How That Hopeful Day Panned Out

     I wanted to wait long enough to see how things would settle before I did an update because thus far, each day has been different.  Ten days ago, my pain management doctor did a series of facet injections on my right lumbar region.  I was given the option of choosing which side and as my right has always been significantly worse than any other area of my body, that was my choice.  When I arrived that day, even with my meds on board my pain level was between a 7 and 8.

The nurses checked me into a screened room in the recovery area, checked my vitals, and then took me back to the procedure room.  As I lay face-down on the table, they cleaned my back with antiseptic and Dr. Habimana, using an x-ray for guidance, gave me several shots of anesthesia in the areas in which there would be shots.  The anesthesia was a quick pinch and then not a lot of feeling on the skin.  Next came the injection.  It is my understanding that the injection was a mix of an anesthetic and a steroid.  The anesthetic to numb the nerves and the steroid for inflammation.  The upper two shots were not bad, just a little pressure as the fluid went in.  If you've ever had a cortisone injection- it was pretty similar, just felt like several times the amount.  I say felt- because I don't know for sure, I just know the amount of pressure and time vs a cortisone injection.

The final injection was directly into the area that has been most painful for years.  I try to be pretty stoic when it comes to things like this and to breath through it ( I mean, if I can sit through 8 tattoos and still want more, what's another needle or two? ) but this hurt like all hell.  I was holding on to the table for dear life and in my head I made up several new swear-word combinations.   My entire body tensed but they talked me through it and soon it was over.  They wiped down my back and applied bandaids and helped me off the table and into a wheel chair then took me back to my recovery area.  I had to wait 30 minutes to ensure I didn't have an adverse reaction and because it's been several months they wanted a routine drug test so they filled my ever-present thermos cup with ice and water and I sat and read until they let me go.  When I left, I would say my pain level was down to a 3- which was amazing! Other than feeling numb, I was fine and was able to drive home.

My after care instructions say to rest for 24-48 hours, not to remove the bandaids for 24 hours, no strenuous activity for 3-4 weeks after the final series of shots and continue normal med routines.  Easy enough to follow and so I went home and rested.  I was pretty numb for the better part of 24 hours.  Once that wore off, I felt like I had a MASSIVE bruise for several days but it wasn't unbearable.  By Monday night even that was wearing away.  Since then I have taken a yoga-ish class, walked longer and farther than in 2 or so years and more.  As long as I take time through out the day to stretch, I am better than I have been in years.  My pain level sits at a solid 2 and I feel like a new person.  I cannot wait to go back on Tuesday and have the left side done.

One very interesting thing that I have learned in this process.  When you are focused on pain in one area, everything else seems minimal.  Once that pain is neutralized- well, the other areas say "HEY! We're still here!".  I thought to myself "Whoa- I knew my left side, shoulders, hips etc hurt-but not as bad as this!"  It's been an eye opener but I am so, so glad I did it and I look forward to seeing how long this works.  I know it's a temporary fix, but I will take it because I am so, so very grateful for the reprieve.

Have a lovely Sunday!

Today is a hopeful day

     Today I am heading in to my Pain Management doctor for Facet Injections.  We discussed Radiofrequency Ablation so I don't know if she will add that on as well, I will ask when I get in but if I weren't hopeful that this will bring some relief from the relentless lower back pain, I wouldn't even have made the appointment. 

     I am at the point in my journey with  my lower back that standing for too long hurts, walking too far hurts, sitting too long hurts.  I have 5 "bad discs" in my back.  In the cervical area I have 2 bulging and one herniated.  In my lower back - one bulging and one herniated.  It's been this way for a very, very long time.  I also have arthritis all through my back.  The chiropractor that I saw took X-rays and said that I had the back of an 80-year old.  That was in the Summer of 2013 when I was 45/46.  He tried to treat me but after weeks of 2x a week treatments including adjustments, massage and acupuncture, he concluded that it was not working and sent me for the MRI that discovered the disc issues.  Last year I went to the Spine center and they said that the arthritis was getting worse and my spine is curving.  It's starting to curve like a backward S. Conservative treatment- my treatment of choice- is Lidocaine patches for pain. They help a bit, but don't take away the pain enough to function so today's visit is the next step. 

Here are my hopes:

•      I hope that I can attend a yoga class that I found this summer
•      I hope that I can walk Auggie farther than around the Cul-De-Sac
•      I hope that I can train Fenway this summer (she HATES the leash) so that I can walk her too.
•      I hope that by walking and doing yoga I can strengthen my lungs and body enough to go hiking through Clifty Falls State Park again.
• I hope that I can regain the energy that I have sorely missed.  

It's a lot to hope for, but hope is all that I can have going in.  I know that no matter which procedure we do, once the anesthesia wears off I am in for a world of pain before the treatment kicks in.  Both facet injections and RFA information online from patients who have been through it say that it can be days of multiplied pain while the medication (anesthesia and steroids) for the facet injection or the "burning off" (the best way I can describe it) of the nerve endings settles for the RFA.  Thankfully the procedure is this morning, it should only take an hour or so and then I can come home and rest until Monday.  The only thing on my plate this weekend is an appointment with my adviser for school tomorrow and then I can come back home and go back to my bed for the next few days if needed.  The irony is that the official literature also says that there is a need to take it easy  and "you can return to your normal activities" after 24 hours.  Conflicting info so I am going to err on the side of caution.  

     In the meantime, while she's doing her thing back there I am just going to repeat my hopes over and over as I breathe through it.  In case you are curious- here's a video of my doctor explaining Radiofrequency Ablation.  Wish me luck!  

Arthritis Today and Life Lessons

     I am incredibly honored that Arthritis Today magazine chose me to be one of their Voices for the Arthritis Awareness Month issue.  The question they asked was: 

What Has Having Arthritis Taught You? 

   You can see my reply in the link above.  They gave us parameters but I could have gone on for days.   I never imagined that, on the fateful day that my LPN looked at me and said "We are going to run some tests but I am pretty sure that you have Rheumatoid Arthritis" that my life would change so significantly just as related to that statement.  It was like diving off of a cliff and hoping that I don't hit the reef.  Before my diagnosis I had never been cognizant of RA, even though I later found out that my Great Aunt lived a very long life with RA.  So, beyond my official reply, here are a few of the things I have learned.  

