A Pandemic Break or Broken by a Pandemic?

 

     Hi Long Lost Friends! I hope this finds you well and healthy.  

     In March of 2019, I decided to test out WordPress. I had heard over and over and over how much easier it was to use, how it had a ton of different applications etc.  I mean- it was okay.  Easy to use and yes, I could customize the background and look of every post but Blogger is just as easy to use.  I also was deep into my college classes and such and busy with work and family so even though I tested it out, it wasn't any more regular than I had been here.  

     Fast forward exactly a year and COVID-19 hit.  I don't know about you, but my revolving emotions throughout the pandemic have been; fear, anger, frustration, isolation, and anxiety, with a very small dose of thankfulness thrown in.  I don't know that I have ever, in 53 years on this planet, had another period of time that was so suffused with negative emotions.  Perhaps a day or even a week, but certainly not a year.  I have spent much of the last couple of months really thinking about this and here is what I have concluded about these emotions that have taken over me and why they were there: 

Fear- Fear has been dominant.  Fear of catching the virus, Fear of my family members catching the virus, Fear of losing one of them, Fear of losing our jobs, Fear, Fear, Fear. 

Anger- I have been SO angry at those people who refused to believe that the virus was a real, deadly thing, that they didn't need to wear a mask, that those of us who did were "sheep" to be shamed for living in fear.  I have been angry that the collective "we" were not ready to deal with this pandemic better than we were.  It's as if we were completely caught with our pants down around our ankles.  

Frustration- Like many, many businesses, mine was affected by the pandemic.  My customers are college students and one year ago this coming week, we just shut our doors along with the school.  That meant that all of my staff was gone in an instant.  For months I went to work, 5 days a week all by myself to wait for the UPS guy to deliver books, pick up online orders that I pulled and processed and deliver rented textbooks that my students sent back.  It was tomb-quiet, it was isolating and it was overwhelming.  And then- the axe dropped.  Due to the money that we were haemorrhaging being closed, my Assistant Manager's position was eliminated.  I vacillated between furious and frustrated for a very long time because I was anticipating her return.  We were a great team and losing her after she had been on unemployment for months waiting for us to bring her back from furlough pissed me right off.  It wasn't fair to her, it wasn't fair to me and it didn't look good for me to ever get caught up. Shortly after I was allowed to bring back my seasonals but there are a lot of things that only management can do.  After about 6 weeks, they allowed me to promote one of my seasonals to a PT supervisor.  It helps but quite honestly, I am scarred enough by this past year that I don't trust that she won't be eliminated either.  That mistrust is frustrating as well when you consider that in 10 days I will have given 18 years of my life to this company.   

Isolation- haven't we all felt isolated?  The whole quarantine thing is making everyone feel isolated.  Not being able to see my parents for months on end, not being able to see friends or other family members.  Not being able to get closer than 6', much less give hugs to those we did accidentally run into at the grocery.  Going to work and being completely alone with the exception of seeing the UPS guy once a day and our university police popping on occasion.  Both Jim and I were "essential" in that I had to be at work to get ready for the new term and he works in manufacturing.  SO while everyone else was at home- we slogged off to work every day.  That was kind of isolating itself.  People didn't understand why we were allowed to go to work when we weren't first responders.  

Anxiety- I took the pandemic to take extra classes and school full time for several semesters so that after the current term, I will have four classes left to go to graduate.  I have been anxious about completing my degree, anxious about my ability to successfully do my job at the current staffing levels because it calls on me to be much more physically involved.  Books have to hit the shelves no matter how many of us are working.  Anxious about both of us keeping our jobs in the pandemic.  Anxious about finding a new job when so many people are out of work.  Anxious about finances in general.  Anxious about my health, my parents health and Auggie's health.  

As for the tiny bit if gratitude?  Well, SO far we have kept our jobs, so far neither Jim nor I have caught COVID and I have had my first shot.  I am eternally grateful that when we almost lost my mom to COVID, she was able to rally back to us and that Dad didn't get it worse than he did.  I am grateful that my chronic pain conditions haven't flared more often than they have and that though my lung disease has flared (culminating in 8 bouts of bronchitis and/or pneumonia in 12 months) my new ENT has been terrific and proactive.  She actually listens, which feels like a miracle these days.  I am grateful that Auggie's vet has kept going until she finally determined that my poor little man has an autoimmune illness too.  Now Auggie is on long-term prednisone so that's fun.  I am just grateful that it didn't manifest until he was 12.  

