Adding a new layer to treatment.

I am very fortunate that I have terrific insurance through my job.  For several years now, I have been interested in trying acupuncture- and my insurance will cover it- but the glitch was that living in Kentuckiana, there were no practitioners in my area- until now.  There is a local Chiropractor who does acupuncture who is now on my plan.

Let me first say that Chiropractics kind of scares me.  Not the actual "adjustment" thing- but that everyone I know who goes- goes ALL of the time! It's like they are...addicted?  That said, the pain in my neck and my back was great enough that it outweighed the fear and I bit the bullet and made an appointment.

I was very impressed that when I told him I was there for acupuncture for pain management, the doctor took the time to not only do an exam but also to do X-rays.  He suggested a book for me to read (The Bowersox Protocol) for my Fibromyalgia and he made me a second appointment where he would give me a treatment plan.  Now- I got the book. It's a supplement based treatment that may help but with all the medications I am on- that's a lot more "stuff" to take.

I went back for my treatment plan two days later and while I KNEW that I had Osteoarthritis in my lower back- I wasn't quite expecting what I got.  The doctor showed me my x-rays and and I am a hot mess.  My neck x-rays are very clear and you can see the damage without any explanation.  My upper cervical vertebrae are okay.  A little compressed but that's to be expected with my past and age.  My lower cervical vertebrae are that of a 60+ year old.  When it came to the lumbar vertebrae the situation was the same and he also showed me that my right hip is slightly lower than my left and has a lot of thinning due to the RA and that also contributes to the OA in my lumbar region.  It's no wonder that the pain in those areas are constant.  His concern though was that because of the arthritis, the lack of range of motion and the pain levels that there are also pinched nerves and/or bulging disks.

So- here's the treatment plan:  A total of 20 visits.  The first 9 will be 3x a week for 3 weeks (skipping next week's vacation-obviously) to try to adjust me, following up with a massage after.  I love massage so that was a welcome surprise.  After that, he will re-evaluate to see if he needs to send me for an MRI to look for bulging disks.  He will also then add in physical therapy and acupuncture.  They also sent me home with a TENS unit.  I love the tens!

Before I left he did an adjustment.  When he cracked my neck- I almost cried.  I haven't been able to crack my neck in over a year and it felt wonderful!  My lower back was less successful but since I didn't expect any relief- it was okay.  The only problem was that though that adjustment felt great at first- my muscles just throbbed all night long.  That was not fun but I talked to a friend who is a Doctor of Physical Therapy and she said that it was to be expected as we loosen things up.

So there we are.  This week I will be there Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  We shall see how it goes.  If it helps- I will rejoice, for sure.  Do any of you see a Chiropractor or an Acupuncturist?  I would be interested in your feedback.  

There's An App For That... @soulpancake

A quick post this morning to share one of my favorite Sites/Apps.  Soul Pancake is the brain-child of Rainn Wilson and friends.  If you watched The Office- you will recognize him as Dwight.  If you are a fan of Oprah and the OWN network- Rainn has recently been featured on Super Soul Sunday.

The idea behind the website and the app (there is also a book- I am ordering it today!) is to create a dialog between people through conversations, videos and activities that really make you think.  To quote from their "About" section of their website:

About SoulPancake
SoulPancake is media and production company, founded by actor Rainn Wilson, that creates uplifting, thought-provoking content. Our mission is to encourage people to chew on life’s big questions and figure out what it means to be human. We like people who know how to hustle (and if you know how to do the hustle, that’s even better). We create content about life, death, love, purpose, art, and the soul. Among our accomplishments: creating Daytime Emmy-award winning programming for television; managing a premium YouTube channel that provides daily video content across multiple genres; publishing a New York Times bestselling book; and building and maintaining a vast digital audience

I love this website- but more- I love the app.  The app, which I have pinned to the front page of both my iPad and iPhone centers on the conversations and I never fail to find a question (or a response to a question) that makes me stop and think.

Don't just take my word for it.  I would also recommend that you pop over to the Super Soul Sunday site and see what they have to say about Soul Pancake.

If you check it out- let me know what you think!  If you have a favorite website or app that enhances your life in a positive way- share that too.

For the love of a dog (or two).

“No matter how close we are to another person, few human relationships are as free from strife, disagreement, and frustration as is the relationship you have with a good dog. Few human beings give of themselves to another as a dog gives of itself. I also suspect that we cherish dogs because their unblemished souls make us wish - consciously or unconsciously - that we were as innocent as they are, and make us yearn for a place where innocence is universal and where the meanness, the betrayals, and the cruelties of this world are unknown.” ― Dean Koontz

Every single night since the difficulties I am currently dealing with started, I have had two loving shadows.  As you probably know- I am the "Mommy" to two very sweet dogs.  Harley and Auggie came into my life via the Animal Care Society, Louisville's first no-kill shelter.  Harley came to us first in March of 2008.  She's a Yorkie/Schnauzer mix who is currently about 9 years old.  Auggie came to us a little later- in December of 2009. He is about 5 years old.  I cannot tell you how much joy they have brought to my life.

You cannot convince me that our dogs cannot sense when things aren't right.  For the past two months, every evening Auggie has ensconced himself in my lap.  He was always the "love-muffin" of the two but now even more so.  When I am upset or feeling down or in a flare, he will jump up on my lap and stretch himself up, front paws on my shoulder and rub his face on mine lay his head on my shoulder.  He won't move until I rub and pet him and tell him that "it's okay".  He will then curl up and not move until bed time if I let him.  Even Harley- our stand-offish little girl- has been a lap puppy of late.  She will wander over, ease up (she has arthritis in her back) and put her paws on the arm of the chair to let me know that she want's up.  Because of my RA/Fibro and her arthritis I have to stand up, pick her up and then sit down with her on one leg so she can stay stretched out.  This means displacing Auggie to get her up and settled.  He will stand at the bottom of the chair and watch until she is settled and then jump back up and take the other leg.  There's nothing like twenty five pounds of puppy on each leg expecting you to pet them.  As I sit there, stroking their fur from nose to tail, I can't help but let go of all of my worries and allow the repetitive motion, the wiry feel of Harley's coat and the silky feel of Auggie soothe me.  Harley will stay just long enough to feel me relax and then, as if her job is done, she will hop down and either lay at my feet, beside my chair or in her bed.  Auggie will stay until I have to get up again and then pop up to the arm of the couch, both of them keeping an eye on me.

