Happy St. Patrick's Day!

    Happy St. Patrick's Day friends!  As someone who spent 25 years working in the hospitality industry (hotels, restaurants, bars) St. Patrick's day was nothing more than one of the several Amateur Night's per year to make some decent money.  What's an amateur night you ask?  That's the night that all of those people that rarely get out head to the bars to get their drink on.  New Year's Eve, St. Patrick's Day, Thanksgiving Eve up north (It's reunion night for all coming home), and lesser so- Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend, Fourth of July weekend.  Every server and bartender that I know is aware that those nights are a totally different animal of customer and tips could be through the roof or through the floor.  We also know that if we aren't working- you won't catch us on the road with so many drunk drivers because we don't know that customer and for all we know it could take half the alcohol of a more....seasoned customer. 

Things changed for me a few years ago in terms of St. Patrick's Day.  My Daddy was adopted as a child, something that's never been made a big thing in our family.  I was diagnosed with all of these stupid illnesses, something that I try not to make too big a deal of within the family.  Then Ancestry DNA and 23 & Me came to be.  This was just around the time that Josh became a real adult and got serious about a lovely girl.  Even though she already has two kiddos and they don't plan on having any more, I started to wonder where Dad really came from and what my DNA could pass on to Josh and any potential progeny.  Yes- I am very well aware that RA is not necessarily hereditary, but what else was percolating in there?  So- I did BOTH tests.  I both to see if they matched- because I am persnickety like that- and the did to the nth degree. 

The traits matched me on almost every level, which was surprising but cool.  The health side was all great news (only one matched variant out of all of them) so that was a relief. The surprise was my heritage.  I am literally that Ancestry DNA commercial.  We thought we were German, German and more German.  Both sides traced back generations.  Nope.  Not even close.  We shall blame Dad for this- since Mama's side is actually traced back to Prussia, but my DNA shows that I am almost 50% Irish and British and only 15-20% German!  So now- St. Patrick's day is my holiday too!  Of course- it will never, ever top Halloween, but I am claiming it none-the-less.  Of course, my dear husband who claims lots of Irish in his heritage, still won't let me make Corned Beef and Cabbage even though I have always loved it because he cannot stand the smell.  *Funny memory* his Mom used to make Corned Beef and Cabbage for herself, Josh and I,  and if the family wanted to complain, they could go elsewhere for dinner.  Since none of the rest of them would eat it- they all scattered and we had a lovely dinner and leftovers.  She was a hoot- I miss that and her.

On that note, I am off to the grocery to get prepping for the week, then I have an assignment to write for my PR Writing Class and a test in Geography before my Sunday night shows.  Have a lovely St. Paddy's day and if you are heading out- be careful on the roads!

It's Been One Heck of A Challenging Year Already!

      Wow, is it really only March?  The best example I can give as to how this year has gone so far actually happened this week.  Yesterday morning, I woke up at one, fell back to sleep around 2 and at 3:30 Auggie was losing it to go outside, so back up I got and decided to stay up with them.  As I was standing there, waiting for my coffee to brew and waiting to bring the dogs back inside all I could think was "It's okay, it's Friday, tomorrow I can rest."  As I shuffled into my office, coffee up gripped with two hands because they are flaring, almost tripping over dogs who were jockeying for position with treats in their mouths, it suddenly dawned on me that it was only Tuesday.  It seems that after this month, 3-3:30 am is my "new normal" time to get up because I just naturally wake up and can only go back to sleep if I force it.  I think it's because I know that I can be productive as soon as I can get my hands, feet and hips loosened up and I have so much on my plate that I need the extra time in my life.  

    School has been an UBER challenge this semester.  I mentioned a few posts ago that I am taking three courses this semester.  Even though it will afford me a Summer vacation without worrying about taking finals (our biennial family reunion is the week of the first Summer semester finals) it has not only worn me out but shaken my confidence.  There's a joke that "C's get degrees" but every time I work on my Physical Geography course, I use it as my mantra.  I just should not have done this course online.  In addition to having an effect on my confidence and my GPA, it's also affected the time I've had to work on my other courses and that's showing as well.  I was very proud of the work I've done thus far, and I'm watching the house of cards fall.  I can only hope to get out of this term without too much damage and never take three tough courses in one semester again. 