So there we are.  I am ready for things to get to whatever normal will look like.  I am ready to be able to give good hugs.  I am ready to feel financially stable, I am ready to get back to writing.  I couldn't write in that state of mind. I just felt so out of control of my own life that I was paralyzed and going through the motions.  Though I am slowly coming out of the constant negativity- I almost feel that all of this has triggered and left me with a low-grade depression, which means I need to find my gratitude all the more.  

This Post Will be a Detour- Please Read

I know that my goal of this blog is to reach a place of Gratitude in all that I do but today I am taking a detour.  Normally I start my day with a quote that applies to what I am thinking, what I am feeling or that applies to someone I am thinking about.  Today I posted much of this as my status on Facebook this morning but even though I needed to get it off my chest- I doubt it will be read because it's so long. So bear with me friends-here we go:

No quote this morning, just something to think about.  We as a society put people up on pedestals- athletes, actors/actresses, musicians, those that are famous just for being famous, anyone we admire.  But why?  Yes, the athletes are superior at their sport.  The actor/actress is capable of taking on a new persona and entertaining us for a few hours.  The musician can create music that takes you to a new place. The famous for being famous lives a lifestyle that you may aspire to.  No matter how talented they are, they are just people, just like us. 

On the other hand, we as a society are so quick to tear people down.  Those same “famous” people do something that we don’t like and suddenly they are worthy of our scorn and we make no bones about it.  We trash them to our friends, we attack them on social media, and we say things we would never have the nerve to say to them face-to-face.  We forget that they are just people, just like us.

Then we let it start to bleed over into other areas of our lives.  We can’t just disagree with others like reasonable human beings.  We have to immediately go on the attack- “Idiot” “Ass hole”, “Ignorant _________(fill in the party affiliation/religion/ethnic background)” "You Suck" and far worse.  Why? Why are we incapable of making an argument based on the content and not attacking people personally? Why are we okay with jumping into a conversation and attacking someone we have never met?   What happened to behaving with dignity?  What happened to giving the respect that we expect to be given?  What happened to being open to listening to “the other side” the way we expect to be heard?  How did we get to a place where this is accepted and perpetuated Every. Single. Day? 

That negativity is infectious and there’s only one way I can see to combat it.  #Kindness.  Kindness to ourselves.  Kindness to our friends/family/acquaintances.  Kindness to strangers. We don't have to agree with someone, or even like them, to show kindness and treat people with dignity.   We are all just people.  We have brains, we have feelings and we have value.  #StopAndThink #TheresAPersonBehindTheScreen #BeKind   

Arthritis Today and Life Lessons

     I am incredibly honored that Arthritis Today magazine chose me to be one of their Voices for the Arthritis Awareness Month issue.  The question they asked was: 

What Has Having Arthritis Taught You? 

   You can see my reply in the link above.  They gave us parameters but I could have gone on for days.   I never imagined that, on the fateful day that my LPN looked at me and said "We are going to run some tests but I am pretty sure that you have Rheumatoid Arthritis" that my life would change so significantly just as related to that statement.  It was like diving off of a cliff and hoping that I don't hit the reef.  Before my diagnosis I had never been cognizant of RA, even though I later found out that my Great Aunt lived a very long life with RA.  So, beyond my official reply, here are a few of the things I have learned.  

