I make lists on a regular basis. To do lists, grocery lists, gift lists, lists of phone calls I need to make, of emails I need to send- if there is a list that can be made for day to day life- I probably have made at least one. It's all part of being a planner. But there are two lists that I cannot seem to make- the Wish List and the Bucket List.
I am sure that everyone knows what a Bucket List is- but in the off chance that you don't- it's the list of things that you want to do before you kick the bucket. It's also a FANTASTIC movie with Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson and Sean Hayes- I recommend everyone see it. I have been trying and trying to do these two lists for some time and I just can't commit. What I am hoping to accomplish today is to figure out why I find this so hard.
When I think of a Wish list- I take it very seriously. I mean- I have a list of things to do when we win the lottery, but it's entirely different from a real Wish list. A wish list for me has to be things that I really wish for that are attainable. I think part of the problem for me is- I almost feel like making such a list would make me really ungrateful for all of the blessings that I have in my life. I have been so fortunate that wishing for more seems greedy. I have a wonderful family, we both have good jobs, a roof over our heads, clothing, food, medical care; we have enough to meet our needs and a few small luxuries- and so many people don't have one of these things much less all of them. I am also torn in terms as to what kind of things I would wish for. Can you tell that this gives me no small amount of stress?
As for my Bucket List- of course the first thing holding me back is that if I make one- that means I have to acknowledge my own mortality. I mean really? Who wants to think about dying? I am not one of those people who believes that we are closer to death each day. I feel that we should live every day as if it is our last. I don't want to creep toward death. I want to enjoy every minute of my life. What if I do make my bucket list and then I complete it? Does that mean the I am ready to kick that bucket? I surely hope not. There is also a little bit of fear holding me back that directly correlates with my illness. When I think of things that are "worthy" of going on a Bucket List- there is a little, niggling thought in the back of my head that wonders what happens if I am physically unable to complete the things on my list? For example; many, many years ago my father and I talked about taking a horse/donkey trip down the Grand Canyon for my 18th birthday. When the time came- I was engaged to my husband, working full time and had other priorities in my life. Now, almost 25 years later- I wish we had made that trip. Not only do I wish we had made that trip; but it would be a great item for that Bucket List. Of course- when we talked about that I had never even heard of Rheumatoid Arthritis; and Fibromyalgia was not on my radar. The little voice in the back of my head says "Don't put THAT on your list- you would never make it!" I know that I am physically more challenged than I was at 18- where will I be in another 25 years? The little voice sneers at me and says "Are you going to take a wheel chair down instead of a horse?" and that stops me in my tracks.
So there we are. That is my quandry.