Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Positivity and Fear

I am almost afraid to type this blog.  I am almost afraid that I will jinx myself.    Here it goes.  I feel good.  I don't mean like a good day/bad day kind of good.  I mean like pre-Rheumatoid Arthritis good.  I should be celebrating, right? 

I waited- but it has been two weeks now that I have felt progressively better and better and for the last few days I have felt-dare I say it?- almost my old normal.  Yes- I have aches and pains, but those are almost all muscular.  The fibromylagia is, in fact, in full force right now.  This tells me two things.  The stress that I am dealing with right now did indeed trigger a fibro flare- and it did NOT trigger an RA flare (knock wood).  We have also had really weird weather- thirty degree swings each day and that has not triggered a flare.  That means I need to watch more closely to see what does trigger my next flare. 

That last sentence is the crux of my fear.  In as much as I feel good now, I also feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am sure that any and all of us know that feeling.  It is very hard to get past that and just enjoy the lack of stiffness and swelling.  It also makes me afraid to overdo it.  I know what is around the corner and I dont' want to make it come back.  It makes it very hard to be positive about this turn when that dread is sitting in the back of my mind.

It's funny.  I have become so used to working through my "new normal" that I probably do more than I should to show myself that I can be viable and useful- and now that I am feeling so much better than that level- I have a great fear of doing anything that will compromise this. 

There are two quotes that I have found that I will use to get myself back on the positive track:
Dale Carnegie said:

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind.

James Thurber said:

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.

I have to use this to remind me that the only thing that is stopping me from taking things day by day and from enjoying this is my own mind. I also need to let go of the focus on this fear and focus on being aware of what my body is telling me.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. I know I am going to try!


RA Guy said...

I continue to learn to enjoy some of the "pre-rheumatoid arthritis" days (which I was fortunate enough to experience recently), while preparing myself for the eventual return of my pain and stiffness. I've realized that this aspect - the return of symptoms - is an area that I need to work on. It just get's so hard sometimes, doesn't it?

Remicade Dream said...

Oh boy, do I know this feeling! It has become very challenging for me to enjoy the days when I feel really good. The fear is always there, coloring everything. I'm working on this, though!

I hope you are able to break through the fear and enjoy yourself!

Jules said...

I am so glad I am not alone in this. I feel like I *should* really be enjoying this time but that monster is lurking under the bed. LOL. I have to find a way to let it GO!