•  Body parts can permanently distort all on their own.  When I was diagnosed, I felt relatively "normal".  Now, I look down at my hands and my index fingers are rotating in toward my middle finger and my pinkies don't straighten and if I straighten my hands, the pinkies don't come in with the rest of the fingers any longer.  My feet are the opposite- my little toes and the next one are beginning to rotate out and the next is also bending inward.  I don't like the word "deform" but that's what's beginning to happen.  The positive part of the lesson is- it doesn't hurt, it just "is".  
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• One illness can become two-three-four or more.  It's been a very, very hard lesson to learn as I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, then Degenerative Disc Disease and then Rheumatoid Lung Disease.  I have been very open with the fact that beginning with DDD I started asking "What could possibly be next?" Each one has taken longer and  been harder to deal with, both mentally and emotionally.  The positive part of the lesson is- I did manage to wrap my head around them and continue to be productive even when I felt like just crawling in my bed for a while.   
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• Health insurance is a bear to navigate.  Prior to 2005 I only used my medical insurance for routine things like annual physicals and OBGYN visits or the occasional illness or accident.  After RA- well, insurance has been and continues to be a learning experience. Am I the only one who remembers when you went to the doctor or the hospital and received one bill?  Now the bills are endless as they come from the facility, the doctor, the lab etc.  At some point, I may just figure out the rhyme or reason, but by then it will probably change.  The positive part of the lesson is- I am still currently able to work to afford my health insurance and the co-pays and balances.  
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• There are all sorts of treatments we can try before we get to something drastic.  This is a HUGE positive. Though I have been resistant (okay, let's be honest-I've been downright pissy) about having to go the Pain Management  route, next week the doctor is going to either do Radiofrequency Ablation on my lower back or, if it's not viable, give me a big fat epidural.  One of these two should give me some relief from the relentless pain.  I would LOVE to have the whole summer without back pain.  That would let me work with Fen on leash training (she HATES walking on a leash) and take Auggie for walks as well.  I haven't been able to do that in a long time.  At the moment, around the cul de sac is about as far as we can go.  Epidural would last, possibly a few months.  RFA can last 6 months to a year.  How hopeful is THAT! Should I be one of those anomolies that the treatements for whom the treatments don't work, I think it will be time to start looking into holistic remedies.  I know that acupuncture works for a week or so.  Maybe I will check and see how much a package of treatments cost.  There's a float center being built as I type.  Josh says that floating is better than massage for relaxing the muscles and joints and I still have to gift certificates from Jim for Christmas to use.  Perhaps that's the way to go next?    

 That's just a few of the things I have learned but the biggest lesson of all is gratitude.  When I was diagnosed there was no way that I would have seen the positives in these lessons so easily.  Now, I actively look for it so that I can be grateful.  It helps me navigates the stresses, it keeps me from spiraling into depression and helps me get out of my head when I am feeling overwhelmed and it allows me to see how very blessed I am despite my difficulties.  I am the first to admit that I am still learning gratitude every day but I am working the journey as best I can and I can see what a difference it's made for me.  

Now I pose the question to  you- what have your difficulties- be it RA or another challenge- what have they taught you?  

Happy Birthday Maya Angelou

Just a quick hit and run post this morning.  I start each morning on my Facebook page with a quote that reflects what I am thinking about for the morning.  Dr. Maya Angelou wrote many things that I find inspiring and I find that I am often drawn to her writing when looking for just that quote that stirs me.  On this day, which would have been her 90th birthday, I found this quote which applies to so many of us with chronic illnesses:

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” 

― Maya Angelou

I hope each of you rises above your challenges today and takes strength in knowing you are not alone.  

Catching Up?

It's been a very, very long time since I've had the brain capacity or energy to have much to say.  Between work and school I have been running a bit ragged but today is an actual FREE day!  I have no homework, laundry folding is on the schedule but we decided to cancel our plans and not to go out today so we can just get some housework done at a leisurely pace and then hubby is going to grill steak tips that have been marinating in a sesame ginger marinade since last night.  So- that means I have time to sit, look at this blank page and think about what I have to say. 

First, let's catch up! 

As far as school goes, in the Fall term I took a KICK ASS stage makeup class.  I loved it and learned so much!  I also took a professional writing class- which was good too.  I made it out with an A in both classes. 

This term is tougher.  I am taking a Research Writing course that is kicking my butt.  I don't know if it's because it's online and I do better face to face or because I just am not getting what the professor expects but if I make it out with a B I will be grateful.  I am also taking a Visual Communication class.  I really like it but it's challenging as all get out.  I am FAR better with the written word than I am visually.  I am not very artistic and you need an artistic eye to design ad, newspaper layouts and (my current project) magazine spreads.  But- I love learning the different programs.  We are working with InDesign and just easing into Photoshop with the latest assignment.  The next two assignments will be a video and a website- that means more programs to learn!  Knowing my limitations, I am hoping for a B in this class too. 

I am very much looking forward to my Summer terms as well.  In the first half of Summer I am taking a Horticulture class which is also a lab and all online that should mean planting at my house so it's win-win.  My full Summer class is the one I've been waiting for- Social Media Strategy.  I can't wait to get my hands in this one. 

As for my RA and stuff- my insurance decided to no longer approve Actmra.  Since the ONLY drug I have left that we haven't tried is Xeljans, my doc decided to go back to the beginning.  The very first drug I was on, in 2005 when I was diagnosed, was Plaquenil.  She put me back on that three months ago now and I really don't see much of a difference.  Then again- that's the story of my life and why I have been through all of the DMARDS and Biologics.  I never respond.  On the other hand, that's also why my plasma is in demand- my RF and Anti-CCP levels have been through the roof since day one.  That said, I am very, very lucky and I know it.  My body knows it's under attack and my labs show it, but I am doing okay with it.  Other than occasionally needing my cane or bracing, and not being able to walk far because of my back, I am managing.  I wish I could exercise regularly to get rid of the weight gain from 2 years on Prednisone and not being able to do my long walks any longer, but I do what I can. 

My Rheumatologist also referred me to Pain Management.  Because of the opiod crisis, many of the doctors in this area are no longer writing scripts for pain meds and are sending us to pain management.  While I get it- they don't want to be responsible and it cuts down on places that the addicts can go to get meds- it's another DOUBLE added expense for patients.  I have to pay a co-pay to walk into the hospital where it's housed AND a co-pay for the doctor to see me for less than 15 minutes since I am stable.  That is utter crap.  I vacillate between wanting to say to heck with it and go off meds completely and sucking it up, but it still makes me mad.  However- the Pain Management specialist offered up treatment options for my back.  I think next visit I will as if a pretreatment can be done for the least invasive and see what my insurance would pay.  If it will allow me to be without pain in my back for a while, it might be worth it. 

What about you?  What's new in your life?  How are you feeling?  

Four Weeks and Counting- AKA #Overwhelmed

  Well, we are 7 weeks into school, 4 weeks in to Haunt season and work is work is work.  Add in PT appointments and hubby taking a second job and I am feeling #Overwhelmed.

Oh, I know- it's my own fault.  I have taken this on myself.  Work is always work.  The only thing that changes is how much payroll I have to work with.  Haunt season is, of course, my favorite time of the year, and I am the one who decided to go back and finish my degree.  Hubby- on the other hand, realizes that if he's going to be in a bowling league and hang out with his friends he needs to have disposable income so he took a part-time gig at Lowes, where he quite enjoyed working and would still be had it not been for the money.

Work, in most sectors these days but especially in retail, is very much about controlling expenses.  The easiest way to control expenses is through payroll.  The Catch-22 is that the work does not stop or lessen.  So we do more with less.  It's a strain, it's stress, it's just a lot.

School is actually rather enjoyable when we don't factor in my "other" role on campus.  I love learning, I love being in a classroom.  It's hard to balance that I am representative of the "Big Bad Bookstore" and being a regular student.   I have to listen to the complaints as to how awful it is that we charge SO much - when we don't set the prices and I spend hours and hours looking for the lowest price options.  It can be a strain to sit there and take it and not speak up.  However, eventually, the students forget and I am just another student.  After the students forget- the prof's don't necessarily do so.  I don't mind working closely with them to ensure that they have what they need.  I enjoy building the relationship, but I am still a student first in the classroom and would like to get rid of the distraction of being "the Bookstore Manager" when I am in class.