When it's time for bed, whether I "announce" it or just go around shutting of the lights, tv and PC they both follow me through the house and up to the bedroom.  They always were welcome on the bed and now is not any different.  But where they used to sleep either stretched down our legs, both at the foot of the bed or Auggie at the foot and Harley underneath the bed, now they both want up and Auggie will start where I can pet him and inch his way up until he's almost at my head and Harley will ease up my thigh using my hip as a pillow.  It's as if they are saying "we are here and we love you."

If you are not a dog (or pet) person, I don't know how to explain the unconditional love that adopting a dog will bring to your life.  When I walk into the house after a day at work they run to the door and bark with joy to see me.  Auggie will stretch up to my knee for a "hug" and I cannot move until I give him one.  Harley will run and bring me a toy to say "I am so glad to see you, I brought you a present!"  When I say the word "walk" they bark with glee and run to the door to wait for their leashes.  When I say "ride" they nearly jump for joy in anticipation.  When I say "treat"- they run to "their" shelving unit and wiggle their bums until they receive their treat.  You cannot help but smile at each and every one of the ways that they show their different personalities.

Every night, when I am sending up prayers, I give thanks that I was lucky enough to find these two fur-babies and bring them into my home and life.  They keep me going when I want to give up.  They give me love no matter how cranky I am.  They make me feel needed when I feel useless.  They are the biggest constant in my life and i will forever be grateful for them.  

It's the little things

     Yesterday I made my lunch on autopilot as usual and headed off to work.  I don't take a real "lunch break".  Instead I usually take my lunch either into my office and reply to emails and catch up on paperwork or I go into the stock room and do some receiving while I eat.

     Yesterday was a stock room day.  So I went in, put my music on and opened my little Rubbermaid container and just smiled.  I had cut up a Granny Smith apple and a couple of ounces of cheddar and grabbed a sleeve of saltines.  Looking down at my apple slices and cheese I suddenly got the image of the first time I had that combination.

     I was 13 years old.  We had flown back to the states from the Phillippines to California and then to Chicago.  We were at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport.  We stopped for lunch and I must have ordered a fruit plate because I remember them bringing out a plate with a thin slices of cheddar, grapes and slices of green apple.  That was the first time I had ever even considered placing a slice of cheese on top of the apple. I remember the tart but sweet taste of the apple along with the sharp taste of the cheddar.  I don't remember why- but for some reason the whole experience made me feel like a grown up.  Silly, huh?

     As I looked down at my lunch, as I placed the slice of cheese on the slice of apple, as I bit into that sweet/salty/tart/sharp combination; I closed my eyes and for a moment I was transported back, sitting in the airport with my family after long hours of  flying across the world, feeling very adult-like and I just smiled.  My heart felt a little lighter.  My day was a little less stressful.  All seemed right in the world.

     Sometimes, it's the little things that can turn your day from ordinary to a little extraordinary if only for a moment.  And that moment can make all the difference.  So take those little things, take that feeling and cherish it because it's fleeting but it can be so important.

When you feel powerless to help.

It has been a very, very difficult month or so around here.  One of those roller coasters that never seems to end.  It took some time but at this point I have made peace with the situation, knowing I have done everything I can.

It's hard to watch someone you care about spiral out of control.  Even harder still, at least for me, is knowing that there's nothing that you can do to help or to stop it.  It leaves you feeling angry, sad, frustrated and more.  Then there are those moments that they seem much like their old selves.  It gives you a glimmer of hope, which is quickly dashed when they jump back into the pit that they have dug.  Those instances show you just how powerless you are in all of the madness.  So what CAN you do in those times?

1.  Be loving but firm.  Love doesn't come with an on/off switch but just because you love someone does not mean that you have to tolerate their bad behavior.  It's good to let them know that while you love them, you won't be a party to their self destruction.

2.  Support without enabling them.  This can be harder than number 1.  You want to be there for them.  You want to help them through their tough time.  The key is to find a balance.  Something like "I am here when you need me, but I can not allow you to ____________ in my home."

3.  Say a prayer- or a hundred.  Whether you call to God, Buddha, Allah, Mother Earth, Yahweh or another deity, keep this person in your prayers.  If you are an Atheist or Agnostic, spend time just thinking of this person and sending them positive thoughts.  Whether you pray, meditate or just send your thoughts into the universe, keeping it positive will allow you to lessen the pain that you are feeling.  I often use the first part of the Serenity Prayer to get me through the day.  It goes like this:

God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

4.  Step away from the drama.  Who needs it?  When a person is in a downward spiral, the feed on the drama.  You don't need the angst and you don't need to feed into their spiral.  It's important for your own positivity to step back and distance yourself from all the negativity that they are creating. There's a wonderful article here on Tiny Buddha that talks about how to minimize the drama in your life.  

5.  Forgive them.  By no stretch of the imagination do I mean that you have to accept or condone anything that they are doing.  You certainly don't have to TELL them that you have forgiven them. This is for you, not for them.  By opening your heart to forgiveness, you allow yourself to make peace with this person.  Not their current actions, but the person that you know and love.  That peace will allow you to more easily deal with the myriad of "stuff" they are throwing around.  Forgiveness will also give you a clarity to see through all of the "bull" and to know when/if it is time to step back and when/if it's time to step away.

None of these steps are easy and they may not all be for everyone.  They are just what has helped me over the last weeks and I hope they can help you when faced with a situation in which you feel powerless.

I leave you with this:

“It does not take a great supernatural heroine or magical hero to save the world.
We all save it every day, and we all destroy it -- in our own small ways -- by every choice we make and every tiniest action resulting from that choice.

The next time you feel useless and impotent, remember what you are in fact doing in this very moment. And then observe your tiny, seemingly meaningless acts and choices coalesce and cascade together into a powerful positive whole.
The world -- if it could -- will thank you for it.
And if it does not... well, a true heroine or hero does not require it.”
                                                                                     ― Vera Nazarian

"Suffering" is a State of Mind

I read a lot of websites, blogs, Facebook pages/groups, Google+ posts, Twitter feeds and LinkedIn groups devoted to Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, and Chronic Illnesses in general.  I do this so I can get hints and tips from others living with these illnesses.  What strikes me most and what ties these different platforms together is the sheer number of people who "suffer" with these illnesses.

I understand the pain they are experiencing.  I understand the frustration with the limitations on their lives. I understand how it feels when the people in your life just don't get it.  None of this is easy to live with.  That said, what I don't understand is constant misery.  The sheer number of people who essentially hate life because they are dealing with any or all of the issues of chronic pain, limitations and/or lack of support is astonishing.

