A new wrinkle in the RA journey

Last Friday I returned from an almost week long trip to Florida.  Sunday was travel, Monday my friends and I spent at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure, Tuesday-Thursday were VERY full days of our annual meeting and trade show and Friday travel back home.

The trip to Universal was strictly to see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  As biblio-dorks, we love the books, and the movies were top notch.  We were SO very excited and really enjoyed ourselves.  The best part was, having no children with us, we were able to wander around and spend as much or as little time at the attractions as we wished.  We ended up walking all of Islands of Adventure two and a half times over a span of 7 hours.  Nothing too arduous and truly enjoyable.

The work part of the week was a *bit* more strenuous but nothing horrid.  Which is why it was a very big surprise when, Tuesday night my feet and ankles started to swell. Nothing was hurting but they ballooned to the point that shoes had to come off and stay off early.  I woke up Wednesday morning and all was well but by Wednesday night- they were back to huge and though they weren't achy- they were swollen to the point that I could feel the....stretching of the skin?  It was wildly uncomfortable.  I talked to my bosses and received a "dispensation" to wear flip flops on Thursday to the trade show which was good because the swelling was not gone by morning and shoes were NOT fitting on my feet.  Friday- same thing.  I ended up traveling home in them- which was fine because I prefer to travel that way anyway.  Saturday and Sunday- I only bothered to put anything on to run to the store and by Sunday evening the swelling was gone enough to put on shoes for work on Monday.

Now, I know that inflammation and swelling is just a part of living with RA- but this was new to me.  Generally speaking, when I am swollen it's because my joints are inflamed and hurt like mad.  This time, the only discomfort was from the severe amount of swelling involved.  Where the foot and the ankle meet looked like two little fat rolls and the pressure was just...weird.  It wasn't that it was painful like the joint pain.  It was just so uncomfortable that I kept looking down to see what in the world was going on down there in my body.

So my question to my RA friends out there is:  Have you ever experienced this?  I am assuming it was because of the travel and the walking but since I walk regularly I am not positive.  I took photos for my next visit with my Rheumy but it just puzzles me so I wanted to reach out to you.  Any thoughts?  Suggestions?

What is Your Legacy?

I am in Orlando, FL this week for a series of meetings and our Back to Campus show for work. Two friends and I came down a day (and a half) early to get our geek on and go to Universal Studios "Wizarding World of Harry Potter" before joining colleagues nationwide tomorrow for a week of learning, networking and seeing the latest trends in merchandise.

This morning, I woke up a little later than normal. I am sitting outside this morning, all by my onesies, next to a fountain at my hotel. I have a cup of coffee in my hand and am just enjoying listening to the birds chirp and the rustle of the fronds of the palm trees. I brought along my latest Entertainment Weekly Magazine to pass the time and was reading an article entitled "Honoring TV Legend Valerie Harper". In case you didn't know; Harper, who is best known as TV's "Rhoda" from first The Mary Tyler Moore Show and then a spin-off of her own, recently announced that she has terminal brain cancer. The article is a beautiful testament to Harper's living legacy both as a television star and as a person. It's best summed up in this quote from producer James L. Brooks who said "Val always just lived. She spills support. It was almost excessive. All she ever did was pour out love and support." I think it's beautiful that this article is running now, while Ms. Harper is still alive to read it rather than as an "In Memorium" after her death.

Reading the article, which has dozens of quotes like this from friends and colleagues, got me thinking. If I were terminally ill or (God Forbid) to die tomorrow, what would people say about me? What legacy am I leaving behind for the people I have met? What would the people I have worked with, been friends with, people I have loved, say about me? I know what I hope they would say- but have I truly embodied the spirit of what I wish to be?

Here's the other thing running through my mind: Aren't we all "terminal" in a way? None of us is getting out of this alive, so why don't we tell one another how they have touched our lives? Wouldn't it be lovely to know if you have had a positive effect on someone before you leave this world? Wouldn't it be constructive to find out that you have negatively impacted someone so that you could make amends or repair that relationship? Not many of us are "celebrities" in the true sense of the word so it certainly need not be a public thing- but don't we all have people who have had a starring role in our lives? Don't we all have people who have had an impact on us without them even knowing it? As I write this, I think about a teacher I had in high school (a hundred years ago) who, at the time, I felt really believed in me. Oh, she may not remember me (it truly was 30 years and hundreds of students ago) but I remember her and the way she made me feel like I was truly better than the work I was doing. She woke me up to the fact that I was smarter than I was letting on in an effort to "fit in" with my crowd and that I didn't have to hide it. She never knew that she reached me. At 15-16 I never would have thought to let her know.

Why don't we tell them? What's stopping us from reaching out to the people that have been (and still are) important to us and letting them know how much they have meant to our lives? There is nothing "wrong" with it, nothing to be embarrassed about. I think what I will do is do a "Google search" on this teacher and just send her a card thanking her for what she did for me. Perhaps I will take it a step further and reach out to others who are meaningful in my life and do the same.

This is a challenge- for you and for myself. Tell one person who impacted you how they have made a difference in your life. Let them know because they may not realize it at all and it could really brighten their day. You can send them a card, write them a letter, or shoot them an email if you are too self conscious to say it in person. Just let them know now, before it's too late.

Have a lovely day!

Family and Getting Back to Normal.

I had blocked off last weekend to head back to Tennessee for a round of plasma "donation" but at the last minute it didn't work out.  Instead, I packed up the puppies and headed to my folks.  It had been a month since I had seen them and though we talk often I have gotten very spoiled being able to pop down pretty much any time I want so I was missing them.

We didn't do anything "exciting" which was good.  I spent a lot of time on the sun porch reading, we watched a movie, went out to dinner, did a little work in the yard (they more than me), ran errands- just spent time together but by Saturday night I was starting to feel "normal" again.

Sunday morning, I had an epiphany.  I think that a very large part of the black cloud that has been hovering over my head is that I am overwhelmed in a big way.  I look at my house and I see so much housework to be done that I don't even know where to start.  I see "things" that I *could* get rid of, but it exhausts me just to think about making those decisions.  I think about work and know that I feel like I am constantly trying to play catch up.  I think about my personal goals and they seem so far out of reach.  I think about the fact that I am leaving Sunday for Florida and though Monday will be a personal day of fun with friends, I know that Tuesday through Friday will be work, work, more work and I feel like if I don't get my lists started now- I will forget something important that needs be done while I am there.

Spending the weekend with my parents with no pressure and no responsibilities did a lot to help me find the equilibrium that I need to get back on track.  I spent my drive home putting things into perspective.  I thought about what's important to me and what I need to prioritize when I get back from my trip.  I decided that those quiet hours were so restorative that I need to create a space in my house (and I know where it will be) that I can go to curl up and relax; with a book, with the puppies, with a movie- whatever- and I need to start using it on a regular basis.  I need to pull out my gratitude journal and start writing down something every day  for which I am grateful.  I need to get back to my "other" writing project which has been put aside for some time now.  I need to take advantage of the daylight savings time switch to get out and start walking again.

The plan is to spend the rest of this week preparing for next week's trip and then use the time away to creat a plan for my return.  I feel like I am heading in the right direction and that's a good feeling.  

In a dark place

I have been in a pretty dark place for over a month now.  I know that losing my father-in-law started the process but what I don't know is how to navigate my way out of it.  I have been thinking a lot about death.  Mine and everyone else's.  I am not to the point of obsessing (thank goodness) but I am...noticing it more and more.  It seems as if so many people that I know are losing loved ones and on top of it the news is filled with stories of untimely and sad deaths.  Some have definitely affected me more than others.  For example:

Late last week there was more than one severe accident on 65 in Kentucky at the same time.  One one side of the highway a big rig hit a car and started a multi-car accident. Within moments, on the other side (they are separated by a very large median) the exact same thing happened.  In the end, there were 11 victims of the accident, six dead.  One of the dead was a 94 year old man.  I could not wrap my head around living ninety four years only to die in such a horrific manner.  There were also several foster children among the victims.  These poor kids had already had a tough life- only to die this way.   "How does that happen?"  and "How is that fair?" played in my head all weekend.  Incidentally- there was a very similar accident in the same spot yesterday.  Three accidents in less than five days- makes me hesitate to drive that area any time soon.

Friday a 17 year old girl was raped and murdered in her apartment by a known, convicted sex offender.  He was caught within 24 hours but how does that happen?  The man has been convicted of rape multiple times going back to the 80's.  I cannot understand WHY he was out and walking around in society.  I cannot imagine what this CHILD (and whether or not she was living on her own, she's still a child) went through.  It hurts my heart to even think about  what she suffered and it makes me so very angry to know that this man was free.

