Being a Tourist

Next week my dear friend is flying in for a week and this time both my honey and I are taking vacation to spend with her.  I am thrilled that Jim gets to take some vacation as well because he works a lot of overtime and usually takes his "vacation" one day at a time.  The last time he took off more than one day was when we had to get back to MA for his mom's funeral.  To have him able to take most of the week off with us is a blessing. 

One of the fun things about having friends and family visit is that we get more of an opportunity to be tourists in our own town.  For this visit we have planned a trip to  The Louisville Mega Cavern  and  The Louisville Zoo  on Sunday with dinner at BD's Mongolian Grille for dinner.  Tuesday we are hitting The Coca-Cola Museum because my friend is as crazy about Coke products as my other half is Pepsi and I am coffee.  That evening we are doing a dinner cruise aboard the steamboat Spirit of Jefferson .  Thursday we are seeing the hometown Louisville Bats and Friday we are touring Waverly Hills.  It's a packed week of seeing Louisville. 
  One of Jim's and my favorite things to do is to just get in the car and drive around the city learning more about it.  We like to check out the different neighborhoods and stop at the hole-in-the-wall places that only locals know and discover places new to us.   After three years here- we are still enchanted with the city and all it has to offer so for us to see it through fresh eyes makes it even more special.


Obviously it is a vacation for her as well, so in addition to all of that, we have reserved every other day to relax, recharge and spend time just visiting and lounging by the pool.  On our "down days" I am planning on cooking up a storm so she can enjoy the fresh, homecooked meals that she doesn't often have time for running her store back in MA.  We both need this time as we each gear up for our respective "Rush" seasons.  We will spend time griping about our jobs (she was my boss and mentor), catching up on people that we know,  picking on my poor, outnumbered, husband and just enjoying each other's company.  It is the kind of vacation that I treasure.  No stress, no worries, no big expectations- just good friends and a good time. 

I have one long, long day today, then a meeting tomorrow and I am done with work for a week.  One infusion on Friday and some light housework and I will be done-done-done.  I hope you all have a lovely weekend and upcoming week. 

Getting back in the saddle

"Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other."
— Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

     Well- it's back to work today.  I am most assuredly antsy.  I have been up since sometime during the 3:00 hour- I stopped looking at the clock around then and tried to go back to sleep but it just didn't happen.  Instead I got up and got *semi-productive*.  I cut three peaches to snack on at work.  I cut a big tomato and cuke for lunch.  I got my meds together.  I have started getting together all the things I need to take to my mom next visit.  I figure if I start putting it in my suitcase NOW- it will be there when I can go again.  I seem to forget something every time.  Unfortunately I can't put my empty flower pots in there-lol.  I think I will leave for work around between 6:30 and 7 so I can get a jumpstart on my email.  I also have a client meeting this week so I need to prep for that and go through everything on my desk before I head out to the floor. 

     I have two things I want to express gratitude for this morning.  First is, as I often give thanks for, my parents.  Though our plans changed significantly and they were unable to have all of their children and grandchildren together, they opened their doors and their arms to me and the pups for the week of my vacation.  For three years now I have spent my Thanksgiving week with them and it has become a tradition but midsummer- this was a first.  As I mentioned yesterday- the dogs really enjoyed themselves and were *for the most part* very well behaved.  Mom and Dad tolerated their "missteps" (Auggie has a bit of a seperation issue and helped himself to several things on bottom shelves while we were gone out one day) with far more grace and humor than I did.  For me, it was like having a toddler misbehave in public.  For them- it was both aggravating and amusing.  Needless to say- my stress level was high about it because I would not want them to dread the puppies coming to visit.  We are still working with Mr. Auggie and they understand that.  I am also grateful that my parents do not feel the need to "entertain" me.  I have another vacation coming very soon where we have packed 4 of the seven days (every other day for the most part) with *stuff* to share with my dear friend so it was very nice to just relax, run errands, visit, and have an unstructured week.  I was able to at the least lay down and rest even if I couldn't nap each day.  That was very needed. 

The second thing I am grateful for is how very well my baby sister is doing post bariatric surgery.  Since the beginning of April when she began this journey she has lost over 65lbs and 10.5 inches.  She could officially shop in my closet if she weren't 6 inches taller than I.  Though I guess she could use my slacks as capris for the summer-lol.  I am so very proud of her.  She is working so hard at this.  She deserves this.  She reached a milestone this week in that she is at her lowest weight since 2005 when she spent a full year getting down while her husband was in Quatar.  She is not just letting the surgery do it's thing- she is out there every day walking and has been going to the Y to use their treadmills when it is miserably hot out.  She is so committed and her hard work is paying off. 

As for me- every day is a bit of a struggle.  I think I need to find it in myself to recommit every single day.  I need to find it in myself to push through the prednisone effects and MOVE.  I need to start taking better care of myself and focus on the positive steps.  I need to set rewards for my non-scale victories and not let the scale be my focus and ruin my outlook. 

That's where I am- getting back on my routine and refocused even despite the sleep issues- re-energized.  Just what one would hope for from a vacation.  That's another thing to be grateful for this morning. 

 

Back from Vacation and Swimming in a Sea of Ben Gay

     This is a double update of sorts.  I had a wonderful vacation with my parents.  Not a whole lot of excitement- which is just what I needed.  We did some errands, we did get some "work" done- but mostly we just spent time together- and that is the most important thing.  The puppies also had a good time.  They LOVE Grandma and Papa's yard and getting to run free and chase the critters.  They were very proud- Harley treed an oppossum and Auggie decimated a Vole.  After that, Auggie just wanted to watch Vole Holes and Harley was able to run without him trailing behind everywhere. 

     I, on the other hand, learned a very serious lesson.  I ran out of my prednisone almost a week before I left.  I went on Sunday to refill it and there were no refills left.  The pharmacy offered to fax over a request for me and contact me.   They called me on Friday morning to tell me it was ready and so I drove into Louisville to pick it up.  I should probably admit that my husband normally drives when we go get my scripts- and that I cannot find my way out of a paper bag without a GPS.  That means that when my GPS failed- I got all turned around- and upset- and then stuck in traffic.  At that point, I called hubby and asked him to pick it up while I was gone and headed west.  Not my best moment on several levels.  First- I got myself worked up in a serious way about the whole thing, and second- having been off the prednisone for 5 days- I was half way to a major flare.  Couple that with driving two hours and I was in rough shape.  Fortunately- after conferring with the parents, I went to CVS and had my script transferred, bought two good braces and a couple of boxes of Thermacare and the flare started to subside within a couple of days. 

    What this tells me is that the Orencia either is not working or has not kicked in yet.  The residual pain in my shoulder, hips and elbow are keeping me up at night.  I am going to have to have a serious discussion with my Rheumy about this.  Over $300 dollars a month for infusions is too much to pay if going off prednisone can set me back so quickly.  The pain makes me cranky and the lack of sleep just adds to it.  When I get cranky- it's just not pretty.  I have another infusion on this coming Friday and then my next appointment with my Rheumy is next month.  Until then, I will keep on keeping on.

      Meanwhile, the puppies settle back into apartment life and I go back to work tomorrow.  I have a semi-short week (four days long hours and then a meeting on Friday) and then it's back to vacation.  I am very much looking forward to my dearest friend coming to visit next Saturday.  She will be here for a week and we will have so much fun.  We are planning all sorts of touristy things and have left plenty of time for just gabbing and enjoying the visit.  It will also give me another week of rest before we head into my Rush at work.  That should be just what I need to get through the next couple of months.   

Huge

ABC Family has a new summer show called HUGE .  This show is set at a weight loss camp for teens and stars Nikki Blonsky (from Hairspray fame) and Hayley Hasselhoff.  When I saw the previews I had some trepidation about how it would be handled but because it is on ABC Family and for the most part they handle difficult topics respectfully- I decided to give it a shot. 

So far, I have been impressed.  I was concerned that they would fall for the easy "fat jokes" for laughs and that the characters would be one dimensional but I was wrong.  Willamena (Blonsky) is funny and rebellious and more than a little angry that her parents sent her to "fat camp".  She is hurting because they do not accept her and is lashing out by refusing to lose any weight.  Amber (Hasselhoff) is a lovely girl who, because she is one of the thinner people at camp and pretty to boot is the center of make attention for the first time in her life.  She is sweet to begin with but the attention is her minefield to cross this summer.  Dr. Rand (played by Gina Torres) is tough on the outside but you can see that she understands from experience what the campers are going through and they have shown that she is not flawless.  Even sibling issues are explored in the characters of Chloe and Alastair.  Though it hasn't been offically stated- when Chloe receives a package from home, she brings Alastair his half- but in the woods far away from anyone.  Rarely does she even speak to Alastair in front of anyone because he is so much larger than she is and has so very many self esteem issues making him one of the "weird" (his own word) kids at the camp. 