When I go to these pages, I am looking for positive people, good hints/tips and ideas for being more productive in general.  I have friends who live with illnesses who are the happiest and most positive people I have ever met.  Unfortunately, they are few and far between.  It's often hard to find them due to the overwhelming number of folks living from a negative place.  I cannot imagine being there all of the time.  You only have to look back at this blog to see where I have had difficult times and struggled with these illnesses but I generally snap out of it fairly quickly.  Frankly- it's exhausting to be in that head space.  Who needs to add that to illnesses that make you chronically fatigued already?  Now- I realize that there are folks who are clinically depressed and I am not discounting that.  In those cases, a professional is the only way to treat the depression.  I am talking about the people who receive their diagnosis and it's as if they become their illness. Their diagnosis is the only thing they talk about, they complain constantly, they allow it to take over their lives.

I want to shout at them "It doesn't have to be that way! You are not your illness! Your illness is not you!"  Everyone has blessings in their lives- they only have to open your eyes and see look for them.  You have to look beyond the diagnosis, look beyond the pain, look beyond the frustration and see the bright spots in your life.  Then take those bright spots and giving thanks for them and look for more. An example in my own life is this:  I work in retail.  Part of that is stocking shelves, shipping and receiving, and a lot of 50+ lb lifting.  There are days when I can do it with no problem.  There are days that I struggle with it but find a way to lessen the load. There are other days (like today) when I am in a fibro or RA flare, or even when one is coming on when there is no way in the world that I can do any lifting.  I could focus on these days where I am not able to work to my full capacity.  I could make this so "huge" that I let if affect my good days.  I could let it make me feel useless- but that is just not true!

 I am very capable.  On my really good days I can run circles around the 18-26 year old students who work for me.  On my average days, I can work side by side with them and hold my own.  I have told every member of my staff that I have both Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibro and what it means for me.  Every single one of them understands what that means for me and what it means for them when I am having a bad day.  The bright spot is- they never, ever make me feel like I am imposing on them by asking them to do the heavy work.  Another bright spot is that when I have to ask them to do the heavy stuff- I can take over the light stuff and we can keep moving forward.  When I find myself mentally beating myself up about not being able to do something, I remember that I have help and that though I am not doing everything- I am more than capable of doing *something* to take the load off of those who are taking the load off of me.

I am not my RA or Fibro.  I am so much more.  Despite these challenges, I have a good life.  I have a wonderful family, I have a good job, I have pretty terrific insurance, I have good doctors looking after me.  I learn something every day.  I don't suffer from my illnesses- I live with them and don't let the things I can't do define me.  If you are in the mind space where you are suffering from something; be it illness, mourning a loss, a broken heart, you can look beyond those things and find the good.  You can focus on the things you CAN do rather than what you CAN'T.  If you take nothing else from this post, take this: you can change your mindset and put your challenges where they belong- as a part of you, not as all that you are.

I leave you with a quote:

"People become really quite remarkable when they start thinking that they can do things. When they believe in themselves they have the first secret of success." 

- Norman Vincent Peale 

What is WRONG with people?

My heart is very heavy over the Boston Marathon bombings.  When the first of dozens of alerts came in on my phone my heart was in my throat.  I knew a couple of people who were running and about a dozen who go in every year to enjoy the party that is the spectator's side of Marathon Monday.  Fortunately, by 6:30 pm I heard from the last of them that they were okay and felt so blessed that they were all well.  Seeing the carnage tore at something inside me but at the same time the everyday people who were running toward the explosions to help was such a brightness in such a horrific time.

Of course, the coverage has been crazy.  I don't know where you are, but here in Louisville, with Thunder over Louisville this weekend and the Derby coming up in two weeks there has been a lot of conversation as to what measures should be taken to ensure that this doesn't happen here.  In addition, every newspaper, television station and internet news venue has been updating every few hours any information coming out of Boston.  Feeling very invested, I have been reading a LOT of stories.  The problem with that is that I also read the comments.  I usually find it very interesting to see what my fellow man has to say about big stories.  This time, quite honestly, many-many-many of the comments have turned my stomach.  If I were to go on about all of my issues with the things that come out of people's mouths (fingertips?) it would take us a week so instead I will just put here an open letter to all of them at once:

Dear Person Commenting on the Boston Marathon Bombing:

I have read your comments on the news stories and I believe that many of you are incredibly confused.  This event left three people (so far) dead, over a dozen missing limbs and almost 200 injured right here on our own soil.  Additionally, thousands of men, women and children will be emotionally scarred for a very long time.  During this we have also seen the best of people, coming together to help their fellow man. So please let me break this down for you.

This is not about your political agenda.
This is not about your gun rights.
This is not about your religious views.
This is not about your bigotry.
This is not about YOU!

. I don't care what you think about the President.  I don't care what you think about being able to carry a gun.  I don't care what you think about your God's vengeance.  I don't care what you think about this/that or another race.  Your negativity and hatred are the root of all of this.  If you and people like you weren't so quick to open your mouth and spew your venom maybe, just maybe, people would actually get along better and there would be less of an inclination to cause such mass carnage and chaos.  Yes, there is evil in this world but your negativity only allows it to grow.

This event is about the victims and the heroes who risked their lives to help.  So how about this?  How about, instead of sitting at your keyboard bashing everyone and everything you go out and make a positive difference in someone's life?  Practice Random Acts of Kindness. Volunteer for a fundraiser for the victims.  Thank a First Responder.  If you want a different world- it's up to you, to me, to all of us to stop complaining and do something about it.

I leave you with a quote from Gandhi:  "Be the change you wish to see in this world."

Sincerely,

Me

Sometimes we all need a reminder to enjoy the ride

Every once in a while, something happens that knocks the breath out of you.  I don't mean something as...drastic.. as a death but just something that makes you stop and re-evaluate your life.  Though you may be hurt or just surprised at the way things are going, this does not have to be a bad thing.

A shock to the system can give you the nudge you need to gain perspective.  If you give yourself time, you can sit back and look through the pain and see clearly those little things that you may have not seen or even known were there while you were going about your life.  Once you identify them, you can begin to recover and make decisions that will let you make your life better.

I feel that as we get "comfortable" we become complacent.  I know I do.  I have found myself becoming too comfortable in my marriage, in my friendships and in my work life.  When that happens, I tend to forget to appreciate the people that I love.  It's not that I don't know how blessed that I am, it's that I forget to let them know that I know how lucky I am to have them in my life- and everyone needs a little appreciation now and then.  Don't you hate to feel like you are taken for granted?  I know I do- but if there's one good thing that can come from feeling that way is that it can remind you that maybe- just maybe- there are people in your life who feel like you are not as appreciative of them too.  It can give you the reminder that you need to turn it around and make sure you let someone in your life know that you love them, you appreciate them and all that they add to your life.

