It's Halloween!

Here we are- Halloween again.  My favorite holiday of the year.  As I mentioned in the beginning of the month, I much prefer today to New Year’s for making goals and “resolutions”.  I like to consider this my New Year’s Eve and November 1^st my New Year’s Day.  Though it’s not everyone’s thoughts-I am not solo on this view. 

The History Channel tells us: 

"Halloween's origins date back to the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain (pronounced sow-in). The Celts, who lived 2,000 years ago in the area that is now Ireland, the United Kingdom and northern France, celebrated their new year on November 1. This day marked the end of summer and the harvest and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, a time of year that was often associated with human death. Celts believed that on the night before the new year, the boundary between the worlds of the living and the dead became blurred. On the night of October 31 they celebrated Samhain, when it was believed that the ghosts of the dead returned to earth. In addition to causing trouble and damaging crops, Celts thought that the presence of the otherworldly spirits made it easier for the Druids, or Celtic priests, to make predictions about the future. For a people entirely dependent on the volatile natural world, these prophecies were an important source of comfort and direction during the long, dark winter.

To commemorate the event, Druids built huge sacred bonfires, where the people gathered to burn crops and animals as sacrifices to the Celtic deities. During the celebration, the Celts wore costumes, typically consisting of animal heads and skins, and attempted to tell each other's fortunes. When the celebration was over, they re-lit their hearth fires, which they had extinguished earlier that evening, from the sacred bonfire to help protect them during the coming winter."

            It is my theory that, if our loved ones are closest to us at this time of year, they can help us stay on the straight and narrow with our goals.  So what are my goals for this coming year?  I am only making two and they are pretty straight-forward.

 

                             I am going to take better care of myself and

                             I am going to be disciplined about saving money. 

It sounds simple, right?  But it all comes down to making good choices.  The most important questions for me this year will be “do I really need that?”and “what more can I do?”  They work for both of those goals, you know?

 Do I need that chocolate (those chips, that pizza)?

 Do I need that new doodad? 

What more can I do? 

Can I take a walk? 

Can I make dinner at home instead of going out to a restaurant? 

The questions just work- as long as I bang them into my head- hard.  

The other thing I am going to work on- and this may be a multi-year journey- is to find my passion.  I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about it.  I don’t know what it is in my life that I truly have a passion for.  Oh, there are things that bring me joy but I cannot pinpoint what it is that I can see myself doing every day of my life that will fulfill me from my soul out.  So, looking for that will also be a goal- but one without a specific end.  That’s it.  That’s all she wrote.  Literally….

Happy Halloween!    

What I Learned this Weekend

     So you know that I am doing Oprah's Life Class.  It's really all about living the best life that you possibly can.  Each day is a different lesson.  I am a bit behind- okay, a lot behind- because of my self imposed evening tech breaks.  I have been NOT spending my evenings in my little office area (where my PC and television are) and I have been instead spending the evenings in the living room with hubby and the pups or out doing things.  Tonight I am going to see paranormal investigator Patrick Burns speak at the school.  I am too excited.  But back to this weekend's lessons from the life class.

     How it works is- as you are watching the show, there are interactive parts.  There is a series of questions that are curated by Life Coach Martha Beck, and then a journal for your notes from the show.  Since I am behind, I am using it in a way that works well for me.  I answer my questions online first, then save them to Evernote so that I can look back on them.  Then, I sync my iPad to the show which gives me extra quotes and polls that follow with the topic- you can answer the questions on the iPad also, but it's too much for me to do at once.  Meanwhile, on my PC I am on my online journal that accompanies the course and take notes of important (to me) thoughts that come through as well as the quotes that come through on the iPad.  My only criticism about the whole thing is that I would like to be able to go back to the content that comes through in the app but you cannot.  I really enjoy the way I am doing this because I can concentrate more on the class rather than trying to answer questions, take notes and listen all at once.

     The first episode I watched was last Friday's Joy Rising course.  It was based on the famous Car Giveaway (YOU get a car, and YOU get a car...EVERYBODY GETS A CAR!!!) and the Wildest Dreams bus from season 19.  The message was; giving joy, giving of yourself, is as good for you as it is for the recipient.  The quotes from this episode that touched me the most are:

"Anything that is of value in life only multiplies when it is given.~~Deepak Chopra

 "If you knew what I knew about the power of giving, you would not let a single meal pass without sharing it in some way."~~Buddha

      One of the questions on the "homework" was: When was the last time that you gave joy to someone else?  I think we do things for other often, but I don't know that we often truly give what I think of as JOY as often as we could.  At that time, I couldn't even think of an example but since then I do recall a recent time that I gave joy.  I am not going to discuss it here because it kind of feels like bragging and that is against the point of learning about myself but just recalling the smile involved makes me happy.  I also know that the surprise I have coming up (assuming they aren't reading this) will bring my parents joy and just thinking about that makes me giddy. There is so much truth in what they said about giving.  It really does feel good to be able to make someone happy if even for a moment.   


The second episode that I watched was last Monday's Who are You Meant to Be? show.  The first, and best example that was given to us of someone who was living the life they were meant to is Lady Gaga.  Now, I have a perverse thing where I tend to discount shows, artists, musicians that are instant sensations because often they are a flash in the pan- plus having spent over 10 years managing a night club- if I never hear club music again it will be okay.  From the first time she was on the show Oprah and Lady Gaga blew that out of the water.  Behind all of the crazy clothes and huge makeup is a person who is truly working her butt off to live from a really genuine place.  More importantly, her message is very simply BE YOURSELF because who you are is beautiful.  After the first show, and compounded by the other media appearances that I have seen, my respect for her has only grown.  Though her music is extremely dance-able, the words are very powerful.  If you have never heard Gaga, I recommend you go to youtube and watch both her Poker Face and Born This Way videos.  Look beyond the costumes (close your eyes if you need to) and just listen to the words and you will see why so many people, kids and adults alike, are gaga for Gaga. Again, there are two quotes from this episode that together epitomize what I took from this show:  

  "There's the gift, there's the spirit, and then there's the work- all three have to come together. If one of those things is off, i can stop you from becoming who you are meant to be." Jay-Z

"We begin to find and become ourselves when we notice how we are already found, already truly, wildly, messily, marvelously who we were born to be. " Anne Lamott

I took a lot of notes from this class.  The notes that I took that speak to me are these:  

• Everybody has a calling. We just may not have found it yet.  Your real job is to find out what that is and who you are meant to be and begin honoring it.

• "God - how can I be used in service?  First to myself then to others?" 

• Honoring your calling make everything else better. If you are able to honor that feeling, that is when you most come alive. 

• You never know where the inspiration to follow your passion will come from. It doesn't have to be the biggest idea in the world, it just has to fuel and feed your passion.

• It's never too late to find your purpose and start living your best life.

• If I live to 80, can I have lived my life so that I can look back with as few regrets as possible? 

• Recognize that you have a calling, that your being here on earth matters and is meaningful. Everybody that is here is here in some way to lift up the planet. I all comes back to the recognizing the deeper meaning that is inside yourself. The answer comes when you are open to receiving it.

     This episode for me brought up a lot of internal questions.  It made me realize that I am not, currently following my passion but also that I don't quite know what that passion is.  My daddy has always said that I don't know if I want to be a cowgirl or a ballerina, and he is right.  At 44 I have still not found that thing that, when I do it, makes my heart sing.  

     Actually- I enjoy writing but more, I enjoy when someone reads what I have written and let's me know that it spoke to them.  This blog is a great platform for that because I get some really terrific comments whether folks agree with me or not but this is not something that I could support myself on in the end.  Perhaps what I need to think about is what steps I can take to parlay my love of writing and the interaction into a career.  I am just at a loss as to how to do that.  I also worry that I wouldn't have the necessary discipline to follow through.  