Haunt Season makes my heart happy.  I know it's silly.  I know it's...unusual.  But I get to be another person, I get to give people a thrill.  People come to haunted houses because they either want to be scared or someone drags them.  Either way, for just a few minutes, I add to their experience and it's SO much fun.  I don't have enough time to tell you all the stories but we get a lot of laughs.  It feeds the acting bug without having to give up my life to be an "actor" and I am allowed to have a lot of creative freedom and latitude.  Thankfully it's only 8 weeks of regular work because I am tired.  So, very tired.  Thankfully I have Sundays to rest up.

Jim taking on an extra job is not that big a deal.  It's exhausting for him but it's his choice.  The only reason it affects me is that I have more flexibility and we have the two dogs.  So that they are not stuck in the house alone all day, I have to go to work at 7am, take an hour for lunch and go home and let the pups out then head back to work and/or school Monday through Thursday.  On school days I am at work 7-4 (with my lunch) and then in class 4:15-7:15.  On the other two days, I am at work 7-6:30 or 7 with my lunch.  I do this so I can get out early on Friday to go to the haunt and because by Friday I am exhausted and need to nap.  It also allows me to book my appointments and such on Fridays and not mess up my regular schedule.  It just makes for very long days.

PT is...interesting.  The Spine doctor says that I have arthritis in 80% of my spine and that have 5 discs that are in bad shape.  The goal with PT is to get my loose enough to function.  Currently, we are using traction twice a week, ultrasound and trigger point massage.  The massage feels amazing.  The ultrasound feels good too.  Traction is not so fun- but it's making a difference.  My range of motion is better.  I only wish that I could have trigger point done every day.  We have another week or so of this then I will be on my own till I am back to the spine doctor.

All of this is manageable on their own but together I am a big ball of stress.  Four more weeks.  Then haunt season will be over (sad sigh) and I will be able to take back my weekends.  It will be both sad and a relief.  Until then, I plug on and on and make it through and make plans for a lot of self-care when it's over.

Hope you all are well.

Testing. 1..2..3..Testing

One of the less fun sides of both chronic illness AND ageing is all of the tests that we have to endure.  Most of us with RA have to have blood work routinely.  With Degenerative Disc and Rheumatoid Lung, it's X-rays/MRI's/ Breathing tests etc.

Then there's ageing.  I turned 50 last month which means that in addition to routine blood work, the always pleasant Mammogram, and "female" testing I was given the gift of a Colonoscopy.

This week has been rough.  I had an appointment on Sunday for a deep periodontal scaling -thanks lowered immune system!  I haven't had a cavity since the 90's but even with taking care of my teeth, my lowered immune system opens me up to periodontal infections.  I recently lost three back teeth due to this and we have to do whatever we can to keep the rest.

Tuesday I went to the Spine Center to follow up on the DDD.  The x-rays show "multilevel degenerative disc disease."  The C3-C7 show thinning, spurring and "subluxation" which essentially means that my neck is bending the opposite way that it should.  The last MRI in 2014 showed that two of those discs were bulging.  The lower back showed that the L4-S1 are thinning, have spurs and show signs of "Dextro scoliosis".  In addition, both areas have lots and lots of hereditary (thanks Gran!) arthritis with the L5-S1 looking like cotton candy instead of nice and crisp.  That explains a lot of the constant pain.  I don't want to add more meds and still refuse narcotics so we are being conservative.  That means it's back to PT for measurement for a cervical brace and dry needling and adding Lidocaine patches 12 hours a day.  In two months, I go back and if we haven't seen any improvement it will be another MRI, a lower back brace and on from there.
Tomorrow is the dreaded Colonoscopy.  This is my first and hopefully, I won't need one for a long time.  Also hopefully, the prep is worse than the test.  I am not going into the prep, I will just say that it's not fun.  Fortunately, I have the time needed to take today off for the prep and tomorrow off for the test.

Next week- it's back to the Rheumy for routine blood work.

As I sit here and reflect on this week and psych myself up for tomorrow I have to think about the medical costs.  I am so very grateful that Barnes & Noble Education takes good care of its employees in terms of the insurance it offers to us. I have a co-pay for visits, a reasonable deductible and then pay about 20% for the rest of the year.   Even with good insurance, those costs add up!  I just cannot imagine what someone who did not have insurance would have to pay out of pocket for all of these procedures and tests.  I completely understand how medical bills can bankrupt a family.  It makes me incredibly sad that in a nation such as ours, this can be allowed to happen.  But that's a post for another time.

Be well, my friends.  Be well and get whatever tests your doc feels is necessary.  Though they are expensive and time-consuming, they will help head off any nasty surprises.  

Reclaiming Things I Surrendered To RA

     Over the years I can think of many, many things that I have given up to RA.  Exercise, good wine, being able to plan.... But this weekend I reclaimed something.  It was small but it felt like a victory.

 Growing up on Air Force bases, the Bowling Alley is often the hub of social activities.  We kids hung out there as teens, my MIL worked at one- you get the idea.  For many years my husband's family was a family of bowlers.  Marrying in, it was natural that I join the teams.  Though I enjoy bowling, I was never as hyper competitive as the in-laws so after years of bowling with them, I took a break for a few years then joined some friends for a "fun" league where I did exponentially better than with the pressure of serious competition.
Just about the time I was at my peak- I was diagnosed with RA.  My onset began in my hands and feet.  Feet that felt like I had run a marathon upon waking and hands that were in claws when I woke and ached all day meant that one of the first things that fell by the wayside was my fun league.

I haven't given a thought to even picking up a ball in a dozen years. That's not true.  I've thought about it- and immediately dismissed it because of my hands.  We even got rid of my Micky Mouse decorated ball and matching shoes when we moved out to So. IN 10 years ago.

Well- last week hubby came home from his bowling night and said to me "So- after haunt season you're going  to bowl with me on Friday nights."  I looked at him as if he had lost his mind and said "Oh AM I?  I haven't picked up a ball in years!"  He then sweetened the pot the next day.  "If you do, I will buy you this Patriot's bowling ball and gear"  I laughed because he knows my sweet spot and agreed to talk about it.  After considering it, I told him we would have to give it a shot because between the RA and the acrylics I pay good money for (Vanity- thy name is woman!) I didn't know if I could do it.  We contacted my dad because he enjoys a good game and agreed to go this past weekend.

And so we did.  I wasn't great.  The old back doesn't allow me to move the way I did when I was bowling regularly and I was very hesitant- but I broke 100 so I was pleased.  Hubby looked at Dad after my first strike and said "Guess I am buying a ball!"  We only bowled one game because a group of people with ZERO etiquette was put on the lane next to us and essentially crowded us out so we will have to go again and bowl three games as if a normal league play so I can see if I can do it, but I enjoyed it and am considering his request.

So take THAT RA!  You don't necessarily get to keep the things you took from me! 

50 for my 50th.

Today is my 50th birthday.  Today I am reflecting on my life, my goals, my bucket-list.  As part of my reflection, I have made 5 lists of 10 things that are on my mind.

Ten things I am grateful for in the big picture:

1-  I am grateful that I have a wonderful, loving family.  Parents, sisters, husband, my loving child, nieces, nephews and friends.  Family of my blood and heart- all of whom are terrific people.

2-  I am grateful that I have a good job that affords me health insurance and a decent living, good benefits and that, for the most part, I enjoy.