•  Body parts can permanently distort all on their own.  When I was diagnosed, I felt relatively "normal".  Now, I look down at my hands and my index fingers are rotating in toward my middle finger and my pinkies don't straighten and if I straighten my hands, the pinkies don't come in with the rest of the fingers any longer.  My feet are the opposite- my little toes and the next one are beginning to rotate out and the next is also bending inward.  I don't like the word "deform" but that's what's beginning to happen.  The positive part of the lesson is- it doesn't hurt, it just "is".  
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• One illness can become two-three-four or more.  It's been a very, very hard lesson to learn as I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, then Degenerative Disc Disease and then Rheumatoid Lung Disease.  I have been very open with the fact that beginning with DDD I started asking "What could possibly be next?" Each one has taken longer and  been harder to deal with, both mentally and emotionally.  The positive part of the lesson is- I did manage to wrap my head around them and continue to be productive even when I felt like just crawling in my bed for a while.   
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• Health insurance is a bear to navigate.  Prior to 2005 I only used my medical insurance for routine things like annual physicals and OBGYN visits or the occasional illness or accident.  After RA- well, insurance has been and continues to be a learning experience. Am I the only one who remembers when you went to the doctor or the hospital and received one bill?  Now the bills are endless as they come from the facility, the doctor, the lab etc.  At some point, I may just figure out the rhyme or reason, but by then it will probably change.  The positive part of the lesson is- I am still currently able to work to afford my health insurance and the co-pays and balances.  
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• There are all sorts of treatments we can try before we get to something drastic.  This is a HUGE positive. Though I have been resistant (okay, let's be honest-I've been downright pissy) about having to go the Pain Management  route, next week the doctor is going to either do Radiofrequency Ablation on my lower back or, if it's not viable, give me a big fat epidural.  One of these two should give me some relief from the relentless pain.  I would LOVE to have the whole summer without back pain.  That would let me work with Fen on leash training (she HATES walking on a leash) and take Auggie for walks as well.  I haven't been able to do that in a long time.  At the moment, around the cul de sac is about as far as we can go.  Epidural would last, possibly a few months.  RFA can last 6 months to a year.  How hopeful is THAT! Should I be one of those anomolies that the treatements for whom the treatments don't work, I think it will be time to start looking into holistic remedies.  I know that acupuncture works for a week or so.  Maybe I will check and see how much a package of treatments cost.  There's a float center being built as I type.  Josh says that floating is better than massage for relaxing the muscles and joints and I still have to gift certificates from Jim for Christmas to use.  Perhaps that's the way to go next?    

 That's just a few of the things I have learned but the biggest lesson of all is gratitude.  When I was diagnosed there was no way that I would have seen the positives in these lessons so easily.  Now, I actively look for it so that I can be grateful.  It helps me navigates the stresses, it keeps me from spiraling into depression and helps me get out of my head when I am feeling overwhelmed and it allows me to see how very blessed I am despite my difficulties.  I am the first to admit that I am still learning gratitude every day but I am working the journey as best I can and I can see what a difference it's made for me.  

Now I pose the question to  you- what have your difficulties- be it RA or another challenge- what have they taught you?  

I Am NOT My Illnesses

There's an ad out right now, I think for a Psoriasis drug, that says "See ME".  I see many people who allow themselves to be defined by one aspect of their lives be it illness or one thing (marriage, parenthood, work?) that they don't see beyond.  I cannot, WILL not, allow that to happen to me.

I am a wife.
I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I am a writer.
I am an employer.
I am an employee.
I am right-handed.
I am brown-eyed.
I am of undefined hair color.
I am a tom-boy.
I am a diva.
I am an actress.
I am a reader.
I am Spiritual.
I am loyal.
I am hardworking.
I am dependable.
I am adventurous.
I am open minded.
I am complicated.
I am an observer.
I am easily irritated by bad grammar, bad spelling, bad driving.
I am a political Independent.
I am a Moderate.
I am quick-tempered about the little things but get over it equally quickly.
I am slow to really hurt/anger but when you push me too far, you are out of my life forever.
I am a geek.
I am a Pop-Culture addict.
I am not happy with my weight.
I am happy with who I am.

I believe that people are who they show you they are rather than who they say they are.
I believe that animals are better "people" than people at times.
I believe that common sense and common decency have become not-so-common.
I believe that being respectful does not hurt.
I believe that being kind also does not hurt.
I believe that not my job to "convert" you, nor your job to "convert" me.
I believe that getting to know one another as people is the way to finding peace.
I believe that hate is an all-consuming a waste of energy.