The only character I have an issue with so far is Shay (Tia Texada), the camp's fitness coach.  Although not the only person in camp who is in shape (she has an assistant, George, who is the resident hottie and there is also Poppy- the annoyingly perky camp counselor in the girl's cabin) Shay grates on my last nerve.  Think Jillian Michaels in her approach.  Every time she screams at the kids- I just want to punch her in the face.  There is not an ounce of sympathy or empathy in her body.  If I were at that camp- she would be reason enough for me to leave.  If she were not SO grating- she might be a good opposite to Dr. Rand- but unless we find out that Shay was overweight at some point and there is a reason for her seeming loathing of the kids- she will continue to be a stereotype. 

Three episodes in, I am impressed enough that I am looking forward to the each episode.  Rather than focusing soley on weight; we have seen the real issues that overweight teens face.  These include self esteem issues, bullying (from the tennis camp nearby), lack of acceptance and health issues.  As one camper said "It's not so bad being here, it's the only place I have ever felt like not only is the playing field even but we're even on it". 

I also have to give points to ABC Family for their "Live Huge" campaign.  On the site for the show they have put together a panel of experts to interact with fans to help them with the problems that they face.    According to the site: 

At ABC Family, we believe that healthy living means living life to the fullest. In order to live your best life, it’s important to take care of yourself -- physically, mentally and emotionally. Here you’ll be given tips on how to eat nutritious snacks and meals, add exercise into your busy life, and build a stronger, more positive sense of self -- because living a healthy life means having healthy self-esteem too!

Kudos to them for tackling this subject.  More kudos for handling it in the way they have thus far.  I only hope that the rest of the season is as positive as it began. 

How to Unhook Yourself from Negativity

This article landed in my inbox this morning courtesy of my daily email from Oprah.com When you are on a journey toward a positive life, that site is a great resource. I am copying the article in total and will link you at the bottom if you want to explore more

How to Unhook Yourself from Negativity
Oprah.com Sometimes there are people in life with whom you just don't see eye-to-eye. Maybe they rub you the wrong way or, even worse, just don't seem to like you and you can't figure out why. Ed and Deb Shapiro explain why another person's negativity may have nothing to do with you and what you can do to improve the relationship.
No one likes to be in a negative situation, but you don't always get along with everyone all the time. Once, when we were with the Dalai Lama, he said to us, "If we were together all the time, then we would quarrel!"

However, if someone is being dismissive, fault-finding or disapproving and this is making you feel unworthy, insecure or lacking in self-esteem, then it may be because there's a hook somewhere in you for that negativity to latch on too, a place where it can land that triggers all these hidden self-doubts.

For instance, imagine your mind is like a beautiful garden. If you let a pig in your garden, you will have a hard time getting it out, as pigs really like tasty gardens! In the same way, negativity is like a pig that gets in your garden and causes havoc.

How can you get unhooked? Rather than adding fire to fire by being equally as negative, there is another way. In our article "Turn Your Workplace into a Caring Place," we shared the story of how Helen, who had a critical and negative boss, was able to turn the situation around by focusing on kind and caring thoughts toward both herself and her superior.

When you extend kindness toward yourself as well as toward the person you are having a challenging time with, then an extraordinary thing begins to happen: The hook within you begins to dissolve. This means there is nowhere for the negativity to take hold or to land. By embracing yourself with kindness, you are strengthening and reinforcing feelings of self-empowerment, worthiness and personal value. Sending kindness to your adversary transforms her so she's able to release the conflict. It also acts like a shield so any remaining negativity does not penetrate; it cannot land. You can learn how to do this with the loving kindness meditation.

Deb shares a personal story of how she unhooked negativity in her co-worker


Showing yourself and others kindness is like turning compost into roses. Deb experienced this in a very personal way: "Many years ago, I was the administrator for an educational institute in Hawaii, and for some reason one of the teachers really had it in for me. No matter what I did, she disagreed and made me wrong. For administrative purposes, I had to be present at her classes, and, quite subtly, she soon turned all the participants against me. I realized she was triggering childhood memories of being ignored or disregarded, as I would shrink into a small, ineffective place when I was around her. It then emerged that I was going to have to go with her and the class to a remote cabin on another island for a one-week wilderness program. Not my idea of fun! The only option I had was to focus on her during my kindness meditation practice, which I did by holding her in a loving place within me every day for the few weeks before we left.

"By the time we got to the cabin, her attitude had begun to subtly change and she was no longer making me the cause of everything that went wrong. Over the first few days, she changed even more, every so often acknowledging me, but by the end of the week, she was actually including me along with everyone else, once even asking me for my opinion. The interesting thing was that she didn't seem to notice that anything was different. The whole of the class changed with her. I was astonished to watch it happen. The only thing I had done differently was kindness meditation, through which the hook inside me that she had been hanging all her judgment on had dissolved. She had nowhere to put her negativity; instead, it sort of fell on the floor between us. Eventually, it just slunk away, unable to find a home."

All the negative reactions that arise during moments of discord or disagreement can cause great suffering and anguish, but your own anger can do us even more emotional harm than someone else's words or actions. Extending kindness to others is, therefore, really extending it toward yourself as it leaves you in a gentler, more joyful place.

Try Ed and Deb's 3-step loving kindness meditation

It also helps to remember that if someone is hurting you, it's usually because she's in pain. Ever noticed how, when you are in a good mood, it is hard for you to harm or hurt anything? You even take the time to get a spider out of the bathtub. But if you are in a bad mood or are feeling very stressed, then it's easy to wash the spider down the drain. Your own pain spills over and harms anyone or anything in its way. For that reason, someone who incites feelings of discord or enmity actually needs to be loved even more because their pain will be far greater than the pain they are causing. When you become aware of this, you can wish all people to be happy and free from suffering. A truly compassionate and humane act!

Loving Kindness Meditation for Times of Difficulty

    Spend a few minutes on each stage of this practice. Settle your body in an upright and seated posture. Take a few minutes to focus on the natural flow of your breath, while bringing your attention to the heart space in the center of your chest.


     Now, either repeat your name or visualize yourself in your heart so you can feel your presence. Hold yourself there, gently and tenderly. Release any tension on the out-breath and breathe in softness and openness with the in-breath. Silently repeat: "May I be well, may I be happy, may I be filled with loving kindness." Feel a growing sense of loving kindness and compassion for yourself.


     Now direct your loving kindness toward the person you are having a hard time with, whoever it may be. Keep breathing out any resistance and breathing in openness, as you hold this person in your heart and repeat: "May you be well, may you be happy, may you be filled with loving kindness." No need to get caught up in recalling the details of the story. Hold her gently and tenderly, wishing her wellness and happiness.


     Now expand your loving kindness outward toward all people, in all directions, whoever they may be, silently repeating: "May all beings be well, may all beings be happy, may all beings be filled with loving kindness." Feel loving kindness radiating out from you in all directions. Breathe in kindness, breathe out kindness.

     When you are ready, take a deep breath and gently open your eyes, letting the kindness in your heart put a smile on your lips.

Ed and Deb Shapiro are the authors of Be The Change, How Meditation Can Transform You and the World. They are featured weekly contributors to Oprah.com, HuffingtonPost.com and Care2.com. Ed and Deb write Sprint's The Daily CHILLOUT inspirational text messages. They have three meditation CDs: Metta: Loving Kindness and Forgiveness, Samadhi: Breath Awareness and Insight and Yoga Nidra: Inner Conscious Relaxation. Deb is also the author of the best-selling book Your Body Speaks Your Mind, winner of the 2007 Visionary Book Award.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Unhook-Yourself-from-Negativity

Sunday Quotes

If you are also one of my "Facebook Friends", you know that I try to start each Monday through Friday morning with a quote. It may sound like a silly thing, but searching for and posting a quote each day puts me in a good frame of mind. My method is to put whatever is on my mind into google and find a quote that reflects what I am thinking so that I can get positive before I leave for work. I also reflect back on that quote through out the day.