3-  I am grateful that I have two sweet, smart pups who love me unconditionally as much as I love them.  They are truly emotional support.

4-  I am grateful that I have a home to live in, with heat, air conditioning, clean water, a good bed, and  comfortable furniture that I can afford to pay for and that is safe and sound.

5-  I am grateful that my health has held out longer than initially expected.  The first Rheumatologist that I saw was sure that if we were not very aggressive in my treatment I would be in a wheelchair by 45.  Despite failing all of my treatments so far- I am still holding out and holding on.

6-  I am grateful that I have a love of books.  Books can not only educate you but take you to new worlds, open you up to new interests and shift your world view.

7-  I am grateful that I can afford food.  Not just to nourish my body but also to indulge my joy of cooking.  Experimenting in the kitchen, finding new flavor combinations or ways to manipulate those flavors into something that is delicious is incredibly satisfying.  Especially when someone you love enjoys what you produce.

8-  I am grateful that I have my quiet mornings.  While I could not get up and immediately get ready to go to work like a normal person, it's lead to my quiet mornings.  As part of my "new normal" I get up, have some coffee, see the sun come up, watch the news or something on the DVR and ease into the day.  Even on vacation I was normally the first up and managed a cup of coffee or two either alone or with my sister before things got hectic.  It just helps me start my day in a good head-space.

9-  I am grateful that I began this journey.  Even when I fall off for a while, I can go back and read what I have written and be right back on the road to living from gratitude.

10- I am grateful that we made the move to the mid-south 10 years ago.  I cannot imagine my life had we stayed in New England.  It would be so very different.

Ten things I know for sure:

1-  I know that living with chronic illness may not be something I would choose but not suffering from it IS my choice.

2-  I know that the idea of forgiveness is much easier than actually letting go of hurts.

3-  I know that taking weight of is exponentially harder than putting it on.

4-  I know that finding something that you love to do, no matter what it is and how many people roll their eyes at you about doing it, can bring you vast amounts of joy.

5-  I know that Random Acts of Kindness not only make you and the recipient feel good in the moment, but can also make you want to do more and more. They can be a love drug if you let them.

6-  I know that there are people who, no matter how much you do for them, always expect you to give and give without so much as a sincere thanks- and that's not your fault.

8-  I know that it's not only okay but healthy for your overall well-being to remove those toxic people from your life.

9-  I know that we can learn about love and compassion from our animals.

10- I know that we need to take care of ourselves mentally and emotionally if we wish to live happy lives.  

Ten things I just don't understand:

1-  I don't understand "isms"- Racism, Ageism, Sexism, Classism,  Lookism, Sizeism, Ableism, Nativism.  It makes no sense to me to judge people just by how they look or where they are from.

2-  I don't understand labeling.  I am a Gen X'er.  I am a Mom. I am Straight.  I am a Wife. I am Caucasian.  I am Female.  I am a Moderate Independent.  I am somewhat Disabled.  I am so many different labels- yet not one of them defines me.  I am more than each and every one of these labels and an amalgamation of them all.  Aren't you more than each of your many labels?

3-  I don't understand how people can harm those who are defenseless- children, animals, the infirm.  What has to be going on in their heads?

4-  I don't understand being hateful to perfect strangers online.  If you wouldn't say it face to face, how is it okay to say it online?

5-  I don't understand dividing our wonderful country by party lines.  Democrat and Republican are not epithets.  Neither are Liberal or Conservative.  Why are we not working for the good of ALL of the country- not just the party that we identify with?  What is best for our country is a sound economy, safe infrastructure, ecologically sound utilities, equal access to quality healthcare for all, and leading the world in research and technology.  It is to follow our founders when they said " We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness"  The rest of the stuff- who you worship, your race, your sexuality, your gender, your family makeup- not the business of the country.  

6-  I don't understand people who believe that rules and policies don't apply to them and will throw a fit if they don't get their way.

7-  I don't understand people who think that it's okay to make a "career" of stealing from others rather than working for what they want. Do they not get that the person they are stealing from did just that?

8-  I don't understand how an argument, a territory dispute, road rage can be worth taking a life.  Every day the news is filled with murder, shootings, stabbings and more.  Life is worth so much more- when did we become disposable?

9-  I don't understand higher Math and the Sciences.  STEM is not the way my brain works-and when it comes down to it, it makes me kind of dumb in those areas.   I am more creative but that being said- smarter minds thank mine are tasked with math and science, and I trust them in their fields.

10- I don't understand a lack of work ethic.  If someone is paying me to do a job- be it sweeping a floor, cleaning a toilet or running a multinational company, I am going to do my best.  I am going to take pride in the job I am doing and be the best floor sweeper/toilet cleaner/CEO that I can be.  I don't understand how people can take a paycheck and just show up.

Ten things I still want to do in my next decade:

1-  I will complete my education.  I am starting back with my first class next week.

2-  I will shed the weight that I need to lose.  It's a work in progress.

3-  I will still fight my body against my disabilities.  Even if it means just a walk around the block, as long as I am able to move, my illnesses don't win.

4-  I will write for publication.  Fiction, non, magazine articles, news- nothing can stop me from writing.

5-  I will journal to leave a legacy for my child and grandchildren.

6-  I will expand my horizons.  I will continue to try new hobbies and test my interests to see what sticks.

7-  I will go horseback riding when I am NOT on vacation.

8-  I will create multiple new haunt characters.

9-  I will continue to be an advocate and ally for those who need my voice.

10- I will learn to say no when I need to take time to be good to myself.

Ten things on my Bucket List:  

1-  I dream of spending 4-6 weeks in Europe

2-  I dream of chartering a yacht in the Mediterranean for a week or so.

3-  I dream of seeing the rest of the US.

4-  I dream of Winters where it's warm, Summers where it's less warm.

5-  I dream of writing a book that touches someone the way so many books that I love have touched me.

6-  I dream of walking another marathon.

7-  I dream of contributing to animal rescue in a significant way.

8-  I dream of  going on a photographic safari.

9-  I dream of swimming with dolphins.

10- I dream of contributing to my world in a way that will be remembered.  Not me- but the contribution.


Today, though just another day for most, I begin a new journey.

Father's Day Reflections

I have said it before and I will say it again.  I am so, so very blessed to have the parents that I do.  I am very aware of it and I give thanks for them often.  Being a military family is somewhat unusual.  Most will never know what it's like to pick up and move every other year, to spend year(s) away from your family on "Temporary" duty or remote assignment while supporting your family on very little money and a whole lot of ingenuity.  This, of course, was in the days before the internet, before email, before skype or cell phones.  It was the days of keeping up with the family through crackly phone calls during an allotted time because it cost so very much and snail mail.  But here's the thing:  Mom and Dad never made it seem stressful.  They always sold it as an adventure.  We never knew how much they struggled financially- the made it work.  We never knew how much strain all of the politics (and if you think the military is bad- you should see the Wive's Club!) caused.  We never knew how crazy we made them.  They handled military life and raising children with so much grace that we could all only hope to be as good of people as they are.  They have supported us girls in all of our decisions- good and bad, and after 55 years together they are still crazy about one another.  They set the bar high on how to conduct yourself in all areas of life.

So today, on this Father's day- I share them with you.  I love you Mama and Daddy.  Thank you for my sisters, thank you for being role models and thank you for teaching us to be open, loving people.