     Naturally, there have been health challenges this year because when are there not?  I have had several rather painful flares.  Thinking about it objectively, I am going to say it's been a solid week -2 every month.  But wait- there's more! For quite some time I have been having issues with my skin.  I keep getting painful blisters on my scalp, which then burst and scab and come back again. Because it was on the scalp-  I thought maybe it was a reaction to colouring my hair, so I stopped that- and it still didn't go away. Then I thought maybe it was a reaction to the Plaquenil, so we took me off that.  When it didn't go away, back on it I went.  I've tried psoriasis shampoos, clarifying treatments, you name it- then it started to show up on my back and on my face and I gave up.  So now we add a Dermatologist to my arsenal of doctors when they see me next month.   I feel like I am collecting specialists at this point and honestly- if this is another offshoot of the RA, you will probably hear me scream from wherever you are. 

    Finally, a few weeks ago, on the day we did my store inventory,  my poor dad took a nasty fall.   He and his neighbor/bestie were carrying a 55" tv up the very steep stairs from his basement man cave because Mom bought him a new one for Valentines Day/their Anniversary and Geek Squad was scheduled to come out and install the new one.   Mr. Dan was up top, Dad down bottom. They were 4 steps from the top when somehow Mr. Dan either missed a step or slipped and both went "ass over teakettle" down the stairs.  They ended up with Dad on the bottom of the pile on his back, Mr Dan laying on top of him and the TV like a cherry on that sundae.  Mr. Dan was bruised and battered and had a cut on his forehead from the TV hitting him.  Dad had a fractured L2 vertebrae and a torn Achilles tendon.  As soon as Mom let us know that Dad had been taken to the hospital, Jim and I threw some things in a bag, threw the dogs in the cars and headed out.  It was a Saturday when the accident happened and I was fortunate enough to be able to stay through Monday to find out what was going to happen.  Dad was in the Ortho/Neuro unit at Deaconness Hospital Midtown through Wednesday and then they moved him over to the Rehab unit on the same floor.  They have spent the last 10 days or so teaching him to move with a brace on his back, use a walker and try out a knee scooter.  The brace will be with him until the fracture heals.  As for his Achilles, he has yet another MRI this morning and tomorrow will find out if they will do surgery or progressive casting to treat that.  As of now, he still can't put any weight on it without excruciating pain.  I just want him to get well.  They sprang him from inpatient care yesterday but he and Mom went to my Aunt's Mom's sister) house for the timebeing because he still can't get up the few stairs into their house because he is currently in a wheelchair until they begin treatment.  I know they really, really appreciate my Aunt opening her home to them but I am sure will both be very happy to get him home and back to some kind of normal. 

Are you tired yet?  I am tired just recapping all of this and it's time to get ready for work!  Please keep my Dad in your thoughts/ prayers in hope that he gets some relief soon and have a lovely, lovely day!     

School Is Back In Session!

     Today is the first day of the Spring term.  I am having a bit of "What in the world did I get into?" this morning that actually started last night when I opened my Geography textbook.  In reading the opening, I am interested in the Human Geography portion but that is the minor part of this course- this is essentially Earth Science- which I haven't even thought about since I took the class in high school in 1982.    The only part that piqued my interest is climate change.  I am woefully ignorant about the science behind it so that will be interesting.  The hard part- it's all online and not a....motivating subject for this non-sciency (yes, I made that up!) girl.  

On the bright side- I am very much looking forward to my Communications Law and Public Relations Writing courses this term, both of which start today.  One is my lunch, the other starts at 6pm.  In Comm Law we have a major term project that will require us to do a Freedom Of Information Act request.  It's a group project (ugh) and so we will have to agree on a subject but that should be interesting.  In PR Writing, our term will center on all aspects of PR writing for a single company/organization of our choice pending approval.  One would think the layup would be doing it for work but the fly in that ointment is- I don't want to be treated any differently than any other transfer student by my professors or fellow students so I don't mention my job in class unless directly asked or recognized. 