While I am searching for just the right one to start my day- I find so many great quotes from so many sources that I really like but are just not "right" for that day. I thought that this morning, I might put a few of them here to share with you.


"When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it." Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your benefits in stone. ~Author Unknown~


“You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink.” — G. K. Chesterton


“Real life isn’t always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only to survive but surmount our difficulties.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

“Whatever our individual troubles and challenges may be, it’s important to pause every now and then to appreciate all that we have, on every level. We need to literally “count our blessings,” give thanks for them, allow ourselves to enjoy them, and relish the experience of prosperity we already have.” — Shakti Gawain

“What if you gave someone a gift, and they neglected to thank you for it-would you be likely to give them another? Life is the same way. In order to attract more of the blessings that life has to offer, you must truly appreciate what you already have.” — Ralph Marston

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”- Unknown

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you. -Charlie Brown to Snoopy”

“A friend is a hand that is always holding yours, no matter how close or far apart you may be. A friend is someone who is always there and will always, always care. A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.”

"The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together." ~Erma Bombeck

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end." ---Unknown


“Never lose sight of the fact that the most important yardstick of your success will be how you treat other people - your family, friends, and coworkers, and even strangers you meet along the way.”--Barbara Bush

“The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity.” --Benjamin Franklin

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.”--Ashley Smith

“In times of great stress or adversity, it’s always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive.”
― Lee Iacocca

“Gardening is about enjoying the smell of things growing in the soil, getting dirty without feeling guilty, and generally taking the time to soak up a little peace and serenity.”
― Lindley Karstens




I hope you all have a wonderful and productive and pain free week.

Brick Walls

"Brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want something badly enough. They are there to keep out the other people"
— Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture)

Each year on or around my birthday, I like to spend some time looking back at the year that just passed and really thinking hard about what I have achieved and what I did not achieve for the year. This introspection is usually marked by resolutions, if you will, for what I want from the next year of my life. I have not completed this task yet for this year but I did manage to get a small start on it. Rather than doing the ritual "contemplating of my navel"- I spent the weekend with my husband, my parents, my sister and her family which left very little time to look inward until bed time each night.

One thing I did realize is that when it comes to the brick walls that Randy Pausch describes above- I think that I am the one who builds mine. I don't just run into a brick wall standing in the middle of my road, I build it- brick by brick. I am not saying that I am a pessimist or that I don't want changes badly enough to climb over those walls- just that I am the one who stops myself from doing the things that I want to do.

I think maybe I tend to overanalyze things and look for the solutions to problems before they exist rather than searching for the opportunities. That is a mindset switch that I need to make. If I can find a way to break out of that cycle, not only will I get over those walls but they will come tumbling down in the process. The question is- how to do that. That will give me another layer to consider as I decide how to shape the next year of my life.

If you have not seen Randy Pausch's "Last Lecture" I urge you to go to Carnegie Mellon's website and watch the entire lecture. If you let it, it will change you. I am going to watch the whole thing tonight before I start back working through this process.

My best emotional therapy.

While laughter may be the best medicine for what ails you, pets are most assuredly the best therapy. 

This is Harley.  Harley is a 7year old-ish yorkie/schnauzer mix that we adopted over two years ago.  Unlike many yorkies- Miss Dog is most decidedly NOT a lap dog.  She is perfectly content to bring me a toy when I get home, get some love and then go back about her business.  Super sweet and mellow; Harley thinks that every dog and person is supposed to be her friend whether they know it or not.  She has taken on the role of indulgent older sister with our latest family member.  She will tolerate him until she gets tired of him, then she will just wallop him.  She also "fusses" at him if he gets too excited or if he is getting in trouble. 

This is Auggie.  Auggie is about 18 months old and is a cocker spaniel/pekingese mix that we adopted 6 months ago.  He is ALL BOY.  He is rough and tumble and will play with you until you drop from exhaustion.  Unlike Harley- he likes nothing more than being in your lap as long as you have a hand on him.  Also unlike my gentle soul little girl, Auggie has some bad habits (jumping up on you, chewing and he just discovered digging-sigh) and is quickly getting used to hearing the word NO.  What we have to work on is that No means stop completely- not just when Mom or Dad is watching-lol. 

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Yesterday I unloaded the pieces to put together two new fixtures in my store.  It was early in the morning and I wanted to get it done so I did a lot of in myself.  Not the smartest move I have ever made.  Between the lifting and moving and the "window" of the cab falling on me- I managed to hurt myself.  I had finished and was in my office typing when my back seized up.  I seriously felt like I had been hit with a baseball bat and it hurt to so much as breathe.  I haven't felt that sharp of pain in a long time.  Unfortunately, I couldn't leave as I was supposed to be meeting with my client at 4pm.  Fortunately- I always carry spare tramadol and flexeril and was able to take them to slightly dull the pain until I could get home. 

When I did finally get home, I was in a foul mood.  So foul that when I spoke to my husband before leaving work- I jumped right down his throat.  I was in a lot of pain, I was exhausted and I had stayed all day at work for a meeting that had ended up having to be rescheduled about 2 hours before it was to happen.  It doesn't excuse how I handled my mood but it's a contributing factor.  When I got home, I spent a few minutes with the dogs but not as is my usual routine.  The thing about having a pet is that no matter how crappy your mood, no matter what has happened, when you get home at the end of the day- they are just so happy to see you.  Their little tails wag like they will fall off, they come running to see you- they are just happy you are there.  Just seeing them softened my mood enough that when Jim got home I immediately apologized.  My honey forgave me, hooked me up to my TENS machine and sent me up to lay down.  I turned on my heating pad and gingerly lay down to let the heat do its work.  As I laid there, flipping through the channels and wallowing in self pity, I heard a little "boof" from my right side.  Miss Harley was next to the bed and wanted up with me.  I got back up and put her on the bed and before I could get comfortable again, Auggie was right there next to me.  While I had gotten Harley up- he had circled around to the other side of the bed and jumped up to join us.  Though it was what is usually their play time- both dogs had come up to join me on the bed.  They obviously knew something was wrong because they both snuggled up next to me and just laid there quietly beside me for the next hour.  Harley stretched along my leg and Auggie curled up in a ball at my rib cage and nuzzled under my hand so that my fingers were entwined in his silky fur.  Laying there with those two little creatures looking up at me with their big eyes full of love- I couldn't continue feeling sorry for myself.  I closed my eyes and gave thanks for these two beautiful dogs who were there comforting me when I was in so much pain.  That led to thoughts of how blessed I am that we found *these two* particular dogs when we did and that we were able to adopt them when we did and that I have such an understanding husband and how lucky I am  in the rest of my life too.  And before I knew it- the dark clouds over my head were gone.   In less than an hour, they managed to completely heal my soul and bring me back to a place of gratitude.  It didn't chase the pain away- but it did make it easier to deal with and put me back in the right frame of mind.  How could I not be thankful for that?   

  

Challenges

There's a big part of me that thrives on challenges.  Which is fortunate because I have quite a few in my life right now. 

Professionally as I mentioned we are in a transition phase.  My biggest challenge is to bring my staff up to speed and guide them through yet another set of big changes.  In the last three years- they have been through a lot of them and at during each one, there has been some balking.  The problem is that now it's time to really evaluate where everyone is and then take a hard look at where we need to be.  Fortunately, I have the support of my regional, my client and my assistant.

Personally- well, let's just say that some of my challenges have not changed- I just have not risen to them.  I really have to get serious about the weight thing.  It is beyond time.  I need to set a date and a loss as a focal point and really keep my eyes on the prize.  Now- I could do one of the quick fixes- but really- in the long run- it just won't help so I have to remember that it didn't go on overnight- it won't come off overnight and not get discouraged along the way.  In this journey, I have the support of my family and some really great friends.

