lovely girl.  Even though she already has two kiddos and they don't plan on having any more, I started to wonder where Dad really came from and what my DNA could pass on to Josh and any potential progeny.  Yes- I am very well aware that RA is not necessarily hereditary, but what else was percolating in there?  So- I did BOTH tests.  I both to see if they matched- because I am persnickety like that- and the did to the nth degree. 

The traits matched me on almost every level, which was surprising but cool.  The health side was all great news (only one matched variant out of all of them) so that was a relief. The surprise was my heritage.  I am literally that Ancestry DNA commercial.  We thought we were German, German and more German.  Both sides traced back generations.  Nope.  Not even close.  We shall blame Dad for this- since Mama's side is actually traced back to Prussia, but my DNA shows that I am almost 50% Irish and British and only 15-20% German!  So now- St. Patrick's day is my holiday too!  Of course- it will never, ever top Halloween, but I am claiming it none-the-less.  Of course, my dear husband who claims lots of Irish in his heritage, still won't let me make Corned Beef and Cabbage even though I have always loved it because he cannot stand the smell.  *Funny memory* his Mom used to make Corned Beef and Cabbage for herself, Josh and I,  and if the family wanted to complain, they could go elsewhere for dinner.  Since none of the rest of them would eat it- they all scattered and we had a lovely dinner and leftovers.  She was a hoot- I miss that and her.

On that note, I am off to the grocery to get prepping for the week, then I have an assignment to write for my PR Writing Class and a test in Geography before my Sunday night shows.  Have a lovely St. Paddy's day and if you are heading out- be careful on the roads!

It's Been One Heck of A Challenging Year Already!

      Wow, is it really only March?  The best example I can give as to how this year has gone so far actually happened this week.  Yesterday morning, I woke up at one, fell back to sleep around 2 and at 3:30 Auggie was losing it to go outside, so back up I got and decided to stay up with them.  As I was standing there, waiting for my coffee to brew and waiting to bring the dogs back inside all I could think was "It's okay, it's Friday, tomorrow I can rest."  As I shuffled into my office, coffee up gripped with two hands because they are flaring, almost tripping over dogs who were jockeying for position with treats in their mouths, it suddenly dawned on me that it was only Tuesday.  It seems that after this month, 3-3:30 am is my "new normal" time to get up because I just naturally wake up and can only go back to sleep if I force it.  I think it's because I know that I can be productive as soon as I can get my hands, feet and hips loosened up and I have so much on my plate that I need the extra time in my life.  

    School has been an UBER challenge this semester.  I mentioned a few posts ago that I am taking three courses this semester.  Even though it will afford me a Summer vacation without worrying about taking finals (our biennial family reunion is the week of the first Summer semester finals) it has not only worn me out but shaken my confidence.  There's a joke that "C's get degrees" but every time I work on my Physical Geography course, I use it as my mantra.  I just should not have done this course online.  In addition to having an effect on my confidence and my GPA, it's also affected the time I've had to work on my other courses and that's showing as well.  I was very proud of the work I've done thus far, and I'm watching the house of cards fall.  I can only hope to get out of this term without too much damage and never take three tough courses in one semester again. 

     Naturally, there have been health challenges this year because when are there not?  I have had several rather painful flares.  Thinking about it objectively, I am going to say it's been a solid week -2 every month.  But wait- there's more! For quite some time I have been having issues with my skin.  I keep getting painful blisters on my scalp, which then burst and scab and come back again. Because it was on the scalp-  I thought maybe it was a reaction to colouring my hair, so I stopped that- and it still didn't go away. Then I thought maybe it was a reaction to the Plaquenil, so we took me off that.  When it didn't go away, back on it I went.  I've tried psoriasis shampoos, clarifying treatments, you name it- then it started to show up on my back and on my face and I gave up.  So now we add a Dermatologist to my arsenal of doctors when they see me next month.   I feel like I am collecting specialists at this point and honestly- if this is another offshoot of the RA, you will probably hear me scream from wherever you are. 

    Finally, a few weeks ago, on the day we did my store inventory,  my poor dad took a nasty fall.   He and his neighbor/bestie were carrying a 55" tv up the very steep stairs from his basement man cave because Mom bought him a new one for Valentines Day/their Anniversary and Geek Squad was scheduled to come out and install the new one.   Mr. Dan was up top, Dad down bottom. They were 4 steps from the top when somehow Mr. Dan either missed a step or slipped and both went "ass over teakettle" down the stairs.  They ended up with Dad on the bottom of the pile on his back, Mr Dan laying on top of him and the TV like a cherry on that sundae.  Mr. Dan was bruised and battered and had a cut on his forehead from the TV hitting him.  Dad had a fractured L2 vertebrae and a torn Achilles tendon.  As soon as Mom let us know that Dad had been taken to the hospital, Jim and I threw some things in a bag, threw the dogs in the cars and headed out.  It was a Saturday when the accident happened and I was fortunate enough to be able to stay through Monday to find out what was going to happen.  Dad was in the Ortho/Neuro unit at Deaconness Hospital Midtown through Wednesday and then they moved him over to the Rehab unit on the same floor.  They have spent the last 10 days or so teaching him to move with a brace on his back, use a walker and try out a knee scooter.  The brace will be with him until the fracture heals.  As for his Achilles, he has yet another MRI this morning and tomorrow will find out if they will do surgery or progressive casting to treat that.  As of now, he still can't put any weight on it without excruciating pain.  I just want him to get well.  They sprang him from inpatient care yesterday but he and Mom went to my Aunt's Mom's sister) house for the timebeing because he still can't get up the few stairs into their house because he is currently in a wheelchair until they begin treatment.  I know they really, really appreciate my Aunt opening her home to them but I am sure will both be very happy to get him home and back to some kind of normal. 