I believe that the words "Politically Correct" should be stricken from the lexicon.  Respect for our differences is not a bad thing.

I believe that people say things behind a keyboard that they wouldn't dare say face-to-face, and that often shows true colors.

I believe that if you are living your life your way and not hurting anyone, you should just live your life without repercussions.  Best put:  "Do what you will, so long as you harm none."

I believe that if it's not yours, don't take it; if you didn't earn it, don't take it; if it doesn't belong to you, don't break it.  If you do, you are a criminal and should be punished.

I believe that guns are for hunting for food, not people.  If you kill it, you eat it.  If you hunt for sport or if you kill another person, you have earned swift punishment.

I believe that personal responsibility and accountability are of the utmost importance for ALL.

I believe that our country has, in my lifetime, lost its way and I fear that, in my lifetime, it won't find it again.

I believe that we citizens at heart are the way to heal, we just have to take action to make it happen.

I don't see skin color.
I don't see religion.
I don't see sexuality.
I don't see gender identity.
I don't see disabilities.

I do see how you treat people.
I do see how you speak to people.
I do see how you conduct yourself when you think no one is looking.


This is a lot about me- but did you notice that none of it is even remotely about the illnesses I live with?  I am NOT Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I am NOT Fibromyalgia, I am NOT DDD, I am not RLD.  They may shape what I can do from day to day but they are not my life.  There's so much more to me that has nothing to do with any of those illnesses.  Pain, exhaustion and the associated symptoms may slow me down but they are not who I am.  It's my hope that you too make a list and see yourself, warts and all, beyond what plagues you.

Finding Motivation

One of the issues I have been having is weight gain.  I come home at night SO tired that moving is the last thing that I want to do and in the morning it takes hours for the stiffness to subside enough to even go to work.  It weighs on me (see what I did there?) both physically and mentally.  I have struggled with my weight and  my perception of my weight for as long as I can remember.

This is me circa 1983.

This is the first time I remember struggling with my weight.  I had curves.  My beautiful friends- not so much.  If I was an hourglass, they were lolly-pops.  I had a belly, they did not.  I had pronounced hips, they did not.   I remember thinking "Wow, I am SO fat" more than once.  Okay, more like every day.   It's when I started dieting for the first time.

  Looking at this next picture, I think Josh was about 10 so this is me around 1997. While I was STILL dieting off and on, I was fairly satisfied with where I was in my journey.

This next picture is when either my youngest sister graduated from college or my Dad retired.  It is my favorite picture of me. I am truly smiling in this picture.  I am thrilled to be with my family and I look confident because I felt good about myself.  I actually liked the way I looked for a change.

Finally, this is me now.       Now, full-length mirrors are my nemesis.  I am at the highest weight I have ever been.  I know where my downfalls are.  I eat well- most of the day- then evening hits and I graze out of boredom.  Where I used to work two jobs on my feet and run all day long, I am mostly desk-bound these days because of my health.  I used to walk the dogs every night.  Now I come home exhausted  and with swollen feet and Auggie gets let out into the fenced yard to do his running.  So my movement has gone from overdrive to slowing to a crawl.  I am peri-menopausal so my metabolism is slowing down.  I KNOW all of this.

I know that it's contributing to my pain and it must go but what I also know is that when I think about having to shed up to 100 lbs, it's overwhelming and feels like an impossible dream.

A few weeks ago I was pointed in the direction of a video that I will share here.  Warning- there is some "language" in here that, while I am not offended, may offend some if you don't like swear words.




This is Mike Vacanti.  Mike is a personal trainer.  First glance judgement was "Oh please.  This kid is 25-30 (I nailed it- he was 28 in this video) without an ounce of fat.  He won't get what I am going through".  I was wrong.  I am sorry Mike!  The video targets us in the older generation.  Though he's a trainer and when he trains he goes full bore- he says that it's okay to start small.  The important thing is that you start and stick with it.  That was a light-bulb moment for me.  It's OKAY to start small.  It does make a difference!  Wait- what?  Using something I have around the house instead of going to the gym counts? Doing 10 reps instead of multiple sets counts?  Walking around my cul-de-sac and then collapsing makes a difference?  A trainer not telling me to get on my stationary bike till I am ready to fall over?  Revolutionary.