Healthwise, I am worn smooth out because of the current schedule but more- my body goes back and forth with swelling and pain due to the lack of anti-inflammatories.  I told someone the other day that it would take less time to say what DOESN'T hurt than outline what does.  I am also struggling with eating for my ulcer.  I really, really miss tomatoes and second thing I miss is chocolate.  Friday night was Jim's birthday and it took me almost 2 hours to find a restaurant that he would eat at and that I could eat.  It's not as restrictive as some- and I shouldn't complain at all compared to what my dearest friend just went through ( totally restricted elimination diet)- but as someone who cooks a lot with tomatoes, vinegars, cruciferous veggies and whole milk- it kind of stinks. 

My List for this week is what I am most happy about right now.  I will work on that after homework tonight. SO-  Count your blessings today and think about what makes you happy.  It's time so it's AWAY WE GO!  

Back to School Rush time- again and again

   Another Back-to-School Rush is in full swing.  For me that means working every day through the 12th.  Of course, now that I am a student as well, it also means getting my head straight for learning as well as busting my cookies in the store.  Last term I took my first Hybrid course.  That means that we meet one day a week on campus and the rest is online.  I much preferred that to fully online classes because that one day face-to-face allows for the immediate questions and answers that I need to feel like I am going in the right direction.

    Spring is a slower time for the store so I am going to attempt to take three classes this semester- one face to face, one hybrid and one online.  What that will require is a lot of discipline on my part.  It will also require that I manage my energy levels to the nth degree. 

    The challenge to that lies not only in the Fibro and RA but some things that cropped up within the last few months.  I was very sick in the Fall - the recurrence of Bronchitis and Pneumonia was a multi-month process and left me beyond exhausted.  When I didn't bounce back my doctor did blood work and discovered that I had developed severe anemia.  Combined with the acid reflux I have been fighting for years now, I ended up at the GI doc who diagnosed GERD just by looking at me and my history and then went a step further.  A few weeks ago I had an endoscopy and he found a big old linear ulcer to top it off that he felt was caused by so many years of NSAIDS.  So now- they have pulled me off the NSAIDS, added lots of iron, doubled the Prilosec in the morning and added RX strength Zantac at night.  It's a lot but my energy level has *almost* righted itself but I am hopeful.  I just have to work with not being on anti-inflammatories.  We are also in the process of changing my RA drug but that's another saga for another time. 

     In the meantime- wish me lots of energy as I tackle these classes this term.  It's one step closer to being done with my degree!  Until next time, I hope your weekend is filled with blessings. 

     

Looking back at 2018- Looking forward to 2019

     2018 was a real roller-coaster.  As I sat there on New Year's Eve reflecting on the past 365 days, I realized just how up and down it went.  If I needed further confirmation, it was the dozen or so posts that I had sitting as drafts that I deleted to clean up my year.  2018 also seemed to fly by like a Supertrain bound from Boston to New York.  I cannot believe we are already in a new year. 

     I waited a day in order to give myself time to really think about all of this- and fortunately I had all of yesterday to make notes at my leisure as I sent the husband up to South Bend for the NHL Winter Classic.  He's a HUGE Boston Bruins fan and I got him a ticket for his birthday.  He went solo because Hockey is not my thing and it's not a huge sport out this way.  He was very content to make the 4.5 hour (each way) drive in order to see his favorite team in Notre Dame stadium and I was content to stay home with the pups and set my desks up for next semester, get a little housework done and pamper myself at my leisure. 

     In reflection- here is what I realized.  In 2018, I allowed myself to get so caught up in school, work, and more emerging health issues that I lost time with some important things.    I didn't spend enough time with my parents, my only writing was for school and rather than fight my illnesses, I just let them wash over me and take me directly into a pity party.  When I am in the throes of that mindset, I withdraw and "deal with it" (without dealing with it) solo because the only pity I want is my own.  Silly isn't it?  It takes something jarring to pull me out of my own head and thankfully, the end of the year did the trick.  That said, I did have some real highlights in visiting Josh and his family for a week, and yet another fun haunt season. 

     In looking forward to 2019, I am not making resolutions. Everyone knows we don't make it 6 weeks with resolutions so instead I am setting goals.