Last week there was an accident between a cab and a car, I believe in NY.  The man and woman in the car were killed.  It so happened that the woman was very pregnant and so the doctors delivered the baby with great hopes that she would survive.  Yesterday, she too passed away from extensive brain trauma from the accident.  When I initially heard about this accident I was so hopeful for this little baby.  When the news alerted that she had gone it was as if all of that hope was sucked right out like a balloon that had been blown up and slips out of your fingers before you tie it off.

Shootings, stabbings, overdoses, suicide, war; stories of these fill the news every day.  You cannot escape  it if you want to watch the news for current events.  What are we doing to ourselves?  What are we doing to one another?  What can we do to Just. Make. It . STOP?

And then there are the illnesses.  Every day we see and hear of friends, loved ones, members of our community who are battling horrible illnesses.  I don't mean the ones like mine which bring pain.  I mean illnesses that can be terminal.  Go to twitter.  Type in #CancerSucks and see how many hits you get.  I would be willing to bet at least weekly you see a meme on Facebook challenging you to repost if you support someone who is fighting for their lives.  I know I do.  WHY- with the millions and millions and millions of dollars raised for research and the many great minds working on these research projects- do we not yet have a cure?

This is where my head has been.  I hear about this and my mind fills with questions such as the ones above and then moves to "how will I die?"  I am not so much concerned with when but I think about the cause. Quietly and peacefully would be my preference- but with all that's wrong with this world, what are the odds of that?  I have been thinking about this far too often for someone who is trying to live from a positive place.  I know it will pass, I just don't know when.    

Traveling and getting back to normal.

It has been a really rough few weeks but I am finally back and returning to my old routine.  If you haven't traveled with a chronic illness, it can really take a toll on you.

We had to make a return trip to New England.  We lost my father-in-law at the end of January.  It was emotional on so many levels and not without a large amount of stress. It's been a roller coaster ride since Christmas to say the least.  While we were very sad to lose him, especially so soon after we found out that his cancer had not only returned but spread to his stomach, spleen and liver, we were thankful that, if he had to die, he actually passed because his kidneys could not handle the stress the cancer put on his body and shut down.  It's a very gentle way to go.  While we were sad that he had to move to a nursing home a few weeks ago, we were so glad that my husband could be there to help him make that transition and to say goodbye.  While we were very sad to lose him, we are so thankful that my husband had 47 good years with him and I had him for 30 years-and we are glad that he is back with Mom.  He missed her so very much when she passed.  Most of all, while everyone was sad to lose Dad~ this trip brought a huge amount of healing between the siblings from wounds that occurred when my Mother-in-Law passed.  For that I will be eternally grateful.

On the other side, we drove the 17 hour drive back.  When we drive we have the bad habit of making the trip straight through which is pretty rough on my old bones and joints.  We got there and there was a HUGE fiasco with the hotel that we booked and we had to book a new hotel.  We finally get settled there and flip on the television to find out that the lovely blizzard that they named Nemo was heading our way and is expected to hit right in the middle of the wake.  Stress level rising. All in all, we worked through it as a group, the wake was lovely and we made the best of being socked into a hotel.  On the bright side, I got to spend a good amount of time with Josh and his girlfriend and we met her adorable children.  One night they had us over for dinner and when they lifted the driving ban (smartest move the governor has ever made) we had dinner together out at a restaurant.  After the funeral, Jim and I were both itching to get out of New England and back home so we left a little early and headed back.  Back to home, back to my puppies, back to "normal".

It took a solid five days each way to be able to walk without my cane but it was worth it.  Even as I deal with the residual effects of a flare I can look back on this trip as a good one.   That said- I am glad to be getting back to a routine.  Routine can be a godsend when you have a chronic illness.  Just knowing what comes next can help you prepare mentally and physically for the challenges.  I am also incredibly fortunate that I have the time and flexibility to ease back into work without putting too much more stress on my body- even though we are heading into budgeting which is stressful in and of itself. :-)

I hope you have a great day!

Baby it's COLD Outside!

Whew!  I woke up this morning and the temp is a whole 11 degrees.  With the windchill, it's at a minus 4 degrees outside!  Harley and Auggie were NOT fans of going out this morning and they made it a quick trip.  Now, I am not complaining-per se, because I know that it is much colder elsewhere.  I have friends in Northern Maine who have temps below freezing with 20-25mph winds today making it -45-50!  My hubby is up in MA this week and he has had snow since last night with more to come. That said, one reason we moved south of the Mason-Dixon to get away from this bitter cold.

As many of you know, when you live with joint and muscle issues the cold can be truly brutal.  For me, probably because I had not loosened up yet, the mere act of putting the dogs out (they are on "runner leads") and bringing them back in (removing their leads outside) a few minutes later caused instant shooting pain in my hands. Even though it took less than a minute each time my knuckles felt like they had vices on them and someone was turning those vices very quickly.  Additionally, going outside from my nice warm house caused immediate static throughout my hair.  It was literally clinging to my face as soon as I walked back inside.  I don't mean just fly aways- I mean full on clinging to my face.

Today is definitely the kind of day that you just want to snuggle up under a mountain of blankets and stay that way but, alas, work beckons.  So what's a girl to do?  First the hair.  It's been almost 2 hours since I got up so my hands have eased down to a throb.  I won't be able to manipulate a curling iron, the hands are not remotely ready to do a braid and if I try to just throw it in my usual messy bun, the static will cause crazy "pulling out and sticking up" hair.  That leaves (aerosol) hairspray and hot rollers.  Here's what's great about hot rollers:   I use a lot of hairspray on my comb or brush as I smooth the hair to it into the rollers and that will tame the static while the radiant heat from handling the rollers keep my fingers moving enough to get the job done.  I just timed it and it took 23 minutes to do 18 rollers, eyeliner (twice- I botched it the first time) and mascara.  I will leave the rollers in my hair until just before I need to get dressed.

Next, I have to layer up or my joints will protest all day.  For me that means warm socks ( they are in the dryer right now getting toasty), thicker pants (wool, denim, etc), a turtleneck, a sweater, a scarf around the neck, jacket, and gloves.  No hat today- that would bring back the static instantly.

I have also stocked up on "Hot Hands" for the winter.  Though I love Thermacare, it can get expensive.   Hot Hands work the same way and are relatively inexpensive.  Most likely because the are much smaller, don't have adhesive and don't last as long as Thermacare, but they get the job done well.  Whenever I venture into Walmart- I pick up a 4 pack for less than a dollar.  I open up a pack before I go out to start my car to get ready for work and slide them inside my gloves so that my hands don't seize up when I go to drive.  Many people put them on the palm side but I find that if I put them on top of my hands as far up as they will go inside my gloves and a second one where the wrist piece is, they keep my hands and wrists flexible enough to wrap around and manipulate the steering wheel.  When I get to work, I keep my gloves on until I am truly warm and then keep the Hot Hands on my desk when I am in there or in my pockets while I am on the sales floor so I can pick them up as needed to loosen my joints throughout the day.

Next, I have prepared my house for when I get home tonight.  My heating pad is plugged in and ready to turn on.  I will turn it on before I take the dogs out for their walk so that it's warm when I get back in.  I have a toasty blanket in my chair to snuggle under, I have an extra blanket on my bed and depending on my mood- Lipton Extra Noodle soup sitting next to the stove and a bunch of veggies that I prepped last night so that if I am not in the mood for soup I can do a quick stir-fry.  I also will, when I get dressed, leave my pajamas and spa socks in the laundry room so I can toss them in the dryer and warm them up before I put them on for the night.

Finally- two little "tricks" to combat the static and dry skin that the cold brings.  I know that I need to drink more water.  That's a big issue for me because I usually get my "water" for the day through coffee and iced tea.  Yesterday I bought an 8 pack of 12oz bottled water.  I left it in my car so that it's nice and cold and will take two bottles in to work with me.  I will refill them throughout the day and try to get in at least 8 of those bottles in before bed.  The second trick is to warm lotion and use it before I put on my pajamas.  What I do is to boil water in my tea kettle and pour it into a bowl.  I take the lotion and put it in one of the Ziplock or Glad small storage bowls with  the lid on and drop it into the bowl of water for about 15 minutes.  The lotion will be nice and warm and I find that it soaks in more effectively when it's been warmed.

What do you do to combat the cold?  Any tips or tricks that you use that you would like to share?
    