     If I learned nothing else, these 6 (of 10) classes so far have taught me one very big thing.  The biggest takeaway that I have from this class so far is this:  

"You can either chase happiness or you can choose to be happy. It really is that simple" ~~Robert Holden

     That quote is reminder of all of the things I have been working toward in my life journey.  It epitomizes what I have been saying in regards to living with a chronic illness in a very succinct way.  If I had the courage, I would tattoo it on my body where I could see it every day.  If I take nothing else from this show (fat chance!) I would be happy with that one lesson because it just boils it down to the nth degree.  

I choose to be happy.  I choose to look at everything from a positive standpoint, be it my illness, my job, my marriage, my family; my entire life.  I can go forward from today and choose happiness because chasing it is just exhausting.  I hope that you can choose happiness too.

Choose your Fate

****DISCLAIMER: My patience is a little thin at the moment, so this may be a bit snarky.  I am just warning you now so that if you don't want to go further, I will understand. **** 

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The reason for my lowering patience is that I see so many people in bad situations, some of their own making, some NOT of their own making, who are just spinning their wheels and complaining about it rather than doing something about it.  Let me give you some scenarios from people that I personally know to illustrate:

Person 1 is miserable in their job.  They are abnormally slow at work at the moment and despite requesting to be cross-trained (the request was denied) during the down-time, they are bored silly.  There is also a lack of communication as to what's going on and what will happen going further which is making them crazy.  It makes them very cranky to be around.  The thing is- they aren't being proactive to either very calmly talk to their boss about their future or find a new job.

Person 2 is in the opposite situation.  They are unemployed and have been so long enough that they are coming to the end of their unemployment benefit term.  They are chronically complaining about the lack of work out there and how they have no money yet they are always "too busy" to really job hunt.  

Person 3 is in a difficult marriage.  Their spouse is - by their own description- selfish, rude, unsupportive and more.  The stories that we as her friends have heard over the years makes our blood boil.  Person 3 has a special needs child who she must care for and the "husband" is very content to quit/get fired and lose their health insurance on a regular basis- and is one of those people who feels that it is never their fault.  After he quits or gets fired, it's not his fault that they can't pay the utility bills or are close to getting evicted.  Whenever she gets the courage to even *think* about leaving he will fake a health scare to reel her back in.  

Person 4 has a chronic illness.  If you listen to them talk, they are the only person who has ever been this sick.  They are the only person who has ever been in this much pain.  If you listen to them, there is not a doctor alive who listens to them, who can treat them, or who is ethical.  As someone who lives with the same  chronic illness, it is evident that they expect a magic pill/shot/supplement/infusion that will make them better immediately.  When they don't get that- the doctor must be horrible. They have quit or been removed from more medical practices than I have been to in my life.  

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Where am I going with this?  I truly feel, from the bottom of my heart, that we choose how we perceive our lives.  

  One of the...hazards(?)...of trying to live from a positive, gratitude-filled life is that we become more sensitive to negativity.   That means for me that I find it difficult to be around these folks for long periods of time without my patience being stretched very, very thin.  I actually find myself getting a little angry- which is counteractive to my journey.  

I feel that we all choose the life we live.  There are a lot of things that are out of our control, but we don't have to let them beat us and we don't have to allow the misery in our lives.  On her fabulous blog, Wellness with a Side of Life, our very own @ArthritisAshley posted a blog post about celebs with chronic illness in which she quoted AJ Langer as saying that her approach to living with Fibromyalgia is to allow “20 minutes of self-pity every few weeks. Then I enjoy my life.”  How great is that?  The recurring theme in the examples above is that they have become so overtaken by the bad situation that they are essentially paralyzed by their unhappiness.  

If I could tell them (without alienating them) I would say that it doesn't have to be this way!  I have bad days too, but when I am feeling overwhelmed/sad/self-pitying/a flare/whatever, I tell myself that it's just one day.  I know that each day is a brand new start.  I take myself off to bed and the last thing I think before I sleep is that tomorrow WILL be better.  When I get up the next day I choose to make it a better day.  It may not be a perfect new day, but it will be better than the day before and I continue that tactic until I go through a whole good day- and then I celebrate my triumph over the adversity!  Another tactic is to put myself to sleep  thinking of things that I have to be grateful for.  I may start with my family and end with being grateful that I am alive to have both good and bad days, or I may start with something big and end with the roof over my head and end with the blanket that I am snuggled under.   It's not some trademarked magic trick- it can work for anyone!  

 Maya Angelou once said, "If you don't like something, change it.  If you can't change it, change your attitude.  Don't complain."  and I believe that is so very true.  I also need to remember it on my own tough days.  It's been said (a million times) that when we choose to be positive, we attract more good things.  I know from experience that the reverse is true.  When we complain, we are choosing to give power to the negative.  Instead, let's all choose to take back that power and give it over to living a happy life.  When you do, the possibilities are endless.  

400 Posts and Counting

Wow!  This is my 400th post on this blog!  I just went back to the beginning and looked and it was 3 years and  5 days ago that I wrote my first post.  That first post was titled "Why Gratitude?  Why Now?"

That first post was about why I need to find the gratitude in my life and to live with the gratitude in my heart.  I did not at that time know where this would go.  I still don't have that down to a science but I think that I am getting better at it.  My fear at that time was that I would fall into the trap of negativity.  I still have my moments (reference my "Oh My Aching Back post) but they are much farther apart.

In writing this blog, I have been very forthcoming with my flaws and my struggles.  Sometimes I wonder if I should put it all out there but in retrospect I feel that I can learn from my challenges and if writing it in a public forum helps someone else, I can't regret it.

I am- at my own pace- doing Oprah's Life Class.  One of the first lessons that I learned from this class is that my perceptions of myself is not who I truly am and that I need to let go of my perceptions of myself and look deep inside to find out who I was meant to be if I want to achieve inner peace.  I also pulled a quote from this class that just gives me so much hope and that is this:

 "I'm not saying I believe magic is real-I don't, but that is the perennial appeal of magic- the idea that we ourselves have power and can shape our world." JK Rowling

What a terrific concept!  That the power to change our world is inside us!  

As much as I admire Oprah (and yes- if you haven't read my blog before she's been mentioned quite a bit) I have also learned lessons just from writing all of this down and then stepping back and reading it objectively.  I have learned that I need to figure out how to block that niggling little voice in my head that whispers the negative things.  It's that voice that tells me that I can't reach my goals, that makes me afraid to do some new and exciting things, that I am not good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, and on and on.   I need to "stand up" to that voice because I am allowing it to hold me back.  I see patterns in my posts that show me this.  

On the flip side, I have learned that I can do things that I never thought possible.  Writing in this place has given me the courage to write my first book and begin my second.  I have learned that when you recognize your blessings, even the very smallest blessing can make the challenges seem less difficult.  I have learned that you find friends in unexpected places.  I have learned that there really is strength in numbers and that from those numbers comes the best advice that I have ever been given.  

So there we go.  Number 400 is a moment for me to stop and reflect.  It's also where I would like to thank everyone who has read and commented on this blog (except the stupid spammers!) because you have given me so much support and so many great ideas.  I greatly appreciate you!  

What No One Tells You About Living with a Chronic Illness

When you have been diagnosed with a chronic illness it can be scary.  One of the first things that many of us do is take to the 'net to find out as much as we can about living with our illness.  There are many, many (did I mention many?) message boards, twitter streams and blogs that are written by folks sharing their stories.  Some are coping so very well and share their strategies.  Others, not so much.  Unfortunately, the not-so-much contingency is MUCH larger than the positive stories.