Mike trains clients online.  While I am not at a place now where I can hire him,  if I could I would in a heartbeat because I think he would understand my physical challenges and work with them.  Mike's website is full of articles and videos.  He's a huge proponent of counting macro-nutrients.  I have downloaded his app and am learning about what they are and how to count them.  I love that he's so blunt.  I love that he's realistic.  I love that he's not focused on the usual gym-rats, instead he spreads his message to everyone.  It lit a spark in me that will hopefully turn into a flame.  If you are interested in more of his message, you can find him here and on Facebook and Snapchat.  

 I am heading dead-heading into 50.  I will be 49 in a few weeks.  My goal is to get moving and shed ( don't say "lose" because that implies you can find it again!) at least half of my excess weight before my 50th birthday.  That's only roughly a pound a week.  If I start small-but am consistent, that should be manageable.  Maybe, just maybe,  I can get back to the girl in the 3rd picture- just with more wrinkles.

Grumbling, Grumbling

It's almost 9am and I have already done enough grumbling this morning for a week.  First I was grumbling because Auggie woke me up FAR too early (considering that we were up late watching the tube last night) and then wanted in and out, in and out.  Some would say just leave him out- but I don't want him barking and waking the neighbors at 4-5-6-7 am on a Sunday. And he knows it- so as soon as he gets ready to come in he gives a single bark.

Then it was sorting my pills for the week.  It's not a huge deal- it's just tedious and my pill week starts on Sunday so before I can take them I have to sort them- plus it's shot week (I am on Actmera every other week) so that means paying that bill and I am almost out of Prilosec and have to pick that up along with another RX today.  I don't know about you, but I am rather over buying meds and having so many that they have to be sorted and life revolving around taking them.  RA. Fibro, DDD, RLD- somehow I think that with that laundry list, the med regimen won't be lessened very soon.

Then it was paying the bills.  You know, I know- they are a fact of life.  Today was the mortgage, car insurance, cable, cell bill, electric, gas, water, trash/sewer, etc.  It's almost soul crushing.  You work hard all month long and with one 20 minute session at the PC and with the checkbook- it's gone.

Lack of sleep, tedious and dreaded tasks to start the morning and it all culminated in:

Grumble-Grumble-Grumble-Grumble-Grumble-Grumble-Grumble-Grumble-Grumble-Grumble

Then- I got over myself.  I literally stopped dead in the kitchen from pulling my shot out of the fridge and said out loud "Oh ENOUGH already!"  I just don't want to let this go on and grow and ruin my Sunday.

So I came back into my office and made a plan.  I am going to finish my pot of coffee.  I am going to make my meal plan for the week.  I am going to take my shower.  I am going to go to the gym and hit the treadmill.  I am going to go get my manicure done and then go to the grocery.  Then I am going to come home, get my clothes ready for the week, fold some laundry  and start gathering the stuff that I need to pack for my trip to my annual meeting a week from Tuesday.  Then practice walking in my heels again before I get back in my jammies and snuggle in for my evening of Fairy Tales (Once Upon A Time) and Zombies (The Walking Dead/Talking Dead) and try to relax before another busy week.

I have to take this opportunity of today to take the things I was grouchy about this morning and turn them to gratitude.

  I am SO thankful that I have that silly dog.  He gives me so much joy and makes me laugh so often and knows when I am not doing well and will stay by my side endlessly until I feel better that I have to "excuse" the pain-in-the-butt moments.  I also have to be thankful that I am able to get up and down and up and down to let him in an out when he's wanting to run.

I have to remind myself that I am truly grateful that we have the medications that keep me able to be productive.  As much as I hate taking my pills and shots and stuff- I know, because I wait in pain for them to kick in every single morning, that without them my quality of life would be incredibly diminished.  I have to, have to, have to take them and be thankful that not only do I have them, but I can afford them.  Without them, I would not be able to work.  Without them, there would be more days than there are that I am not able to leave my bed, much less my house.  Without them, there would be no way that I would be heading to the gym in a bit to walk on the treadmill.