Are you tired yet?  I am tired just recapping all of this and it's time to get ready for work!  Please keep my Dad in your thoughts/ prayers in hope that he gets some relief soon and have a lovely, lovely day!     

This Post Will be a Detour- Please Read

I know that my goal of this blog is to reach a place of Gratitude in all that I do but today I am taking a detour.  Normally I start my day with a quote that applies to what I am thinking, what I am feeling or that applies to someone I am thinking about.  Today I posted much of this as my status on Facebook this morning but even though I needed to get it off my chest- I doubt it will be read because it's so long. So bear with me friends-here we go:

No quote this morning, just something to think about.  We as a society put people up on pedestals- athletes, actors/actresses, musicians, those that are famous just for being famous, anyone we admire.  But why?  Yes, the athletes are superior at their sport.  The actor/actress is capable of taking on a new persona and entertaining us for a few hours.  The musician can create music that takes you to a new place. The famous for being famous lives a lifestyle that you may aspire to.  No matter how talented they are, they are just people, just like us. 

On the other hand, we as a society are so quick to tear people down.  Those same “famous” people do something that we don’t like and suddenly they are worthy of our scorn and we make no bones about it.  We trash them to our friends, we attack them on social media, and we say things we would never have the nerve to say to them face-to-face.  We forget that they are just people, just like us.

Then we let it start to bleed over into other areas of our lives.  We can’t just disagree with others like reasonable human beings.  We have to immediately go on the attack- “Idiot” “Ass hole”, “Ignorant _________(fill in the party affiliation/religion/ethnic background)” "You Suck" and far worse.  Why? Why are we incapable of making an argument based on the content and not attacking people personally? Why are we okay with jumping into a conversation and attacking someone we have never met?   What happened to behaving with dignity?  What happened to giving the respect that we expect to be given?  What happened to being open to listening to “the other side” the way we expect to be heard?  How did we get to a place where this is accepted and perpetuated Every. Single. Day? 

That negativity is infectious and there’s only one way I can see to combat it.  #Kindness.  Kindness to ourselves.  Kindness to our friends/family/acquaintances.  Kindness to strangers. We don't have to agree with someone, or even like them, to show kindness and treat people with dignity.   We are all just people.  We have brains, we have feelings and we have value.  #StopAndThink #TheresAPersonBehindTheScreen #BeKind   

This Cold Weather is Kicking My Butt!

Greetings from Kentuckiana.  Like many we are mid-polar vortex and SO freaking cold.  Today is 6 degrees out.  It's a veritable heatwave because for the moment the wind has stopped so the windchill is equal to the temps.  I don't know about you, but when it's this cold, my body revolts.  My hands, feet, shoulders and knees are NOT happy with this weather.  I saw my Rheumatologist on Friday and even then my hands and shoulder were in beginning stage flare because of the cold.  She said that being off NSAIDS because of the ulcer is not doing me any favors either.  Oh well, we press on as always. 

The advantage to working at (and being a student of) a university is the occasional "Snow Day".  I was so thankful that yesterday, when it was in the negative teens all day, we had the day off.  I got a lot (2/3) of homework accomplished and didn't have to be out in it.  I was rather hoping that we would have a 2 hour delay like the rest of the schools in the area today to give it time to warm just a bit today but no luck.  In about 15 minutes I will have to head out to start the car and clean the snow off from Tuesday night.  I can't complain too much- Jim didn't have the day off and was mega layered up (including a face mask) because he works loading trucks and is in the cold much of the day.

Today I am thankful for:

GLOVES!  I don't know what I would do without them on days like today! 

Stay warm friends and if you, like me, have a rough go when it's this frigid out- take it easy on yourself.   

Please Stop This Ride, I Want to Get Off.

     It's been an exhausting week.  We haven't been overly busy at work but it's still a lot.  Sales are down which means those on the mountain-top reevaluated my payroll and decided to eliminate the only non-management full time position on my roster yesterday.  She's a very nice lady and we've worked together for over 10 years now.  It's was SO hard to have to tell her that per position had been eliminated- but I am sure it was much harder to be on the receiving end.  Once I finish homework this weekend I am going to have to spend some time working on the new division of responsibilities for the store.