I had an appointment with my Rheumy on Friday.  I got good news and so-so news.  The so-so news is that she can feel and see the progression in my knees and ankles- especially on the right side.  It was almost a joke. She was doing her exam and asked me where the problem areas were.  I told her that the up and down temps were playing havoc on my knees and ankles and when she felt the right knee and it popped she said "WOW- guess that's the spot!"  I said "I guess you felt that huh?"  She laughed and said "It's almost like I know what I am looking for!"  We had a good laugh but really, there is nothing that can be done so it was kind of like...whatever.  The good news (for me!) is that though I received a letter that the insurance company had taken my current med (Orencia) off their preferred meds list and it would cost me more- my insurance specialist at the rheumy's office called them while I was there and they did a test claim.  It came back the same as I have been paying.  I asked about the letter and they said that it went to everyone who was on that class of drugs.  They also told me that if I had been on Remicade- my co-pay would have gone from $50/3mos to $1300!  I literally almost spit my coffee out when they said that.  After that I met with my parents.  They were up in Louisville to run an errand and brought me a plant (Black Calla Lilies- I LOVE THEM!) because I haven't been feeling well and I told them what I had found out.  They asked me some great questions and that got me thinking about all of the things I wish someone had told me when I was diagnosed.  So, without further ado- here's my list:

• 1.  You are not your illness.  Yes, you HAVE an illness- but it doesn't have to have you.  You are the same person that you were, you just have another challenge to deal with.
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• 2.  No matter what your symptoms, there are ways to combat them.  Personally, I can deal with a whole lot of pain but exhaustion is what I struggle with.  I have found that there are different ways to deal with both and most of the the time it is pretty successful.
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• 3.  There are people who can help with the details.  A prime example is the wonderful med-tech in my Rheumy's office who specializes in the insurance stuff.  She not only contacted my insurance and asked the right questions to get the answers I had been unable to get from them; she also makes sure that we are aware of and handles the paperwork for the different co-pay programs.  She told me who to contact to make sure that my specialty pharmacy was covered on the current program which will bring my co-pay down to $5.00.  It's a big relief!  
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• 4.  You CAN get past the guilt.  When I was first diagnosed, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I caused this illness that has no cure.  It didn't matter that no one knows what causes RA and Fibro.  I was sure it was my fault.  It wasn't.  It wasn't my fault, it wasn't my parent's fault (there is no proof that it's genetic), it was no one's fault.  Once I got past that, a weight was lifted.
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• 5.  It's okay to give yourself a break.  Stress is a killer.  For me, it can bring on a flare faster than anything else in my life.  I have learned that I don't have to be on the go 24/7.  I have learned that a little dust doesn't hurt, dishes can wait a little while and a nap is a good thing.  Anything that you can do (or not do) to let your body rest and rejuvenate is far better than trying to do it all and exacerbating your symptoms.  Your loved ones would much rather have you as healthy as possible than scrubbed floors.  
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• 6. An open mind is the best way to go into this.   It doesn't matter how many people that you know have the same illness- it is different. Your experience will not be exactly the same, your side effects will not be exactly the same, your response to the meds will not be the same, most importantly- your journey will not be the same.  While we (those who write about their illness) share our experiences and our coping strategies; what works for us will not always work for you and you may find that treatments that fail for us will feel like a miracle for you.  
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• 7- Your support system is KEY to dealing with your illness.  It doesn't have to be friends, it doesn't have to be family.  You can find support in many, many places.  If you find that there are people who do nothing but drag you down, do not count them in your support system.  I am not suggesting that you cut them off from your life (unless they are particularly toxic) but that you don't let yourself count on them and be disappointed.  It will only hurt.  
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• 8.  Blessings come from many directions if you let them. I found that people that I had always thought I could count on were just not able to support me, and people that has been in my periphery stepped up in amazing ways- am so thankful that I was open to that.  I found that I can be thankful for the changes that my illness demanded from my life.  I can be thankful for it opening my eyes to a new way of life.  I am thankful for a myriad of things that I have talked about here over the years.    

That's my list this morning.  I would love to hear from my fellow chronic friends what I missed on this list.  What do you wish YOU had been told when you were diagnosed.  Happy Monday folks!  

Power Phrase

A friend shared this on facebook today- I love it and I need to remember it and read it every day!

Just wanted to share it with you, my friends!  

Lessons learned from a flare

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been struggling with a rough time with my back and hip area.  Thankfully, it is subsiding but this one took a bit longer than usual and I am so very not used to not being able to just power through.  That's how I have handled so many challenges in my life and when I couldn't (and ended up flat on my back) it was as if the rug had been pulled out from under me.

 I have been so very fortunate thus far in my journey to have never suffered from depression.  When this got me so down, I wasn't sure how to pull myself back up and rebound.  I have never in my life found myself literally just wanting to not leave my house; more specifically, not leave my bed.  If we were living on a single story, I probably would have pulled even further into myself than I did.  It was a little scary.  Fortunately (?) we live in a town-home style place and the two pups need access to the outside so I would s-l-o-w-l-y make my way downstairs in the morning, let the dogs out, take my meds, get some coffee, let them back in and then curl up either on the couch or in the recliner for the majority of the day.  Because of the fur-kids, I was unable to stay upstairs in my bed, no matter how much I found myself desperately wanting that.  On top of that, I felt myself becoming angry that I couldn't physically get up and go to work, feeling guilty that I didn't even WANT to go to work and knowing that the work was piling up for when I went back.  Top that off with  Jim starting to get sick and so less than usual getting done around the house and neither of us felt like cooking and both of us felt like comfort food.  It was a huge internal struggle and the more I struggled with it, the more down I felt.  

What I have learned from this is that I am NOT going to handle it well when the eventuality happens and I am no longer able to be as productive as I am now.

I am thankful that I can still be productive when I am in year 6 of my diagnosis and I have not given up despite the difficulties.

 I have also learned that I am more thankful than I realized that I no longer try to hold down two full time jobs, college, home and family.

 I am thankful for weekends to recuperate and a husband that understands when I need to just do that.

I have learned that I can let go of that guilt from staying home from work- at least enough to not spend my weekend there making up the time.

I am thankful that I have a flexible enough schedule and work load to work around hiccups like this most recent flare.

More than all- I am thankful that it is over and I can get back to my life.  

Oh my aching back....

For about a week now, I have been  having a LOT of trouble with my lower back.  I almost always have that as a trouble spot- specifically the Sacroiliac Joint area.  Now, my Rheumatologist has said that this is actually part of my Fibromyalgia, that RA generally does not affect the back (she did take Xrays for Ankylosing Spondylitis which were negative) but I am not so sure.  When I was in PT, the student who was working with me was horrified by the constant "noise" that comes when, for example,  I am lying on my back and doing the knee to chest/ extend to straight/lower to the floor (bicycle perhaps?)exercise.

Anywho, apparently whatever it is, it is inflammed and I suspect it is also pinching a nerve as when I bend over- like when I put the pups on their leads to go in the yard or try to pick something up- when I stand back up, I am washed over with dizziness.  I would be okay with the pain, but that sudden dizzy feeling scares the daylights out of me.  I almost feel as if, just for a moment, I am going to pass out.  I don't like feeling like I am not in control of my body if even for a second.  Pain is different.  Pain is expected, but this other thing- not so much.

This is the first time, in a long time, that I have allowed my disease to affect my work.  First, because of the pain, I have been taking more of my medications.  I promise- I am not self medicating- my Rheumy has told me what my " upper limit" is as far as if the pain gets to be too much.   I am staying well within her guidelines.  I just don't like to take too much medication because it has two effects on me.  More Tramadol or more Flexeril makes me feel both numb and stupid.  Kind of like I am a bump on a log.  I don't trust myself to drive like that and I don't like to feel like that.  Extra Neurontin makes me sleepy- but not for long.