It's a Gratitude Friday!

I captured a meme last night that was the swift kick in the butt that I needed.  I was feeling very whiny because my back was (and is still) hurting and I could feel myself withdrawing and starting to be a major B-word because I know that I am to conduct a meeting this morning and then drive to my folks.  That means packing the car, then the dogs, then taking them in to the meeting, then back to the car, then a 2 hour drive.  Now we know that I love going to Mom and Dad's for the weekend, I just wasn't looking forward to the logistics involved.  Anyway- I want to share with you the meme:

When I saw it, a light bulb went off in my brain. It was an "Oh yeah!" moment.  I decided in that moment to stop thinking about the pain and take just one minute to see how many things I could be grateful for right then.  As the seconds clicked by, I realized that my blessings are bountiful and though the flare in my back is a pain- both literally and figuratively- I have been much, much worse.

So that's my challenge to you.  Take 60 seconds.  I set my the timer on my iPhone but you can track it any way that works for you.  Now- hit start and think of everything that you can be thankful for in your life right now.  How many can you come up with?   

Changing Meds- again

     One of the toughest things for me, besides waiting for test results and/or diagnosis, has been the journey to find the right medications to slow the damage that Rheumatoid Arthritis will cause and to ease my pain from both the RA and Fibromyalgia so that I can continue to work.  I have been through the DMARDS: Plaquenil, Arava, Sulfasalazine, and Methotrexate. I have done over 2 years on Prednisone.  Run through the Biologics: Enbrel, Humira and now Orencia.  I have done for pain: Meloxicam before Naproxyn and as well as the Naproxyn: Tramadol, Neurontin and Flexeril.  My shelf below my computer screen looks like a mini medicine cabinet.

      Since before Thanksgiving I have been having severe lower back/hip pain.  I thought I could tough it out but finally, in the midst of my 12+ hour work days, I gave in and went to see my Rheumy.  If this were a "normal" time of year for me- I would have been okay to wait but the pain (and exhaustion brought on by the pain) was affecting my work.  Normally during Back-To-School, I am doing 16 hour days to get everything done that needs to be done and I was just not able to do that this term and we were falling behind as a result.

     As I mentioned in a previous entry, my Rheumy diagnosed my pain as Osteoarthritis in the spine combined with RA in my hip causing muscle spasms.  She upped my Neurontin to try to give me relief.  Well- it's been over a week and the Neurontin has eased the pain a bit.  It's no longer acute as long as I take the meds but still "there" and reminds me of that every time I sit too long, stand too long or lay down too long.  It also makes me a bit fuzzy headed and makes me do the thing that makes me craziest- lose my words when I am trying to talk.  That's what I hate about messing with my medications.  The "new" side effects on my body and brain.  I know that eventually my body will ease into this new routine but until then it is just annoying.

     One of the most difficult ongoing things about living with these specific illnesses is that there is no true standard treatment.  Each of us is different so as we move through our post-diagnosis life we have to continually try and find new drug combinations or natural combinations or combinations of both that work for us all the while knowing that even though we find relief today, there may come a time that it won't work any longer and we will have to start from the beginning and do this all over again.

     

Things I wish....

I wish winter was over already.  I, like many RA folks, am not a fan of winter.  Winter is not friendly to our joints.

I wish that Washington would stop the giant "my penis is bigger than yours" contest and get to running the country FOR the people that elected them not for the party with which they are affiliated.  I am so over it.

That said- I wish we, the people, would show our elected leaders the respect that they were shown when I was growing up.  Yet another by-product of the media and the internet is that people feel the...ability to talk about our President et al horrifically and see no problem with it.  I wasn't raised that way.  I didn't particularly LIKE Bush Jr but I never attacked him verbally online or in face to face conversations.  It's not just (but mostly is) us- it's the media (I am looking at YOU Fox News and CNN) blasting people daily.  It's rude, and it shows the entire world just how completely disrespectful that "we"-as a nation have become.

I wish that people were as concerned about the impact that they personally have on our world than whether or not they could have semi-automatic and automatic weapons.  First- I have NO issue if you want to own a gun.  For protection or for sport- that's your right.  If I had the manual dexterity left, I would own one myself.  HOWEVER- there is no need for ANYONE who is not protecting the public (ie our military or police) to own a weapon that blows off dozens of rounds per minute.  I have asked some of the folks that I know who are loudest in their support why they need one and their answer is "because I want one".  Ummmm, hello- that is not a NEED.  Some have said "for hunting."  Ummm- what the heck are you hunting?  Bows and rifles have proven sufficient for years- and if you are shooting that many rounds at an animal either A- you REALLY suck as a shot or B- you are not hunting to use the animal for food or pelts- you are shooting for the fun of killing and that is scary.  How about they turn that "passion" for their "right" to have those guns into action to feed the children of the US?  Or for raising funds or awareness for their favorite causes?  Or even into doing something to making someone's day better?  The world would be a better place.

That's the end of my wishes for the day as I feel myself leaning toward rants-lol.  What do YOU wish?  

Support Systems-one of the keys to healing.

“We don't heal in isolation, but in community.” 

― S. Kelley Harrell, Gift of the Dreamtime - Reader's Companion

I was watching a talk show that I had DVR'd this morning and they were updating a story that they were following of a young woman (about 10 yrs younger than me) who has been battling cervical cancer.  In discussing this incredibly difficult journey she talked about how her support system and how very important they are in her journey.  I wanted to give her a High-5 because I completely agree that our support system is crucial to our acceptance of living with a devastating illness.

I cannot express how important that my support system is to me.  From my husband who helps me out in a myriad of ways on a daily basis, to my friends who are always- morning, noon and night- just a phone call away, to my parents and siblings who are just wonderful; I know how blessed I am to have such a terrific group of folks to lift me up when I am down and make living with an incurable illness...easier.

I have seen so many times when a person is fighting a horrible illness and their relationships melt away.  Whether it's because the other person could not "handle" going through the hard parts with you or they just feel inadequate and just don't know what to say or do to help so they withdraw completely, losing an important relationship during a tough time just compounds the devastation.  When you don't have someone to lean on, someone to count on, it can magnify the battle and make it that much more difficult.

I know first hand how it feels to have this happen.  I have seen some relationships that were important to me melt away since my diagnosis and my move and it hurts.  What was most helpful to me was to forgive them.  I had to look into my heart and say "This hurts but I get it."  It doesn't make it "right" but it does lessen the toll it takes on my stress level and my mental and emotional state.  Letting them go and wishing nothing but peace and happiness for them while I get on with my life was like releasing a burden that I was carrying on my shoulders.  I can't control my illness.  I can't control how someone else is feeling.  What I can control is how I deal with it.  I didn't tell them that I forgave them.  I didn't do it for them, I did it for me.  It was my peace of mind that was most affected, it was my hurt so it was for me that I let it all go.  Because I was able to forgive, if they come back in my life I will welcome them.  Perhaps I will not trust so easily, but I will be open to allowing them to be part of my circle again.

I cannot speak for everyone, but for me, the support I need is pretty simple:

1-  You don't have to physically be there, but let me know that you are "there" if I need to talk.
2-  You can just send me a text that says "Hey- I am thinking of you."  Often that is enough to turn a bad day       into a not so bad day.
3-  You can understand that I am no longer the "burning the candle at both ends and the middle" person I was when you knew me.  If I say that I can't do something-it's because I am wiped out, not because I can't be bothered.
4-  If you are with me on a regular basis- keep in mind that what I can do today, I may not be able to do so easily tomorrow.
5-  Respect my limitations but don't treat me like I am an invalid.  I know when I need help and most of the time I will ask if I need it.
6-  Most of all, understand that despite the changes that I have had to make physically- I am still me.  I haven't changed emotionally, I haven't changed the core of who I am.  Treat me like ME.

That all I've got so I will leave you with this:

“Encourage, lift and strengthen one another. For the positive energy spread to one will be felt by us all.” 

― Deborah Day

Another setback

Since before Thanksgiving, I have been experiencing a big "flare" in my right hip and lower back.  Now- the lower back pain has been going on for literally years and generally I can live with it but this has been high enough on the pain scale that if I so much as turn over while sleeping, the pain is so intense that it wakes me up.  By my calculations this has been escalating and beginning to recede and then ramping back up for 8-9 weeks now.  

So. I went to my doctor this morning and the hits just keep coming. She felt around on my back, felt the "grinding" I was describing in my lower back/hip area and moved my joints around. She said that I have osteoarthritis in my lower back and possibly a rheumatoid nodule in my hip.  Between the RA in my hip and the OA in my back- it's causing muscle spasms- which is why there is so much pain.  Oh- and she gave me orders for another Chest X-ray because she didn't like the looks of the one we did in June.  