1-  I will address the new issue of a big old ulcer and the resulting anemia head on.  This means diet and taking the yukky medication as directed- no matter how hard it is.

2-  I will do my best to schedule my school work in a manageable schedule.    I have three classes in Spring and more than likely 2 in Fall and I will not procrastinate the homework but schedule time within my day to complete it without being overwhelmed.

3- To that end, I will work to achieve a work-life balance that includes time for self-care in addition to downtime to rest and recharge.  These are things I am not always good at even though I know they are beneficial to both mind and body.

4.  I will make it a point to spend more time with my family- be it Jim and the pups or my parents.  None of us will be around forever and we need to enjoy the time we have.  I also know I have a week with the entire family in June and I will savor it. 

5.  I am going to take 30 minutes a day for reflection and devotion.  I have my early mornings that I am essentially listening to the tube and playing games while my body catches up with my mind waking up and it will be easy enough to "schedule in" 30 minutes.  I will either meditate, write here, write in my journal or my "52 Lists for Happiness" workbook- anything to help get my head on straight to be able to start the day with a clear mind. 

     One "tradition" that I have been considering that I am going to incorporate into this year is a focus word but you know me- I can't just ease into anything so I chose two.  My two words for 2019 are: 

Kindness

Gratitude 

    To practice Gratitude, I am going to start by the simple act of saying "Thank You" to those who matter.  To practice kindness, I am going to begin by really listening and thinking before I speak; measuring my thoughts and reframing with kindness before I reply.  As someone who can be very blunt and sarcastic- that will be the toughest beginning but I am going to commit to it.    

On that note- Thank YOU- for your support for all of these years and for taking time out of your day to read this blog.  I appreciate your comments here and on Twitter and that you've stuck with me through the tough times and the good times.  I hope your 2019 is truly blessed.  

     

How That Hopeful Day Panned Out

     I wanted to wait long enough to see how things would settle before I did an update because thus far, each day has been different.  Ten days ago, my pain management doctor did a series of facet injections on my right lumbar region.  I was given the option of choosing which side and as my right has always been significantly worse than any other area of my body, that was my choice.  When I arrived that day, even with my meds on board my pain level was between a 7 and 8.

The nurses checked me into a screened room in the recovery area, checked my vitals, and then took me back to the procedure room.  As I lay face-down on the table, they cleaned my back with antiseptic and Dr. Habimana, using an x-ray for guidance, gave me several shots of anesthesia in the areas in which there would be shots.  The anesthesia was a quick pinch and then not a lot of feeling on the skin.  Next came the injection.  It is my understanding that the injection was a mix of an anesthetic and a steroid.  The anesthetic to numb the nerves and the steroid for inflammation.  The upper two shots were not bad, just a little pressure as the fluid went in.  If you've ever had a cortisone injection- it was pretty similar, just felt like several times the amount.  I say felt- because I don't know for sure, I just know the amount of pressure and time vs a cortisone injection.

The final injection was directly into the area that has been most painful for years.  I try to be pretty stoic when it comes to things like this and to breath through it ( I mean, if I can sit through 8 tattoos and still want more, what's another needle or two? ) but this hurt like all hell.  I was holding on to the table for dear life and in my head I made up several new swear-word combinations.   My entire body tensed but they talked me through it and soon it was over.  They wiped down my back and applied bandaids and helped me off the table and into a wheel chair then took me back to my recovery area.  I had to wait 30 minutes to ensure I didn't have an adverse reaction and because it's been several months they wanted a routine drug test so they filled my ever-present thermos cup with ice and water and I sat and read until they let me go.  When I left, I would say my pain level was down to a 3- which was amazing! Other than feeling numb, I was fine and was able to drive home.

My after care instructions say to rest for 24-48 hours, not to remove the bandaids for 24 hours, no strenuous activity for 3-4 weeks after the final series of shots and continue normal med routines.  Easy enough to follow and so I went home and rested.  I was pretty numb for the better part of 24 hours.  Once that wore off, I felt like I had a MASSIVE bruise for several days but it wasn't unbearable.  By Monday night even that was wearing away.  Since then I have taken a yoga-ish class, walked longer and farther than in 2 or so years and more.  As long as I take time through out the day to stretch, I am better than I have been in years.  My pain level sits at a solid 2 and I feel like a new person.  I cannot wait to go back on Tuesday and have the left side done.