If you let it, that kick in the pants can give you the motivation that you need to do something good for someone else.  It can let you see that there are parts of your life that you need to repair and take steps to get started.  It can help you see the blessings all around you, which in turn can diminish the pain and anguish that you are feeling.  If there is one thing that living with a pair of chronic illnesses has taught me it is that there is nothing that we can't overcome, and there is no situation in which we cannot find something positive if we just look.  Once we start seeing those blessings in our lives and more importantly; appreciating them- then we can enjoy the ride.  

A new wrinkle in the RA journey

Last Friday I returned from an almost week long trip to Florida.  Sunday was travel, Monday my friends and I spent at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure, Tuesday-Thursday were VERY full days of our annual meeting and trade show and Friday travel back home.

The trip to Universal was strictly to see The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  As biblio-dorks, we love the books, and the movies were top notch.  We were SO very excited and really enjoyed ourselves.  The best part was, having no children with us, we were able to wander around and spend as much or as little time at the attractions as we wished.  We ended up walking all of Islands of Adventure two and a half times over a span of 7 hours.  Nothing too arduous and truly enjoyable.

The work part of the week was a *bit* more strenuous but nothing horrid.  Which is why it was a very big surprise when, Tuesday night my feet and ankles started to swell. Nothing was hurting but they ballooned to the point that shoes had to come off and stay off early.  I woke up Wednesday morning and all was well but by Wednesday night- they were back to huge and though they weren't achy- they were swollen to the point that I could feel the....stretching of the skin?  It was wildly uncomfortable.  I talked to my bosses and received a "dispensation" to wear flip flops on Thursday to the trade show which was good because the swelling was not gone by morning and shoes were NOT fitting on my feet.  Friday- same thing.  I ended up traveling home in them- which was fine because I prefer to travel that way anyway.  Saturday and Sunday- I only bothered to put anything on to run to the store and by Sunday evening the swelling was gone enough to put on shoes for work on Monday.

Now, I know that inflammation and swelling is just a part of living with RA- but this was new to me.  Generally speaking, when I am swollen it's because my joints are inflamed and hurt like mad.  This time, the only discomfort was from the severe amount of swelling involved.  Where the foot and the ankle meet looked like two little fat rolls and the pressure was just...weird.  It wasn't that it was painful like the joint pain.  It was just so uncomfortable that I kept looking down to see what in the world was going on down there in my body.

So my question to my RA friends out there is:  Have you ever experienced this?  I am assuming it was because of the travel and the walking but since I walk regularly I am not positive.  I took photos for my next visit with my Rheumy but it just puzzles me so I wanted to reach out to you.  Any thoughts?  Suggestions?

What is Your Legacy?

I am in Orlando, FL this week for a series of meetings and our Back to Campus show for work. Two friends and I came down a day (and a half) early to get our geek on and go to Universal Studios "Wizarding World of Harry Potter" before joining colleagues nationwide tomorrow for a week of learning, networking and seeing the latest trends in merchandise.

This morning, I woke up a little later than normal. I am sitting outside this morning, all by my onesies, next to a fountain at my hotel. I have a cup of coffee in my hand and am just enjoying listening to the birds chirp and the rustle of the fronds of the palm trees. I brought along my latest Entertainment Weekly Magazine to pass the time and was reading an article entitled "Honoring TV Legend Valerie Harper". In case you didn't know; Harper, who is best known as TV's "Rhoda" from first The Mary Tyler Moore Show and then a spin-off of her own, recently announced that she has terminal brain cancer. The article is a beautiful testament to Harper's living legacy both as a television star and as a person. It's best summed up in this quote from producer James L. Brooks who said "Val always just lived. She spills support. It was almost excessive. All she ever did was pour out love and support." I think it's beautiful that this article is running now, while Ms. Harper is still alive to read it rather than as an "In Memorium" after her death.

Reading the article, which has dozens of quotes like this from friends and colleagues, got me thinking. If I were terminally ill or (God Forbid) to die tomorrow, what would people say about me? What legacy am I leaving behind for the people I have met? What would the people I have worked with, been friends with, people I have loved, say about me? I know what I hope they would say- but have I truly embodied the spirit of what I wish to be?

Here's the other thing running through my mind: Aren't we all "terminal" in a way? None of us is getting out of this alive, so why don't we tell one another how they have touched our lives? Wouldn't it be lovely to know if you have had a positive effect on someone before you leave this world? Wouldn't it be constructive to find out that you have negatively impacted someone so that you could make amends or repair that relationship? Not many of us are "celebrities" in the true sense of the word so it certainly need not be a public thing- but don't we all have people who have had a starring role in our lives? Don't we all have people who have had an impact on us without them even knowing it? As I write this, I think about a teacher I had in high school (a hundred years ago) who, at the time, I felt really believed in me. Oh, she may not remember me (it truly was 30 years and hundreds of students ago) but I remember her and the way she made me feel like I was truly better than the work I was doing. She woke me up to the fact that I was smarter than I was letting on in an effort to "fit in" with my crowd and that I didn't have to hide it. She never knew that she reached me. At 15-16 I never would have thought to let her know.

Why don't we tell them? What's stopping us from reaching out to the people that have been (and still are) important to us and letting them know how much they have meant to our lives? There is nothing "wrong" with it, nothing to be embarrassed about. I think what I will do is do a "Google search" on this teacher and just send her a card thanking her for what she did for me. Perhaps I will take it a step further and reach out to others who are meaningful in my life and do the same.

This is a challenge- for you and for myself. Tell one person who impacted you how they have made a difference in your life. Let them know because they may not realize it at all and it could really brighten their day. You can send them a card, write them a letter, or shoot them an email if you are too self conscious to say it in person. Just let them know now, before it's too late.

Have a lovely day!

Family and Getting Back to Normal.

I had blocked off last weekend to head back to Tennessee for a round of plasma "donation" but at the last minute it didn't work out.  Instead, I packed up the puppies and headed to my folks.  It had been a month since I had seen them and though we talk often I have gotten very spoiled being able to pop down pretty much any time I want so I was missing them.

We didn't do anything "exciting" which was good.  I spent a lot of time on the sun porch reading, we watched a movie, went out to dinner, did a little work in the yard (they more than me), ran errands- just spent time together but by Saturday night I was starting to feel "normal" again.