She doubled my neurontin to 600mg 2x a day and told me that the only other treatment (because- of course- there is no cure) is exercise and weight loss. If I didn't know she was exactly right, and I didn't know that she's a good doctor who only has my best interest at heart, and if I didn't know that I am uber-bitchy because of the pain, I would have snapped at her and said something to the effect of "no shit- but how am I supposed to exercise and lose weight when I am in constant pain?" Big sigh

Essentially that means I can either get my butt up and out of the house at 5am to get to the therapy pool at the Y so I can walk and exercise in there (because regular walking HURTS) OR I can pay for PT- and exercise in their therapy pool. I am taking the first option starting tomorrow (Saturday-because I can find my bathing suit and go at 6 instead of 5) morning.  

When I left the office to drive back across the bridge to Indiana, I just want to curl up, cry and then sleep.  I wanted to desperately.  Unfortunately work calls so that is just not an option.  It's such a busy time of year for us in the store that a pity party is just not viable right now.  I am working 7 days a week for a few weeks and then I can relax a very little for the next following 2 weeks before my inventory.  By then, hopefully, I will be beyond the pity-party stage and can just relax.  

I was talking to a dear friend about this and she said "This year stinks already!"  I told her that I won't allow it.  Thirteen is my lucky number- I WILL make it work for me.   I just have to get past this, get working on the weight loss and reach for the stars. I don't know how yet, but I will not let this hiccup stop this from being a great year!

On a side note- Happy Birthday to the love of my life!  It's his 47th birthday today and I love him as much now as I did when he was 17.   

Celebrating a New Year with a 500th Post!

I signed into my dashboard this morning and realized that WOW- this is my 500th post!  It took me back for a minute because it felt a little momentous.  I decided to look back on some of my old posts and found some small surprises and some bigger things to reflect upon that have re-shaped my goals and "resolutions" for the coming year.

One of the biggest surprises that I found was that I have managed to meet as many goals as have gone unmet.  You may wonder why that is a surprise.  It's because we- okay I- tend to make our failings so much bigger in our lives than they need to be. Think about New Year's Resolutions for a moment.  How many times have you heard (or said) "I don't make resolutions, I never keep them anyway" ?  How many times have you fallen off your diet, been unable to quit smoking, stopped going to the gym and turned it into "I will never be able to lose the weight/quit smoking/get in shape/whatever!"  I am guilty of ALL of these- and then I beat myself up for a month or twelve and go on with my "bad" habits for another long stretch of time.  If the collective "we" can beat ourselves up over our failings for a good long time- why is it that when "we" meet a goal we don't celebrate for an equally long time?  Now- I don't mean that in order to celebrate our wins we have to shout it from the rooftops. We need to celebrate internally.  So here's my first "goal" for 2013.  My goal is to stop beating myself up and celebrate my successes big and small.  It means that when I look in the mirror, instead of thinking (EVERY. SINGLE. TIME)  "God, you REALLY need to lose weight!" I will change that to: " You ate really well today/drank all of your water/didn't lose it when you could have/etc.  WAY TO GO!"  Perhaps by re-framing the way I look at myself and my day I can, not only find even more to be grateful for, but also end my dread of the mirror.

Another thing that I found in looking back at the older posts was how the things I felt were "big" things at the time did not have as long lasting impact as the "little" things.  A good example of that is my Josh's visits.  I cannot tell you how excited I get when he is coming to visit! I miss my son so very much and when he is coming to spend time with us it just fills me with anticipation.  And then he arrives.  We have a wonderful time- and I cherish every minute of it- but in the back of my mind is always a countdown until he leaves again.  It tinges this terrific event with a little disappointment and regret.  It's always over too soon and as soon as he's gone home again, it's a huge let down.  On the other hand, we talk on the phone almost every day and while I do not by any stretch of the imagination take that for granted, it's not until I really think about it that I realize how very special that is.  In the big picture, it is so much more important that we talk regularly and that we make the point to connect and keep one another up on what is going on in our lives than that we have the...obligatory(?)...in person visit.  I came to this realization when I was thinking about my beloved Granny.  Some of my favorite vacations were to spend a week with her but there were a LOT of years that I was unable to go visit and I wished that I could have.  In retrospect though, we made it a point to talk almost every single week.  One of us called the other- barring travel- every Saturday morning and visited for at least a few minutes for many years.  While the week-long visits were lovely, it's those phone calls that were so much more important.  My second goal for 2013 is to maintain important connections. It's as easy as making a list of those that you want to reach out to and putting it on your calendar.  It doesn't cost anything to pick up the phone.  A card only takes a few minutes to mail- and how much fun is it to receive mail that isn't bills? It literally takes seconds to send a message via Facebook or Twitter and only a few minutes to drop an email.  The "payoff" is that I will have made time to reach out to and let the people in my life know that they are important to me.

Yet another realization in the look back is that it's okay- no- it's mandatory- to start over again and again until we get things right.  Looking back on those resolutions to lose weight, to quit smoking, to get in shape and how quickly they go out the window I think to something that I learned in Weight Watchers years ago.  We were talking about how we "blow it" by overindulging and then give up and she pointed out that just because we have a high fat-high calorie meal, just because we smoke one cigarette, just because we skip a session at the gym- it doesn't mean that we can or should give up!  A momentary failing is only that, one moment in time.  It doesn't have to derail all of our efforts.  It kind of goes back to the whole beating-ourselves-up thing in that we feel like we have failed- from one little mistake- and give up.  Not just on our goals- but on ourselves in the process.  My third goal for 2013 is to begin again as soon as I make a mis-step.  No more kicking myself and using a mistake as an excuse to quit.  Instead- if I have a "bad" meal- it will be a bad MEAL- not a bad DAY.  If I have - say, donuts for breakfast- I will start over again with eating on plan at lunch rather than telling myself "Well- today's blown, guess I will start again tomorrow".        Waiting for tomorrow is what got me to where I am.  It's time to live in today.

That's it for today.  I have more goals that I will be working toward this year- but it's time to do something for myself and take a nap!  I wish each of you a wonderful, healthy and happy 2013.  We have the power to make it great!

End the Old Year as You Plan to Begin the New One

It's the end of another year.  It's gone by so very fast!  But on this last day of 2012 I want to end the year as I plan to spend my '13 by taking a moment to give thanks:

Thanks to my family and friends for being the best support system a woman could ever hope to have.

Thanks to my puppies.  They are the bright spot on even the worst days.

Thanks to my fellow RA bloggers.  You keep me going- and inspired- all year long.

Thanks to my higher power for all of the blessings, large and small, in my life.  I WILL do a better job of seeing them every day in 2013.

Thanks to you- the readers- for sticking with me on this journey.

I hope that each and every one of you has a safe and Happy New Year's Eve and a wonderful New Year.  I will be back tomorrow to talk about resolutions and change.

Happy Birthday Mama

Today is not only Christmas Eve, but my mama's birthday. In several ways, we are symmetrical. She was born in 1947, had me in 1967 and I had Josh in 1987. She graduated high school in 1965, I graduated in 1985. She married my Dad in 1966, I married Jim in 1986. Do you see a pattern here?

Beyond our 20 year cycles (which I broke by not having more children- she had my sisters in 1970 and 1971) there are other similarities. We both have/had two siblings. I am the oldest where she is the youngest. We also look a lot alike. We both have brown hair and brown eyes, though I tend towards a dark blonde-light brown (most recently darkened further with the aid of a salon) while hers is more a deep brown. We both have very few grays- I think I have 5 now and she is beginning to show a just a few more. We both are/were in the area of 5' tall. We have the same nose which tends to run in our family. I have it, my sister Heather has it, Josh has it and both of my nieces have it. We have the same body type. We have the same skin tone. We are more olive complected and take sun very well where my sisters got my dad's fair skin and tend toward burning.