The next challenge is my RA treatment.  I am currently on prednisone, tramadol and flexeril on a daily basis and have completed my loading doses of Orencia.  Now I am up to a monthly dose of the infusion.  Though I am fully aware that it could take many months to see the effects but at this point- I am not seeing it.  I am tired, achy and my joints are making themselves known. The topper is that wheneever I have the infusion- I lose a whole day to being sick as a dog.  I am feeling like since I stopped the MTX we have taken a HUGE step backward.  My challenge is to stay positive for at least three more months before we have to decide if I will stay on this treatment or switch yet again.  I have been through most of hte DMARDS- I don't know how much is left to even try.  Had my stupid liver not reacted- I would very happily still been on my MTX and doing just fine.  I am a little bitter about this- that too is a challenge.  For the treatment portion- I know that I can talk to many of my "RA Friends" that I have connected with and they will understand.  The bitterness; well- I don't want to be that way- so I need to find it within me to find a positive here.  I don't want to be that person that you see on the various chronic pain message boards who is so consumed by their illness that they never talk about anything else.  I need to find a way to put the pain in the compartment in which it belongs and the medication issues in their own compartment and give myself a break over the fact that my body decided to rebel. 

So those are just a few of my challenges.  Putting them on paper helps to focus my mind.  Hopefully from here I can create a game plan and start working toward a solution on all fronts. 

It's time to catch up

I had a wonderful meeting last week- but that wonderful meeting was focused on big changes coming down the pike.  Our VP addressed management and leadership styles and the biggest message that I got from her was "If you are resistant to change- you will struggle" plain and simple.  Big changes are definitely coming down the pike in the world of college bookstores, I am only thankful that my company gives us the tools that we need to prepare for those changes.

The bad part about leaving for days is that we get behind.  I walked in to 6 pallets of books in my back room- and a short staff on Friday.  That meant that though they weren't expecting me to be there because we do long hours at the meetings and driving over 5 hours home just plain hurts- I had to stay for four hours and then I went back on Saturday for four hours as well.  It's going to be a long couple of weeks and if I don't catch up by the 16th- I will be cancelling my vacation so we can be ready for Fall.  Here's the hard part- one of our charges was to find more "white space" in our calendars.  Looking at that back room- it's going to be tough for the next few weeks and if MY back room looks like that- I cannot imagine what my fellow managers from smaller stores came home to.

It's time to put my nose to the grindstone- and if that means that I work longer hours to get it done, so be it.  The shining light at the end of my tunnel is that I get to spend this weekend with my baby sister- and that is something to keep gratitude in my heart during the hardest of times this week. 

Goodbye Weekend, Hello busy week..

Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them. ~John Shirley

    Well that weekend just flew by!  We didn't do anything spectacular but it seemed to go so quickly.  Friday, my poor hubby got home and took a shower and didn't last long after that.  Friday was our 13th day in a row of 90+ degree weather with huge humidity.  That means that the weather has felt like it was over 105 every day.  He works in a mold and tool company- the warehouses average 130 degrees and it just plain wears him out.  So he fell asleep in the recliner and I took the pups for their walk.  He had to work again Saturday (he does more often than not) so I dealt with the mountain of laundry that needed to be folded.  After napping when he got home- we went out grocery shopping at several different stores in Louisville.  Saturday night we had banana splits that we made at home with Edy's Double Churn low fat ice cream and fresh bananas and strawberries for dinner and enjoyed Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for our movie.  Sunday was Father's Day.  I celebrated with my Dad last weekend because of his schedule this weekend so Jim and I just kind of fiddled around.  We went shopping looking for a portable A/C and were unsuccessful in that endeavor so we got a tower fan instead.  I took him out for teppenyaki for father's day and then we came home and just relaxed.  For dinner I made Brats on wonderful fresh rolls that we picked up at Fresh Market on Saturday accompanied by roasted potatoes and green bean casserole.  The next thing we knew- it was time to take the pups for their evening walk and get ready to go to bed. 

 It's Monday again and the beginning of a weird week for me.  I have a half day of work today and then my third infusion at 1.  We don't know what the infusion is doing for me yet (we are still in the loading phase) but I have found that it does a real number on my stomach for about 24 hours (starting about 4 hours after the infusion) so tomorrow will be recovery day.  Wednesday I head to Dayton, OH first thing in them morning for a two day meeting.  Instead of coming home after the meeting on Thursday I have to head to Ball State to pick up some of their fixtures to add some B&N touches to my store.  Thankfully- my darling father loaned me his truck to do this so I don't have to try and fit them in my new vehicle.    I think they *might* fit- but we just don't know and I don't want to scuff the interior or damage it trying to force cherry fixtures into the back of it.  Once we load the fixtures into the truck I can head back but that will mean that my 3 hour drive becomes a 5 hour drive when I leave Dayton.  Driving is not my strong suit these days.  This will most assuredly mean that on Friday I will be hurting big time in the hips and back.  Friday I will drop off the fixtures and - if I am feeling up to it- help put them together- but then it will be back home to let my joints and muscles recover.  I am incredibly grateful that I have the weekend to heal as much as I can.  The following Monday is the first week of our second Summer session classes so I may go in on Saturday to catch up on anything that I need to do before we get busy again. 

I begin my week this week grateful for my father who is so kind and generous.  I am grateful for my husband who not only supports me in my work and my illness but also is a good "daddy" to our two puppies and will take the majority of their care this week.  Having one is a big responsibility- two can get just plain hectic.  I am grateful for a job that keeps me challenged and that I really enjoy and for a boss who *though I wouldn't wish it on anyone* also lives with RA and understands the ramifications of the illness.  I am grateful for the opportunity to go and meet with my fellow store managers and share ideas and strategies.  We have a terrific region and they are fun people who are good at their jobs.  I learn something new every single time we get together.  I am also grateful that at the end of my crazy next two weeks I get to see my baby sister.  It has been a while since we have been able to be together and she is a big source of support in my life. 

I hope you all have a wonderful week.  I fully intend to!

A winning hand

“Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

How perfect is that for those of us living with a chronic illness who also want to live a positive life? We certainly don't choose to live with constant pain, with the fatigue, with enough medications to rival a small family, with frequent visits to the doctor's office, with medical bills that could fund a terrific vacation. They are just a part of the hand that we have been dealt. It's how we handle that hand that determines whether or not we "win". If you have ever watched the World Series of Poker; it is not necessarily the best cards that win the hand; it's the player that does the most with the cards he or she has been dealt. It's all in the approach that you take.

In keeping with the poker game analogy- if you have ever watched or played a game you know that you can plop ten people down at the same table and you will have ten entirely different "games" being played. People watching is one of my favorite things to do and watching a live poker game can be a lot of fun. From the quiet and serious player who never shows a hint of what is going on in their hand, to the loud and brash player who uses distraction to get inside the heads of the other players, to the person who is just having a good time and enjoying the company and the game no matter what and the guy who is so competitive that he gets visually aggravated and even angry when things don't go their way; personalities are all over the map. I feel like I have met all of these people (and more) while navigating the world of chronic illness.

Many of the people that I admire the most in this part of my life (Yes- YOU Miss Dazey, Wren, Riotkat ) are the ones who take the hand they are dealt and don't just throw down their cards and give up. They take a pretty crappy situation and they not only live with it- they make the best of it as well. Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia are not who they are, it does not consume their life, it is just one facet of a very full life. If you read their writings they live lives filled with love and joy, wonder and peace. You can find Miss Dazey here, Wren is here and you can follow @riotkat on Twitter. These ladies will inspire you- they inspire me on a regular basis. They take the hand that has been dealt them and no matter what the cards; they play to win. I learn so much from them and from the way they approach their lives. I hope you can too.



***The above quote came to me yesterday from Real Simple Magazine. I get a "Daily Thought" from them in my email around 8:30 each morning. As an aside- if I could only read one magazine for the rest of my life- that one would be it. Most magazines I bring home and then literally rip out all of the articles that I want to read, put them in a folder and take them with me to any place that I will have to wait around. With Real Simple- I not only keep the magazine intact- I keep the magazine period because the articles and tips are so good. If you like positive quotes- go to their website and sign up for the Daily Thought newsletter- it gives me a lift each morning. ***

Make your choice

“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend… when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present — love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure — the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.” –Sarah Ban Breathnach

This quote is very important to my life. There are days when it should probably be tattooed on my forehead. The important thing for me is that second sentence- "it is our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend..." Everyone has those days; when you are tired, when you are sore, when you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I am by no means an exception. When I am feeling cranky it is very hard for me to bring myself around to that gratitude place. It is only when I stop and make the decision to find something-anything- to give thanks for that I can flip that switch and change my attitude. The nice thing is that you can do it at any time. You can even, if you have to (and I have), do it many times in a day. There are times when it takes me finding a lot of little things to be thankful for in order to stay in that place all day. It's not easy but it is possible.