Finally I have to be grateful that I CAN work and pay those bills.  As often as I say "I just want to win the lottery and retire", until that happens, those bills that I was grumbling about paying this morning will come every month.  It's just a part of life.  I am grateful to have that mortgage, and that my parents helped to make that happen. I am grateful for the cars when for so many years we didn't have one and that we can afford the insurance that goes along with it.  I am grateful for the lights, the heat, the cable that keeps me entertained and more importantly connected to my family and friends across the country.  For the cell phones that are attached to our hands 24/7 and all of the other things I was paying the bills out for this morning as well as the silly things we don't NEED but spend our money on each week.

So that's that.  Change the perspective, change the direction of the day- and tomorrow wake up on the RIGHT side of the day.  :-)  

Back to Work and Back to Spring Rush

    I don't know about you but it seems most of us have a rough time getting back to the daily grind after a vacation or time off.  The last two weeks have been lovely-ish.  We had "short" days at work, 8 hour days instead of 10.5 but only four hours a day open to the public- the rest behind the scenes.  We had a two day work week for Christmas week and four-ish (I worked Saturday) for the New Year.  Today we go back- and straight into extended hours.  From now until MLK day- it's time to fire on all cylinders.  The two hard parts about Spring Rush for me is that we go from end of semester (which is crazy busy) to the holidays to Rush again in a matter of three weeks and it's hard to go from up to down to up again so quickly.  The old body just doesn't do that as easily any longer.  It must be done though because this job provides the health insurance that covers all of the medical crap so- I will persevere.  One thing I have learned is that the key to perseverance is preparation.  

    How have I prepared?  I have bought a brace for my back since I will be on my feet all day every day.  I have made sure my RX's are all filled.  I have prepped easy to eat on the go foods (first part of this week: rice crackers and summer sausage, baby carrots and popcorn for lunch and snacks, yogurt with granola for breakfasts) and I have soup that I pulled from the freezer for when I get home late tonight and tomorrow night.  I have stocked my purse with Thermacare in case I need it, I have backups on on my Naproxyn and Flexeril "packed" and my clothes are planned out for the week.  The other half will fend for himself till the weekend and will help me take care of the dogs. The DVR is set for all the returning shows this week and next. I already have my grocery list going for after work on Saturday and have started planning what I will make on Sunday for meals for the next week. While I am at work on Sunday, I can count on Jim to wash and dry the laundry so I don't have to worry about that and I can fold on Sunday before bed since it's a mindless task that I enjoy.  I think I am as ready as I can be, all things considered.

    All of this will allow me to go to work, do the best I can, come home, snuggle pups and go to bed so I can get up and do it all again tomorrow.  Next week after we make it through the first two days of school I will start planning my recovery period over MKL weekend.  That will keep the light bright at the end of the tunnel.

Josh Shipp says "Perseverance is stubbornness with a purpose" and that is exactly how I am looking at this rush.  

Looking Back at 2014, Looking Forward to 2015

     Looking back:


     I don't know about you, but for me 2014 was interesting in a lot of ways.  Of course, there were the usual medical issues and more. On the physical side on the positive- I did manage to remain cigarette-free for all of 2014.  In two weeks I will hit the 13 month mark! There were great things that happened on the personal front as well as difficult. Good things at work and difficult.  Pretty much a normal year for most people.  I have had years like this before- who hasn't?  Somehow though it didn't feel normal, I just felt like something in me was off.

      I also found that I just didn't have the energy or patience to write.  Looking at my blog dashboard, I only wrote 14 posts between one year ago and today.  That's not a lot for someone who is a known motormouth!  I would open a new page, stare at it for a while, become frustrated and delete the auto-draft.  I did that a lot on my other projects as well.  I didn't have the stamina to push through.  I just didn't have much to say.  Well, I did. but it was often snarky because I found myself irritated a LOT.  I wondered occasionally if it was a mild depression because I didn't rebound as quickly from the news of the latest diagnosis as I normally do.  It's more than that though, it's more than what's going on in my life.  I would find myself reading or watching the news and going back and forth between just shaking my head, wondering what the heck is going on in this world or giving thanks that I wasn't raising a child in it.