     That was the end of the week.  The rest of the week was a medical pain in the backside.  Every morning I wake up more and more swollen and without the anti-inflammatory.  The amount of time that I am stiff is getting longer too.  Another effect of the lack of anti-inflammatory is that the bulging discs in my neck have pinched a nerve.  That means that if I spend any length of time looking down (like- at a keyboard) I go numb from my left TMJ to my finger tips and I have a heavy ache from my shoulder to my elbow.  It's hard to lift anything or even wear my backpack when it constantly feels like you are poking a heavy bruise. 

     My title today is Please Stop This Ride, I Want to Get Off.  If I were in the medical field it might be fascinating how interconnected all of these systems of the body are and how treating one thing leads to another or having one illness leads to another.  Being the recipient of the constant new diagnosis and treatment, on the other hand, is not fun, not interesting and is getting entirely too old. I am 51 years old and just cannot imagine another 20 or so years of compounding illnesses.  If things stayed status quo, I could come to terms with it- but I feel like I am on a roller coaster, slowly climbing to the top of the hill, inching closer and closer until...WOOSH, the bottom drops out and down we go, screaming to the bottom only to start it again.  I used to love roller coasters- until my life became one.  Maybe just a break, until I finish school, would be enough.   I wonder if that could  happen? 

Oh well- the weather outside is horrific (low 40's and intermittent torrential downpours today, dropping sharply tonight and bringing in 3-6" of snow with it overnight) so today's a good day to stay home, nap, do homework, and make a nice beef stew for dinner.  NO need to get out in this weather.  Be safe everyone!   
       

School Is Back In Session!

     Today is the first day of the Spring term.  I am having a bit of "What in the world did I get into?" this morning that actually started last night when I opened my Geography textbook.  In reading the opening, I am interested in the Human Geography portion but that is the minor part of this course- this is essentially Earth Science- which I haven't even thought about since I took the class in high school in 1982.    The only part that piqued my interest is climate change.  I am woefully ignorant about the science behind it so that will be interesting.  The hard part- it's all online and not a....motivating subject for this non-sciency (yes, I made that up!) girl.  

On the bright side- I am very much looking forward to my Communications Law and Public Relations Writing courses this term, both of which start today.  One is my lunch, the other starts at 6pm.  In Comm Law we have a major term project that will require us to do a Freedom Of Information Act request.  It's a group project (ugh) and so we will have to agree on a subject but that should be interesting.  In PR Writing, our term will center on all aspects of PR writing for a single company/organization of our choice pending approval.  One would think the layup would be doing it for work but the fly in that ointment is- I don't want to be treated any differently than any other transfer student by my professors or fellow students so I don't mention my job in class unless directly asked or recognized. 

Healthwise, I am worn smooth out because of the current schedule but more- my body goes back and forth with swelling and pain due to the lack of anti-inflammatories.  I told someone the other day that it would take less time to say what DOESN'T hurt than outline what does.  I am also struggling with eating for my ulcer.  I really, really miss tomatoes and second thing I miss is chocolate.  Friday night was Jim's birthday and it took me almost 2 hours to find a restaurant that he would eat at and that I could eat.  It's not as restrictive as some- and I shouldn't complain at all compared to what my dearest friend just went through ( totally restricted elimination diet)- but as someone who cooks a lot with tomatoes, vinegars, cruciferous veggies and whole milk- it kind of stinks. 

My List for this week is what I am most happy about right now.  I will work on that after homework tonight. SO-  Count your blessings today and think about what makes you happy.  It's time so it's AWAY WE GO!  

Back to School Rush time- again and again

   Another Back-to-School Rush is in full swing.  For me that means working every day through the 12th.  Of course, now that I am a student as well, it also means getting my head straight for learning as well as busting my cookies in the store.  Last term I took my first Hybrid course.  That means that we meet one day a week on campus and the rest is online.  I much preferred that to fully online classes because that one day face-to-face allows for the immediate questions and answers that I need to feel like I am going in the right direction.

    Spring is a slower time for the store so I am going to attempt to take three classes this semester- one face to face, one hybrid and one online.  What that will require is a lot of discipline on my part.  It will also require that I manage my energy levels to the nth degree. 

    The challenge to that lies not only in the Fibro and RA but some things that cropped up within the last few months.  I was very sick in the Fall - the recurrence of Bronchitis and Pneumonia was a multi-month process and left me beyond exhausted.  When I didn't bounce back my doctor did blood work and discovered that I had developed severe anemia.  Combined with the acid reflux I have been fighting for years now, I ended up at the GI doc who diagnosed GERD just by looking at me and my history and then went a step further.  A few weeks ago I had an endoscopy and he found a big old linear ulcer to top it off that he felt was caused by so many years of NSAIDS.  So now- they have pulled me off the NSAIDS, added lots of iron, doubled the Prilosec in the morning and added RX strength Zantac at night.  It's a lot but my energy level has *almost* righted itself but I am hopeful.  I just have to work with not being on anti-inflammatories.  We are also in the process of changing my RA drug but that's another saga for another time. 

     In the meantime- wish me lots of energy as I tackle these classes this term.  It's one step closer to being done with my degree!  Until next time, I hope your weekend is filled with blessings. 