This is a lesson that was hard learned for me and I still don't have it completely under my belt. It is very easy to take something small that doesn't go the way you wanted and let it just decimate your day. If you think about it-it's a snowball effect. You get out of bed and stub your toe and that puts you in a mood. Then you can't find the clothes you want to wear. This makes you later leaving than you should be- which puts you in traffic and makes you late for work. You get the point- and that's just the first couple of hours! So why can't we take that SAME snowball and turn it into an avalanche of blessings? The answer is that we can. At first you really may have to work at it but as you make it a regular thing it becomes easier.

I don't know about you but for me when I am having a bad day it seems that the "bad" keeps piling up automatically. If we recondition our thinking; we can make the switch so that our blessings do the same. So which choice will you make today? Will you make it a good day or will you let what happens, happen?

“Gratitude should not be just a reaction to getting what you want, but an all-the-time gratitude, the kind where you notice the little things and where you constantly look for the good, even in unpleasant situations. Start bringing gratitude to your experiences, instead of waiting for a positive experience in order to feel grateful.” — Marelisa Fábrega

The best medicine-for whatever ails you

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”
― Woody Allen

My darling son is, at the moment, suffering from a broken heart. He and his girlfriend of 5 years broke up the other night. They have broken up before- several times- but this time it is particularly ugly. That does not preclude them getting back together- only geography could do that- but for the moment it is not looking that way. As a Mom (with a capital M), there is nothing I can do except be here and listen. Advice would fall on mostly deaf ears.

We talked quite a bit yesterday. We talk almost daily but yesterday was several times. I think what helped most was when I was inadvertently funny. Now- I didn't try to tell him jokes. I didn't say "cheer up". I didn't even necessarily *try* to cheer him up, but those moments when I said something that he found ironic or amusing and he laughed; it most assuredly lightened his heart if just for a brief second. I am thankful for that.

Last Friday I went for my second Orencia infusion. There were 5 women and one man in the infusion room. We were on different medications, we had not met one another before, our only commonality was that we were all sitting in chairs with an IV in our arms and had wonderful nurses and assistants with us. The first time, there was a somewhat difficult patient- a screamer if you will. Older than I and apparently an old hat at this (so often that they have suggested a port), this gentleman evidently screams so loudly that it scares the "regular" patients. The mood was more tense in the room as a whole- and I was more nervous to boot. This time everyone was talking and laughing and the time seemed to go much more quickly. It was not an unpleasant experience the first time; the second time however was much more relaxed and jovial.

It has been said time and again that laughter is the best medicine and I am here to tell you that it is true. Through trauma, pain, grief, a broken heart or a broken body; laughter heals beginning with the soul. Have you had a good laugh lately?

On Perspective

I started my morning as I always do.  After checking my email, I popped over to facebook where I saw a good part of my "recent news" littered by those I like to think of as "The Usual Suspects".    These are the people in my life who CONSTANTLY complain, for whom the sky is always falling, who-always, always, always expect the worst.  I never realized, until I was away from them geographically how really negative they really are.  It makes me wonder if when I was with them- I fell into the same trap. 

I suspect that I did- which makes me even more grateful that I do not live that life (anymore?).  One example is my day tomorrow.  It's going to be chock full of medical appointments.  At 9:30, they are redoing the left side of my mammogram and then also doing an ultrasound.  From there I go straight to PT.  After that I have about a half hour break and then head straight to my infusion for several hours.  Once that is all over I will be able to go home and nap for a bit and then head to see the Pawtucket Red Sox play the Louisville Bats.  It's going to be a long day, yes but the way I see it I am spending most of the day taking care of my health and then capping it with seeing the SOX!  YAY!  While I am not looking forward to most of it- I am not stressing it either. 

Now- if this were one of the people I refer to- there would be post after post about how they probably have breast cancer (the mammogram), the PT is going to hurt, and then hours of sitting there with an IV- oh my goodness!  And that infusion wears me out- oh man it's going to just suck sitting at a ball field all night.  Doesn't it make you tired just reading all of that negativity? 

If you are on my facebook, you know that most every morning I post a quote.  Something to get me in the right mindset for the day.  Today I posted this: 

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.” Unknown

I fully believe that.  I believe that we need to count our blessings and be thankful for the good things in our lives.  When we concentrate on the bad things- we get more bad things and it just magnifies.  When we look at the great things in our lives- not only do we get more good things- but the bad things seem not so all consuming. 

When I was looking for a quote this morning, I happened across this blog: Perspective is Everything .  Though I don't have a nice way to share it with the Usual Suspects in a public way- I am considering sharing it with them one on one.  Maybe they should read about this man who is living from a posititive place while battling MS.  Maybe they should read one of the list of blogs from my friend with RA, Fibro and Lupus.  Most of the folks on my blog roll are also living their best life while fighting their own battles.  Maybe, just maybe if they did spend some time in "our world" they might gain a little perspective on the constant drama that they portray. 

Long Weekend Ahead!

There was a time- not so many years ago- that a holiday weekend for me just meant more time to work at my second job.  One of the very first positive steps that I took on this path was to no longer work a second job.  Wellll- technically that is not totally true.  Seven times a year I act as proctor for the Praxis exam- that's my only "second job"- and it's a sweet gig. 

There are people in my life who cannot believe I have made this change and that is has lasted so long.  I still get comments about working over a hundred days in a row, taking a day off and then doing it again.  As a self-admitted workaholic,even I know that was excessive.  Each and every time I get these comments- I am eternally grateful that that part of my life is behind me. 

This weekend we are shooting down to my folks house.  They are on a wonderful trip of their own.  We are going to go down and make sure the lawn has been taken care of, I will check the gardens and deadhead if necessary, if we need to mow- we will do that too.  We will let the puppies run free in the yard.  We will shoot to the grocery and pick up some stuff and grill.  We will watch Avatar on Mom's big old HD tv.  Basically it will be like we are home- because it is our second home but still like we are away.  We will get some work done and make sure they don't have to do too much when they come home- and then we will come home and do some housework of our own.  Not terribly exciting- but very low key.  We will enjoy that we have three whole days together with no real responsibilities, nothing pressing, nothing to do but relax and enjoy our "babies" and some quiet.  We might even take in the Zoo since we have yearly memberships. 

I hope you all have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.

Making Changes

There are two quotes that I am ruminating on this morning. The great Maya Angelou said:

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain.

The second is the commonly know Serenity Prayer, originally written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr quoted here it its entirety:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Of course- most know just the first stanza of this- it is widely used in the recovery process from various addictions. 

I am someone who is very apprehensive when it comes to change.  I would not say fearful, but I prefer the known, I prefer to be able to plan my life, I prefer routine.  Change makes me a bit anxious.  There are some changes that just must be made though in order to better our lives.  One example of this is my near constant struggle with my weight.  My doctors have told me that my RA and Fibro would be somewhat better if I were to shed the extra pounds.  The stress on my joints would be less and I would have more energy. 
I am currently in my third go round with Weight Watchers.  My struggle can not even remotely be construed as the program not working.  It absolutely works.  The first time I did it- I lost 20 lbs before I got side tracked by the insanity that was my life then and let it go to concentrate on work, school and moving.  The keys in the previous sentence were I got side tracked and Let it GO.  I stopped working the plan.  The plan did not fail me. 

Weight Watchers has several messages that are important to me.  First- they are not a diet, they are a lifestyle.  They give you the tools, they give you the information and it's up to you to make the changes in your life.  It is only your active participation that will determine how well it works for you.    The second is that they do not- in any way,shape or form, advocate deprivation.  In fact- they teach us that depriving yourself is a sure fire way to set yourself up for failure.  For me- that is 100% true.  When I am told I "can't" have something- it become all that I want.  Rather than deprive yourself- WW teaches you to make choices and to moniter your feelings, your portions and motivations.  Do you really want that ice cream sundae?  Is there a way to make it lower points?  Do you need a large or would a kids size do?  After the first, second, third bite- is it still as fantastic as you wanted or is your craving sated?  And if you are planning to have that sundae- what can you eat during the day leading up to it that will leave you enough points to have it.  There is no guilt involved unless you put it on yourself. 

The important thing is that I am the one who needs to be in the mindset to make the change.  I cannot "blame" the fact that my husband can eat anything and not gain an ounce.  I cannot blame that I am too busy, that I am stressed or any other outside factor.  The change has to come from ME.  Each and every meal, each and every snack, each and every sip, is a choice.  I have to stop making excuses and start using the tools that I have been given and work the program the right way.   Back to what Ms. Angelou said- I have to stop complaining and start changing what I don't like. 