  Last night is a perfect example.  My normal RX is 300mg Neurontin 2x daily (doesn't matter what two times) and the max dosage is 2400mg.  My normal dosage of Flexeril is 30mg at bed time with a max dosage of 60mg a day.  My normal dosage of Tramadol is 50mg 3x a day with a max of 400mg a day. My normal dose of Naproxyn is 500mg 2x a day with a max of 1500mg.  The thought behind this is that the Tramadol and Naproxyn are for my RA pain and inflammation, the Neurontin for the Fibro and the Flexeril is to help me sleep.  I usually take one Tramadol, one Naproxyn and one Neurontin in the morning, one Tramadol at lunch and the rest an hour before bed.  With this back issue, yesterday I took the normal dosages plus an extra 300mg of Neurontin at lunch and bed time, an extra 10mg of flexeril at lunch.  I was pretty stupid all afternoon and then last night, I couldn't get to sleep at first- I ended up reading until almost midnight, and I have been up since 2:30 am.  I am not tired- yet- I expect that will hit around 6am, and I am moderately numb.  Thank goodness I already told my assistant mgr I would be out again today.

I have been applying heat- both by heating pad and by the hottest shower I can stand until the water runs cold and this morning I am going to attempt to do some yoga to see if I can stretch this area out.  I need my life back.  I can't sit (lay/sit/lay) at home forever and I can't let this control my life any more than it already does.  I am also going to back off all of the stuff that makes me feel "wrong" and add an additional Naproxyn .Hopefully that will take care of the inflammation before hubby and I are going to a concert on Saturday night.  Either way- I am going back to work tomorrow even if I have to use the dreaded cane and take my heating pad with me.  I truly feel that yoga has given me so much relief on the Tuesdays that I can go to class and I know that I can bring my DVD downstairs (Yoga for Dummies- I am not yet good enough to do the routine from my class from memory) and try to get through it.  I tend to do Cat/Cow throughout the day even from a sitting position in my chair as I feel my back tighten and Cobra/Child's pose when I get in my bed at night and in the morning to try to stretch enough to get comfortable.  It's the rest I need help on.  If it helps to open up my back- I will have to make this part of my morning routine.  I have been allowing my insomnia to rule my mornings (up between 2 and 3; exhausted by 6) for too long and it's time to reclaim that as well by either taking the pups for a walk or doing some other sort of exercise as soon as I start feeling tired.

I will conquer this-if by sheer will alone.  It's MY life, it doesn't belong to my illness and their "side effects".

   

Welcome October!

Welcome to October!!!!!  I love, love, love this month.  Nope- not because of birthdays, anniversaries or any personal events but because I am a complete fool for Halloween, Samhain, Parentalia, All Hallows Eve, All Saints Day or All Souls Day; what ever it is that you celebrate at the end of this month.

I love the idea that the veil between us and our lost loved ones is thinnest this time of year and that, other than January 1st, there is an alternative "New Year" out there.  There is something about the costumes, the revelry, the changing leaves, the smell of fires burning in the home and the crispness of the air that feels far more like a new beginning than the dead of winter ever will.  One of the traditions that I have kept is to make "New Year's Resolutions" on Halloween.  Somehow, those tend to last much longer than than the January 1st resolutions.

For many, many years (closing in on 20) I spent my Halloween in the Halloween capital of the world- Salem, MA.  No matter if I went alone or with friends or with my son, there is an infectious feeling to Salem on Halloween.  I would get decked out in my costume of choice and head out by train.  Even on the 6am train from my town to Boston I would not be alone in my costumed state.  On the second train, from North Station to Salem- those of us who were decked out would far outnumber those who were not.  

I had certain....rituals that I observed when I got to town.  Breakfast at Deb's or the Salem Diner, an obligatory trip to the Witch Museum and often Hawthorne House, lunch (including a fantastic Blueberry Beer) at Salem BeerWorks, wander around town to the Wharf and to all of the different Haunted Houses, the the Commemorative Candlelight Walk from the Wharfs to Gallows Hill.  In between, it all depended on who was with us.  Sometimes we did the Ghost Tours, sometimes just hung around downtown with all of the others celebrating or any of the other Haunted Happenings but there was just a feeling in the air that is indescribable.  If you ever have the opportunity to get to Salem for Halloween- don't walk- RUN.  It's a terrific time even for someone like me who is not too fond of crowds.  You can't help but get swept up in the infectious joy of the day.

I also love this time of year for the haunted houses.  I am not scared of them at all, I am actually fascinated by them.  Oh- occasionally someone will pop out and startle me, but I can't remember the last time I was truly scared in one.  I love to see the costumes of the actors, the vignettes that they devise and the work that goes in to creating these places that will scare and delight hundreds of people every night.  Up north- SpookyWorld was a favorite for my son and I.  We went for quite a few years while it was in Berlin, MA  and then in Foxboro.  When it closed we started going to more local Haunts such as Nightmare New England.  It was something that we looked forward to doing together every year.

Since I have been out in Indiana, I have done Waverly Hills Haunted House (it's pretty cool- I have pics of what is left behind year round from my half night trip to Waverly) and this year I am looking forward to checking out the Baxter Avenue Morgue and the Industrial Terrorplex.  Though it's not his "thing"- hubby is a great sport about going with me and if I asked, Dad would go too.

Dad is the one who started this whole love of the macabre.  From the time Carrie came out when I was 10 years old, until now I have loved the whole genre.  Horror flicks are so much fun.  In fact, as I type this I am watching a remake of My Bloody Valentine which is just as cheesy as the original.  I have seen almost every  Hack and Slash movie, every Vampire flick, every Ghost story, every horror film out there.  As I mentioned- I have this one on my DVR and I have Orphan in my little red NetFlix envelope just waiting to be seen.  With the cheesy films- I love watching and dissecting the special effects and seeing how many of the "standard" murders they include.  With the ground breakers (the ORIGINAL Halloween, Friday the 13th, Blair Witch, Paranormal Activity, Scream, Underworld even the Sixth Sense and Saw) I love watching the way they take a great story and twist and turn it to bring an all new type of scare.  In the sequels, I love seeing how many new ways they can add until they completely destroy the original story (Halloween 3- the Season of the Witch and Jason X are good examples) and then how they attempt to disregard those throwaway films and bring it back on track.  One of the fun things about October is that Syfy network brings us the 31 Days of Halloween.  A whole month of horror films, Ghost Hunters and other paranormal reality shows.  Other channels will do marathons and such but we can always count on there being one channel (FX has handed that over to Syfy) that does a month long event.

So that's MY October- I hope you have a terrific month planned too!     

Making a change

In the last bunch of days I have been giving myself the gift of a self-imposed mini-break from the internet.  I haven't been away completely; I have been on in the mornings but in the evening, as soon as dinner is ready I have been joining my other half in the living room and spending the evening with him and the pups.  It started without me really even realizing what I was doing.  We have very few shows that we watch together.  Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen and Master Chef, The Great Food Truck Race, Survivor-and a few sitcoms as well.  If you look at our DVRs, mine is more hour-long dramas and what he likes to call my "chick shows" (ie- Project Runway) while his is documentaries, sitcoms, comedy specials and stuff like that.

 After 25 years (28 if you are counting when we started dating), we have developed very big differences in our tastes.  We don't necessarily agree on movies, television shows, food or even what to do on the weekend.  Even though we do so very much together- heck, we rarely even go to the store alone; when we are at home together in the evenings we have fallen into the pattern of me in my "office" area, him in the living room.  He is watching his shows, more likely playing his Playstation 3 while I watch my shows and play around online.  It was as if we were in entirely separate places even though we are less than 10 yards apart.  For me it was time for me to relax my joints and muscles and let the day wash off of me, for him it was time to relax and de-stress after long days.  We would each eat dinner in our respective areas and then come back together to walk the pups.  Once we got home, it was go back to the way things were before we left until it was time for bed then we would talk.

The change started at the beginning of the summer while the Ramsay shows were on.  He would tape them and then we would watch them the next night while ate dinner.  During commercials we would talk about our day, we would walk the pups and then watch the next episode.  It was a nice change of pace for both of us so gradually I started joining him in the living room for dinner and just staying out there once we got back from the walk.  It was natural. Don't get me wrong- there are nights that we separate so we can each watch something the other is not interested in but for the most part- it has been nice.  I still don't talk too much about how I am feeling physically- I just don't want to gripe every night, but he can see when I get up to walk to the kitchen or the shower what the hot spots are.  I never would have anticipated this.  I know that sounds silly, I mean we ARE married and we ARE still pretty crazy about one another but when you spend every waking hour together other than work- it's natural to want a little time to yourself.  I think we just took our solitude and made it a habit.