We Are Our Own Worst Enemies

I was going to title this "If it's not one thing, it's another" but that sounds more complain-y (yes, I made that up-lol) and I don't want it to sound like that. Yes, I am tired. Yes, I am sore, but there is nothing unusual about those things.  I was just looking over my calendar for the week and realized how much I burn the candle at both ends (voluntarily) and how little I take time to take care of my self.  That was made very apparent these past few months.

When Jim asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I told him -among several ideas-that I wanted a gift certificate for a massage.  He trekked up to the local Therapeutic Massage clinic that I like and bought me an hour.  When I opened my lock-box to put the gift certificate away, I found another gift certificate that I had received years ago that was long expired.  I contacted the clinic and they offered me half credit for it as long as I booked the appointment right away.  I went for that massage and while it was divine and I had a significant increase in range of motion,  it kicked off the "bruised" feeling of a Fibro flare due to how hard she had to work to get the knots out of my neck and shoulders.  That pain has subsided over the last two more visits but I know that it's my own fault.    I have always carried my stress in my neck and shoulders and it showed that I haven't been in for a massage in far too long.  As I lay there on the table, in the quiet, as she worked the knots on my knots on my knots out, all I could think was "You REALLY need to take better care of yourself!" When I went for the second and third appointments- we slowly got most of the heavy knots out but each visit is a reminder that I need more than just down time at home to recuperate.

Currently I work, I go home, I cook, I snuggle with the pups, do housework, repeat.  I try to cook good meals but when I am overly tired I fall back on less healthy options.  I don't make it a point to take care of myself the way I need to.  In the Fall, I will be adding even more to my plate.  In addition to an even earlier Haunt season (we start prep in August!) I have also registered to go back to school and finish my degree.  I am easing back in- taking one class I am dreading- Speech- and one I am really looking forward to-Stage Makeup- but it means that I will be in class from 4:15-5:30 and 6-7:15 on Mondays and Wednesdays on top of my regular schedule.  Then, we add back-to-school Rush at work and then haunt season and that means that from August to November I will be crazy busy.

As I sit here, at the beginning of May, Commencement is tomorrow, we start the first Summer Session Tuesday and after this week, things will settle down.  That means that it is the prime time to start making positive changes.  Step by step, if I get in some new good habits, I have time for them to become ingrained before things get crazy again.  First things first- I always, always get up at 4:30am.  The husband goes to work at 6.  I am hoping I can get him to get up a bit earlier so he can stay home with Fenway and I can take Auggie for a walk in the morning.  She tends to freak out a bit when he goes anywhere without her and she HATES the leash so I want Jim to hang out with her so she's fine while we are gone and Auggie and I can get a good walk in.  If not, I guess we will ease into our walks-start small and go a little further each time so she gets used to it.  Auggie will be thrilled- this I do know.  He loves his walks and won't mind the break from his over-enthusiastic little sister.  Next goal- dinner!

It's time that I stop getting so caught up in the day to day that I neglect myself in the process.  It's time that I start treating myself like I would someone that I care about.  it's time that I be good to myself.

Questions, questions...

I am subscribed to a newsletter for a planner that I bought last year.  At the end of the year, they sent me a questionnaire to help me reflect on 2016 and what changes I want to make for 2017.  The blog post can be found here if you want to take a peek.

Rather than doing all of them at once, I have been spending time thinking about each one as it applies to me. Today's question is:  What goals do I have regarding family, love and friends in 2017?

I have said it before and I will say it again- I am so, so very blessed to have the family that I do.  I have wonderful parents who model every day what a successful marriage is supposed to look like.  I have two lovely, successful biological sisters that I truly enjoy and a third who is a sister of our heart.  Each of them has provided me with smart, sweet nieces and nephews that, despite some not-so-great choices, are really good kids.  The same could be said of my son.  Smart, sweet and loving.  I am so proud of the man he's become and I love the family he's chosen to make his own.  By falling in love with Christina (who is a lovely, smart, strong woman in her own right) he is giving me two beautiful grandchildren.  Do you detect a theme about my family?  We are all very, very different women but we genuinely like one another and our family.  The glitch is that we are so spread out.  Indiana, California, North Carolina, New Hampshire and Oklahoma.  We are all over the country and that makes it hard.

My friends are much the same.  I have some terrific people in my life all over the country.  The problem is- connecting with them as they are everywhere and those that are here are all on different schedules.  It was much easier when you are in school and are together every day.  Now we are grown ups, with our own lives and our own things going on.  It makes staying close more difficult.

So my goal is to reach out.  There are some people who I really NEED to reach out and reconnect with because I miss them.  They aren't active on social media, so it will take a phone call or a card- but I am good at cards!  I am NOT good at birthdays and anniversaries so I send my grand-kids, nieces and nephews and some friends random cards throughout the year just to let them know I am thinking of them.  My goal is to add friends and other family members to the list and really make an effort to let them know when I am thinking about them.  I mean- who doesn't like to get mail that is not a bill?  Hopefully it will be a nice surprise.  I think it will be a positive for all of us and will remind me when I do the deed how grateful I am to have them in my life.

Out With The Old/In With The New

OUT WITH THE OLD-

I discovered this year, my 49th in this world, that I just don't understand people at all.  Here are a few of the things I don't understand:

I don't understand berating strangers, in person or online.
I don't understand destroying property- not your own but especially that which belongs to others
I don't understand physically harming another person.
I don't understand when life became disposable.
I don't understand the inability to look beyond political parties to see what makes the whole of a person.
I don't understand name-calling.
I don't understand hate.  Period.

This year-2016- has been the most hate-filled of my memory.  I was born at the tail-end of the Civil Rights Era and I honestly feel we have regressed.  This year we have seen very vocal and very violent hate based on religion, gender, race, who you love, who you vote for, whether or not you believe in gun regulation, - pretty much anything you can imagine and I just don't get it.  Maybe that makes me naive, but I feel that it makes me happier than living with hate in my heart.  It's certainly more peaceful than being angry all of the time.

IN WITH THE NEW-

This year I have not made resolutions.  I have instead decided to adopt two keywords for 2017:

Kindness

And

Gratitude

If I can live with those two little words first and foremost in my heart for 2017.  It will be a stellar year.  

Happy New Year Friends... 

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

I don't know about you but I find the holiday season very stressful.  There are gifts to buy, wrap, ship, parties to plan and others to attend, cards to write and send, and in my world- finals, buyback and prep for Spring term.  It really is a recipe for the perfect storm of guilt or flares.

The problem, I think, is that one one hand in order to preserve my strength and not beg for a flare, I have to prioritize.  On the other side, I hate to disappoint anyone that I care about whether it's by not attending their function or by being late getting my cards/gifts out.  Work is ramping up and that has to be a priority because that's what pays the mortgage and supplies the health insurance.  That means that shopping, going to events and the rest all depend on how I feel after work.

The past week was the tip of the iceberg.  By the time Saturday came around I was sore and tired.  So, I went to work, did about 6 hours of counting and moving books (with my awesome Assistant Manager) and then came home and crashed.  I was sore enough that I didn't go back on Sunday as planned.  I also didn't go to a housewarming that I had very much been looking forward to or to a play that I wanted to see to support one of "my" haunt kids.  Yesterday I got up at the normal time but then allowed myself to chill out until almost 1pm.  Then I watched the football game, grocery shopped, roasted a chicken and veggies and planned and journaled my meals for today.  After dinner I helped Jim mount the TV in the living room on a bracket he had purchased and then relaxed while he stripped the chicken and dealt with leftovers and I watched my Sunday shows (Fairy tales and zombies!) while I worked on some wands to replace the ones I have given as gifts before trying to get some sleep.