I leave you with something my leader Valerie said yesterday that struck me:  "You need to celebrate the small things.  If you don't celebrate small victories you will forget them.  If you forget them-it's easy to take a step back."  It's time to stop beating myself up over the steps back, and focus and celebrate the small victories.   Only then will I be able to go at this from a positive mindset.  Only then will I win.   

Sometimes you need a swift kick in the A$$.

Every once in a while, usually just about the time that I am feeling sorry for myself, I get a nice swift kick in the pants to remind me that no matter how bad, how cranky, how whatever I am feeling- I have it pretty darned good. This time, my "reality check" came when I was not in a "mood" but actually just coasting through the weekend.

I won't bore you with the details but I will say that someone that I know is currently in the ICU in Louisville after having undergone emergency surgery on her stomach this weekend. It was not pretty; her pain was excruciating and I am very thankful that she made it through the surgery and has a good chance of recovery.

As I was saying a prayer last night for my friend, I couldn't help but give thanks for my health and that of my loved ones. In doing so I realized how very grateful I should be. No matter how sore or tired I am- I can get up, I am able to go to work; I am actively involved in my life; I am able to do so much more than I should be able to do. I just can't bring myself to complain about my aches and pains. Do I hurt? Yes. Am I exhausted? Pretty much all of the time. That said- I know that I can come home tonight after an 11 hour day at work, my honey and I can take my puppies out for their walk and then I can go straight to bed if I so choose. I can repeat that process the next two days- if I choose. This weekend I can spend the whole three days in bed- if I choose. For the aches and pains I can up my medication if I need to or I can apply heat or my TENS unit. I have options as to how I treat my condition- what a blessing that is!

It's hard sometimes; when you are hurting on a constant basis-to keep perspective. It's easy to get swallowed up by the pain and fatigue. That said- giving thanks for the health I do have and sending my thoughts and prayers to someone who is much worse off than I am is a good way to bring things back into focus and get me back into a positive state of mind.

Something that made me smile today.

I LOVE THIS!  Everyone should be as focused and exhuberant as this beautiful little girl. 





If this doesn't make you smile- well, you are just a big grump! LOL I wish I had learned affirmations so early.

The Tens Unit

Recently my Rheumotologist and I discussed use of a cane when I am having a rough day.  She decided that it was time to send me back to the Physical Therapist and have me evaluated for any appropriate assistive devices.  At the end of my evaluation for PT, Debbie- my therapist- asked me if they had hooked me up to a TENS Unit during my last course of therapy.  From the blank look on my face, she ascertained that the answer was a big NO and so she thought we should give it a try.  She pulled a heating pad large enough to cover my back to my neck and hooked me up to the machine.  After 15 minutes- my back felt like I just undergone a full hour massage.  I was relaxed, I was not sore- I think I actually drifted off for a couple of minutes. 

According to Carol and Richard Eustice on about.com the definition of a TENS unit is:

 "TENS" is the acronym for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation. A "TENS unit" is a pocket size, portable, battery-operated device that sends electrical impulses to certain parts of the body to block pain signals.

The electrical currents produced are mild, but can prevent pain messages from being transmitted to the brain and may raise the level of endorphins (natural pain killers produced by the brain).

Those little electrical impulses made my muscles in my lower back feel like a thousand bucks.  Indeed- I had less problems going to sleep than I have had in months.  Debbie explained at our next meeting that a home unit could be use on any area that was giving me trouble.  Two appointments later- she sent me home with this unit.  The advantage of this unit is that it is fully portable.  I clips on to my belt area and I can wear it any time and any place.  It comes with the electrodes, alcohol wipes and a lotion for after so that the glue from the electrodes does not aggravate my skin.  In experimenting with it- I have discovered that for the maxmimum benefit I need to hook myself up (with the assistance of my husband) and lay down on a home heating pad.  That said- even when the ability to do that is not there- I can use it on my back and hips and walk around normally with some success. 

My insurance covers assistive devices 80 %.  If I choose to keep this one (and I will) they will automatically send me more electrodes on a regular basis.  The electrodes are reuseable several times but then the glue lessens and I won't have to fool around with trying to find them or ordering them once we see how often I go through them.  I have found that they work wonderfully on my shoulders as well; indeed the only place I had very limited help with the TENS was on my neck. 

I cannot recommend this particular device enough for anyone dealing with chronic pain.  It has been a real boon for me in this period between my MTX and the Orencia.  If you have the access- talk to a physical therapist about trying one.  You may actually find some much sought after relief. 

A Weight Removed

I have a very serviceable 1996 Buick Century.  It's not pretty, it's not flashy, it is literally a little old lady's car.  It came to me from my Great Aunt (RIP) who drove it 48000 miles before garaging it for four years.  I have owned it for just over two years now and it is creeping up on 68000 miles and suddenly- it is limping.  I put a new water pump in it last week because it started overheating and stalling on me and it is not overheating any longer but is still stalling.  The husband and I talked about it and we weren't sure that we wanted to get into potentially expensive repairs on it.  We went to a couple of different dealerships and ended up liking a used Ford Escape at one dealership and a brand new Kia Soul. 

Here's the thing.  We don't have the best credit rating out there- and in this economy the banks are pretty darned tight with financing.  We could buy the Ford- no problem- but the interest rate would be somewhat astronomical.  The Kia people know what we want to spend- and evidently are pretty sure they can get us the financing because they sent me home with the car for the weekend.  I am not banking (pun intended) on getting the financing at the dollar amount we can comfortably afford because we all know that most dealerships will try and talk you into a higher deal.  Needless to say- the beginning of my weekend was pretty darned stressful. 

In talking it over with my parents and with one another- we decided that if we are going to spend a lot of money on a used car (as much as I love the ESCAPE- it has 100,000 miles on it) we might be better off repairing mine- so the Escape is out.  If we don't get the financing on the Soul- a back up plan is now in place.  My parents are leaving soon for a wonderful three week journey and I am going to borrow Dad's truck if needed.  I had already planned on borrowing it to drive to Ball State and pick up fixtures for the store at the end of June so it might just be a bit earlier.  It is such a relief to know that if I am not driving that cute little vehicle next week- I can shoot down to E-ville and grab the truck so we don't have to scramble to trade Jim's truck back and forth between two crazy work schedules and my myriad of doctor's appointments. 

I am so very grateful to my parents- not only for this but for their advice on this matter.  I am lucky to have them. 

Are you a list maker?

I make lists on a regular basis.  To do lists, grocery lists, gift lists, lists of phone calls I need to make, of emails I need to send- if there is a list that can be made for day to day life- I probably have made at least one.  It's all part of being a planner.  But there are two lists that I cannot seem to make- the Wish List and the Bucket List. 

I am sure that everyone knows what a Bucket List is- but in the off chance that you don't- it's the list of things that you want to do before you kick the bucket.  It's also a FANTASTIC movie with Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson and Sean Hayes- I recommend everyone see it.  I have been trying and trying to do these two lists for some time and I just can't commit.  What I am hoping to accomplish today is to figure out why I find this so hard. 

When I think of a Wish list- I take it very seriously.  I mean- I have a list of things to do when we win the lottery, but it's entirely different from a real Wish list.  A wish list for me has to be things that I really wish for that are attainable.  I think part of the problem for me is- I almost feel like making such a list would make me really ungrateful for all of the blessings that I have in my life.  I have been so fortunate that wishing for more seems greedy.  I have a wonderful family, we both have good jobs, a roof over our heads, clothing, food, medical care; we have enough to meet our needs and a few small luxuries- and so many people don't have one of these things much less all of them.  I am also torn in terms as to what kind of things I would wish for.  Can you tell that this gives me no small amount of stress? 