 Fortunately- this is one of those habits that is easier to break than most.  All it took was me stepping away from my office area and him watching shows we both enjoy rather than playing video games.  Now we each get time when we first get home to chill out and after dinner we get to spend time together.    I still have my iPad when I want to play online and he has his pc next to his chair so he can play games on there while we sit there together.  I put this all out there so that if we are friends on Facebook or Twitter and you think I have disappeared- I am still here, just at a much smaller amount of time.  

Back on the Roller Coaster

I have shared RA Guy's Roller Coaster post here before.  If you haven't seen it, please check it out because it is exactly how MY RA feels much of the time.  Up and Down, up and down.  I am best managed by a solid routine- but my "routine" hasn't been solid now for....by the end of this week, 18 weeks.  That means that my roller coaster is moving at an even higher rate of speed.  I could sit here and give you a litany of the aches and pains, but I don't even want to go there.  You don't deserve to be bored that way and the less I think about it, the better.   One of the least pleasant side effects of this, however, is my *stupid* insomnia.

I have been up since 2am.  I have dried my still-wet-from-last-night's-shower hair, had a pot of Dunkin Donut's Pumpkin Spice Coffee (super yum, not sure if the half pound is worth the price of a full pound of regular, but I digress), decided what I want for dinner- and that it will require a stop at the store, read some stuff for work, played with the dogs, put them out, brought them back in, fed them breakfast, gave them treats, fiddled on Facebook, had a bowl of cereal, worked on my personal calendar, and now- when I would normally be getting ready for work- I am ready for a nap instead.  Oh- and I am working a minimum 10.5 hour days the rest of the week.  Needless to say- it's going to be a long one.  I still have to get dressed, flat iron the hair (it has a bump from putting it up wet), cut my mango and kiwi for lunch, and send some notes from my reading to my work email address.  My list of work to be done is pretty extensive this week so I will be making notes of my notes.  I have deadlines upon deadlines- punctuated by meetings.  The meetings greatly cut into my "real" work time.

All of this just serves to make me cranky.  Okay- crankier than usual.  I can't remember the last night I slept a full 8 hours.  Here's the thing.  While for many years I slept about 4 hours a night- that was by choice.  When it is not by choice- and when it is closer to 3 hours- I don't like it.  It's just another of those " I no longer control my own life" things that having a chronic illness brings.  I hate being out of control.  I don't like feeling powerless, especially when it's my own body and my own life that we are talking about.

So my question is this- what do YOU do when you feel like your illness is the one who has control over your life?  How do you take back your power over this disease?

I am thinking I can slip in a 45 minute nap right now but I will be checking back to see if you all have any ideas.  

Don't count me out!

As a rule, I am very open about the fact that I live with both Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia.  I am most assuredly not ashamed of these illnesses because I know that I didn't do anything to "deserve" them or to "cause" them.  That said, I have found that there is a big difference between talking about it and acknowledging that I need help on occasion (stupid drink bottles can be a royal pain in my...hands) and publicly using assistive devices.  

It's funny, I can ask for help with carrying something or opening something or even having to sit down when my feet, back or hips start hurting and people don't think anything of it.  It's when I have to bring out the cane that suddenly people treat me as if I am a fragile flower and I am incapable of doing anything physical.  It's as if that cane is a visual cue that screams "SICK" or "IN PAIN".  The irony is that when I use my cane it is often because I have gone over that very thin line and the pain is beginning to affect my balance.  The pain level itself has something to do with it, but I can power through the pain, I am just afraid that I will fall.  That said- I have far worse pain in my back, in my neck my shoulders and my hands on a regular basis- you just can't see it because there is no cane for those body parts. 

The fact that I am treated so differently based on whether or not I need to use that cane makes me completely understand why many of  my CI friends are hesitant to discuss their illness with their employers.  I don't want to be viewed as ineffectual. The fact that my muscles or my joints are weak doesn't mean that I am weak. I don't want people to view me as "disabled" or have less confidence in my ability to perform my duties.  I don't want them to treat me as if I can't do something when I can, it just may take me a little longer.  

I don't want pity either.  The very last thing I want is for people to feel sorry for me.  I certainly don't feel sorry for myself and I don't understand why anyone would feel badly for me.  It's hard for me to accept when someone says "Oh, you poor thing" or "Oh, I am so sorry".  I don't quite know how to respond to that.  If I had the time I would tell them that living with the pain, the weakness in my joints and muscles and the knowledge that this is a life-long illness has made me stronger.  It has forced me to make changes in my life that have been such a blessing.  It has given me a reason to slow down and realize how lucky I am to have the wonderful friends and family that I have been given.  It has shown me how to appreciate the good days and it has shown me how to survive the bad with grace and humor.  Crazy as it sounds, it's almost been a gift.  

I would tell them that I do know my limits and for the most part I stick to them- but if I don't, I know the consequences and I can live with them.  I would tell them that it's far better to give me the option to try something and fail at it than to assume that I can't do it to begin with.  I would tell them that I am much stronger, internally and externally, than I look and just because I have this illness lurking inside me, it doesn't change my resolve.  I would tell them that whether it's true or not, when they don't allow me to make that decision on my own; it feels as if they don't believe in me.  I would tell them- Don't count me out, because I am more capable than even I knew; with or without my illness.  

To Medicate or Not to Medicate?

There seems to be, in the Rheumatoid Arthritis/Fibromyalgia/ Autoimmune illness support boards that I am a member of, a wave of people who are ...hesitant to take different classes of medications for their illnesses. This is a rather touchy subject in general and the delivery of opinions has the ability to put people on the defensive about the choices they have made. Because of this, I have tried to stay as far away from it as possible. I will happily share my personal experiences but not give an opinion.

There are a couple of different schools of thought in this skirmish. First is the "all these medications are poison" group. These folks are the people who feel that we should not use drugs but should treat it naturally. I can completely understand the desire to manage the illness and achieving remission by changing your diet, adding supplements, or losing weight and exercising. If it were that simple we would all be in great shape and we would all be in remission. Sadly, we are not. I am in no way adverse to using " alternative" therapies such as acupuncture to control pain and eliminating foods if it keeps you from flaring. If it works for you, more power to you! The problem is that, as the commercial says; "Your RA is not my RA" and what works for you is not necessarily what will work for me. I would not presume to push my therapies on anyone & I have an expectation of the same respect. Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same way. There are some who are so militant about not taking medication of any sort that I liken it to PETA taking on KFC. They will never even bend to acknowledge that there might be another way. How helpful or supportive is it to see comments like "well, if you want to slowly poison yourself..." or "the ONLY way to treat this is the way I do it!"