     This year I watched the events of the year unfold around me, around this country and around the world and I just could not push through all of the overwhelming negative to find the positive in it.  We; people-friends-families- neighbors-towns- the whole country; are more divided than I can remember in my life- and I was born in the 60's!  We are divided racially (Still? Again?), politically, religiously, and in terms of values and we are more...open about it than ever before.  I found myself shocked at the things that come out of the mouths (and keyboards) of both strangers and people that I thought I knew.  It gave me a huge sense of disappointment in them for what was being said, how it was being said and the actions being taken.  It gave me a sense of disappointment in myself for not recognizing those traits before things came to a head.  I deleted/"unfriended"/walked away from a surprising number of people in my online life and intentionally allowed relationships to lapse in my real life.  The negativity was just too much.

     Now I know that there are people out there every single day who are doing good things.  People who are trying to make the world a better place.  It's just become hard to find them when their stories are drowned out by discord, by rudeness, by disrespect, by hate.  Just writing this and reflecting upon it has made me feel so tired and so helpless that I had to stop, close it and come back to it later.  Needless to say, I was rather looking forward to the end of the year and a new beginning.

Looking Forward:    

    It's a new year.  I didn't make a list of resolutions this year as I often have in the past.  Like so many, my resolutions tend to be out the window by February.  Last year's certainly did.  :-)   This year, instead, I am making it just one goal to "shake it off".  Last year was a big step backward for me in many ways and rather than allow myself to be mired in the things I cannot change I need to learn to let it go and move on to things I do have the ability to influence.  When my husband and I were separated I repeated the Serenity Prayer a lot.  To the point that it was almost by rote.  When that changed, I kind of let that drop off and that may not have been the best idea.  It's a simple thing but it allowed me to step back and remind myself that I can't take on or take in everything because I tend to take things to heart.

    In an effort to turn things back around  I have decided to utilize two "mantras" for 2015.  First, as I mentioned, is the Serenity Prayer:

The second is this:  

    Keeping these in mind should allow me to let go of what has been weighing me down and to re-focus my attention on all of the myriad of blessings that fill my life and on the wonderful things that people are doing for the world around them.  They are many, they are important, and they deserve my attention far more than any of the rest of the nonsense that's been going on.

     The first step is to make it through this Back-to-School rush (classes begin a week from Monday) and then get back into a routine.  Rush ends around the 18th so the light is at the end of the tunnel.  Then it will be time to make this the best year yet.  Bring it on 2015~ I am ready for you!  



      

Taking on a little TOO much.

The other morning, while I was getting ready for work, my Auggie went a little bat-shit crazy to get out the door.  I mean pawing at my slider (which he never does- he leaves that for Harley)and barking up a storm.  I popped back into the room and let him out on his runner.  I wasn't half way back to the bathroom to finish my makeup when he started going a little nuts outside.  That brought Harley running and she wanted out too.  I let her out to join him and again the barking started so I went out to see what in the world was up.  Now- we have had an opossum hanging around the house for a while and I figured they were going nuts about it again.  S/he "hides" under the neighbor's lawn chair in plain site but just out of reach and it makes my pups crazy.  Little did I know.

I walked outside and what do I see?  Five beautiful, majestic does wandering through the back yard.  These were not baby deer, these were fully grown, almost as tall as me, deer.  My little 22lb dog was barking furiously at small herd of deer that had to have weighed 200lbs each.  He was very lucky.  The "lead" doe just looked at him with some amusement and led her group down through our 20 yard "wooded" area that separates us from the neighbors behind us, into their yard and on their way.  They weren't remotely frightened of my brave little guy who was defending his territory (or his sister who was half-heartedly joining in his noise or of me for that matter), in fact they sauntered along as if there was not a care in their world.  For this I am thankful because he really could have been hurt.  As they walked out of sight, the three of us came back inside- Auggie and Harley for a treat and me to finish my makeup.