     

Looking back at 2018- Looking forward to 2019

     2018 was a real roller-coaster.  As I sat there on New Year's Eve reflecting on the past 365 days, I realized just how up and down it went.  If I needed further confirmation, it was the dozen or so posts that I had sitting as drafts that I deleted to clean up my year.  2018 also seemed to fly by like a Supertrain bound from Boston to New York.  I cannot believe we are already in a new year. 

     I waited a day in order to give myself time to really think about all of this- and fortunately I had all of yesterday to make notes at my leisure as I sent the husband up to South Bend for the NHL Winter Classic.  He's a HUGE Boston Bruins fan and I got him a ticket for his birthday.  He went solo because Hockey is not my thing and it's not a huge sport out this way.  He was very content to make the 4.5 hour (each way) drive in order to see his favorite team in Notre Dame stadium and I was content to stay home with the pups and set my desks up for next semester, get a little housework done and pamper myself at my leisure. 

     In reflection- here is what I realized.  In 2018, I allowed myself to get so caught up in school, work, and more emerging health issues that I lost time with some important things.    I didn't spend enough time with my parents, my only writing was for school and rather than fight my illnesses, I just let them wash over me and take me directly into a pity party.  When I am in the throes of that mindset, I withdraw and "deal with it" (without dealing with it) solo because the only pity I want is my own.  Silly isn't it?  It takes something jarring to pull me out of my own head and thankfully, the end of the year did the trick.  That said, I did have some real highlights in visiting Josh and his family for a week, and yet another fun haunt season. 

     In looking forward to 2019, I am not making resolutions. Everyone knows we don't make it 6 weeks with resolutions so instead I am setting goals.

1-  I will address the new issue of a big old ulcer and the resulting anemia head on.  This means diet and taking the yukky medication as directed- no matter how hard it is.

2-  I will do my best to schedule my school work in a manageable schedule.    I have three classes in Spring and more than likely 2 in Fall and I will not procrastinate the homework but schedule time within my day to complete it without being overwhelmed.

3- To that end, I will work to achieve a work-life balance that includes time for self-care in addition to downtime to rest and recharge.  These are things I am not always good at even though I know they are beneficial to both mind and body.

4.  I will make it a point to spend more time with my family- be it Jim and the pups or my parents.  None of us will be around forever and we need to enjoy the time we have.  I also know I have a week with the entire family in June and I will savor it. 

5.  I am going to take 30 minutes a day for reflection and devotion.  I have my early mornings that I am essentially listening to the tube and playing games while my body catches up with my mind waking up and it will be easy enough to "schedule in" 30 minutes.  I will either meditate, write here, write in my journal or my "52 Lists for Happiness" workbook- anything to help get my head on straight to be able to start the day with a clear mind. 

     One "tradition" that I have been considering that I am going to incorporate into this year is a focus word but you know me- I can't just ease into anything so I chose two.  My two words for 2019 are: 

Kindness

Gratitude 

    To practice Gratitude, I am going to start by the simple act of saying "Thank You" to those who matter.  To practice kindness, I am going to begin by really listening and thinking before I speak; measuring my thoughts and reframing with kindness before I reply.  As someone who can be very blunt and sarcastic- that will be the toughest beginning but I am going to commit to it.    

On that note- Thank YOU- for your support for all of these years and for taking time out of your day to read this blog.  I appreciate your comments here and on Twitter and that you've stuck with me through the tough times and the good times.  I hope your 2019 is truly blessed.  

     

How That Hopeful Day Panned Out

     I wanted to wait long enough to see how things would settle before I did an update because thus far, each day has been different.  Ten days ago, my pain management doctor did a series of facet injections on my right lumbar region.  I was given the option of choosing which side and as my right has always been significantly worse than any other area of my body, that was my choice.  When I arrived that day, even with my meds on board my pain level was between a 7 and 8.

The nurses checked me into a screened room in the recovery area, checked my vitals, and then took me back to the procedure room.  As I lay face-down on the table, they cleaned my back with antiseptic and Dr. Habimana, using an x-ray for guidance, gave me several shots of anesthesia in the areas in which there would be shots.  The anesthesia was a quick pinch and then not a lot of feeling on the skin.  Next came the injection.  It is my understanding that the injection was a mix of an anesthetic and a steroid.  The anesthetic to numb the nerves and the steroid for inflammation.  The upper two shots were not bad, just a little pressure as the fluid went in.  If you've ever had a cortisone injection- it was pretty similar, just felt like several times the amount.  I say felt- because I don't know for sure, I just know the amount of pressure and time vs a cortisone injection.

The final injection was directly into the area that has been most painful for years.  I try to be pretty stoic when it comes to things like this and to breath through it ( I mean, if I can sit through 8 tattoos and still want more, what's another needle or two? ) but this hurt like all hell.  I was holding on to the table for dear life and in my head I made up several new swear-word combinations.   My entire body tensed but they talked me through it and soon it was over.  They wiped down my back and applied bandaids and helped me off the table and into a wheel chair then took me back to my recovery area.  I had to wait 30 minutes to ensure I didn't have an adverse reaction and because it's been several months they wanted a routine drug test so they filled my ever-present thermos cup with ice and water and I sat and read until they let me go.  When I left, I would say my pain level was down to a 3- which was amazing! Other than feeling numb, I was fine and was able to drive home.