The second part of this is the anti-pain medication group. It's hard enough to deal with the people- be it family, colleagues, ER docs etc who don't understand the pain we live with- without having people in our own community second guess the choices we make in regards to pain management. The largest segment of this group seems to be the folks who are just past the stage of diagnosis and grieving and are beginning to really look at their disease as a reality. They are also beginning to take part in their treatment beyond just doing everything that the doctors suggest {**Disclaimer**. I am not even remotely advocating that anyone go against their doctor's recommendations; I merely feel very strongly that we must ACTIVELY partner with our doctors in our treatment because no one can listen to our bodies the way we can.} and they are beginning to question the different methods of pain management. The questions, if not phrased carefully in the community can come across as both accusatory and judgmental. An example of what I am talking about goes something like this: "Joan" posts that she is just back from her doctor who has prescribed Tramadol (aka Ultram) but she's not sure how she feels about it and wants to know what others have experienced with this drug. Joan receives 30-35 responses. Of those, the first 10 or so are from people who have taken the drug letting her know the good and the bad that they experienced. From "it really helped" to "It didn't touch my pain" to "It worked but I had these side effects" to "I had an allergic reaction"; any genuine and sincere response would help Joan make her decision. BUT- in comes the monkey wrench in the form of the naysayers. You know the ones that I am talking about. The ones who say "I wouldn't take that- you don't want to become an ADDICT!" or the "I don't care what the doctor says, I only take my pills once a day because they just work with Big Pharma and want us to buy more pills.". Or "Taking pain pills will only mask the pain*". Following the initial one of those comments, the conversation tends to devolve very quickly. The devolution usually begins with something like "I take that and I am NOT an addict!" and goes downhill from from there into an argument that becomes both heated & personal. When that happens, those first responses that are the information that Joan was looking for are drowned out by the bickering & may even serve to scare Joan away from asking from help in that forum for a long time. Rather destroys the "supportive" atmosphere of the community, wouldn't you think?

I want to take a moment to address the " masking the pain" comment. I have seen & heard that more than once. When I heard it from a person who is healthy & is not living with any illness, I could roll my eyes & take it for what it is worth. When I see it written as an admonishment by someone who claims to live with a chronic illness, I have this to say: There is a reason they call it chronic pain. It is NOT GOING TO GO AWAY! If you pull a muscle, or break your leg, have a surgical procedure or a toothache & want to refuse pain meds, more power to you. In those cases I don't like to take much more than OTC meds myself. The pulled muscle will rebound, the broken bone & surgical site will heal & a dentist can fix the tooth. Taking heavy pain meds to mask that kind of pain can indeed allow you to fool yourself into thinking you are farther along in the healing process than you are which can lead to a setback if you overdo things. I get that. The difference is that those conditions are temporary! When we take pain medications for a chronic illness, we can hope it masks the pain enough for us to be able to get back to living a productive life. If you choose not to take pain medications, or choose to take them in a different manner than prescribed, I will have little to no sympathy when you complain about the things you are unable to do because of your illness. That may make me uncharitable but I can live with that since you made your choice and had no problem chastising those of us who feel differently than you do.

Essentially there are two messages to put out there. 1- Chronic illnesses like RA are very individual. Each of us has differing amounts of pain & damage, different onsets & respond to different therapies. Sharing your experience can be very helpful, insisting that your way is the only way and being dismissive of any other treatment options, not so much. 2- I have seen the judgement and infighting destroy relationships over the years, prime examples are discussions about religion and parenting styles. I am over that kind of message board so when I see it start bubbling up and take over multiple threads, I un-join & don't look back. I don't feel that that kind of negativity is beneficial to my health so I move on to find a more positive place.

We have enough battles to fight, against our illnesses, against our insurance companies, to educate those who don't understand and such. We just don't need the added stress. It's a difficult decision whether or not to try different medications in hopes of taking back control of our lives. We just have to remember that no matter what anyone says, the decision has to be our own because we are the only one who will live with the consequences.

Is there an app for that?

Have you ever thought about posting something and held off?  All day yesterday I wanted to post a specific post but I think it would have sounded pretty bitter so I thought the whole thing out, figuratively getting it off my chest- then let it go.  Also yesterday I composed a pretty long post about something that is beginning to concern me in some of the RA/Fibro support message boards that is ready to go and sitting on my iPad.  I have a pretty cool app that I like for blogging that will post straight from there to here.  I was planning on posting it today but decided to hold off when I had this little thought buzzing around in my head that I can't get rid of.

I love my iPad.  I like my iPhone a lot too- but I am really glad I bought the iPad.  I am currently playing a scrabble-like game (Words with Friends) with 8 different people all across the country.  I have my blogger app,  one called Editions which is a "newspaper" that AOL puts out that customizes the news content to your interests on a national and local level.  I love Flipboard.  Flipboard pulls together your Facebook, Twitter and other website news into one client as well.  I have Netflix on there- which I also enjoy, ESPN Scoreboard, GetGlue (think foresquare for entertainment), different games and my Nook - all of which I use every day.  It also is close enough to a laptop that I can tear myself away from my computer.   I have taken videos from it and emailed them directly to my son and sisters, and better pictures on both the iPhone and iPad that I have ever taken with a camera.  I have discovered that I actually DO take decent pictures- of landscape and the sky.  Not very exciting- but I have a thing about looking at the sky.  I can watch clouds for hours and love to lay out an look at the stars.  It reminds me that there is so very much more out there than just me.  It's a good way to check my self when I am feeling overwhelmed or when I am feeling a little too big for my britches.

What I was thinking last night- it came to me as I was just falling asleep was that I need an app for gratitude.  I am not great about journaling long-hand but if I see it sitting on the front page of my devices- it will prompt me. Plus- I think about something I am grateful for during the day and with my "RA/Fibro Fog- Swiss Cheese" brain- it's gone before I get home to my journal.  Having it with me electronically might help with that.  So this morning, I downloaded a couple.  We will see which one I like best.

While I was fooling around in the iTunes store, I plugged Kindness into the search engine.  From there I bought an app called "Abundantly Me" which gives me a task every day to have a positive effect on my world.  There is a website like that which I LOVE- but there is no app version of that one.

I honestly didn't think I would find these or anything like them.  I should have known better. What I need is an app that will let me sleep, will clean my house, will cook when I don't feel like cooking - you know, the daily things that are tedious or are not getting done completely.  Maybe what I really need is a time slowing app so that I can really get everything done.  Too bad that no developer is working on that one because I know a lot of people who could use it!  

Reality (?) TV

I have a small confession to make.  I enjoy Reality Competition shows.  This summer I am watching Project Runway, Big Brother (for the first time), Wipeout (SO FUNNY) and Top Chef Desserts.  Pretty much ANY food competition- from Iron Chef to Chopped to Food Network Challenge and Food Network Star- we will watch.  During the "regular" season I watch Survivor, Top Chef and occasionally Design Star.  

I also watch some of the...less competitive shows- What Not to Wear, Celebrity Rehab (It's a train wreck I can't stop looking at), Inside the Actor's Studio, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, DietTribe, Ghost Hunters, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, Tabatha's Salon Takeover- you get the idea.  

That said- I feel that "reality" tv has gone too far.  I speak specifically of Toddlers and Tiaras.  There is a big controversy about this show at the moment.  One of the "parents" (and I use that term loosely) dressed her 3 year old in the same "costume" as Julia Roberts wore as a hooker in Pretty Woman.  Her defense to the controversy is "It's not like she's pushing the child into sports where she could get injured".  My two cents on this is very simple- and has not changed due to the controversy.  I feel that this show is nothing more than a parade of small children for pedophiles to get their jollies from.  I pretty much loathe everything it stands for.  I cannot believe that it is still on the air.  

I don't come into this based on news reports and such, I have actually sat through a few episodes in order to form my own opinion.  What I saw made me ill.  I saw "mothers"-and I put that in quotations because I have seen pro sports coaches who were easier on their players- who tarted these little girls up with fake tans, fake teeth (seriously?  Flippers because a child had the nerve to lose a tooth?), hair extensions and more makeup than I wear in a year.  I saw them teaching them to "walk sexy" and "flirt with the judges".  I saw them blow off their other kids because they were too busy coaching the little one.  I saw several of them literally spending their last dime on formal wear for their 3 -7 year old and deny their other children.  I saw them yelling and screaming  at one another and their children who had the nerve to get tired waiting around or not win.  That was just the parents.  

The kids were a whole different story.  Spoiled, obnoxious and bratty are the best way I can describe their behaviour.  I saw them kicking, hitting, biting and screaming at their parents.  I saw them behaving the same way with their siblings.  I saw them pulling the whole "mean girl" thing on one another while the parents encouraged it.  I saw them throw their things around and have hissy fits like I have never seen before because they were told "no".  Their whole lives are wrapped up in what titles and trophies they win.  How can any of this be healthy?  These children are taught that they are to focus on their looks and can get away with anything as long as they perform on cue.  

