Wednesday, December 16, 2009

From the bottom of my heart

I am so very greatful to not suffer from depression.  At the beginning of this week, a man that I knew committed suicide.  He was charming, witty, handsome, athletic, well liked- your typical "All-American boy".  He was not perfect, he made mistakes, but never, ever would I (or anyone else I have spoken to) have guessed that his demons ran so deep that he would do something like this.  I have been told how, and the probable why (who can ever know for sure?) but it still does not compute.  I just don't understand- and I am very thankful that I don't. 

I have been thinking about this since I heard the news.  I cannot imagine no matter how far I stretch my mind, being in such a depth of despair that I would take my own life.  I have been incredibly sad many times in my life.  I have grieved until I felt completely wrung out, I have been hurt to what felt like the bottom of my soul- but never once have I been so far down that I felt that was an option.  I cannot fathom how that would feel.  Call me selfish but I don't want to find out either.  I just don't understand it.  I don't understand how anyone could be so far "down" that they would not, could not, see even the smallest blessing and grab hold of it.  We all have them- even in our worst hour.  We just have to look.  That blessing may be the one person who will help you find the help that you need.  It may just be something tiny but the very thing you need to stop the spiral and begin to climb out.

Tonight I am praying that my friend found the peace he was looking for.  I pray that his family and friends will cherish their good memories and heal from the tremendous pain of this tragedy.  I am choosing to remember the man that I knew who made me laugh, who always had a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.  I also pray that if any of you reading this are struggling with depression; that you will find your blessing, focus on it, give thanks for it, and that out of that gratitude- your blessings multiply until the emotional and mental pain has lessened.  I also pray that anyone in this world who is contemplating suicide at this moment will find the strength ask for the help that they need to get through this. 

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