One very interesting thing that I have learned in this process.  When you are focused on pain in one area, everything else seems minimal.  Once that pain is neutralized- well, the other areas say "HEY! We're still here!".  I thought to myself "Whoa- I knew my left side, shoulders, hips etc hurt-but not as bad as this!"  It's been an eye opener but I am so, so glad I did it and I look forward to seeing how long this works.  I know it's a temporary fix, but I will take it because I am so, so very grateful for the reprieve.

Have a lovely Sunday!

50 for my 50th.

Today is my 50th birthday.  Today I am reflecting on my life, my goals, my bucket-list.  As part of my reflection, I have made 5 lists of 10 things that are on my mind.

Ten things I am grateful for in the big picture:

1-  I am grateful that I have a wonderful, loving family.  Parents, sisters, husband, my loving child, nieces, nephews and friends.  Family of my blood and heart- all of whom are terrific people.

2-  I am grateful that I have a good job that affords me health insurance and a decent living, good benefits and that, for the most part, I enjoy.

3-  I am grateful that I have two sweet, smart pups who love me unconditionally as much as I love them.  They are truly emotional support.

4-  I am grateful that I have a home to live in, with heat, air conditioning, clean water, a good bed, and  comfortable furniture that I can afford to pay for and that is safe and sound.

5-  I am grateful that my health has held out longer than initially expected.  The first Rheumatologist that I saw was sure that if we were not very aggressive in my treatment I would be in a wheelchair by 45.  Despite failing all of my treatments so far- I am still holding out and holding on.

6-  I am grateful that I have a love of books.  Books can not only educate you but take you to new worlds, open you up to new interests and shift your world view.

7-  I am grateful that I can afford food.  Not just to nourish my body but also to indulge my joy of cooking.  Experimenting in the kitchen, finding new flavor combinations or ways to manipulate those flavors into something that is delicious is incredibly satisfying.  Especially when someone you love enjoys what you produce.

8-  I am grateful that I have my quiet mornings.  While I could not get up and immediately get ready to go to work like a normal person, it's lead to my quiet mornings.  As part of my "new normal" I get up, have some coffee, see the sun come up, watch the news or something on the DVR and ease into the day.  Even on vacation I was normally the first up and managed a cup of coffee or two either alone or with my sister before things got hectic.  It just helps me start my day in a good head-space.

9-  I am grateful that I began this journey.  Even when I fall off for a while, I can go back and read what I have written and be right back on the road to living from gratitude.

10- I am grateful that we made the move to the mid-south 10 years ago.  I cannot imagine my life had we stayed in New England.  It would be so very different.

Ten things I know for sure:

1-  I know that living with chronic illness may not be something I would choose but not suffering from it IS my choice.

2-  I know that the idea of forgiveness is much easier than actually letting go of hurts.

3-  I know that taking weight of is exponentially harder than putting it on.

4-  I know that finding something that you love to do, no matter what it is and how many people roll their eyes at you about doing it, can bring you vast amounts of joy.

5-  I know that Random Acts of Kindness not only make you and the recipient feel good in the moment, but can also make you want to do more and more. They can be a love drug if you let them.

6-  I know that there are people who, no matter how much you do for them, always expect you to give and give without so much as a sincere thanks- and that's not your fault.

8-  I know that it's not only okay but healthy for your overall well-being to remove those toxic people from your life.

9-  I know that we can learn about love and compassion from our animals.

10- I know that we need to take care of ourselves mentally and emotionally if we wish to live happy lives.  

Ten things I just don't understand:

1-  I don't understand "isms"- Racism, Ageism, Sexism, Classism,  Lookism, Sizeism, Ableism, Nativism.  It makes no sense to me to judge people just by how they look or where they are from.

2-  I don't understand labeling.  I am a Gen X'er.  I am a Mom. I am Straight.  I am a Wife. I am Caucasian.  I am Female.  I am a Moderate Independent.  I am somewhat Disabled.  I am so many different labels- yet not one of them defines me.  I am more than each and every one of these labels and an amalgamation of them all.  Aren't you more than each of your many labels?