I feel like this show, and Jersey Shore (never seen it and won't watch) and the Real Housewives (seen it and won't watch) shows and the like are nothing more than rewarding people for bad behaviour.  The more obnoxious these people are- the better the shows do and the more attention the shows get.  I just don't understand that.  Now- Survivor has had a few of these obnoxious cast members- and while watching I hoped for them to be voted off every single week.  I don't think that behaving like an ass needs to be glorified.  I was SO disappointed that Survivor brought *Russell* back season after season.  It's not cute, it's not funny and to keep rewarding someone for being a jerk is not a good message to send.  

So if you watch any of these shows on a regular basis- please share with me what the appeal is for you.  I just don't get it.  

Random Thoughts

I have been up since just before 2am.  It's not the puppies' fault this time but instead the insomnia is due to the fact that I am back to work today after a wonderful four-day weekend of napping and resting and relaxing.  The only "down" point this weekend was not getting to use the jets in the therapy pool yesterday because there was an AOA water pilates class in the pool after my yoga class.  Oh- and my left knee hates me and the elbow on the opposite side is on it's way.  We won't even talk about my back.  Physical junk aside- knowing I have to go back to work today did not give me a good night's rest.  I stared at the clock hour after hour until I finally gave up and came down and turned on my pot of java.  It's not the work per se that kept me up; it's knowing that there are a million things to do this week and even though I left a list before I left on Friday, I kept thinking of things that need to be done and the brain would not shut down.  So here we go with some random thoughts:

Until I got my own handicapped plate, I never really thought about who was parking in Handicapped spaces.  I never parked in one myself- I think it is EXTREMELY RUDE when someone does who doesn't have the appropriate hang-tag, sticker or plate.  On the other hand- maybe being rude and stupid is a handicap.

Speaking of parking spaces; I really have an issue with the "New and Expectant Mother" Spaces (aka the Stork parking depending on where you live).  I have been pregnant.  I have a 24 year old to prove it.  Pregnancy is not a disability.  I know women who act as if, because they are pregnant, they are incapable of doing anything remotely related to work and as if they deserve having everything done for them because they procreated.  Yep, it's uncomfortable to have to walk a long way when you are uber-pregnant but there is no regulation to these spots.  Just the other day, running errands, we parked about half way through the parking lot because all of the close spots were taken and as I hobbled up with my stupid cane, we passed the stork parking where 2 cars had just pulled in.  One was a little chickadee who was barely pregnant and was  giggling to her girlfriends about getting to take the close spaces for the next 7 months.  The other was a guy- no baby in tow- he just parked there and went inside.  Seems to me that if you NEED a close space because of a problem pregnancy, you should be issued a (very) temporary handicap hang-tag.  Heck- I don't care if they issue them for 3 months at the end of pregnancy through a standard maternity leave, but I do care when they take handicapped spaces away for this kind of thing.  If they don't want to change the sign- have OBGYN's issue a special hang tag that lasts through 6 weeks after the due date when it's needed- but only when it's needed.

Sally Hansen Crackle nail polish is fun.  I don't know about you but it's the little things that make me happy.  I bought two colors of this stuff- Antiquated Gold (which I am wearing on my toes over Sally Hansen Forbidden Fudge) and Ink Splatter (which I am wearing on my fingers over Sally Hansen Tyin' the Knot).  It took half of forever to find the black (Ink Splatter) and next I am putting it over Revlon's Lasting Mocha or OPI Chicago Champagne Toast.  It's an overcoat.  You put on your regular polish as usual, then put on a coat of the Crackle and as it dries, it does just what it says, it splits open in random patterns and leaves a neat look all over the nail.  Giving yourself a mani with RA hands can be tough and time consuming- but the results are worth it.  My nails are not in terrific shape to begin with- they tend to crack and split, but when I have polish on them, I tend to be more aware of them.  Here's a picture of the hands that I took to share with my friend who turned me on to this the other day:

Side note- operating a camera on a cell with one hand and midget fingers- not so easy!

This next thought is two-fold:

1- Sales clerks and cashiers are people too.  As you may know- I am in a sort of specialized retail business.  It's tough when your customers have to buy the product and just plain don't want to have to spend the money.  That said, my booksellers in the aisles and cashiers don't control the prices, I don't control the prices, heck- my COMPANY doesn't control the prices.  We purchase from publishers, distributors and wholesalers and the contract that we have with our client sets the mark up. Incidentally- it's the smallest margin I have ever seen.  Not only is the standard industry mark-up lower than most anything (Computers are the only thing I can think of that is lower) but our specific contract is lower than the industry standard.  We work extremely hard to have the correct product on the shelves when the students need them, we work extremely hard to give the best customer service possible (and our secret shopper scores reflect that) and yet we take more verbal abuse face to face than any other industry that I can think of.  I don't know when manners went straight out the window but I was not raised to treat people like that.

2- The words YOU PEOPLE makes me crazy.  As in "I don't know how you people sleep at night."  or "You people are ripping us off." or "I bet you people are enjoying that fat Mercedes out in the parking lot with what you charge."  (that said to a woman who drives a 14 year old Ford) "I can't believe you don't have the size I need- you people are incompetent!".  This is the kind of thing that is said to my booksellers on a regular basis.  It makes me crazy.  Does it make them feel better to be nasty to the person ringing up the sale?  And this is not just students, it is their parents too.  Way to set an example.

Now- not all customers are like this- it's probably one in 100 or more, but they are the ones that stand out and can ruin someone's day. One of my "kids" (we hire between 10-12 temps every semester to help us with the influx) said to me the other day "I can't believe the way people talk us.  It's horrible!  I don't know how you do this all year long!"  My point here is this- when you go to any store and you are not satisfied with the product selection or when you go to a restaurant and you are not satisfied with the food, or when you go to have any type of service performed and are not pleased with the prices; please, I beg of you, remember that your cashier, your receptionist, your server- has no control over anything but your experience.  They don't control the prices, they don't control the product selection, they don't control how your food is cooked.  They control how friendly they are, they control how their portion of the service is performed; that is all.  Most importantly, they are people just like you.  They have families, they have responsibilities, they have hobbies and interests outside their work.  They have good days and bad.  You don't know what they are going through or have been through in their lives.  You don't see the work that goes in to getting ready for you to be there.  Trust me- 90% of those people (and the other 10% won't last long) work their tails off to be sure that their place of business is clean, stocked and ready for you.  The magic fairies that do all the grunt work have all quit and it's up to us.  So unless the person waiting on you is rude or truly provides bad service, don't take the frustration out on them.  Actually, even in the event of bad service- pointing it out to them probably won't help- you should talk to a manager and if that is not satisfactory, go up the chain to corporate if needed.

Well, that's on what is bouncing around in my brain this morning.  Time to go cut my fruit, get my shower and  get ready to head back to work.  I hope you have a terrific day.

Labor Day is Feeling Appropriate This Year

According to the US Department of Labor, the Labor Day holiday is this:

Labor Day: How it Came About; What it Means Labor Day, the first Monday in September, is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.  

Well, after the last six or so weeks, I am truly feeling the meaning of the holiday this year. I have been working hard- far too hard.  So much has changed in my profession since I started this seven years ago.  When I got into the college bookstore business there was no online ordering and this year I would estimate that we pulled, pack and processed over 1600 orders.  When I started in this business, we did not have textbook rentals, this semester we had over 300 titles that were available to rent.  When I started in this business, there were no digital titles, this semester we had hundreds of titles available.   Each of these processes are a lot of additional work, and like every industry- with the recession means far less payroll.  In the last two years- after the initial "right sizing" (losing 3 full-timers) and the retirement of our store manager (with no replacement of hours- so that's 160 hours a week in total from when I came to this store) -I have lost an additional 15% of payroll.  The work cannot suffer- so my Assistant Manager and I have been working our tail feathers off for 6 weeks or so.