We both have our share of health issues. You all are well aware of mine since it's been written about here a million times. Mama, on the other hand has had a rougher go of it I think. When we were children and Mama was in her twenties she had three unsuccessful pregnancies, two ending in miscarriage and one resulting in a stillborn son. While these were with no doubt devastating for her, Mama handled them with grace and dignity. While I remember the events happening, I also remember her quiet strength. Twenty years ago, at the age I am now, Mama had a series of heart attacks, resulting in a double bypass. We were terrified that we would lose her but thankfully she received wonderful care at Bethesda NAS and recovered far more quickly than I could have ever hoped for. None of this made sense as she always seemed to be in good health. Despite her full recovery the underlying question was WHY this happened and there was just no answer- yet. She began her regimen of daily medications and accepted that there would be some limits in her life. Six years ago, at fifty-nine, Mom had a stroke. While her stroke was considered somewhat mild by the medical community, it seemed enormous to all of us. When she woke in the hospital much of her memory was...not gone but "hiding". She could remember what year it was and what time of year, but couldn't pinpoint the date. She could remember that she had three daughters but when asked it was "Julie, Lisa(the youngest) and...the one with the cute kids." She couldn't remember how to tie her shoes or do other basic tasks and most of all, she would lose her words when speaking. Anyone who has ever experienced what I call the RA (or Fibro) fog knows how frustrating it is when you are in the middle of a thought and cannot get the words out. With the help of Occupational Therapy, Mama made a good recovery. The only "lasting" effects are that when she is tired, she still loses her words which frustrates the daylights out of her and makes conversations very interesting when I am tired too and lose mine. :-) The other lasting effect is that she is, as a byproduct of the frustration, a little less even tempered than she was before. We did find out- finally- that all of this; the miscarriages, the heart attacks and the stroke were tied together by clotting issues that had gone undetected as well as an extremely underactive thyroid. The blessing is that since we know, it can be treated with Coumadin and other medications.

Mama and I also are very different in some ways. She and Dad married during the Vietnam era and shortly after my birth, he went overseas with the Air Force. While he was gone Mom went to work to help support me but when he came back, Mom became a full-time Stay at Home Mom to me and in short order my two sisters. Mom supported Dad by taking care of us and the home and helped to proofread his papers and such while he worked full time in the Whirlpool factory and finished his degree. She then stood with him as he took a commission in the Air Force and became an officer. She held us together as we traveled from base to base making a home for us at each new location and making moving and resetting up a home look FAR easier than it really is. Mom was there while Dad worked all sorts of crazy shifts, traveled on TDY and for a year on an unaccompanied remote. While in hindsight I can see that it was not easy for her, she never let us see that. We saw that she was the rock, the pillar, the heart that kept us going and was the epitome of "never let them see you sweat." She taught us to cook (some better than others) to do laundry, to take care of our houses (I am the worst at this) and to take care of ourselves and whomever else came along but she did it in a way that was just natural. I can't speak for my sibs, but it was never "you need to learn this" it was "let me show you how to do this" and then "okay, it's your turn to do it solo" or "now your laundry is your responsibility". She made our house a place that was not only warm and inviting for us, but welcoming to our friends throughout every year and base. It was not until I was in high school and college and weddings were looming in the near future that Mom went back to outside employment and even then she didn't skip a beat.

I, on the other hand, was a working Mom for Josh's whole childhood and through today. I have worked either 2-3 jobs while we were in New England or, like now, a salaried job that brings very long hours at times. I can cook *almost* as well as Mom but I never enjoyed baking as much as she does. I can do our laundry- but prefer the folding and putting away to the washing and drying so Jim and I split that task. I loathe housework- and it shows. As I sit here at her table and look around the almost spotless kitchen I can close my eyes and see my table at home that is much more of a catch-all than a place to eat. I still don't know how in the world she managed us three very different girls and kept the home as well as she did. I must have missed that particular gene because cleaning the house knowing that it's just going to get messy again makes me want to bang my head against a wall. . I think I also missed the "Stay at Home" gene because while Mom was content (?) with taking care of us, making our home a home and fulfilling all of the "duties" (wives clubs, committees, volunteer activities etc) that was expected of an Officer's Wife in the late 70's and early 80's, I truly thought when Josh was growing up that I would go mad if I didn't work. Suffice it to say, despite the wonderful example that she set- I didn't follow in her footsteps.

What's the point of all of this? Well, Mom is 65 today. She is the kind of mother that is open and loving and makes you want to spend time with her. She is a terrific Grandma to Josh, Amanda, Lauren, Matt and Jon. She is a good friend to all and the kind of wife I wish I could be. She and Dad are still crazy about one another, even when they are making each other crazy- after 50 years of being together. And today, on her birthday, I need to publicly give thanks. It will be 20 years ago (this coming summer) that we almost lost her. I am eternally grateful for the "extra" 7118 (give or take a few) days that we have been blessed to have had her with us because I don't know what I would have done without her guidance and her love.

Happy Birthday Mama! I love you!

Negativity is Exhausting

It's been a rough couple of months, hasn't it?  From the barrage of negativity surrounding our election through the horrific tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School this past weekend it's been non-stop.  Emotionally, I am worn out.  I still can't fully articulate how I felt this weekend.  It was one thing on top of another.  First, "watching" through endless breaking news updates the events of the school shooting in Connecticut.  Then, to compound that we hear of the twenty-two children who, at the same time as the Sandy Hook massacre was going on, were stabbed by a knife-wielding mad man in central China.  Next, an Oklahoma boy was arrested after trying to bomb his school.  Finally, a northern Indiana man was arrested and 47 guns were seized at his home after threatening to set his cafeteria worker wife on fire at her school and "take out as many other people as he could before the police could stop him."  I just don't understand what is going on in our world.  How did we get here?

So, I am tired.  I am tired of the violence.  I am tired of hate-spewing people who hide behind their computers.  I am tired of people who never have a good thing to say.  I am beyond tired of the whole "FML" thing.  It makes me so very angry when I see it because it's usually used over something stupid like having to work on a weekend or heavy traffic or a cranky child.   I am tired of the "Happy Holidays!" vs "Merry Christmas" argument that is plastered all over the news and social media every single year.  I am tired of the way I see people acting in stores to one another and to the poor people who work retail this year and have to "cheerfully" put up with it.

Short of holing up in my room and not coming out until after the new year what is the solution?  Here are a few ideas:

Turn off the news- the media is all about reporting the bad news so turn them off.  Turn off your tv, your talk radio, your smartphone alerts and give yourself a news break.

Don't get drawn into the debates.  It's hard, I know but it can be done.  We all know it devolves all too quickly these days so avoiding it all together is the key.  Just don't even look at the comments.

If you don't want to take a social media break (and I don't-lol) hide or remove those people in your life who are the complainers.  

Spread kindness- I am sure that you are always nice, so be extra nice to everyone that you see is having a rough day.  That cashier who just got chewed out over something out of their control, that mom who has a child throwing a tantrum, that waiter/ess who is running around like mad will appreciate that kind word and smile more than you realize.

And with that, I leave you with my favorite "words of wisdom" for the holiday season:

Surrendering to the Pain.

     It's one of those "you play, you pay" kind of days.  I spent a solid 30 hours over the weekend baking "jar bread" and making bourbon balls and two kinds of fudge.  Yesterday I **tried** to put together a utility cart at work.  The cart wasn't having it.  It's made of a very thick resin and the screw holes on the top and bottom pieces were smaller than the screws and the matching holes on the braces.  I managed to get about 12 of the 30 screws in place just enough to hold it together (but not enough that I felt secure) before my hands were swollen enough that my rings had to come off. Thankfully, the husband of a member of my staff came to our rescue and brought in a cordless drill and finished it off for us.

      This morning both hands (I am moderately ambidextrous so when one side would get tired I would switch), both shoulders, both wrists and my feet are screaming.  The shoulders and wrists have that deep pain that you would swear was radiating out from the bone.  The hands and feet literally feel like they are burning if I use or move them.  I am sure you are thinking "then why are you using them to type?" but we all know that life can't stop just because our bodies are protesting.

      Now- I know how this cycle goes but the sheer amount of pain still caught me by surprise. I have been stable for quite some time.  A couple of hours of stiffness in the morning, moderate Fibro pain throughout the day, chronic fatigue and deep back pain by the end of the day.  This "normal" is nothing I can't live with.  I think that having settled into this pattern and accepting the pain levels caused me to let my guard down and so when Miss Harley woke me this morning and I couldn't even attempt to put her up on the bed I had a "WHOA! What is THIS?" moment.  Next came "Well, I know what I did to bring this on- totally my own fault." and finally " I hope I can get loose enough to get all of the things I have to do today!".  

     It wasn't until a few hours later that I realized what didn't happen in that little mental exchange this morning.  I didn't feel any pity for myself.  I didn't beat myself up for having over done it.  I didn't have any of the "I can't" moments.  I didn't even have a thought of limiting my day.  Instead my brain made the jump to "here's what I have to accomplish today- how can I do it without aggravating the pain?"  That realization gave me such a sense of peace that I could only smile.