While I was applying my eyeliner and mascara I was ruminating on how brave my little fur-babies were when it comes to keeping critters out of their territory.  They routinely chase off rabbits and squirrels and that stinking possum but this incident gave me pause.  It made me wonder how often we let our courage take it a little too far.  I know that when I am looking at pallets of books that need to be opened, received and shelved I have a tendancy to face that mountain and tell myself that failure is not an option and dive right in without thought of the consequences.  This time of year, when our kids are selling back their books and returning their rentals and they all seem to get there at once; I will stand at window working with those books  for hours at a time until my hands start to swell and cramp, my elbow starts to holler at me and I over work my wrist so much that I lose the strength and it hurts to try to open a bottle of water.  I don't look at that line and think "it's too much, I can't do this all day".  I look at it and think "I can bang out this line, no problem".  It tends to get me into trouble physically and that in turn makes me a little bummed about the changes in my body and also makes me feel far older than I am.  I also think that this is what makes me a Tigger.

I believe I have mentioned this before, perhaps when discussing my tattoos but I love reading "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff.  It is an easy to read and easy to process introduction to Taoism.  In reading this, the part about Tigger really spoke to me.  The book says:

"A fish can't whistle and neither can I." There's nothing wrong with not being able to whistle, especially if you're a fish. But there can be lots of things wrong with blindly trying to do what you aren't designed for. Unfortunately, some people aren't so wise, and end up causing big trouble for themselves and others. The wise know their limitations; the foolish do not. To demonstrate what we mean, we can think of no one better than Tigger, who doesn't know his limitations ('Tiggers' can do everything'), which brings him in lots of trouble.


If don't know if there is a better description of me anywhere.  I know better but tend to blindly jump in and try to do it all and then kick myself later when my body rebels.  When I am going at some big, demanding project with no thought of how I will pay later it is just like my little guy trying to scare off those big and beautiful deer that were 10 times his size.  It's foolish and can have dire consequences.  More importantly, I know better and yet it still doesn't stop me from trying.  As I sit here this morning with my fingers taking longer than usual to "unkink", my shoulder throbbing,  my wrists aching and knowing I still have a lot of work to do both at my job and in preparation for Christmas which is coming at us at light speed, I can tell that I need to slow down a bit if I am to get it all done.  I just don't know if I can slow down at this time of year.  My stress level is already bumping at the ceiling and I have a feeling that if I try to back off a even a little bit the stress may bust through the roof and send me into a tail-spin. I think that after the holidays (ending with MLK Day in mid-January) I will have to step back and evaluate how I could have done things differently and still reach the goal of getting it all done on time.  At the moment I am just too far into the eye of the hurricane to be able to be objective and so I will have to finish along this path and hope that I don't send myself into a major flare by the New Year.  There are only 11 days till Christmas and 5 weeks until we are through our "rush".  The countdown has begun.

Finding the strength to make it through.

If you don't already know- I am an assistant manager for a college bookstore. My specialty is textbooks. That means that this is the time of year when all my work for the last few months comes to fruition. We will have our busiest two days of the year today and Monday with yesterday and the rest of the next week right behind them.

It also means that I am coming off 11 hour days all week and facing 12-14 hour days the coming week. I have had an issue this week with letting the fact that other people are frantic affect my own stress level and attitude. Yesterday- someone ( @Andrew_Johnson ) posted the following tweet on Twitter: "STOP: With every thought, positive or negative, you are creating your reality. You are creating in every moment. Change your thoughts." It was just what I needed at that moment. I was sitting in my car, taking a quick break when that came through. I read it and POW. I was instantly reminded that though I have worked so hard to get to this point, it really is not a crisis. If we run out of books, it's not a crisis. If we have to reorder- not a crisis. I have to stop and remember that nothing that happens in the next two weeks is a life threatening emergency. No one is going to die if they have to wait. Realizing that- it was as if the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders and I came back in with a renewed energy and a renewed sense of calm and peace.

I am so thankful for the timing on that message. It gave me perspective and allowed me to change my thinking. My to do list suddenly didn't seem so overwhelming. The fact that we are swamped- was not a *thing* any longer. I was reminded that I can only do one thing at one time and that is OKAY. I needed that and will try to keep it in my mind as I go through the coming weeks.