 I am flat out exhausted, just over a rather large flare and still feeling a small but persistant one with only two "good" days in between.  I have taken most of the last three days to rest, relax, and do nothing more than watch movies and tv shows, nap and snuggle with my family.  Essentially, I have been a bump on a log since my infusion Friday.

Today, we are going to go to the Zoo, we have a yearly membership and our zoo has a new baby polar bear that we have yet to see.  The heat has broken and it's a very cool 73 here today.  Perfect weather for a stroll around our little zoo to see the animals and shake off the cobwebs. Then when I get home I will take a nap and get some of my box of magazines gone through.  Hubby parboiled some country style ribs last night so we can toss them on the grill today along with packets of potatos, carrots and onions for dinner.  I am also stopping for parchment paper so I can make the Chex version of Rice Krispy Treats for my lunch box.

  It's time to stop burrowing in and start living again.  I gave my assistant manager Friday off and I am taking tomorrow.  I am going back to my Yoga class (THANK GOD because it helps so much) , going to sit in the therapy pool with the jets as long as I can, then run some errands and get some housework done.   I am still going to take it easy- but I am more than ready to get back to my routine.  Tomorrow, while I am in the lazing around phase I am going to figure out how to give myself time for Yoga, time to walk more, time to write, time to relax.  Basically, restructuring my routine to get all of the things I want done.  When I go back on Wednesday- I will need to look forward to the things we need to get done and how to integrate it into my new routine.

I hope you have a lovely holiday today- and rest as it is meant to be.

For the first time ever, I caved

And I am really wrestling with it.  I would have normally worked until 5, 6, 7pm last night but I just couldn't.  I went home from work at 2pm.  The reason I am wrestling with it is that I feel horrible about leaving, but on the other hand, I DID do a 7 hour day.  I know I push myself too hard but it's that time of year.   

I also hate that this flare is affecting my work at all.  I have always tried to keep them as separate as possible but it just crept in on me this time.  Plus- I could have held out had I used my cane yesterday but with my arm hurting- that wasn't possible. 

Today, I am bracing my elbow, taking my naproxyn bottle with me and am using my cane.  I am just not ready to have my stupid illness beat me.  I am not, I am not, I am not.  I saw a friend yesterday- who is also hurting in a big way, and she was applying for her FMLA.  I just wanted to give her a hug but that would have hurt to much so we just stood there and commisserated for a bit.  I hate this for her- and it makes me more thankful that my workplace is a little more understanding. 

Oh well, all I can do is keep my chin up and press on.  I just keep telling myself that This Too Shall Pass....

Well, this is an interesting development

I have been overdoing it.  I know I have, I push myself too hard.  If you have ever read the Tao of Pooh, I am a classic Tigger.  If you have not- here is what Benjamin Hoff says about Bouncy Tigger: 

"A fish can't whistle and neither can I." There's nothing wrong with not being able to whistle, especially if you're a fish. But there can be lots of things wrong with blindly trying to do what you aren't designed for. Unfortunately, some people aren't so wise, and end up causing big trouble for themselves and others. The wise know their limitations; the foolish do not. To demonstrate what we mean, we can think of no one better than Tigger, who doesn't know his limitations ('Tiggers' can do everything'), which brings him in lots of trouble.

Having overdone it these last few weeks, I am starting to pay for it.  Knees, hips, right wrist and elbow joints  have been talking to me all week along with the attached muscles.  This morning, I rolled out of bed-very slowly- and made my way down stairs with the intention of coffee and then heading in to work for a few hours.  As I sat in my chair to wait for the coffee to brew I felt like a giant walking bruise with throbbing bits here and there.  When the coffee dinged, I went in and attempted to pour that pot.  As I lifted it, pain shot through my arm and I started to shake. This is a new flare symptom for me- the extreme weakness and instant shaking on top of the pain.   It took two hands to get the coffee into the cup.  That doesn't tickle when you have one hand on a hot pot to steady it but the heat did serve to loosen my left hand a bit.  I drank my coffee and took my meds, hoping it would settle the pain enough for me to get to work. 

I drank most of the pot of coffee and waited longer than I wanted before heading out.  The next two weeks will be absolutely nuts (I anticipate 6am to 9pm on many days) so I stopped at Target last night to get granola, new snack bars and cereal and on my way this morning at Kroger for greek yogurt and bagels to stock my space at work as there won't be time for anything other than meals on the run.  I carried the yogurts and bagels to my car and had to sit for a few minutes to stop the shaking before I drove.  I made a quick stop at my local gas station (the only place in town that has my Dunkin Donuts coffee) and had to use 2 hands to carry a 24oz coffee on the car.  It was at that point I gave up.  I sent a text to my assistant manager who was going to try to come in after church and family obligations today to help me and told her to not bother, that I was hurting and was taking the day off.  I went ahead to work and dropped off all of the food (it took several trips) and headed in to Kentucky for cigarettes (don't judge) for hubby and I and that cemented my decision when I couldn't hold on to a cup of ice with my right hand. 

I came home feeling quite defeated, to be honest.  My body is once again betraying me this time in a major way.  I feel like I am too weak today to do much of anything today.  I have watched two episodes of Alphas while I sent an email to a friend and wrote this post.  Hubby has take a couple of bags of my magazine articles upstairs for me and I am heading back to my bed to relax the rest of the day.  I am going to sit on my bed and go through the articles I have saved and watch movies.  I figure if I am somewhat bed bound I can at least get some of the articles I want to reference in the future in binders.  At least that will be productive.  Later this evening, when I make my way down to have dinner, I will email my office with a to do list for tomorrow.  I am thinking that since today was all about doing "clean up" on things my staff was supposed to do last week- this will be a good opportunity to hold them accountable since I cannot physically do it myself.  

Before I sign off and head upstairs- a list of a few things I am grateful for today so that I can get out of my own head and stop letting this make me think unproductive thoughts. 

1-  That this happened on a Sunday, so the store isn't open and people aren't counting on me to be there.

2-  Cable TV- to keep me entertained while I confine myself to my bed.

3-  That hubby has plans today.  He's leaving shortly for a golf scramble for work so he won't be either wanting to go do things or hovering over me. 

4-  That I didn't tell him that because I do appreciate him but I just feel like "licking my wounds" alone. 

5-  Birds-eye Steam Fresh Lightly Sauced Brand.  Their Rigatoni and Veggies in a Tomato and Parm sauce will be an easy, healthful dinner this evening. 

Now- I am off to lay in my bed and hope my body cooperates with this enforced day of rest.  That way I can get back to the salt mines and be useful tomorrow and through the rest of my rush. 

Girlfriends

When I was growing up, I had a few friends who were girls but I tended to relate more to boys.  It comes down simply to the way women relate to one another as opposed to how men relate to one another.  With girls (especially during the teenage years) when they get angry there is drama and tears and so much more.  With guys, when they get angry- they punch one another and it's over.    I have a low tolerance for drama so it was easier to just hang out with the guys. 

Now- in my forties (and starting in my 30's)- my tolerance for drama is even lower but I have come to appreciate the benefits of having girlfriends.  I have a few, but they are geographically all over the place and I miss them.  I miss the cameraderie, I miss having someone to really talk to, I miss having someone to do girl stuff with- mani/pedis and all sorts of things that men just don't enjoy.  I know that I can call them at any time- but it's just not the same. 

So what's the issue?  Well, it's pretty simple actually.  I have become a bit of a hermit and a lot more guarded.  Other than not wanting to disappoint anyone with cancelled plans and such, I have drawn into myself and am having a hard time getting out of my shell enough to make new friends.  Plus- I like being at home.  I am perfectly happy to stay at home with my "babies" and veg out so that is a part of it.  That said, I think it's far past time that I get out there and meet new people.  That's going to give me something to think about and act on after rush.