     I have found a quote that  sums up what I am feeling this morning.

"The word "surrender" is often interpreted as giving up, as weakness, as admitting defeat. Although this is one way to use the word, we will use it in a different way. Surrendering means letting go of your resistance to the total openness of who you are. It means giving up the tension of the little vortex you believe yourself to be and realizing the deep power of the ocean you truly are. It means to open with no boundaries, emotional or physical, so you ease wide beyond any limiting sense of self you might have."

- David Deida

 I have surrendered to this pain.  I have surrendered to my new normal and to this current self induced flare.  It's not going to beat me- I will prevail.  I will go on with my life and though I may slow down- it will not cause me to come to a stop.  RA won't beat me.  Chronic fatigue won't beat me.  Fibro won't beat me.  My possibilities are limitless.  

"Age Doesn't Matter Unless You're a Cheese"

I am not sure who initially said that, but boy is it true. As you may know, I am at my parents home for the holiday. Every Thanksgiving I come down for the week and we really enjoy our time together. It is a real gift after 20 years of living so far away from them and not having the funds to travel.

That said, when I am here I find that I am no longer a 45 year old, married, mom who runs a business. I am just "their kid". This is not necessarily a bad thing. I have great parents and I love being one of their children. The problems lies in that it is too easy to put everything else aside and just wallow in the "kid" role. I forget about things that I want to do, I don't think about things I "need" to do and I just go with it. It doesn't show up as much on weekend trips. The turnaround is too quick and I never really get out of my "normal" mode. It's the weeklong trips where I tend to think "there's plenty of time- I will get to it later." and just put everything else aside to just visit and get done things that they need to attend to while we can.

I thought about it this morning. I woke up at 3:45 (don't ask!) and made the coffee. I started looking through our list of things to do and crossing off what we completed yesterday and adding things we thought of while we were out and about yesterday and sent a "good morning" text to my hubby who is at home and was up and getting ready to go to work. When the coffee was done, I poured a cup for me, filled the thermos and got another pot ready. I rarely do that at home until I have finished the pot and am ready to run out the door to work. I then watched a few of the Food Network shows Mom has dvr'd while I fiddled around on Facebook on my iPad. It wasn't until about 7am that I realized that it's been since Saturday that I checked my work email. Normally I do that every single morning while my coffee brews. It gets that chore out from under my belt before I get there and anything can happen that changes my day. Now- my assistant and I are both out this week. I can almost guarantee that no one has walked into my office except to drop things off for me to see when I get back since last Friday. As I get a ton of emails each day- that chore will take quite a bit of time this morning. I will dive in as soon as I finish this post.

Mom woke up a few minutes ago and found me sitting at the kitchen table so that I can use my keyboard with my iPad with the news on the little kitchen television. After a quick "good morning" she fussed at me about having the volume too low to hear. I laughed and said "Mom, I am less than 8 feet away from the tv- I can hear it and am trying to not wake up the world!" but I found myself doing the defensive/whiny thing that I did when I was a kid. I stopped and laughed again and just shook my head at what was coming out of my mouth. It just reinforced that I am in "kid mode".

So my question this morning is this...Do you do this too? Or am I just a little crazy? Could go both ways! Now it is the time to get that email checked so I can plug my iPad in and get going for the day. Two more days till Thanksgiving and there's a lot to do! Have a terrific day!

It's Vacation Eve-aka Longest Day EVER

For the last ten years each Thanksgiving week I have taken the week off.  The first five was to work more at my second job and the last five to spend the week with my parents.  I look forward to this week SO much because it's the one week when I can forget work completely and just relax. I think my other half enjoys it too because he gets at least 5 days of nothing more to worry about than going to work and feeding himself.

 This year because I had not taken much time off I am actually taking TWO whole weeks! I don't have to be back to work until December 3rd! I am heading down to Mom and Dad's with the Barkingtons on Saturday and I may just spend both weeks down there.  I am not going to "schedule" anything.  Instead I will see how long it takes for me to feel like I need to be home and get some "stuff" that I have neglected done.

I know the pups will enjoy themselves.  They love, love, love being able to run free in Grandma and Papa's yard.  Unlike here, where they have to be on a "runner" or leash when they are outside, at Grandma and Papa's house they can chase squirrels and bunnies, explore the jungle of my mom's iris garden, play ball and flop down in the sun with only a fence to limit them.  Whenever I pack a bag they start watching closely to see what's going on.  When I pick up their bag- all hell breaks loose.  They know they are going somewhere.  Jumping and barking, following me around until I am ready and as soon as I say "Grandma"- they stand quivering with excitement by their leashes until they are clipped in and then dash to the door.  Due to their excitement I have to be very sneaky packing for all of us.  I actually started gathering clothes and stuff days ago but haven't pulled out my bag yet.  Tonight I will get some together and tomorrow the rest of my stuff will be packed so Hubby can help with packing my car before he goes to work on Saturday morning.  Packing for them will happen after they are at the groomer's on Saturday and then I will pick them up and leave directly from there to hit the road.

Before ANY of this can happen, I have to get through work today.  I know how this goes.  I have one several hour project and a whole bunch of little details to see to before I can go but even with all of those things to do the day will drag.  The closer we get to 4pm, the longer the hours will seem until I am wired for sound and bouncing off of the walls.  My poor staff will probably be as ready to see me walk out of the door as I will to go but what can you do? I think what I will try is this; every time I feel myself getting keyed up I will remind myself how grateful I am to have the opportunity to take a nice, long vacation and as I am giving myself that reminder I will also remind myself to breathe.  I am hoping it will keep me from making myself and everyone else crazy in the process.

Here's hoping it works because it's time to head in and get this day started!  

It's not the Christmas season just yet!

How's this for a conundrum?  I work in retail, in fact, I manage a retail establishment.  That said- "greater retail" makes me CRAZY!  I am not a "shopper" unless you want to drop me in the middle of Whole Foods/ Trader Joe's/Fresh Market or a book store (natch!) and then I can make a day of it.  I only buy clothes when I absolutely must.  I only buy household items when I can justify it.  I have a little craft "thing" that has been tamped down because I am out of designated room until I finish some projects.  I pop in and out of Target or Kohl's, Penny's (they have SEPHORA now!) or Macy's as fast as I can pick up what I need and get out.  I avoid Walmart like the plague and only go when it's the only place I can get whatever it is that I am looking for.

Here is what is currently making me nuts.  Halloween was a mere week ago.  I prepped for Halloween for weeks before that- favorite holiday and all.  In September, just after Labor Day, I went out to start looking for in expensive candy to do one of those "how much candy is in the jar" things in my store for Halloween.  I walked into the Dollar Tree and there, right next to the Halloween stuff, to my horror the drive aisles were set up for CHRISTMAS already!  Did I say horrified?  I was appalled!

That was just the beginning.  Halloween was last Wednesday.  The weekend before I had to do the Walmart thing and they too were pulling down Halloween and setting up Christmas.  Two weeks ago Target (oh- how can you betray me?) started running their first Christmas ads on television!  This is madness!  

Maybe I am old fashioned.  Maybe it's many, many years of working in both the hospitality and retail industries where we spend every waking hour heading into the holiday season inundated with Christmas music.  Maybe I have become a Grinch but I just feel that it's too much too soon.  I am of the camp that believes that the Christmas "stuff" doesn't start until after Thanksgiving.  And don't even get me started on Black Friday and the ads that are already popping up for that.

I am mildly agitated about this because last Thursday my assistant manager ( love her dearly) who is our general merchandise buyer was ready to dismantle everything Halloween and set up Christmas.  I balked.  Actually, I flat out said NO.  No tree, no music, no display.  Everyone know's that the season is coming.  The date doesn't change.  If people want to come shopping, great! We have the product and are prepared.  I just don't feel that we need to completely roll over Thanksgiving and wrap it up in one big ball and make it into 8 (or more) weeks of holiday madness.   Instead, we will be easing into the holiday.  I have 10 boxes of "Christmas" (both themed and gift worthy) books that have been in my back room for about 2 weeks.  This weekend we will start putting them out.  The week of Thanksgiving (when I am on vacation) they can go nuts and set up the tree and the decorations.  The Monday after Thanksgiving, the music can go on.

 Until then, I would rather we all concentrate on all of the wonderful things that we have to be thankful for this year.  It won't hurt anyone to take a deep breath and give thanks, if only for that deep breath.  It won't hurt anyone if we wait a few more weeks before we dive into Christmas.  