The keyword in the previous sentence was *trying*,  My shoulder and elbow were hurting and I couldn't get comfortable.  I would find a position, doze until it started to throb, shift a little and repeat.  Not being able to fall off completely set my mind going on what all I have to do this week and that took care of that. I was in bed at 11:45 and out of bed  at 2:15. I've gotten a lot done so far.  My work email is caught up, my home email is almost caught up, laundry is dried, dishes are washed, lunch is packed and I am going to head into work early.

Coming up this week at work I have finals starting today which means buyback and rental returns and working open to close Monday through Thursday, a conference call I may opt out of on Tuesday, interviews for temps each day, a late lunch to take Mom and Dad to the airport (it's silly to park in Long Term Parking when I am less than 20 minutes away) and on Friday a retreat for the directors of the departments in my division of the school.  Saturday I will be open for four hours as a courtesy for those last minute rental returns, then I have a Christmas party in the evening.  Sunday may bring more work but if not- hopefully I can get my Christmas cards written and ready for mail and at least some of my gifts wrapped and prepped to ship.  It's tiring and stressing me out just thinking about it all.   Sadly- the first thing to drop off would be my party, the second shopping and Christmas cards.

The weekend following I have a trip to TN solo so I will be able to catch up a bit then but I would rather use it to just recharge.  We shall see.  

Perfectionism, Long Journeys and Chronic Illness

     I admit it.  I am a bit of a perfectionist.  I come by it naturally and I don't fight it.  I say a bit because it applies to some areas ( work, for example) but not so much in some (ugh- housework) and I am okay with that.  Here's the problem.  This gratitude journey is a never-ending journey.  Much like any big change it takes time.  Much like quitting smoking or weight loss, living a grateful life has included slip-ups and backsliding.

     The current political climate in our country has created a LOT of backsliding for me.  I struggle so much with trying to find a bright side when we are bombarded from every angle with vitriol.  From the candidates to regular, everyday people that you thought you knew the name-calling, the disdain, the disrespect just grows every single day.  I am astonished at the number of people I have "hidden" on social media over their rants and hateful posts.  I haven't yet blocked all of them (though I have blocked quite a few) because I *hope* that after the election things will settle down a bit and they will go back to the normal people that I associated with before the primaries.  I have already cast my ballot because I will be traveling that day so I can divorce myself from the whole thing a bit but I will be so grateful when November comes so we can stop the attacks but I do fear that no matter the outcome of the election, the political coverage won't stop because the candidates will contest.    At this rate, I truly fear for my country.  I am afraid that we won't be able to come back from the hate and division.  I just hope that I am wrong.  

     I am also working with my PT to try to shed some of this very excessive weight.  Even if I work the program perfectly it too will be a very, very long journey.  In addition to the large amount of weight I have to get rid of, chronic illness doesn't make it any easier.  Working out feels near impossible.  No matter how motivated I am in my brain- my body says "exhaustion".  Between the normal job, haunting three nights a week and the puppies, finding time to even read a book where I am not ready to fall asleep is difficult.  I only have 7 "performances" left at the haunted house so that will end soon but then we ramp up at the store again.  It's a never-ending cycle.  That said- I love my little two-month acting job and can't-at the moment- imagine giving it up.  The creative outlet is refreshing, the improv is fun, and the cast and crew are amazingly talented. The customers can be taxing, but when they are really into it- it works like magic.

    Unfortunately, the failures, the slipping back into old habits, just kills the perfectionist in me.   I beat myself up on a regular basis about it.  Beating myself up just makes the attitude of gratitude harder to achieve.  So I struggle.  But I keep going- because when you live with pain, exhaustion, being ill all of the time- that's all you can do.  Keep going, keep trying, keep on doing your best- even if it's not perfection.

      

Oh Quit Your Griping Already! aka- Get Out of Your Own Head

     Have you ever had those moments when you get tired of thinking "My back hurts. My hips hurt. My hands hurt. My (insert your body part here) hurts.  I am tired. I am so tired, I am SO tired, I am SO TIRED!"  This has been what's been rolling around in my brain for the last few months.  The other thought that keeps bouncing around while I was working more hours than I should and lifting, pulling, standing, walking more than I should was "I just don't know how much longer I can keep going like this."  Now that I have reached the end of the tunnel, I can see clearly that I was so very deep inside my own head and it wasn't a good place to be.  It was bringing me down to where I was letting myself be consumed by my

      I try very hard not to be "that person."  You know the one.  That person in your life who is ALWAYS miserable.  The one who is never happy, never feels good, is always complaining about something.   I also know that when I get where I have been for the last month or so with several mini-flares and the usual back to school killer schedule that even if I try to keep my complaints out of the light, I slip more than I would like and the people around me have to hear me.  Who wants to spend time with that person?  I know I don't so I tend to avoid them but when it's yourself- there is no hiding from it.

     Here's the thing.  You know, I know, everyone knows that I am never going to feel "well" so complaining about it won't do any good.  I don't want pity.  I really kind of despise the thought. A little sympathy can go a long way but there's a very, very fine line because I don't want to be felt sorry for and I don't want to be held up as the example of how "it could always be worse".  Being that example is horrible!   Understanding would be nice, but unless you are living with it you can't really get it.  Even another RA/Fibro/DDD/RLD patient can't truly understand because each case is unique.  No two cases present the same way and no two people handle their pain, malaise and fatigue the same way.  We don't fight our illness the same way and we don't cope with the effects the same way so we can't truly understand what's inside one another's experience.  So all of that being said, complaining only puts the spotlight on my illnesses.  These are the things I think to kick my butt out of my funk in it's beginning stages but this time I was on the go that I didn't give myself that kick and it spiraled.

     What keeps me going through the downward vortex is this:  I know I am capable of more than I should be. My consistently sky high RF levels and ESR should have me fairly incapacitated but I keep going.  I know that the flares are fleeting.  I know that while today I may not feel like walking to the bathroom, tomorrow I may feel up to conquering the world.  The only thing holding me back is me.  It's not my body, it's my brain.  Even when my body is rebelling, if I don't let it get to me, if I don't verbalize my complaints- I can fight my way through.  I also know that when I let the complaints flow, the worse I feel.  It's as if acknowledging the pain and fatigue magnifies them.  It's not good and I need to put a stop to it RIGHT NOW.  So how to do that?