As for my Bucket List- of course the first thing holding me back is that if I make one- that means I have to acknowledge my own mortality.  I mean really?  Who wants to think about dying?  I am not one of those people who believes that we are closer to death each day.  I feel that we should live every day as if it is our last.  I don't want to creep toward death.  I want to enjoy every minute of my life.  What if I do make my bucket list and then I complete it?  Does that mean the I am ready to kick that bucket?  I surely hope not.  There is also a little bit of fear holding me back that directly correlates with my illness.  When I think of things that are "worthy" of going on a Bucket List- there is a little, niggling thought in the back of my head that wonders what happens if I am physically unable to complete the things on my list?  For example;  many, many years ago my father and I talked about taking a horse/donkey trip down the Grand Canyon for my 18th birthday.  When the time came- I was engaged to my husband, working full time and had other priorities in my life.  Now, almost 25 years later- I wish we had made that trip.  Not only do I wish we had made that trip; but it would be a great item for that Bucket List.  Of course- when we talked about that I had never even heard of Rheumatoid Arthritis; and Fibromyalgia was not on my radar.   The little voice in the back of my head says "Don't put THAT on your list- you would never make it!"  I know that I am physically more challenged than I was at 18- where will I be in another 25 years?  The little voice sneers at me and says "Are you going to take a wheel chair down instead of a horse?"  and that stops me in my tracks. 

So there we are.  That is my quandry. 

On being prepared.

My assistant manager will be having surgery next week that will keep her out for 6 weeks.  What this means for me is that I will be re-structuring my work schedule for the time that she is out, working one "normal" day, three long days and one very short day.  It means that I will not have her there to bounce ideas off, to vent to, and to level me out.  She and I work very well together.  The things that make me crazy- don't make her crazy.  The things that make her crazy- don't bother me at all.  It means I will have to fly solo- but it will be okay.  She has done all of the things that she needs to do to not be inundated when she gets back so I don't have to worry about that part of her job while she is gone and that is a relief. I am also going to miss her personally.   The good thing is- we have known for a month that this is coming.  That means that I have had time to mentally prepare for long days.

As someone who is a planner- this is the best possible scenario for me.  Had this been an emergency situation and come from out of nowhere- it would really have thrown me for a loop.  I equate this with  those times that we can feel the onset of a flare before it goes full blown.  When I can feel it coming, I can take steps to lessen the severity as well as preparing myself mentally and emotionally for it before it takes over.  Somehow, when I can be ready for it; it lessens the power it has over my life.  I guess that means that I am prepared for my very own "work flare". 

While I was thinking this through and making my notes and putting my ducks in a row, I found myself wondering if there was a way that I could put together an emergency "kit" if you will of tricks that I have in my bag that would help when I have a sudden flare.  Things that would help me adjust more quickly when it happens back to where I am when I do feel it coming on.  Something to think about.....

Finding non-drug items that help with the pain

I met with a Physical Therapist on Monday.  I think some signals were crossed because I was supposed to meet with an Occupational Therapist- but this mix up ended up being a wonderful thing.  She evaluated me head to toe, we went through some exercises and then she hooked me up to a TENS unit.  Oh MY!

A TENS (Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation) Unit is a little device that has a battery, dual channel and several (in my case four) electrodes.  As it was my lower back that was hurting, she applied two electrodes to each side and then had me lay down on a heating pad and switched it on.  She handed me the unit and showed me how to increase the pulses and then set a timer for 15 minutes.  It was like having a very spot specific massage- but worked faster than any masseuse has ever achieved on my lower back.  I could very easily have fallen asleep right there as the sensation overrode the pain.  It was bliss.  When we finished, I was as loose as if I had had a full body massage.  The therapist is going to see if my insurance will cover a personal unit.  My fingers are virtually crossed.  I don't know if they will or not- but if they do- at this point in time it will go a lot way toward controlling my pain.  I seriously feel that every single one of us who has chronic pain should have one.  

There are other things that I use to increase my pain control and quality of life.  Heat has always worked at least temporarily.  Heating pads are nice (especially when I have time to just sit with one) but not very portable.  Thermacare is my favorite portable source of heat when I am hurting.  There are many different "store brands" and "off brands" to choose from but in my experience Thermacare is the most comfortable in terms of the covering on the wrap and in holding the cells close to the body.  I have also found that it maintains temperature longer than any of the others. 

Often in the winter you will see me with Hot Hands in my pockets and sometimes the sister product Foot Warm-up.  Though these don't last as long as Thermacare- they are designed for outdoor use by hunters and skiiers and give a nice heat that you can put in your pocket and/or shoes. 

Massage is also very helpful.  I enjoy going for a full body massage as often as I can.  Rather than targeting a specific site, my massage therapist will take care of the areas that are specifically troublesome but not neglect the rest of the body in the process. The important thing when choosing a massage therapist is to find someone who knows how to deal with RA and Fibromyalgia.  If they are not familiar with the diseases it can be too rough and not acheive the goal of loosening the muscles and just add a layer to the pain. 

I am very interested in what my fellow RA/Fibro'ers use besides the host of drugs they give us to control your pain.  I have considered Yoga and Arthritis Aquatics but haven't made the time in my schedule.  If there is something that YOU recommed- leave it in the comments so we can all learn from your win. 

Arthritis Walk- Evansville, Indiana

This past weekend, my dad, my puppies and I did the 5k Arthritis Walk.  It was a beautiful day for the event.  Auggie was a rock star- everyone wanted pictures of him in his official Walk bandana.  The local baseball team- The Evansville Otters were represented and their mascot (Evan) was down on the ground playing with Auggie for photos. 

The "Princess" of the event was a beautiful little 8 year old named Payton.  This little girl had me in tears.  She said something that was so direct and child like that it made me realize just how different it is for a child to live with this disease.  The head of the event related this story.  Payton was diagnosed at 6 with RA.  Last year, Payton and her mom went to the foundation for information and to find out what was going on in their area.  Their first event was the Jingle Ball Run/Walk and they invited Payton to attend.  They must have talked about it at home and Payton decided she wanted to walk with everyone else.   At the end of the event, Payton turned to her mom and said; "I am ready for my cure now."  Her mom was puzzled and Payton said "I did the walk- I want my cure!  We were walking for a cure!"  That just tore my heart out.  I cannot imagine having to explain to my beautiful little girl, who is in so much pain on a regular basis, that just because she walked- it didn't mean she was going to be cured. 

I am so looking forward to my next event in September.  The Louisville Walk is just as much fun (and a lot more organized) and we are right in Slugger Field with all of the sponsors and they really jazz us up. 

As we walked- I thought of each and every one of my RA friends and my Fibro friends and every one of us that fights a chronic illness every day.  We are the reason I am out there walking-and you all keep me going. 

Walking the Walk

This weekend is my first Arthritis Foundation Walk of the season.  It's a 5k to raise money and awareness of the hundreds of different Arthritis related illnesses out there.  This walk will take place in my parent's home town and my Dad is walking with me.  We are also going to try to bring Auggie on the walk as well.  Mom's going to have to go too so that if he doesn't behave we can hand him off to her :-) 

I have been participating in charity walks since 2004.  My first four walks were for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer.  I lost my beloved Granny to Breast Cancer in a round about way.  She went in for a routine lumpectomy and did not survive the operation.  The following year was my first walk.  I didn't know what to expect- and I was scared of the fundraising minimum (1800 per person) and not even remotely positive that as an overweight, 30 something smoker I would even be able to finish the whole 26.1 miles- but I was determined to do it in her memory.  But I did .  I raised the money, I walked the WHOLE walk and- I did it middle of the pack.  The event itself was emotional, it was inspiring and my accomplishment made me feel like I could take on the world- bruises and blisters not withstanding.   After the first walk- I had to do it again.  Over the course of four walks I (with a lot of help from generous friends) raised over $10,000, I walked  104.4 miles (not including training) and that sea of pink raised a LOT of money and awareness.  My third and fourth walks were after I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  It made it tougher- but I was determined to persevere.  I packed thermacare, I used a LOT of ice and I took advantage of the yoga sessions and massage on the overnights.

Since I moved out here- I am nowhere near the Avon Walks.  The closest one is Chicago and that is 8-10 hours away.  Because I love doing the walks in general- I have turned my attentions closer to home to the Arthritis Foundation.  I choose to do two walks each season- one in Evansville- one in Louisville.  I figure that I am capable of doubling my efforts and getting the word out about my disease on both sides of the state. 

I think that the reason that I walk is that it is something that I can do to make a difference.  Maybe not to one person- but I have, as a result of my fundraising efforts, had people ask me about my disease and have been able to educate them.  That means a lot to me.  And so- I will keep walking as long as I can.  Who knows- maybe I will even start doing two year fundraisers so I can go back to Avon every other year or so and walk Boston or Chicago.  All I know is that as long as my body lets me- you will see me out there getting the word out about these two wonderful foundations and these horrible diseases. 

