Monday, August 31, 2009

A cold hard look in the mirror

Though yesterday was a wonderful day both emotionally and spiritually it was a rough day physically. When I tried to nap and when I tried to go to bed last night I had enough pain in my right hip, left knee and lower back that sleep was elusive. Not the sharp, stabbing kind of pain, but a deep, down to the bone ache. Needless to say- it kept sleep at bay and gave me lots of time to think.

While I my mind was roaming I came to several conclusions. I am not particularly traditionally "smart". If I work hard and am interested in something, I can learn it or I can research and find the answers that I seek. I know a little about a whole lot of things but I am not particularly well versed in anything. I am not what you would call beautiful. I had a decent smile- until I ground my teeth to the point that they are not even and now it is not my best feature. I was "cute" but really-what is and who wants to be- cute at 42? We will leave the beauty to my younger sisters. I am not particularly talented. I can't sing a lick- well I do sing- just not well. I did some acting in high school but it never went further. I will never write the Great American Novel or even a Pulitzer Prize winning anything. I do some craft work, but not beyond the rudimentary level. I am not particularly athletic- you can tell that by just looking at me.

All of that said- I do have some things going for me. I am completely loyal to those I love and those I call my friend. It takes quite a bit for me to really let someone in- but once I do, it would take a lot for me to turn away from them. If you are my friend or my family- I would give you the shirt off my back or do anything in my power for you. I have a very strong work ethic. I have been working and giving it my all for 29 years now. If I take on a job- be it paid or volunteer, I give it my best. I try my best to lead by example and don't ask anything of others that I would not do myself. I also have very high standards for myself and for others, but one is not higher than the other. I have a keen sense of curiosity. I love to learn about new things- which is probably why I know about a myriad of topics. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. I know that that really doesn't affect others- but it makes living with RA a lot easier than it could be.

I haven't quite figured out what all of this means yet, but I think it can be good to give yourself a reality check every once in a while. It offers a barometer of where you are and gives you a look at where to go from here. I really don't know how I will leave my mark on this world- but at least I know where I am at this moment. If nothing else came from a lack of sleep- I can be thankful for the opportunity for a little harsh self examination.

1 comment:

Cathy said...

A funny thing about reading blogs and not meeting in person is that you develop a picture of people in your mind. I have always viewed you as a very beautiful person - I guess that is your true nature and what is coming out for the world to see.