3-  I don't understand how people can harm those who are defenseless- children, animals, the infirm.  What has to be going on in their heads?

4-  I don't understand being hateful to perfect strangers online.  If you wouldn't say it face to face, how is it okay to say it online?

5-  I don't understand dividing our wonderful country by party lines.  Democrat and Republican are not epithets.  Neither are Liberal or Conservative.  Why are we not working for the good of ALL of the country- not just the party that we identify with?  What is best for our country is a sound economy, safe infrastructure, ecologically sound utilities, equal access to quality healthcare for all, and leading the world in research and technology.  It is to follow our founders when they said " We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness"  The rest of the stuff- who you worship, your race, your sexuality, your gender, your family makeup- not the business of the country.  

6-  I don't understand people who believe that rules and policies don't apply to them and will throw a fit if they don't get their way.

7-  I don't understand people who think that it's okay to make a "career" of stealing from others rather than working for what they want. Do they not get that the person they are stealing from did just that?

8-  I don't understand how an argument, a territory dispute, road rage can be worth taking a life.  Every day the news is filled with murder, shootings, stabbings and more.  Life is worth so much more- when did we become disposable?

9-  I don't understand higher Math and the Sciences.  STEM is not the way my brain works-and when it comes down to it, it makes me kind of dumb in those areas.   I am more creative but that being said- smarter minds thank mine are tasked with math and science, and I trust them in their fields.

10- I don't understand a lack of work ethic.  If someone is paying me to do a job- be it sweeping a floor, cleaning a toilet or running a multinational company, I am going to do my best.  I am going to take pride in the job I am doing and be the best floor sweeper/toilet cleaner/CEO that I can be.  I don't understand how people can take a paycheck and just show up.

Ten things I still want to do in my next decade:

1-  I will complete my education.  I am starting back with my first class next week.

2-  I will shed the weight that I need to lose.  It's a work in progress.

3-  I will still fight my body against my disabilities.  Even if it means just a walk around the block, as long as I am able to move, my illnesses don't win.

4-  I will write for publication.  Fiction, non, magazine articles, news- nothing can stop me from writing.

5-  I will journal to leave a legacy for my child and grandchildren.

6-  I will expand my horizons.  I will continue to try new hobbies and test my interests to see what sticks.

7-  I will go horseback riding when I am NOT on vacation.

8-  I will create multiple new haunt characters.

9-  I will continue to be an advocate and ally for those who need my voice.

10- I will learn to say no when I need to take time to be good to myself.

Ten things on my Bucket List:  

1-  I dream of spending 4-6 weeks in Europe

2-  I dream of chartering a yacht in the Mediterranean for a week or so.

3-  I dream of seeing the rest of the US.

4-  I dream of Winters where it's warm, Summers where it's less warm.

5-  I dream of writing a book that touches someone the way so many books that I love have touched me.

6-  I dream of walking another marathon.

7-  I dream of contributing to animal rescue in a significant way.

8-  I dream of  going on a photographic safari.

9-  I dream of swimming with dolphins.

10- I dream of contributing to my world in a way that will be remembered.  Not me- but the contribution.


Today, though just another day for most, I begin a new journey.

Finding Motivation

One of the issues I have been having is weight gain.  I come home at night SO tired that moving is the last thing that I want to do and in the morning it takes hours for the stiffness to subside enough to even go to work.  It weighs on me (see what I did there?) both physically and mentally.  I have struggled with my weight and  my perception of my weight for as long as I can remember.

This is me circa 1983.

This is the first time I remember struggling with my weight.  I had curves.  My beautiful friends- not so much.  If I was an hourglass, they were lolly-pops.  I had a belly, they did not.  I had pronounced hips, they did not.   I remember thinking "Wow, I am SO fat" more than once.  Okay, more like every day.   It's when I started dieting for the first time.

  Looking at this next picture, I think Josh was about 10 so this is me around 1997. While I was STILL dieting off and on, I was fairly satisfied with where I was in my journey.