My after care instructions say to rest for 24-48 hours, not to remove the bandaids for 24 hours, no strenuous activity for 3-4 weeks after the final series of shots and continue normal med routines.  Easy enough to follow and so I went home and rested.  I was pretty numb for the better part of 24 hours.  Once that wore off, I felt like I had a MASSIVE bruise for several days but it wasn't unbearable.  By Monday night even that was wearing away.  Since then I have taken a yoga-ish class, walked longer and farther than in 2 or so years and more.  As long as I take time through out the day to stretch, I am better than I have been in years.  My pain level sits at a solid 2 and I feel like a new person.  I cannot wait to go back on Tuesday and have the left side done.

One very interesting thing that I have learned in this process.  When you are focused on pain in one area, everything else seems minimal.  Once that pain is neutralized- well, the other areas say "HEY! We're still here!".  I thought to myself "Whoa- I knew my left side, shoulders, hips etc hurt-but not as bad as this!"  It's been an eye opener but I am so, so glad I did it and I look forward to seeing how long this works.  I know it's a temporary fix, but I will take it because I am so, so very grateful for the reprieve.

Have a lovely Sunday!

Today is a hopeful day

     Today I am heading in to my Pain Management doctor for Facet Injections.  We discussed Radiofrequency Ablation so I don't know if she will add that on as well, I will ask when I get in but if I weren't hopeful that this will bring some relief from the relentless lower back pain, I wouldn't even have made the appointment. 

     I am at the point in my journey with  my lower back that standing for too long hurts, walking too far hurts, sitting too long hurts.  I have 5 "bad discs" in my back.  In the cervical area I have 2 bulging and one herniated.  In my lower back - one bulging and one herniated.  It's been this way for a very, very long time.  I also have arthritis all through my back.  The chiropractor that I saw took X-rays and said that I had the back of an 80-year old.  That was in the Summer of 2013 when I was 45/46.  He tried to treat me but after weeks of 2x a week treatments including adjustments, massage and acupuncture, he concluded that it was not working and sent me for the MRI that discovered the disc issues.  Last year I went to the Spine center and they said that the arthritis was getting worse and my spine is curving.  It's starting to curve like a backward S. Conservative treatment- my treatment of choice- is Lidocaine patches for pain. They help a bit, but don't take away the pain enough to function so today's visit is the next step. 

Here are my hopes:

•      I hope that I can attend a yoga class that I found this summer
•      I hope that I can walk Auggie farther than around the Cul-De-Sac
•      I hope that I can train Fenway this summer (she HATES the leash) so that I can walk her too.
•      I hope that by walking and doing yoga I can strengthen my lungs and body enough to go hiking through Clifty Falls State Park again.
• I hope that I can regain the energy that I have sorely missed.  

It's a lot to hope for, but hope is all that I can have going in.  I know that no matter which procedure we do, once the anesthesia wears off I am in for a world of pain before the treatment kicks in.  Both facet injections and RFA information online from patients who have been through it say that it can be days of multiplied pain while the medication (anesthesia and steroids) for the facet injection or the "burning off" (the best way I can describe it) of the nerve endings settles for the RFA.  Thankfully the procedure is this morning, it should only take an hour or so and then I can come home and rest until Monday.  The only thing on my plate this weekend is an appointment with my adviser for school tomorrow and then I can come back home and go back to my bed for the next few days if needed.  The irony is that the official literature also says that there is a need to take it easy  and "you can return to your normal activities" after 24 hours.  Conflicting info so I am going to err on the side of caution.  

     In the meantime, while she's doing her thing back there I am just going to repeat my hopes over and over as I breathe through it.  In case you are curious- here's a video of my doctor explaining Radiofrequency Ablation.  Wish me luck!  

Arthritis Today and Life Lessons

     I am incredibly honored that Arthritis Today magazine chose me to be one of their Voices for the Arthritis Awareness Month issue.  The question they asked was: 

What Has Having Arthritis Taught You? 

   You can see my reply in the link above.  They gave us parameters but I could have gone on for days.   I never imagined that, on the fateful day that my LPN looked at me and said "We are going to run some tests but I am pretty sure that you have Rheumatoid Arthritis" that my life would change so significantly just as related to that statement.  It was like diving off of a cliff and hoping that I don't hit the reef.  Before my diagnosis I had never been cognizant of RA, even though I later found out that my Great Aunt lived a very long life with RA.  So, beyond my official reply, here are a few of the things I have learned.  