Just an idea for today

Yay!  It's election day- I can finally end my self-imposed mini-exile and come back to the wider parts of the web! O_o     I promise folks, this is a short and simple post.

This has been such a very, very ugly campaign season.  I know I have made my disappointment very evident here so I am not going to bore you with it again but I have had an idea.  I think it would be lovely to end all of the contention a better note.  Please, please get out and vote.  After you vote, how about we all do a random act of kindness?  I am going to buy coffee for the guy or girl behind me in line today.  It's as easy as that.  Just do something small to make someone's day a little better.  Let's band together and start a wave of good feeling out there.  Thanks!  

Time To Kick Out Of This Rut

     Between work and flares and still dwelling on this whole state of the way people treat one another (see the previous post if needed) I have been in a bit of a funk.  Thursday and Friday I will be traveling for work so I need to pull myself out of it before I am thrust into a room with 50 or so other people for two days.  I don't want to be that cranky wench in the corner of the room.  I like these folks and I want to enjoy as much of those two days as I can.  So- I need to focus on good things.  Put the rest out of my mind for a bit.

How about a list of things that make me smile?  Maybe we have some things in common!  Here we go, in no particular order:

1- My puppies.  They really do light up my whole world.

2- My other half.  We have been together so long I cannot imagine being without him. He makes me smile- most of the time ;-)

3- My 'man-child"-  He really is a good guy.  I am very fortunate that he turned out so well.

4- My family.  I have terrific sisters and parents.  Again- I know how fortunate that I am to have them.
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Now that we have hit the "Usual Suspects" we can get to the more general things:
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5-  Curling up with a good book.  I love to lose myself in a story.  I admire anyone who can write so well that, if only for a moment to two, they pull me into another world.

6-  Pajamas.  Really, could there be any better way to get comfy?  Especially when you are not feeling yourself.

7-  A long walk on a cool day.  Not cold- but between 55 and 75 is pretty perfect.  That usually means Spring- when everything starts new again or Fall- when the leaves are changing and falling and the earth is getting ready to go to sleep for a few months.

8-  Looking for four leafed clovers.  Have you ever spent time searching for that elusive shamrock?  It can be pretty soothing.  We have a LOT of clover around here.  Sometimes I just sit down next to a patch and run my hands over each little plant.  It's not easy to find one- I have only found one in the last four years- but it does relax me to just sit there and concentrate on the plants.

9-  Having a fabulous meal.  I love trying new foods.  It can be something that my husband or I cook at home or something created by a professional chef in a restaurant but when you can sit down and enjoy something that wakes up your senses or just melts in your mouth- it can be such a terrific sensation.  I don't know about you, but it gets my serotonin and oxytocin going and I feel terrific!

10- In the same vein- CHOCOLATE. Need I say more?  Belgian Ice Chocolate, Godiva Milk Chocolate, Lindt truffles, even Hershey's drops.  Milk chocolate is just it for me.  

11- Cooking.  I really enjoy cooking.  It's a creative outlet.  I am a little stifled because Hubby is not overly adventurous but when I am alone or with my son (who is always willing to experiment) I can go to town.

12-  Traveling.  I am so lucky that Hubby and I are really good together on road trips.  I know people who can't drive across town together without fighting.  We are pretty much the opposite of that.  We get in the car and head out and everything melts away.  Even if it's just exploring our area, we really enjoy traveling together.

13- Searching for inspiration.  I have favorite websites, books, magazines and such that I rely on to inspire me.  It could be to do crafts, to examine my spirituality, to find recipes, to find DIY projects, to find a quote that starts my day in a positive way- anything that makes me think or want to try something new.  The hunt is as much fun as the treasure is satisfying.

That's thirteen- it's a good start and I am smiling.  Now I am off to hit one of the aforementioned websites to find my quote of the day.  Have a terrific Tuesday!

What is happening to us?

May I gripe for a moment?  Not really a rant; I am not angry, I am just sad.

     Let me first say- I love technology.  I love the internet.  I embraced it when it first became widely available.  I love that it lets me talk to, and get to know, people from all over the country and all over the world.  I started out in Usenet.  Are any of you old enough to remember that?  I then "graduated" to groups on MSN, Yahoo and AOL and on and on.  I met some of the best people I have ever known (Ames, Amy, Julie et al) through these groups and still keep in touch with them even after our groups became defunct.  I can never adequately explain how much the gift of their friendship, that would never have happened with out ye olde internet, means to me.  

     One of the things I have always enjoyed is a good discussion/ debate.  From discussions as tame as "What kind of laundry detergent do you use and why?" and "What book should I read next" to really heated debates on topics such as "Pro-Choice vs. Anti-Choice" and Gay Marriage most have been really interesting as you see what other people think and where they come from.  Unfortunately, as the internet has evolved, debates and discussion have devolved.  

     Back in the day, trolls were fairly obvious.  You could "play" with them or ignore them but they were fairly harmless.   The biggest problem is that the trolls had the anonymity of their screen name to hide behind and it made them bold.  With that anonymity came the "ability" to be rude, to poke at topics to stir things up, to be obnoxious.  Every once in a while admins would have to play "Whack a Troll" and boot them out if they got really bad but for the most part groups were a fairly safe place to talk and discuss.

     I don't know if it's the outgrowth of the original trolls or if the fact that the world is so comfortable with  the internet but the bile that I see online these days truly nauseates me.  This being an election year means there are literally thousands of examples of this.  Pick any post about the candidates or about the individual issues and read through the comments.  No matter which "side" you are on, almost every discussion begins with a back and forth exchange and within moments devolves into name calling, cursing, CAPS FRENZY as people "yell" their point.  It gets very, very nasty almost every time.  I have also seen a huge uptick in posts essentially shoving religious points of view down everyone's throat.  Maybe they were already there and I just didn't notice but it is not a sharing, caring kind of post.  It's not "God loves you".  It's more like "If you believe in XYZ you are not a Christian."  or "How dare you call yourself a Christian if you vote for so and so." or "If you don't believe ABC you are a heathen and going straight to hell"   It's rude, it's judgmental and quite frankly it's offensive.  I find that it's doing more to divide any and all faiths (and those who don't believe) than anything else.  Like the political posts, it starts to get nasty when someone replies "Just because YOUR church believes this, doesn't make it right" or "If you believe that fairy tale, you are an idiot" and just goes from there.  

     The straw that broke the camel's back for me and is making me consider if it's time to step away from social media for a while is the viral video by a young lady named Amanda Todd.  If you haven't seen it, it's incredibly sad.  This young lady made a video about the bullying she had been enduring for years.  She made some mistakes- and admits them in the video- and was mercilessly bullied for them.  Moving to a new town, more than once, didn't stop it.  Changing cell numbers didn't stop it.  Disabling her facebook page (and then creating a new one) so that those people were not on there didn't stop it.  She talks about the pain, she talks about how it lead to her cutting herself to release that pain, she talks about everything she did to disassociate herself from her bullies and how they essentially stalked her and made her life a living hell.  Posting her video was not only a cry for help but was also a strong statement about bullying.  Watching it made me angry.  Watching it made me want to fight for this little girl.  Knowing that a few weeks later this little girl was so despondant that she committed suicide is just heartbreaking.   But it doesn't end there.  This video touched a lot of people- and it also brought out the animals.  If you read the walls on the Facebook pages that were made in her memory, if you read comments under the articles, you will see that for every 5 or so "good" comments, there are so many vile comments that it will turn your stomach.  Even in death this child is still being bullied; but now it's gone global so how much worse is that?  Her parents can see this.  Her friends can see this.  I cannot imagine the extra heaping of pain this causes them. The other night I was reading a follow up article and the comments made me so sick that I literally turned off my computer.  That makes me sad.  I love social media.  I love Pinterest and Facebook, Linked In and Instagram.  I don't want to give them up but I don't know how much longer I can wade through this mud to find the true discussions.  

     What has happened to us?  When did this become "okay"?  Do these people not realize that, specifically on Facebook, their true names are out there for the world to see what kind of people they really are and that if they are posting anonymously they can be found out?  Do they think they are "protected" by the first amendment?  They are not.  There's an article on the Huffington Post today that the well known "Biggest Troll on Reddit" was outed by Gawker and subsequently lost his job because his company did not want to be associated with his online persona.  I have to say- I can completely understand his employers points.   Personally,  I have found this very enlightening.  I have discovered that people that I thought I knew were the kind of people who will condemn you in a minute if you do not believe what they believe.  I have discovered that some people are not who I thought they were.  This too makes me sad because I cannot look at them with the same respect that I had before all of this.  I am just sitting here shaking my head because I just don't understand how anyone can feel that this vitriol is acceptable.    That's it.  That's all I've got.  I would love to hear if you have noticed this as well, or if it's just me.  

