Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Reflections on being a "Mom"

I am feeling very reflective this morning.  This happens every year on my son's birthday.  His affect me far more than my own.  24 years ago, when he was born, I was 19 years (and 10 mos) old and thought I knew EVERYTHING!  I was married, living overseas with my husband, and thought I was just so grown up.  When we decided that it was the perfect time to have a baby, I thought I was totally prepared for this adventure.  I realized pretty quickly that I was 100% wrong.  I got my first inkling of that when I was in the midst of labor and just plain wanted my own Mom who was stateside.  The next clue was when they put that little (6lb 12oz) baby into my arms and it dawned on me that this beautiful creature was relying completely on me (and the hubbs-but at that moment he was calling back to the states to give the news and it was just me and the baby) for his care and raising.  In that moment it was just he and I in my room at the hospital and I was just staring down at his little face, his little fingers, his little toes and overwhelmed with how much love I felt for this person that I had known for just a few hours.  I knew in that moment that I wanted to do everything I can to give him the best life possible and the enormity of it all crashed down and just plain terrified me. 

I can look back now and see things that I would most assuredly change in the way we raised him.  We definitely made our share of mistakes along the way but in the end he is healthy, smart, well adjusted, loving, and kind.  I couldn't really ask for anything more.  Don't get me wrong- we disagree on some of his choices.  He makes me absolutely pull-my-hair-out crazy at times, but he knows who he is and is willing to make his own mistakes without expecting us to bail him out of them.  I often said when he was a teenager that he was both the love of my life and the bane of my existance and it was completely true. 

On the other hand I can be so very grateful that he is willing to stand on his own (even if he is a thousand miles away ),  and that he calls me on a regular basis just to say "Hello" and to tell me about his day and never-ever-fails to say "I love you."  I can be grateful that he never went through the "Dont hug/kiss me in public" phase.  I can be grateful that we are as very close as we are and that he's not afraid to make it known.  I can especially be grateful for all of the lessons that he has taught me over the years.  More than anything else I can be grateful that though anyone can be a "Mother", he made me a "Mom".


Happy 24th birthday Joshua.  I love you with all of my heart.   

1 comment:

Julie said...

Ok, this made me cry. I love the way you share your heart. Happy Birthday, Josh!!!