Paying it forward

Indiana's Governor, Mitch Daniels has declared this week Pay it Forward Week.  I am excited about this because I thought I had "missed" PIF day last Thursday.  Though I do agree that we should practice random acts of kindness every day- it's nice to spotlight it. 

For today- my three pay it forwards are:

I am sending a card to my former boss to thank him for taking a chance on me 7 years ago.  He taught me so much and believed in me- even when I didn't. 

I am stopping at the grocery on my way to work so while I am there I will stop at Starbucks and leave an extra $5.00 to pay for the next person's coffee along with a pay it forward card so they can pass it along.

I have created a sign to post in our breakroom to remind my colleagues that this weekend the letter carriers will be collecting food for a canned goods drive.  On my sign- I am offering to collect them for anyone who either can't or doesn't feel comfortable leaving them on their doorstep. 

I have so much to be grateful for in my life and I want to make someone else as happy as I feel if even for a moment.  My next challenge will be to think of more things to do over the week.  My goal- three things a day times three days.  One down- Two to go! 

Thunder and Lightening and Sirens- Oh My!

I had planned on sleeping as late as my body needed this morning and then heading in to work for a long day, but Mother Nature had other plans for me.  Somewhere in between four and four-thirty the thunder and lightening were so close that the explosion and subsequent shaking of the building woke me from a dead sleep.  I sat right up in the bed; Auggie jumped into my lap and Harley looked up at me then rolled back over, snuggled up with Jim and went back to sleep.  The man, on the other hand, never even woke up.  I envy that. 

The weather today is very aptly representative of my mood.  I am feeling pretty stormy at the moment.  I have SO much to do to get caught up at work.  I was aware that I had a lot of work to do but didn't know how much more until after close last night.  By the time I left work at 8 - I was furious.  I will have to spend today re-doing hours of work before I can start on what I knew I needed to get done.  I had planned on doing four or so hours each day this weekend- now it's looking more like twelve today and some tomorrow. 

Right now I am trying to find my positive.  One is that I have enough time in the next 48 hours to get a good solid dent in what I need done completed.  Another is that if I can get this all done- I will be able to know that things are done properly and we are in decent shape.  I am still concerned about how I will approach remedying this situation.  I cannot continue to have to re-do work that has been done.  This is not the first time- I just have to figure out how to make it the last.  I am sure the hours of sweaty, physical labor will give me the time to figure it out. 

Here comes the sun.....

It was a BEAUTIFUL day yesterday.  Sitting out in a rose garden at our "remote" location for buyback was SO peaceful.  At one point I looked up and saw a hawk, soaring overhead.  It looked so beautiful, majestic and free as it flew.  Of course- the way my mind is working I thought to myself; "Wow, that is just beautiful but I wonder what HE is thinking."  That comes from the realization that image is not everything and that we never know what is going on in the lives of the people that we think are so "together" or "have it all".  I thank my sisters for that. 

One downside to yesterday is that I am still sun sensitive thanks to the Methotrexate.  This morning my face and forearms are pretty pink.  Needless to say- before I got dressed this morning I slathered those areas with SPF 30! 

The reason that I enjoy doing remotes is that we have so many less students there that I can take plenty of time and really educate the students on the buyback process.  Educating the students on the process is really key.  Buyback is hard because we get two extremes.  We get the kids who are thrilled to sell back their books and love every dime they get.  Then we get the students who feel that it doesn't matter how much you are giving them- you are ripping them off.  They are rude, loud and never satisfied.  It's very hard.  It's hard to stay polite when you are being accused of "screwing them" or are being berated.  It's also hard to reconcile because they bought this product, used it for four months and now get to sell it back.  What else could you take back to the store after four months of use and get money?  Any other type of retail establishment would laugh in your face.  That's the biggest challenge of this odd worlds of this particular type of retail.  That said, when I can take the time to talk to them and teach them how it works and the lightbulb goes off- it is very worthwhile. 

So back out I go today.  Back to my garden.  Back to spending time with the kids and getting snippets of my other work done in the process.  It's going to be 78 and sunny today- that will just add to the enjoyment of being out doing  one of the things that I enjoy most in my job. 

Getting through the craziness one step at a time.

Things are getting crazy around here!  It's the time of year when we have so many things going on that I never feel like I am going to catch up.  We are doing buyback right now- which is when we buy the kids books back at the end of the year.  We have our first summer session starting in just under two weeks, we have web orders to process, books to get on the shelves and commencement to prep for.  It's also the end of the fiscal year which means paperwork coming out my ears.    Then there are the every day demands of things that are thrown at you last minute and stuff that just "pops up". 

On a personal side- I have my first Arthritis Walk for this season down with my dad on Mother's Day weekend- oh- and Mother's Day which I haven't shopped for.  I have to go for a chest X-ray so we can get the okay for the Orencia, a mammogram (yay that-not), meet with the PT/OT on the same day as commencement AND we have baseball tickets that night to support the "Dog Day at the Park".  Plus there is the beginning of Orencia infusions coming up.  My goal- to be caught up completely by Memorial Day and then use the summer to get into a groove. 

What all of this means for me is long hours and a definite need to focus.  As one of those people who is a "planner" that means I am living and dying by my calendar and my to-do lists.  It means I take a notebook everywhere to make notes as I think of them and I take work with me when I go to appointments for while I am waiting and such.  The only way I will get to where I need to be is to take small bites of each project as I have time.  For example- today I can't be in the store as I will be at a "remote" location doing buyback- but when I don't have a line (like when the finals are running) I will work on catching up with some paperwork.  It might mean schlepping more stuff with me but it must be done.  If there is anything that I can work on in a couple of minutes- it will be with me.  It also means that I will be doing a lot of "take a breath and focus" exercises to keep my head in the game. 

It's going to be a challenge- but the light is at the end of the tunnel- I just need to stay on course and I feel confident that I have the tools to do just that. 

Page 2?

This is my update to my new chapter.   I had my appointment at my Rheumy's on Friday.  As I expected- Methotrexate is no longer in my regimine and the folic acid and Enbrel are gone as well.  She kept me on my tramadol, gave me back my Flexeril and added prednisone for the time being.  This is as a holdover until I get started on Orencia infusions. 

About Orencia- it has it's good and bad points.  The good points are that there are supposedly very little side effects.  A little nausea and stuff on the day/day after are to be expected but no major effects and it doesn't touch the liver.  Once I get started and get my little push- it will be once a month- that will be nice!  Also- no MTX and no Enbrel means I no longer have to inject myself in the stomach twice a week.  I have one dose of Enbrel left and that will be the end of that.  On the negative side- in order to get dosed up- I have to have an infusion every two weeks for three visits before we go to a month- and it is VERY Spendy!  Because it is done in- office it is processed through my medical insurance rather than my prescription insurance.  That means that (for me) it is a 20% co-pay (or 200-300 dollars) per infusion.  YIKES!  I am just incredibly grateful that I have insurance.  I cannot imagine trying to do this without.  I am also grateful that Bristol- Myers has a program that will help with the co-pay for the first six months if I qualify.  I am not counting on it but I am sure that it is boon for people who do.  It also is a long appointment.  I have been told that I will be in the chair about two hours per visit- and until I know how I handle the drug- I have scheduled it for Friday afternoons.  What a way to start the weekend-lol!  I just hope that they let me nap in the chair! 

On another note- I have been issued my handicap parking plate and have an appointment on the 10th with a PT/OT for mobility aids.  This is really, really hard for me.  I have been fighting and fighting this disease.  I have made it a part of my life and I have learned to live well with- or in spite of my RA and Fibro.  By putting that plate on our cars- I am allowing myself to be labeled "disabled".  That takes the wind right out of my sails.  The best way I can describe it is feeling defeated.  I don't need the close spaces all of the time and most of the time I park in the middle or far end of the lot so I can get a little extra exercise in.   The reason for doing this now is that my last trip brought me a real setback and my job now requires travel three or so times a year.  More than anything though is that as I am being taken off a proven drug and switching up to something we don't know- we have to expect the worst and hope for the best.  If I slide back to my pre-MTX days- I will be ready to kiss that handicap space when I park. 

So that's where we are.  I am desperately trying to wrap my head around the "labeling" issue and am feeling pretty positive-mixed with a little terror about the med switch.  If any of you have experience with Orencia- I would love to hear about it!