Back to Reality

 Well, this vacation is over and I am a little sad.  My best friend is back in MA.  It was so nice to just sit and visit with someone who not only gets me, but is stepped out far enough to be able to be objective.  She understands me well enough to give me a big butt-kicking when I need it.  Even though we spent a LOT of time relaxing- I could still use a vacation from my vacation- isn't that typical?  

       Now it's back to work.  I need to get back and get some things done.  I already went through my email this morning and made myself a To-Do list for when I go in.  One thing that I am going to do that is not on my list though- is to decide when I am taking the rest of my time.  I always block off Thanksgiving week- but we only have to use 3 days for that as we are closed both Thursday and Friday and they count as holiday days.  Between that and the couple of days I am taking around Christmas, I still have a week left to take and I need to find the time and use it since it's Use or Lose.  Even though we did quite a few things,  I really enjoyed just being home.  More and more I find myself able to be home with nothing on my agenda more than to spend some time reading and napping.  In years past I would never have been able to just do nothing for more than a day.  I guess that I am finally able to step away from all of my responsibilities and from feeling like I always need to do something (ANYTHING!)and find peace in doing nothing.  So- I have added "Schedule vacation time" to my mental list for today.  It will be a reward for getting everything else on my list crossed off.

     When I get home tonight I need to sit down with my planner and start planning out some posts to get back into regular writing.  I also need to set some clear goals for the next three months and look at my budget because- as much as I hate this- it's already time to start planning for Christmas.  Josh is fairly easy this year.  He asked for a new coffee maker.  I know what I am getting for Jim as well.  He is pretty difficult but this year I have the idea.  I can't write it down because he is infamous for always guessing or finding out what he's getting and with my luck, this would be the one post he would read.  :-)  The older nieces and nephews are going to be easy this year too.  They are getting cash- but not just a check or bills in a card.  I am going to buy small bills and slip them inside balloons.  Then blow the balloons up and fill a box with them.  So they will each get a box of blown up balloons stuffed with cash.  I may stick a few notes in there inside balloons in as well.  They are terrific kids and I wish I could be nearer to them.  That leaves my parents, my younger nieces and nephews and friends.

     I also want to hand write some notes to friends this week.  Just before Karyn flew in last week, I lost a  friend.  He had a heart attack and went very quickly.  Fortunately- just a week or so prior we were chatting back and forth on Facebook and I told him that I loved him so he knew.  I want to take the time to send some notes to different friends and family members to make sure that I tell them that I love and am proud of them too.  It's so important.  Losing Donnie was a stark reminder that life is too short and we need to make sure that everyone we love knows how we feel about them.

   As much as I have enjoyed sitting here and just writing about what's in my brain today, it's time to get moving!  Thanks for joining me on this attempt to focus my thoughts and get out of vacation mode.  I hope you have a terrific day! 

The End of Vacation-or-One Bucket List Item Down- Many To Go!

Sadly, today is Friday and my vacation is coming to a close.  We managed to relax and yet get everything that we wanted done and more this week.  Of course we relaxed and visited a lot- that is a given during Karyn's annual week-long visit.

Last Saturday night we went to Culbertson's Haunted House- which was a good beginning to our trifecta of haunted houses this season. The walk-through and theme for this year gave me good ideas for my own costume since I was already of a mind to change it up this year.  Tuesday was the big zip-line day.  Mom and Dad joined us for the trip to the Mega Cavern and we had a wonderful lunch at Little Cheezers in Louisville after- but more on the Zip Line later.

Wednesday, we literally recovered from the adventure all day.  Neither Jim nor Karyn or I got out of our pajamas all day long.  We relaxed, we napped, we watched TV and movies and let our aching muscles settle back down.  I knew I would be sore.  I fully expected it.  I was pleasantly surprised that it was not worse.  If I learned nothing else, I learned that I seriously need to work on my triceps!  My shoulders (and triceps) ached from holding on to the bars and my back/hips were achy from where the  equipment sat both while we walked and zipped but I would say the pain factor was only a step or two up from "normal".

 Yesterday we spent the early afternoon shopping.  Karyn for clothes (she mis-packed a couple of things) and me for Halloween Costume gear.  Next we went downtown and walked around our town's Harvest Homecoming before it got too busy and as the crowds began to grow we left and went to Texas Roadhouse for an early dinner.  Later in the evening we went to The Baxter Avenue Morgue, which was FANTASTIC!  We got there early enough that it too was not overly crowded and we were able to interact with the cast and volunteers before, during and after the walk through.  Before we went in we were chatting with security and mentioned how far Karyn had come for this haunted house trip.  He shared with the cast inside who really personalized our experience.  After, some of the cast and crew came out and talked to us for quite some time about working there, their experiences both in the haunted house and with the paranormal (see FACT OR FAKED PARANORMAL FILES on SYFY for an investigation of Baxter Ave) and they invited us back for a Saturday night (when they are really amped up) and to the Halloween Parade tonight.

Today I am going to leave early to go and exercise my right to VOTE.  I love that we can do this early and once I am done I am fully intending to hide each and every political story on my Facebook wall from now until November.  I am going to stop across the street at the library while I am downtown as well and then back home to relax for a bit.  Tonight's plan was to go to Waverly Hills to the Scare-a-torium but they have been posting on their Facebook page that crowds have been so deep that people are lining up at 5pm to get in the gates- and the gates don't open until 7:30.  As we have done this particular haunted house before and I am not up to sitting in a car for hours and then standing in line for hours- we are opting out and instead considering going to the parade first and then heading to the haunted hayride at the Field of Screams in Brandenburg, KY.  That's it for tonight as we put Karyn on the plane back to MA tomorrow.  :-/

Now- back to the Bucket List item of Zip-lining.    I am super excited about this for several reasons:

1. I was very worried about how I would physically manage the bridges, walking/climbing on the uneven ground inside the Mega Cavern and actual "Zips" between my Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and general "out-of-shapeness".  
2. I really, REALLY, do not like suspension bridges.  Besides mild vertigo, the fact that they move (or more specifically BOUNCE and SWAY) as you walk makes me feel more than a bit nauseated.  
3. Partially because of the aforementioned vertigo and partially because of a lack of control when you fall, I didn't know how I would find the confidence to literally step off into nothingness- especially in the dark of the cavern.  

I DID IT!!!!  I not only managed to complete the 5 Zip-line course, but made it across the "Challenge Bridges" with very little problem.  That said, our guides were terrific.  They took the time to explain everything we were doing from beginning to end and answered all of our questions throughout.  They checked and re-checked our safety equipment.  Most importantly, they tailored their approach individually to each member of the group based on our experience and fear level.  They ribbed us when necessary and cheered us on when that was needed as well.   When we finished, I felt exhilarated!   Feeding off the boost that this "Mission Accomplished" gave me; I think it's time to start tackling other items on my list.  It also gave me more ideas to add to that big old list.  The question is, where to start???

Crossing off a bucket list item-no matter WHAT my body says

I am officially on my yearly vacation.  Not that I only get one- but once a year my best friend flies out to Louisville and we spend a week together.  We have a fun week planned:

• We will be visiting 3 different fundraising haunted houses for well known truly haunted locations (Waverly Hills Sanatorium, Baxter Ave Morgue, Culbertson Mansion)
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• We are going to the movies (Pitch Perfect- hubby has no interest)
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• We are going to eat good food ( I have been scouring Pinterest for days)
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• We will visit a LOT.  
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• But the biggest thing we have planned is...we are going ZIP LINING!  

I am so excited to go.  It's been on my bucket list for quite some time.  My only fear is how the old body will react.  Not so much to soaring down the zip line, but to the "Challenge bridges" that we have to climb to get to the zips.  I have been battling my hips for quite some time, and my shoulders are pretty sore too. The last few weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster about this upcoming trip.  I was so excited to go, I still am, BUT, as I lay in bed each night and my hips and shoulders ache, the fear comes over me.  I start with the "What if I don't make it?" then "What if it brings on a major flare?"  and so on and so forth.  Then I got mad. Mad that I was letting the fear of my RA and Fibro put a damper on something that I REALLY want to do.  Finally, I became resolved.  I don't care what my body says.  I am doing this.  It may be once in a lifetime event for me and I am going to go and enjoy every single minute of it.