Sunday morning, I had an epiphany.  I think that a very large part of the black cloud that has been hovering over my head is that I am overwhelmed in a big way.  I look at my house and I see so much housework to be done that I don't even know where to start.  I see "things" that I *could* get rid of, but it exhausts me just to think about making those decisions.  I think about work and know that I feel like I am constantly trying to play catch up.  I think about my personal goals and they seem so far out of reach.  I think about the fact that I am leaving Sunday for Florida and though Monday will be a personal day of fun with friends, I know that Tuesday through Friday will be work, work, more work and I feel like if I don't get my lists started now- I will forget something important that needs be done while I am there.

Spending the weekend with my parents with no pressure and no responsibilities did a lot to help me find the equilibrium that I need to get back on track.  I spent my drive home putting things into perspective.  I thought about what's important to me and what I need to prioritize when I get back from my trip.  I decided that those quiet hours were so restorative that I need to create a space in my house (and I know where it will be) that I can go to curl up and relax; with a book, with the puppies, with a movie- whatever- and I need to start using it on a regular basis.  I need to pull out my gratitude journal and start writing down something every day  for which I am grateful.  I need to get back to my "other" writing project which has been put aside for some time now.  I need to take advantage of the daylight savings time switch to get out and start walking again.

The plan is to spend the rest of this week preparing for next week's trip and then use the time away to creat a plan for my return.  I feel like I am heading in the right direction and that's a good feeling.  

In a dark place

I have been in a pretty dark place for over a month now.  I know that losing my father-in-law started the process but what I don't know is how to navigate my way out of it.  I have been thinking a lot about death.  Mine and everyone else's.  I am not to the point of obsessing (thank goodness) but I am...noticing it more and more.  It seems as if so many people that I know are losing loved ones and on top of it the news is filled with stories of untimely and sad deaths.  Some have definitely affected me more than others.  For example:

Late last week there was more than one severe accident on 65 in Kentucky at the same time.  One one side of the highway a big rig hit a car and started a multi-car accident. Within moments, on the other side (they are separated by a very large median) the exact same thing happened.  In the end, there were 11 victims of the accident, six dead.  One of the dead was a 94 year old man.  I could not wrap my head around living ninety four years only to die in such a horrific manner.  There were also several foster children among the victims.  These poor kids had already had a tough life- only to die this way.   "How does that happen?"  and "How is that fair?" played in my head all weekend.  Incidentally- there was a very similar accident in the same spot yesterday.  Three accidents in less than five days- makes me hesitate to drive that area any time soon.

Friday a 17 year old girl was raped and murdered in her apartment by a known, convicted sex offender.  He was caught within 24 hours but how does that happen?  The man has been convicted of rape multiple times going back to the 80's.  I cannot understand WHY he was out and walking around in society.  I cannot imagine what this CHILD (and whether or not she was living on her own, she's still a child) went through.  It hurts my heart to even think about  what she suffered and it makes me so very angry to know that this man was free.

Last week there was an accident between a cab and a car, I believe in NY.  The man and woman in the car were killed.  It so happened that the woman was very pregnant and so the doctors delivered the baby with great hopes that she would survive.  Yesterday, she too passed away from extensive brain trauma from the accident.  When I initially heard about this accident I was so hopeful for this little baby.  When the news alerted that she had gone it was as if all of that hope was sucked right out like a balloon that had been blown up and slips out of your fingers before you tie it off.

Shootings, stabbings, overdoses, suicide, war; stories of these fill the news every day.  You cannot escape  it if you want to watch the news for current events.  What are we doing to ourselves?  What are we doing to one another?  What can we do to Just. Make. It . STOP?

And then there are the illnesses.  Every day we see and hear of friends, loved ones, members of our community who are battling horrible illnesses.  I don't mean the ones like mine which bring pain.  I mean illnesses that can be terminal.  Go to twitter.  Type in #CancerSucks and see how many hits you get.  I would be willing to bet at least weekly you see a meme on Facebook challenging you to repost if you support someone who is fighting for their lives.  I know I do.  WHY- with the millions and millions and millions of dollars raised for research and the many great minds working on these research projects- do we not yet have a cure?

This is where my head has been.  I hear about this and my mind fills with questions such as the ones above and then moves to "how will I die?"  I am not so much concerned with when but I think about the cause. Quietly and peacefully would be my preference- but with all that's wrong with this world, what are the odds of that?  I have been thinking about this far too often for someone who is trying to live from a positive place.  I know it will pass, I just don't know when.    

Traveling and getting back to normal.

It has been a really rough few weeks but I am finally back and returning to my old routine.  If you haven't traveled with a chronic illness, it can really take a toll on you.

We had to make a return trip to New England.  We lost my father-in-law at the end of January.  It was emotional on so many levels and not without a large amount of stress. It's been a roller coaster ride since Christmas to say the least.  While we were very sad to lose him, especially so soon after we found out that his cancer had not only returned but spread to his stomach, spleen and liver, we were thankful that, if he had to die, he actually passed because his kidneys could not handle the stress the cancer put on his body and shut down.  It's a very gentle way to go.  While we were sad that he had to move to a nursing home a few weeks ago, we were so glad that my husband could be there to help him make that transition and to say goodbye.  While we were very sad to lose him, we are so thankful that my husband had 47 good years with him and I had him for 30 years-and we are glad that he is back with Mom.  He missed her so very much when she passed.  Most of all, while everyone was sad to lose Dad~ this trip brought a huge amount of healing between the siblings from wounds that occurred when my Mother-in-Law passed.  For that I will be eternally grateful.

On the other side, we drove the 17 hour drive back.  When we drive we have the bad habit of making the trip straight through which is pretty rough on my old bones and joints.  We got there and there was a HUGE fiasco with the hotel that we booked and we had to book a new hotel.  We finally get settled there and flip on the television to find out that the lovely blizzard that they named Nemo was heading our way and is expected to hit right in the middle of the wake.  Stress level rising. All in all, we worked through it as a group, the wake was lovely and we made the best of being socked into a hotel.  On the bright side, I got to spend a good amount of time with Josh and his girlfriend and we met her adorable children.  One night they had us over for dinner and when they lifted the driving ban (smartest move the governor has ever made) we had dinner together out at a restaurant.  After the funeral, Jim and I were both itching to get out of New England and back home so we left a little early and headed back.  Back to home, back to my puppies, back to "normal".