This next picture is when either my youngest sister graduated from college or my Dad retired.  It is my favorite picture of me. I am truly smiling in this picture.  I am thrilled to be with my family and I look confident because I felt good about myself.  I actually liked the way I looked for a change.

Finally, this is me now.       Now, full-length mirrors are my nemesis.  I am at the highest weight I have ever been.  I know where my downfalls are.  I eat well- most of the day- then evening hits and I graze out of boredom.  Where I used to work two jobs on my feet and run all day long, I am mostly desk-bound these days because of my health.  I used to walk the dogs every night.  Now I come home exhausted  and with swollen feet and Auggie gets let out into the fenced yard to do his running.  So my movement has gone from overdrive to slowing to a crawl.  I am peri-menopausal so my metabolism is slowing down.  I KNOW all of this.

I know that it's contributing to my pain and it must go but what I also know is that when I think about having to shed up to 100 lbs, it's overwhelming and feels like an impossible dream.

A few weeks ago I was pointed in the direction of a video that I will share here.  Warning- there is some "language" in here that, while I am not offended, may offend some if you don't like swear words.




This is Mike Vacanti.  Mike is a personal trainer.  First glance judgement was "Oh please.  This kid is 25-30 (I nailed it- he was 28 in this video) without an ounce of fat.  He won't get what I am going through".  I was wrong.  I am sorry Mike!  The video targets us in the older generation.  Though he's a trainer and when he trains he goes full bore- he says that it's okay to start small.  The important thing is that you start and stick with it.  That was a light-bulb moment for me.  It's OKAY to start small.  It does make a difference!  Wait- what?  Using something I have around the house instead of going to the gym counts? Doing 10 reps instead of multiple sets counts?  Walking around my cul-de-sac and then collapsing makes a difference?  A trainer not telling me to get on my stationary bike till I am ready to fall over?  Revolutionary.

Mike trains clients online.  While I am not at a place now where I can hire him,  if I could I would in a heartbeat because I think he would understand my physical challenges and work with them.  Mike's website is full of articles and videos.  He's a huge proponent of counting macro-nutrients.  I have downloaded his app and am learning about what they are and how to count them.  I love that he's so blunt.  I love that he's realistic.  I love that he's not focused on the usual gym-rats, instead he spreads his message to everyone.  It lit a spark in me that will hopefully turn into a flame.  If you are interested in more of his message, you can find him here and on Facebook and Snapchat.  

 I am heading dead-heading into 50.  I will be 49 in a few weeks.  My goal is to get moving and shed ( don't say "lose" because that implies you can find it again!) at least half of my excess weight before my 50th birthday.  That's only roughly a pound a week.  If I start small-but am consistent, that should be manageable.  Maybe, just maybe,  I can get back to the girl in the 3rd picture- just with more wrinkles.

Perking up!

As I sit here this morning typing this, I have a 15 pound ball of love on my lap which, while it makes typing difficult, is a very sweet start to my morning. Auggie has spent most of the last three days either snuggled up on or next to me while Harley has not let me nap once without her. It is as if they knew that I was under the weather and wanted to give me comfort.

I am going back to work today. The fever finally broke last night. I woke up around 10:30pm with all of the covers off of me- which is a huge change from not being able to get warm enough. I got up, changed into lighter pj's and crawled back in bed with both pups at my feet. My ears are still clogged (throwing off my equilibrium) and I am still tired and achy but I am feeling well enough that I will take my Zicam with me and go in and try and catch up today.

I was reminded yesterday how very fortunate I am to have a job in which I am allowed an ample amount of sick time. The caveat here is that I doubt that I will be dipping into it for this week as I have quite a bit of comp time built up. There are many people who- if they had been as sick as I have been for the last few days- would have either had to dip into their hard earned vacations, have just not been paid at all or have risked losing their jobs altogether. I also was blessed with a revelation. I never-ever- thought I could be a stay at home wife. I thought I would be bored senseless. I have discovered that should our often hoped for lottery win happen any time soon, I could walk away from the working world with very little guilt and find contentment right in my home.

That means that this bout with a virus has given me two things to be grateful for. And now, it's time to get back to the "real world."