Well- this weekend I get to take time to relax. Before I go back to work on Monday I need to use the time to get out of my own head and back to a good place.  I got to spend yesterday with my middle sister Heather and her daughter Lauren which was a treat.  Tomorrow we get to go to see Lauren race for the first time since she began her MX career as a little, tiny, 4 year old.   Now she's all grown up and a professional racer and she's racing up by Indy for the first time so we get to see her in her element.  That will be a joy. We have followed her through photos, video and live stream for so long but live will be so special for us.  Today is all about giving myself a recuperation day.  Today I have absolutely nothing on my plate other than running a quick errand.  I already rode my exercise bike for a just over a mile this morning and enjoyed a pot of coffee.   I am going to go run my errand when I finish this and then come home and nap with the puppies.  Oh yes- the puppies.  Now that they are getting used to one another, they are pretty sweet most of the time.  And they are great napping companions.  After my nap I am going to curl up with some tea or Matcha and FINALLY read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.  I might even throw in a facial and a tub.  Tomorrow Jim has to be at a meeting early so I will fold laundry in the guest room and then pack up to go see Lauren race.  One of "my kids" from work is going to puppy sit so we don't have to worry about crating the little one while we are gone for the day and we don't have to worry about coming home to a mess.  Then tomorrow night I will get my lunches and snacks planned for the week and clothes laid out so I can head to the PT on Monday morning bright and shiny then back to work.  I am hoping that by getting back on schedule, by getting back to my routine I can get out of my head and back to "normal".  Hopefully, by the time the weekend is over I will be mentally out of complaint mode and back to being more productive.  That's the plan at least.

In closing- I leave you with puppies!  Auggie, of course, is on the left and Fenway, the new addition, is on the right.

This is what I come home to at night.  They bring me joy even during their growing pains and  my craziness.  

Enjoy your weekend my friends~ I plan to do the same.  

Brain....Scrambled.

I. Am. Exhausted.  The husband brought home a new puppy on Monday.  I would like to phrase it less harshly but to say that his timing just plain sucks is appropriate. It's my Rush period so naturally I am working my face off.  Very long hours, running around like a crazy person and by the end of the day I just want to curl up and go to sleep.  My body is currently coming out of one flare and heading back into another so that's taking its toll as well. The end is in sight for work-craziness but the puppy (named Fenway) is a whole different story.

She's a 9 week old boxer/lab mix and cute as can be.  She's a snuggler and a kisser so you really can't get mad at her but she's still a baby.  That means that on top of everything at work and some family stuff that's going on I am working on housebreaking and crate-training.  We are up to almost 2 hours of sleep at a time at night which is somewhat great but since hubby works 3rd shift it falls to me to get up every couple of hours and take her outside then get her back to sleep.  I know he was thinking that if we waited she would be gone but there are moments I want to string him up by his toes and keep him there except to do puppy duty.

It's my own fault in a way.  I opened the door for this and he blasted through. Since we lost Harley last November I haven't been up to thinking about another dog.  On the other hand, Auggie misses Harley and is much less animated since she passed and Jim has been saying all along that he needed a friend.    A few weeks ago we went to a pet store to get some stuff and they were hosting an adoption event.  When we were there I agreed to apply to adopt a 6 month old boxer puppy.  I said that if it was meant to be we would get her- but we didn't because someone else got an application in before us and I thought nothing more of it until he showed me a picture of this one on Sunday.  I agreed the she was cute and then went on to a different subject.  Monday while he was out running errands he detoured to the shelter and adopted her, bringing her to the store to meet/surprise me.  As soon as he put her in my arms- it was all over.  She snuggled into my neck and I was done for.

So that's the adventure in my life now.  Wish me luck on potty-training!  It's an arduous journey!

Happy Sunday Random Roundup Friends!

I don't know about where you live but it's HOT here in Kentuckiana.  We've had days upon days of 90's and humidity with no end in sight.  For the most part- I just love it.  The only disadvantages are that my extremities swell and my hair just doesn't behave due to the humidity.  On the other hand, the heat is marvelous for my joints.  I don't know for sure if it's the Actmra or the heat but my stiffness in the morning is down to about an hour before I am "normal".  In winter it can be up to 3 hours.

 Outside does make a difference, even though we keep it at a steady 72 inside year round.  When it's hot out I love to spend time out in the sun.  If you are my age, I am sure you remember spending time in the summer, laying out on a towel in the yard with baby oil slathered all over you and Sun-In in your hair.  We all wanted our hair light and our skin dark.  It makes me smile just to think about it.  Now I get as much sun as I can in May, June, July and August.  September I start letting the tan fade in preparation for haunt season.  After all- the darker I am, the more makeup I need to look "dead".

Speaking of haunt season, I am ready early this year.  My costumes have been cleaned, my basket full of makeup and accessories has been restocked and packed and I am already working on my intro for the season.  I have also been working with some of the other actors on things that worked and didn't from last season that we can share with new cast members this coming season.  Last season was drama-free for the most part and we had really good kids.  I hope beyond all hope that this season will be the same or better.  One weight is off my shoulders.  There was a review group that has come through every season and many of us actors were really concerned with how we would rank.  Well, over the off-season their "head guys" showed their colors after the Orlando tragedy by posting some horribly homophobic statements and then getting really nasty when called on it.  I don't tolerate that in my life and I don't respect anyone who can't respect others so, though I doubt they will be allowed in ANY of the haunts in our area this season, if they do make it in I really don't care what they think of our haunt or my performance.

On a happier note, we went out running yesterday and saw a puppy that was just adorable.  She's a boxer/bulldog mix. We have been thinking long and hard of getting Auggie a companion.  His personality has become very toned down since we lost Harley last November and it's been long enough that I am ready to bring another dog into our world.  Jim was all for it immediately but I needed time to mourn that sweet little girl first.  Of course I have my fears.  Can we really get lucky enough to get another dog as sweet as those two?  What happens if my health goes downhill?  Fortunately we have a decent sized yard for them to run in and Jim swears he can handle two of them so there's that.  OTOH- Mom and Dad don't think we need another dog.  I get it because Auggie travels with us and they have already made his reservation (just his, not any of the other Grand-dogs) for our next family reunion but we know that if we do get another dog we will either have to board both or hire someone to stay at the house with them because, like with Harley and Auggie, we wouldn't split them up.  And NEED is a strong word.  But I fully believe in rescuing dogs.  Given the time, ability and unlimited funds I would rescue as many as possible. I can see myself as the "Crazy Dog Lady" in another life.  Given my physical limitations *When* we win the lottery we will donate to as many rescues as we can.  The mission is so important.   Dogs really are better than people.  They love unconditionally and if you treat them well they are loyal to the end of the earth.  Their hearts are pure.  I truly believe that there are very few bad dogs- but many more bad owners.  I have to commend people who can foster- I couldn't because I would want to keep them all.  I know my limitations and letting them go, even to a great home, is one of mine.  It would break my heart and I just couldn't do it.

Now to bring things down a bit.  I am SO over all of the political posts and divisive social commentary on social media.  I will say over and over until I die that I don't care WHO you vote for as long as you get out there and vote.  That said,  these elections have become so contentious that it's making me physically ill.  If I could get a message to everyone who comments on every thread or news article or meme or posts on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, it would be this:  if  you cannot get your message across without calling names, you message is not that important.  As soon as I see rudeness or name calling, I shut down.  I don't care if you are talking to one another or talking about the candidate or about the parties or about ideologies, if you can't be respectful, if you can't make your point without being hateful, your point is moot.  I don't even discuss who I am voting for.  It's between me and the polls.  That said, I look at every issue.  I also look at how the campaign is run, who they surround themselves with and where they stand on healthcare, government oversight, military matters, and jobs leaving the country.  I worry about racial tension, I worry about the separation of church and state, and I worry about foreign relations.  The great thing about being a registered Independent is that there is no "straight party" voting and that I can choose who I think will be best for our country, our state, our city without feeling I need to stay within party lines.  I hope, hope, hope that when you look at the candidates, you can feel free to make your decision with as much openness in your heart and mind as well.  Additionally I have watched the different "Lives Matter" (Black, Blue, All) movements with a heavy heart.  I truly believe that they are doing nothing to advance their causes but just causing further divide.  I understand the concept and why people feel their need.  What I don't understand is why, in 2016, ANYONE is still looking at people as a skin color, a religion, a job, a sexual orientation or a gender identity.  We are more than each of those things.  We are people.  We have hearts and souls.

