Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Surrendering to the Pain.

     It's one of those "you play, you pay" kind of days.  I spent a solid 30 hours over the weekend baking "jar bread" and making bourbon balls and two kinds of fudge.  Yesterday I **tried** to put together a utility cart at work.  The cart wasn't having it.  It's made of a very thick resin and the screw holes on the top and bottom pieces were smaller than the screws and the matching holes on the braces.  I managed to get about 12 of the 30 screws in place just enough to hold it together (but not enough that I felt secure) before my hands were swollen enough that my rings had to come off. Thankfully, the husband of a member of my staff came to our rescue and brought in a cordless drill and finished it off for us.

      This morning both hands (I am moderately ambidextrous so when one side would get tired I would switch), both shoulders, both wrists and my feet are screaming.  The shoulders and wrists have that deep pain that you would swear was radiating out from the bone.  The hands and feet literally feel like they are burning if I use or move them.  I am sure you are thinking "then why are you using them to type?" but we all know that life can't stop just because our bodies are protesting.

      Now- I know how this cycle goes but the sheer amount of pain still caught me by surprise. I have been stable for quite some time.  A couple of hours of stiffness in the morning, moderate Fibro pain throughout the day, chronic fatigue and deep back pain by the end of the day.  This "normal" is nothing I can't live with.  I think that having settled into this pattern and accepting the pain levels caused me to let my guard down and so when Miss Harley woke me this morning and I couldn't even attempt to put her up on the bed I had a "WHOA! What is THIS?" moment.  Next came "Well, I know what I did to bring this on- totally my own fault." and finally " I hope I can get loose enough to get all of the things I have to do today!".  

     It wasn't until a few hours later that I realized what didn't happen in that little mental exchange this morning.  I didn't feel any pity for myself.  I didn't beat myself up for having over done it.  I didn't have any of the "I can't" moments.  I didn't even have a thought of limiting my day.  Instead my brain made the jump to "here's what I have to accomplish today- how can I do it without aggravating the pain?"  That realization gave me such a sense of peace that I could only smile.

     I have found a quote that  sums up what I am feeling this morning.

"The word "surrender" is often interpreted as giving up, as weakness, as admitting defeat. Although this is one way to use the word, we will use it in a different way. Surrendering means letting go of your resistance to the total openness of who you are. It means giving up the tension of the little vortex you believe yourself to be and realizing the deep power of the ocean you truly are. It means to open with no boundaries, emotional or physical, so you ease wide beyond any limiting sense of self you might have."

- David Deida

 I have surrendered to this pain.  I have surrendered to my new normal and to this current self induced flare.  It's not going to beat me- I will prevail.  I will go on with my life and though I may slow down- it will not cause me to come to a stop.  RA won't beat me.  Chronic fatigue won't beat me.  Fibro won't beat me.  My possibilities are limitless.  


Anonymous said...

I think surrendering allows us to move forward and live with a new normal.

Jules0705 said...

You are SO right Joan!

Kathy Gabby Gabriel said...

Surrendering often turns out to be an act of kindness to self and others.

Testament to loving spirit that prevails in the midst of ... whatever.

No weakness there ... and certainly not in the sense it is normally viewed.