•  Body parts can permanently distort all on their own.  When I was diagnosed, I felt relatively "normal".  Now, I look down at my hands and my index fingers are rotating in toward my middle finger and my pinkies don't straighten and if I straighten my hands, the pinkies don't come in with the rest of the fingers any longer.  My feet are the opposite- my little toes and the next one are beginning to rotate out and the next is also bending inward.  I don't like the word "deform" but that's what's beginning to happen.  The positive part of the lesson is- it doesn't hurt, it just "is".  
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• One illness can become two-three-four or more.  It's been a very, very hard lesson to learn as I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, then Degenerative Disc Disease and then Rheumatoid Lung Disease.  I have been very open with the fact that beginning with DDD I started asking "What could possibly be next?" Each one has taken longer and  been harder to deal with, both mentally and emotionally.  The positive part of the lesson is- I did manage to wrap my head around them and continue to be productive even when I felt like just crawling in my bed for a while.   
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• Health insurance is a bear to navigate.  Prior to 2005 I only used my medical insurance for routine things like annual physicals and OBGYN visits or the occasional illness or accident.  After RA- well, insurance has been and continues to be a learning experience. Am I the only one who remembers when you went to the doctor or the hospital and received one bill?  Now the bills are endless as they come from the facility, the doctor, the lab etc.  At some point, I may just figure out the rhyme or reason, but by then it will probably change.  The positive part of the lesson is- I am still currently able to work to afford my health insurance and the co-pays and balances.  
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• There are all sorts of treatments we can try before we get to something drastic.  This is a HUGE positive. Though I have been resistant (okay, let's be honest-I've been downright pissy) about having to go the Pain Management  route, next week the doctor is going to either do Radiofrequency Ablation on my lower back or, if it's not viable, give me a big fat epidural.  One of these two should give me some relief from the relentless pain.  I would LOVE to have the whole summer without back pain.  That would let me work with Fen on leash training (she HATES walking on a leash) and take Auggie for walks as well.  I haven't been able to do that in a long time.  At the moment, around the cul de sac is about as far as we can go.  Epidural would last, possibly a few months.  RFA can last 6 months to a year.  How hopeful is THAT! Should I be one of those anomolies that the treatements for whom the treatments don't work, I think it will be time to start looking into holistic remedies.  I know that acupuncture works for a week or so.  Maybe I will check and see how much a package of treatments cost.  There's a float center being built as I type.  Josh says that floating is better than massage for relaxing the muscles and joints and I still have to gift certificates from Jim for Christmas to use.  Perhaps that's the way to go next?    

 That's just a few of the things I have learned but the biggest lesson of all is gratitude.  When I was diagnosed there was no way that I would have seen the positives in these lessons so easily.  Now, I actively look for it so that I can be grateful.  It helps me navigates the stresses, it keeps me from spiraling into depression and helps me get out of my head when I am feeling overwhelmed and it allows me to see how very blessed I am despite my difficulties.  I am the first to admit that I am still learning gratitude every day but I am working the journey as best I can and I can see what a difference it's made for me.  

Now I pose the question to  you- what have your difficulties- be it RA or another challenge- what have they taught you?  

Happy Birthday Maya Angelou

Just a quick hit and run post this morning.  I start each morning on my Facebook page with a quote that reflects what I am thinking about for the morning.  Dr. Maya Angelou wrote many things that I find inspiring and I find that I am often drawn to her writing when looking for just that quote that stirs me.  On this day, which would have been her 90th birthday, I found this quote which applies to so many of us with chronic illnesses:

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

― Maya Angelou

I hope each of you rises above your challenges today and takes strength in knowing you are not alone.  

Catching Up?

It's been a very, very long time since I've had the brain capacity or energy to have much to say.  Between work and school I have been running a bit ragged but today is an actual FREE day!  I have no homework, laundry folding is on the schedule but we decided to cancel our plans and not to go out today so we can just get some housework done at a leisurely pace and then hubby is going to grill steak tips that have been marinating in a sesame ginger marinade since last night.  So- that means I have time to sit, look at this blank page and think about what I have to say. 

First, let's catch up! 

As far as school goes, in the Fall term I took a KICK ASS stage makeup class.  I loved it and learned so much!  I also took a professional writing class- which was good too.  I made it out with an A in both classes. 

This term is tougher.  I am taking a Research Writing course that is kicking my butt.  I don't know if it's because it's online and I do better face to face or because I just am not getting what the professor expects but if I make it out with a B I will be grateful.  I am also taking a Visual Communication class.  I really like it but it's challenging as all get out.  I am FAR better with the written word than I am visually.  I am not very artistic and you need an artistic eye to design ad, newspaper layouts and (my current project) magazine spreads.  But- I love learning the different programs.  We are working with InDesign and just easing into Photoshop with the latest assignment.  The next two assignments will be a video and a website- that means more programs to learn!  Knowing my limitations, I am hoping for a B in this class too. 

I am very much looking forward to my Summer terms as well.  In the first half of Summer I am taking a Horticulture class which is also a lab and all online that should mean planting at my house so it's win-win.  My full Summer class is the one I've been waiting for- Social Media Strategy.  I can't wait to get my hands in this one. 