It took a solid five days each way to be able to walk without my cane but it was worth it.  Even as I deal with the residual effects of a flare I can look back on this trip as a good one.   That said- I am glad to be getting back to a routine.  Routine can be a godsend when you have a chronic illness.  Just knowing what comes next can help you prepare mentally and physically for the challenges.  I am also incredibly fortunate that I have the time and flexibility to ease back into work without putting too much more stress on my body- even though we are heading into budgeting which is stressful in and of itself. :-)

I hope you have a great day!

Baby it's COLD Outside!

Whew!  I woke up this morning and the temp is a whole 11 degrees.  With the windchill, it's at a minus 4 degrees outside!  Harley and Auggie were NOT fans of going out this morning and they made it a quick trip.  Now, I am not complaining-per se, because I know that it is much colder elsewhere.  I have friends in Northern Maine who have temps below freezing with 20-25mph winds today making it -45-50!  My hubby is up in MA this week and he has had snow since last night with more to come. That said, one reason we moved south of the Mason-Dixon to get away from this bitter cold.

As many of you know, when you live with joint and muscle issues the cold can be truly brutal.  For me, probably because I had not loosened up yet, the mere act of putting the dogs out (they are on "runner leads") and bringing them back in (removing their leads outside) a few minutes later caused instant shooting pain in my hands. Even though it took less than a minute each time my knuckles felt like they had vices on them and someone was turning those vices very quickly.  Additionally, going outside from my nice warm house caused immediate static throughout my hair.  It was literally clinging to my face as soon as I walked back inside.  I don't mean just fly aways- I mean full on clinging to my face.

Today is definitely the kind of day that you just want to snuggle up under a mountain of blankets and stay that way but, alas, work beckons.  So what's a girl to do?  First the hair.  It's been almost 2 hours since I got up so my hands have eased down to a throb.  I won't be able to manipulate a curling iron, the hands are not remotely ready to do a braid and if I try to just throw it in my usual messy bun, the static will cause crazy "pulling out and sticking up" hair.  That leaves (aerosol) hairspray and hot rollers.  Here's what's great about hot rollers:   I use a lot of hairspray on my comb or brush as I smooth the hair to it into the rollers and that will tame the static while the radiant heat from handling the rollers keep my fingers moving enough to get the job done.  I just timed it and it took 23 minutes to do 18 rollers, eyeliner (twice- I botched it the first time) and mascara.  I will leave the rollers in my hair until just before I need to get dressed.

Next, I have to layer up or my joints will protest all day.  For me that means warm socks ( they are in the dryer right now getting toasty), thicker pants (wool, denim, etc), a turtleneck, a sweater, a scarf around the neck, jacket, and gloves.  No hat today- that would bring back the static instantly.

I have also stocked up on "Hot Hands" for the winter.  Though I love Thermacare, it can get expensive.   Hot Hands work the same way and are relatively inexpensive.  Most likely because the are much smaller, don't have adhesive and don't last as long as Thermacare, but they get the job done well.  Whenever I venture into Walmart- I pick up a 4 pack for less than a dollar.  I open up a pack before I go out to start my car to get ready for work and slide them inside my gloves so that my hands don't seize up when I go to drive.  Many people put them on the palm side but I find that if I put them on top of my hands as far up as they will go inside my gloves and a second one where the wrist piece is, they keep my hands and wrists flexible enough to wrap around and manipulate the steering wheel.  When I get to work, I keep my gloves on until I am truly warm and then keep the Hot Hands on my desk when I am in there or in my pockets while I am on the sales floor so I can pick them up as needed to loosen my joints throughout the day.

Next, I have prepared my house for when I get home tonight.  My heating pad is plugged in and ready to turn on.  I will turn it on before I take the dogs out for their walk so that it's warm when I get back in.  I have a toasty blanket in my chair to snuggle under, I have an extra blanket on my bed and depending on my mood- Lipton Extra Noodle soup sitting next to the stove and a bunch of veggies that I prepped last night so that if I am not in the mood for soup I can do a quick stir-fry.  I also will, when I get dressed, leave my pajamas and spa socks in the laundry room so I can toss them in the dryer and warm them up before I put them on for the night.

Finally- two little "tricks" to combat the static and dry skin that the cold brings.  I know that I need to drink more water.  That's a big issue for me because I usually get my "water" for the day through coffee and iced tea.  Yesterday I bought an 8 pack of 12oz bottled water.  I left it in my car so that it's nice and cold and will take two bottles in to work with me.  I will refill them throughout the day and try to get in at least 8 of those bottles in before bed.  The second trick is to warm lotion and use it before I put on my pajamas.  What I do is to boil water in my tea kettle and pour it into a bowl.  I take the lotion and put it in one of the Ziplock or Glad small storage bowls with  the lid on and drop it into the bowl of water for about 15 minutes.  The lotion will be nice and warm and I find that it soaks in more effectively when it's been warmed.

What do you do to combat the cold?  Any tips or tricks that you use that you would like to share?
    

It's a Gratitude Friday!

I captured a meme last night that was the swift kick in the butt that I needed.  I was feeling very whiny because my back was (and is still) hurting and I could feel myself withdrawing and starting to be a major B-word because I know that I am to conduct a meeting this morning and then drive to my folks.  That means packing the car, then the dogs, then taking them in to the meeting, then back to the car, then a 2 hour drive.  Now we know that I love going to Mom and Dad's for the weekend, I just wasn't looking forward to the logistics involved.  Anyway- I want to share with you the meme:

When I saw it, a light bulb went off in my brain. It was an "Oh yeah!" moment.  I decided in that moment to stop thinking about the pain and take just one minute to see how many things I could be grateful for right then.  As the seconds clicked by, I realized that my blessings are bountiful and though the flare in my back is a pain- both literally and figuratively- I have been much, much worse.

So that's my challenge to you.  Take 60 seconds.  I set my the timer on my iPhone but you can track it any way that works for you.  Now- hit start and think of everything that you can be thankful for in your life right now.  How many can you come up with?   

Changing Meds- again

     One of the toughest things for me, besides waiting for test results and/or diagnosis, has been the journey to find the right medications to slow the damage that Rheumatoid Arthritis will cause and to ease my pain from both the RA and Fibromyalgia so that I can continue to work.  I have been through the DMARDS: Plaquenil, Arava, Sulfasalazine, and Methotrexate. I have done over 2 years on Prednisone.  Run through the Biologics: Enbrel, Humira and now Orencia.  I have done for pain: Meloxicam before Naproxyn and as well as the Naproxyn: Tramadol, Neurontin and Flexeril.  My shelf below my computer screen looks like a mini medicine cabinet.