 What has made me truly sad is that I have found out a lot that is not pretty about people that I thought I knew.  I am thankful that, there's an UNFOLLOW button on Faceobook, but I am sad that I need to use it.  I have unfollowed a lot of people because though I care about them, I just don't want the ugliness cluttering my news feed.  I won't cut them out of my life because they do mean something to me and I believe that deep inside there is more to them than that, but I don't want to see that part of them.   Please know, if you are posting hateful or rude thing, you are still there, I just don't see you on my regular news feed any longer.

Part of trying to live from a place of gratitude is to cut the negativity out of your life.  For me, that means losing the toxicity of this political season.  It means ignoring the rhetoric of the movements and accepting people for their merits.  I have gotten very far off track in my search for gratitude and I think it's because the negativity from many directions is all consuming.   I think it's time for a self-imposed social media and news drought in my life.  It's time to take a break for the good of my own soul.  I will keep my messenger up to keep up with my family and I can be reached there or here but I need a break from the rest for a while.  I hope you have a beautiful Sunday, free of strife and negativity.  I am thankful that you are reading my musings and for all of your support.

I Am NOT My Illnesses

There's an ad out right now, I think for a Psoriasis drug, that says "See ME".  I see many people who allow themselves to be defined by one aspect of their lives be it illness or one thing (marriage, parenthood, work?) that they don't see beyond.  I cannot, WILL not, allow that to happen to me.

I am a wife.
I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I am a writer.
I am an employer.
I am an employee.
I am right-handed.
I am brown-eyed.
I am of undefined hair color.
I am a tom-boy.
I am a diva.
I am an actress.
I am a reader.
I am Spiritual.
I am loyal.
I am hardworking.
I am dependable.
I am adventurous.
I am open minded.
I am complicated.
I am an observer.
I am easily irritated by bad grammar, bad spelling, bad driving.
I am a political Independent.
I am a Moderate.
I am quick-tempered about the little things but get over it equally quickly.
I am slow to really hurt/anger but when you push me too far, you are out of my life forever.
I am a geek.
I am a Pop-Culture addict.
I am not happy with my weight.
I am happy with who I am.

I believe that people are who they show you they are rather than who they say they are.
I believe that animals are better "people" than people at times.
I believe that common sense and common decency have become not-so-common.
I believe that being respectful does not hurt.
I believe that being kind also does not hurt.
I believe that not my job to "convert" you, nor your job to "convert" me.
I believe that getting to know one another as people is the way to finding peace.
I believe that hate is an all-consuming a waste of energy.

I believe that the words "Politically Correct" should be stricken from the lexicon.  Respect for our differences is not a bad thing.

I believe that people say things behind a keyboard that they wouldn't dare say face-to-face, and that often shows true colors.

I believe that if you are living your life your way and not hurting anyone, you should just live your life without repercussions.  Best put:  "Do what you will, so long as you harm none."

I believe that if it's not yours, don't take it; if you didn't earn it, don't take it; if it doesn't belong to you, don't break it.  If you do, you are a criminal and should be punished.

I believe that guns are for hunting for food, not people.  If you kill it, you eat it.  If you hunt for sport or if you kill another person, you have earned swift punishment.

I believe that personal responsibility and accountability are of the utmost importance for ALL.

I believe that our country has, in my lifetime, lost its way and I fear that, in my lifetime, it won't find it again.

I believe that we citizens at heart are the way to heal, we just have to take action to make it happen.

I don't see skin color.
I don't see religion.
I don't see sexuality.
I don't see gender identity.
I don't see disabilities.

I do see how you treat people.
I do see how you speak to people.
I do see how you conduct yourself when you think no one is looking.


This is a lot about me- but did you notice that none of it is even remotely about the illnesses I live with?  I am NOT Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I am NOT Fibromyalgia, I am NOT DDD, I am not RLD.  They may shape what I can do from day to day but they are not my life.  There's so much more to me that has nothing to do with any of those illnesses.  Pain, exhaustion and the associated symptoms may slow me down but they are not who I am.  It's my hope that you too make a list and see yourself, warts and all, beyond what plagues you.

Time For Another Business Trip

   I am off to Cleveland again this morning.  Though I am dreading the 6 hour drive I am very much looking forward to spending time with "my girls".  We are very fortunate that we have some good people in our group and specifically, that the girls at IU East and IU Northwest and I (IU Southeast) really like one another and enjoy spending our limited time together.  I can't imagine how tough it would be if we didn't get along.  We all have to drive in a day early due to the length of the drive.   I will leave here in about an hour, get there around 3 (which is check-in time) and have time to take a nap before the girls get in around 6.   Two of us room together and  so I will know when they get in and we will meet up, go to dinner and catch up before we start the meeting in the morning with the rest of the region.  We will do meetings all day and evening tomorrow and all day Thursday and then make the long drive home.  I am grateful that I get to see the girls and we do this together since we are too far apart to spend regular time together.

By the time I get home my back (and possibly hips) will HATE me- but I will have the weekend to lay on the couch and recover.  My DDD and RA aren't crazy about turn-around trips but when I go to Tennessee I can rest in-between,  When we have our meetings it's essentially "Forced Family Fun" from 7am to 10 or 11pm every day.  We are in chairs all day, then spend dinner and the evening together.  This time it's a team-building exercise.   Fortunately, when  I make it home I will have a puppy waiting for me who will snuggle up and love on me as long as I need.  Unfortunately, I won't see the husband until Friday because he will be at work by the time I get home.  It's a trade off I will take because he is really liking working for Lowes.  I am grateful for King Pup.  He makes me look forward to coming home and makes my recovery a bit more palpable.
   
In terms of my work- my second Summer session started yesterday.  That means that in a week or so we will rope off that section and offer counter service only while we prepare for Fall.  This summer is FLYING by in terms of prep-time,  I need to look at my calendar and figure out when I will devote a weekend to walking, shifting and re-setting my shelves.  I have done very well (if I do say so myself) in letting go of much of my textbook duties and giving them to my Assistant, even though they are my wheel-house, my comfort zone, my "baby" so to speak.  As it's my first big season without having control- I have to do a walk-through and adjustment.  I can't just assume all is well because I am the one who will have to be the one who answers for any issues in the end.  Such is the fun of being "the boss."  I am grateful that I am free to rearrange my schedule so that I can do big tasks like this when we are closed and at my own pace.

Well, I must finish subtly packing.  Auggie loses it when he realizes I am leaving and so I have to pack bit-by bit.  The suitcase is closed, I am just finishing my backpack.  I just have to let my work iPad charge as much as I can before heading out.  Then, I will convince the dog he needs to go outside (Bunny chasing perhaps?) and take the luggage out the front door. At the moment he is snoozing at my feet under my desk, so this may be tough.

Have a lovely, lovely week!