As for my RA and stuff- my insurance decided to no longer approve Actmra.  Since the ONLY drug I have left that we haven't tried is Xeljans, my doc decided to go back to the beginning.  The very first drug I was on, in 2005 when I was diagnosed, was Plaquenil.  She put me back on that three months ago now and I really don't see much of a difference.  Then again- that's the story of my life and why I have been through all of the DMARDS and Biologics.  I never respond.  On the other hand, that's also why my plasma is in demand- my RF and Anti-CCP levels have been through the roof since day one.  That said, I am very, very lucky and I know it.  My body knows it's under attack and my labs show it, but I am doing okay with it.  Other than occasionally needing my cane or bracing, and not being able to walk far because of my back, I am managing.  I wish I could exercise regularly to get rid of the weight gain from 2 years on Prednisone and not being able to do my long walks any longer, but I do what I can. 

My Rheumatologist also referred me to Pain Management.  Because of the opiod crisis, many of the doctors in this area are no longer writing scripts for pain meds and are sending us to pain management.  While I get it- they don't want to be responsible and it cuts down on places that the addicts can go to get meds- it's another DOUBLE added expense for patients.  I have to pay a co-pay to walk into the hospital where it's housed AND a co-pay for the doctor to see me for less than 15 minutes since I am stable.  That is utter crap.  I vacillate between wanting to say to heck with it and go off meds completely and sucking it up, but it still makes me mad.  However- the Pain Management specialist offered up treatment options for my back.  I think next visit I will as if a pretreatment can be done for the least invasive and see what my insurance would pay.  If it will allow me to be without pain in my back for a while, it might be worth it. 

What about you?  What's new in your life?  How are you feeling?  

Four Weeks and Counting- AKA #Overwhelmed

  Well, we are 7 weeks into school, 4 weeks in to Haunt season and work is work is work.  Add in PT appointments and hubby taking a second job and I am feeling #Overwhelmed.

Oh, I know- it's my own fault.  I have taken this on myself.  Work is always work.  The only thing that changes is how much payroll I have to work with.  Haunt season is, of course, my favorite time of the year, and I am the one who decided to go back and finish my degree.  Hubby- on the other hand, realizes that if he's going to be in a bowling league and hang out with his friends he needs to have disposable income so he took a part-time gig at Lowes, where he quite enjoyed working and would still be had it not been for the money.

Work, in most sectors these days but especially in retail, is very much about controlling expenses.  The easiest way to control expenses is through payroll.  The Catch-22 is that the work does not stop or lessen.  So we do more with less.  It's a strain, it's stress, it's just a lot.

School is actually rather enjoyable when we don't factor in my "other" role on campus.  I love learning, I love being in a classroom.  It's hard to balance that I am representative of the "Big Bad Bookstore" and being a regular student.   I have to listen to the complaints as to how awful it is that we charge SO much - when we don't set the prices and I spend hours and hours looking for the lowest price options.  It can be a strain to sit there and take it and not speak up.  However, eventually, the students forget and I am just another student.  After the students forget- the prof's don't necessarily do so.  I don't mind working closely with them to ensure that they have what they need.  I enjoy building the relationship, but I am still a student first in the classroom and would like to get rid of the distraction of being "the Bookstore Manager" when I am in class.

Haunt Season makes my heart happy.  I know it's silly.  I know it's...unusual.  But I get to be another person, I get to give people a thrill.  People come to haunted houses because they either want to be scared or someone drags them.  Either way, for just a few minutes, I add to their experience and it's SO much fun.  I don't have enough time to tell you all the stories but we get a lot of laughs.  It feeds the acting bug without having to give up my life to be an "actor" and I am allowed to have a lot of creative freedom and latitude.  Thankfully it's only 8 weeks of regular work because I am tired.  So, very tired.  Thankfully I have Sundays to rest up.

Jim taking on an extra job is not that big a deal.  It's exhausting for him but it's his choice.  The only reason it affects me is that I have more flexibility and we have the two dogs.  So that they are not stuck in the house alone all day, I have to go to work at 7am, take an hour for lunch and go home and let the pups out then head back to work and/or school Monday through Thursday.  On school days I am at work 7-4 (with my lunch) and then in class 4:15-7:15.  On the other two days, I am at work 7-6:30 or 7 with my lunch.  I do this so I can get out early on Friday to go to the haunt and because by Friday I am exhausted and need to nap.  It also allows me to book my appointments and such on Fridays and not mess up my regular schedule.  It just makes for very long days.

PT is...interesting.  The Spine doctor says that I have arthritis in 80% of my spine and that have 5 discs that are in bad shape.  The goal with PT is to get my loose enough to function.  Currently, we are using traction twice a week, ultrasound and trigger point massage.  The massage feels amazing.  The ultrasound feels good too.  Traction is not so fun- but it's making a difference.  My range of motion is better.  I only wish that I could have trigger point done every day.  We have another week or so of this then I will be on my own till I am back to the spine doctor.

All of this is manageable on their own but together I am a big ball of stress.  Four more weeks.  Then haunt season will be over (sad sigh) and I will be able to take back my weekends.  It will be both sad and a relief.  Until then, I plug on and on and make it through and make plans for a lot of self-care when it's over.