      Since before Thanksgiving I have been having severe lower back/hip pain.  I thought I could tough it out but finally, in the midst of my 12+ hour work days, I gave in and went to see my Rheumy.  If this were a "normal" time of year for me- I would have been okay to wait but the pain (and exhaustion brought on by the pain) was affecting my work.  Normally during Back-To-School, I am doing 16 hour days to get everything done that needs to be done and I was just not able to do that this term and we were falling behind as a result.

     As I mentioned in a previous entry, my Rheumy diagnosed my pain as Osteoarthritis in the spine combined with RA in my hip causing muscle spasms.  She upped my Neurontin to try to give me relief.  Well- it's been over a week and the Neurontin has eased the pain a bit.  It's no longer acute as long as I take the meds but still "there" and reminds me of that every time I sit too long, stand too long or lay down too long.  It also makes me a bit fuzzy headed and makes me do the thing that makes me craziest- lose my words when I am trying to talk.  That's what I hate about messing with my medications.  The "new" side effects on my body and brain.  I know that eventually my body will ease into this new routine but until then it is just annoying.

     One of the most difficult ongoing things about living with these specific illnesses is that there is no true standard treatment.  Each of us is different so as we move through our post-diagnosis life we have to continually try and find new drug combinations or natural combinations or combinations of both that work for us all the while knowing that even though we find relief today, there may come a time that it won't work any longer and we will have to start from the beginning and do this all over again.

     

Things I wish....

I wish winter was over already.  I, like many RA folks, am not a fan of winter.  Winter is not friendly to our joints.

I wish that Washington would stop the giant "my penis is bigger than yours" contest and get to running the country FOR the people that elected them not for the party with which they are affiliated.  I am so over it.

That said- I wish we, the people, would show our elected leaders the respect that they were shown when I was growing up.  Yet another by-product of the media and the internet is that people feel the...ability to talk about our President et al horrifically and see no problem with it.  I wasn't raised that way.  I didn't particularly LIKE Bush Jr but I never attacked him verbally online or in face to face conversations.  It's not just (but mostly is) us- it's the media (I am looking at YOU Fox News and CNN) blasting people daily.  It's rude, and it shows the entire world just how completely disrespectful that "we"-as a nation have become.

I wish that people were as concerned about the impact that they personally have on our world than whether or not they could have semi-automatic and automatic weapons.  First- I have NO issue if you want to own a gun.  For protection or for sport- that's your right.  If I had the manual dexterity left, I would own one myself.  HOWEVER- there is no need for ANYONE who is not protecting the public (ie our military or police) to own a weapon that blows off dozens of rounds per minute.  I have asked some of the folks that I know who are loudest in their support why they need one and their answer is "because I want one".  Ummmm, hello- that is not a NEED.  Some have said "for hunting."  Ummm- what the heck are you hunting?  Bows and rifles have proven sufficient for years- and if you are shooting that many rounds at an animal either A- you REALLY suck as a shot or B- you are not hunting to use the animal for food or pelts- you are shooting for the fun of killing and that is scary.  How about they turn that "passion" for their "right" to have those guns into action to feed the children of the US?  Or for raising funds or awareness for their favorite causes?  Or even into doing something to making someone's day better?  The world would be a better place.

That's the end of my wishes for the day as I feel myself leaning toward rants-lol.  What do YOU wish?  

Support Systems-one of the keys to healing.

“We don't heal in isolation, but in community.” 

― S. Kelley Harrell, Gift of the Dreamtime - Reader's Companion

I was watching a talk show that I had DVR'd this morning and they were updating a story that they were following of a young woman (about 10 yrs younger than me) who has been battling cervical cancer.  In discussing this incredibly difficult journey she talked about how her support system and how very important they are in her journey.  I wanted to give her a High-5 because I completely agree that our support system is crucial to our acceptance of living with a devastating illness.

I cannot express how important that my support system is to me.  From my husband who helps me out in a myriad of ways on a daily basis, to my friends who are always- morning, noon and night- just a phone call away, to my parents and siblings who are just wonderful; I know how blessed I am to have such a terrific group of folks to lift me up when I am down and make living with an incurable illness...easier.

I have seen so many times when a person is fighting a horrible illness and their relationships melt away.  Whether it's because the other person could not "handle" going through the hard parts with you or they just feel inadequate and just don't know what to say or do to help so they withdraw completely, losing an important relationship during a tough time just compounds the devastation.  When you don't have someone to lean on, someone to count on, it can magnify the battle and make it that much more difficult.

I know first hand how it feels to have this happen.  I have seen some relationships that were important to me melt away since my diagnosis and my move and it hurts.  What was most helpful to me was to forgive them.  I had to look into my heart and say "This hurts but I get it."  It doesn't make it "right" but it does lessen the toll it takes on my stress level and my mental and emotional state.  Letting them go and wishing nothing but peace and happiness for them while I get on with my life was like releasing a burden that I was carrying on my shoulders.  I can't control my illness.  I can't control how someone else is feeling.  What I can control is how I deal with it.  I didn't tell them that I forgave them.  I didn't do it for them, I did it for me.  It was my peace of mind that was most affected, it was my hurt so it was for me that I let it all go.  Because I was able to forgive, if they come back in my life I will welcome them.  Perhaps I will not trust so easily, but I will be open to allowing them to be part of my circle again.

I cannot speak for everyone, but for me, the support I need is pretty simple:

1-  You don't have to physically be there, but let me know that you are "there" if I need to talk.
2-  You can just send me a text that says "Hey- I am thinking of you."  Often that is enough to turn a bad day       into a not so bad day.
3-  You can understand that I am no longer the "burning the candle at both ends and the middle" person I was when you knew me.  If I say that I can't do something-it's because I am wiped out, not because I can't be bothered.
4-  If you are with me on a regular basis- keep in mind that what I can do today, I may not be able to do so easily tomorrow.
5-  Respect my limitations but don't treat me like I am an invalid.  I know when I need help and most of the time I will ask if I need it.
6-  Most of all, understand that despite the changes that I have had to make physically- I am still me.  I haven't changed emotionally, I haven't changed the core of who I am.  Treat me like ME.

That all I've got so I will leave you with this:

“Encourage, lift and strengthen one another. For the positive energy spread to one will be felt by us all.” 

― Deborah Day

Another setback

Since before Thanksgiving, I have been experiencing a big "flare" in my right hip and lower back.  Now- the lower back pain has been going on for literally years and generally I can live with it but this has been high enough on the pain scale that if I so much as turn over while sleeping, the pain is so intense that it wakes me up.  By my calculations this has been escalating and beginning to recede and then ramping back up for 8-9 weeks now.  