Hope you all are well.

Testing. 1..2..3..Testing

One of the less fun sides of both chronic illness AND ageing is all of the tests that we have to endure.  Most of us with RA have to have blood work routinely.  With Degenerative Disc and Rheumatoid Lung, it's X-rays/MRI's/ Breathing tests etc.

Then there's ageing.  I turned 50 last month which means that in addition to routine blood work, the always pleasant Mammogram, and "female" testing I was given the gift of a Colonoscopy.

This week has been rough.  I had an appointment on Sunday for a deep periodontal scaling -thanks lowered immune system!  I haven't had a cavity since the 90's but even with taking care of my teeth, my lowered immune system opens me up to periodontal infections.  I recently lost three back teeth due to this and we have to do whatever we can to keep the rest.

Tuesday I went to the Spine Center to follow up on the DDD.  The x-rays show "multilevel degenerative disc disease."  The C3-C7 show thinning, spurring and "subluxation" which essentially means that my neck is bending the opposite way that it should.  The last MRI in 2014 showed that two of those discs were bulging.  The lower back showed that the L4-S1 are thinning, have spurs and show signs of "Dextro scoliosis".  In addition, both areas have lots and lots of hereditary (thanks Gran!) arthritis with the L5-S1 looking like cotton candy instead of nice and crisp.  That explains a lot of the constant pain.  I don't want to add more meds and still refuse narcotics so we are being conservative.  That means it's back to PT for measurement for a cervical brace and dry needling and adding Lidocaine patches 12 hours a day.  In two months, I go back and if we haven't seen any improvement it will be another MRI, a lower back brace and on from there.
Tomorrow is the dreaded Colonoscopy.  This is my first and hopefully, I won't need one for a long time.  Also hopefully, the prep is worse than the test.  I am not going into the prep, I will just say that it's not fun.  Fortunately, I have the time needed to take today off for the prep and tomorrow off for the test.

Next week- it's back to the Rheumy for routine blood work.

As I sit here and reflect on this week and psych myself up for tomorrow I have to think about the medical costs.  I am so very grateful that Barnes & Noble Education takes good care of its employees in terms of the insurance it offers to us. I have a co-pay for visits, a reasonable deductible and then pay about 20% for the rest of the year.   Even with good insurance, those costs add up!  I just cannot imagine what someone who did not have insurance would have to pay out of pocket for all of these procedures and tests.  I completely understand how medical bills can bankrupt a family.  It makes me incredibly sad that in a nation such as ours, this can be allowed to happen.  But that's a post for another time.

Be well, my friends.  Be well and get whatever tests your doc feels is necessary.  Though they are expensive and time-consuming, they will help head off any nasty surprises.  

Reclaiming Things I Surrendered To RA

     Over the years I can think of many, many things that I have given up to RA.  Exercise, good wine, being able to plan.... But this weekend I reclaimed something.  It was small but it felt like a victory.

 Growing up on Air Force bases, the Bowling Alley is often the hub of social activities.  We kids hung out there as teens, my MIL worked at one- you get the idea.  For many years my husband's family was a family of bowlers.  Marrying in, it was natural that I join the teams.  Though I enjoy bowling, I was never as hyper competitive as the in-laws so after years of bowling with them, I took a break for a few years then joined some friends for a "fun" league where I did exponentially better than with the pressure of serious competition.
Just about the time I was at my peak- I was diagnosed with RA.  My onset began in my hands and feet.  Feet that felt like I had run a marathon upon waking and hands that were in claws when I woke and ached all day meant that one of the first things that fell by the wayside was my fun league.

I haven't given a thought to even picking up a ball in a dozen years. That's not true.  I've thought about it- and immediately dismissed it because of my hands.  We even got rid of my Micky Mouse decorated ball and matching shoes when we moved out to So. IN 10 years ago.

Well- last week hubby came home from his bowling night and said to me "So- after haunt season you're going  to bowl with me on Friday nights."  I looked at him as if he had lost his mind and said "Oh AM I?  I haven't picked up a ball in years!"  He then sweetened the pot the next day.  "If you do, I will buy you this Patriot's bowling ball and gear"  I laughed because he knows my sweet spot and agreed to talk about it.  After considering it, I told him we would have to give it a shot because between the RA and the acrylics I pay good money for (Vanity- thy name is woman!) I didn't know if I could do it.  We contacted my dad because he enjoys a good game and agreed to go this past weekend.

And so we did.  I wasn't great.  The old back doesn't allow me to move the way I did when I was bowling regularly and I was very hesitant- but I broke 100 so I was pleased.  Hubby looked at Dad after my first strike and said "Guess I am buying a ball!"  We only bowled one game because a group of people with ZERO etiquette was put on the lane next to us and essentially crowded us out so we will have to go again and bowl three games as if a normal league play so I can see if I can do it, but I enjoyed it and am considering his request.

So take THAT RA!  You don't necessarily get to keep the things you took from me!