So. I went to my doctor this morning and the hits just keep coming. She felt around on my back, felt the "grinding" I was describing in my lower back/hip area and moved my joints around. She said that I have osteoarthritis in my lower back and possibly a rheumatoid nodule in my hip.  Between the RA in my hip and the OA in my back- it's causing muscle spasms- which is why there is so much pain.  Oh- and she gave me orders for another Chest X-ray because she didn't like the looks of the one we did in June.  

She doubled my neurontin to 600mg 2x a day and told me that the only other treatment (because- of course- there is no cure) is exercise and weight loss. If I didn't know she was exactly right, and I didn't know that she's a good doctor who only has my best interest at heart, and if I didn't know that I am uber-bitchy because of the pain, I would have snapped at her and said something to the effect of "no shit- but how am I supposed to exercise and lose weight when I am in constant pain?" Big sigh

Essentially that means I can either get my butt up and out of the house at 5am to get to the therapy pool at the Y so I can walk and exercise in there (because regular walking HURTS) OR I can pay for PT- and exercise in their therapy pool. I am taking the first option starting tomorrow (Saturday-because I can find my bathing suit and go at 6 instead of 5) morning.  

When I left the office to drive back across the bridge to Indiana, I just want to curl up, cry and then sleep.  I wanted to desperately.  Unfortunately work calls so that is just not an option.  It's such a busy time of year for us in the store that a pity party is just not viable right now.  I am working 7 days a week for a few weeks and then I can relax a very little for the next following 2 weeks before my inventory.  By then, hopefully, I will be beyond the pity-party stage and can just relax.  

I was talking to a dear friend about this and she said "This year stinks already!"  I told her that I won't allow it.  Thirteen is my lucky number- I WILL make it work for me.   I just have to get past this, get working on the weight loss and reach for the stars. I don't know how yet, but I will not let this hiccup stop this from being a great year!

On a side note- Happy Birthday to the love of my life!  It's his 47th birthday today and I love him as much now as I did when he was 17.   

Celebrating a New Year with a 500th Post!

I signed into my dashboard this morning and realized that WOW- this is my 500th post!  It took me back for a minute because it felt a little momentous.  I decided to look back on some of my old posts and found some small surprises and some bigger things to reflect upon that have re-shaped my goals and "resolutions" for the coming year.

One of the biggest surprises that I found was that I have managed to meet as many goals as have gone unmet.  You may wonder why that is a surprise.  It's because we- okay I- tend to make our failings so much bigger in our lives than they need to be. Think about New Year's Resolutions for a moment.  How many times have you heard (or said) "I don't make resolutions, I never keep them anyway" ?  How many times have you fallen off your diet, been unable to quit smoking, stopped going to the gym and turned it into "I will never be able to lose the weight/quit smoking/get in shape/whatever!"  I am guilty of ALL of these- and then I beat myself up for a month or twelve and go on with my "bad" habits for another long stretch of time.  If the collective "we" can beat ourselves up over our failings for a good long time- why is it that when "we" meet a goal we don't celebrate for an equally long time?  Now- I don't mean that in order to celebrate our wins we have to shout it from the rooftops. We need to celebrate internally.  So here's my first "goal" for 2013.  My goal is to stop beating myself up and celebrate my successes big and small.  It means that when I look in the mirror, instead of thinking (EVERY. SINGLE. TIME)  "God, you REALLY need to lose weight!" I will change that to: " You ate really well today/drank all of your water/didn't lose it when you could have/etc.  WAY TO GO!"  Perhaps by re-framing the way I look at myself and my day I can, not only find even more to be grateful for, but also end my dread of the mirror.

Another thing that I found in looking back at the older posts was how the things I felt were "big" things at the time did not have as long lasting impact as the "little" things.  A good example of that is my Josh's visits.  I cannot tell you how excited I get when he is coming to visit! I miss my son so very much and when he is coming to spend time with us it just fills me with anticipation.  And then he arrives.  We have a wonderful time- and I cherish every minute of it- but in the back of my mind is always a countdown until he leaves again.  It tinges this terrific event with a little disappointment and regret.  It's always over too soon and as soon as he's gone home again, it's a huge let down.  On the other hand, we talk on the phone almost every day and while I do not by any stretch of the imagination take that for granted, it's not until I really think about it that I realize how very special that is.  In the big picture, it is so much more important that we talk regularly and that we make the point to connect and keep one another up on what is going on in our lives than that we have the...obligatory(?)...in person visit.  I came to this realization when I was thinking about my beloved Granny.  Some of my favorite vacations were to spend a week with her but there were a LOT of years that I was unable to go visit and I wished that I could have.  In retrospect though, we made it a point to talk almost every single week.  One of us called the other- barring travel- every Saturday morning and visited for at least a few minutes for many years.  While the week-long visits were lovely, it's those phone calls that were so much more important.  My second goal for 2013 is to maintain important connections. It's as easy as making a list of those that you want to reach out to and putting it on your calendar.  It doesn't cost anything to pick up the phone.  A card only takes a few minutes to mail- and how much fun is it to receive mail that isn't bills? It literally takes seconds to send a message via Facebook or Twitter and only a few minutes to drop an email.  The "payoff" is that I will have made time to reach out to and let the people in my life know that they are important to me.

Yet another realization in the look back is that it's okay- no- it's mandatory- to start over again and again until we get things right.  Looking back on those resolutions to lose weight, to quit smoking, to get in shape and how quickly they go out the window I think to something that I learned in Weight Watchers years ago.  We were talking about how we "blow it" by overindulging and then give up and she pointed out that just because we have a high fat-high calorie meal, just because we smoke one cigarette, just because we skip a session at the gym- it doesn't mean that we can or should give up!  A momentary failing is only that, one moment in time.  It doesn't have to derail all of our efforts.  It kind of goes back to the whole beating-ourselves-up thing in that we feel like we have failed- from one little mistake- and give up.  Not just on our goals- but on ourselves in the process.  My third goal for 2013 is to begin again as soon as I make a mis-step.  No more kicking myself and using a mistake as an excuse to quit.  Instead- if I have a "bad" meal- it will be a bad MEAL- not a bad DAY.  If I have - say, donuts for breakfast- I will start over again with eating on plan at lunch rather than telling myself "Well- today's blown, guess I will start again tomorrow".        Waiting for tomorrow is what got me to where I am.  It's time to live in today.

That's it for today.  I have more goals that I will be working toward this year- but it's time to do something for myself and take a nap!  I wish each of you a wonderful, healthy and happy 2013.  We have the power to make it great!