Sleep has become pretty elusive lately- again. To the point that I went to bed last Saturday, slept two hours, was up three hours, slept two hours, was up three hours- etc until Sunday afternoon. Sunday night I slept 3 whole hours, tonight 2. Every time I think "Okay, I can sleep now" I go up to bed and am right awake again. I just can't click my brain off. My rheumy offered to up my Neurontin again to see if I can get some rest, but I just don't want to take even one more pill. The mere thought (and the exhaustion) makes me want to cry. When will we find the med that not only stops the progression of the disease (I am not even asking for a cure) and let me stop having to take a bunch of pills at night to let me try to sleep.
On top of the lack of sleep, I have to drive to Indianapolis in a few hours. From leaving my house to finding the hotel, being directionally challenged even with my GPS it's about 2 -2.5 hours up the road. My hip has been a major factor in my lack of sleep so unless I can get it to "pop" before I climb in the car- I will need to take and use my cane. I hate dragging that thing around especially when I know that once my hip cooperates, I won't need it any longer.
Once I get there, today will be prepping for a presentation and then some social stuff, tomorrow or Wednesday I will have to present- which is a big fear of mine. This will be presentation #3 for me to my region of about 25- 30 people total and I have to facilitate a conversation. Fortunately my partner on my presentation is someone I trust and admire so that will help (A LOT) with getting through this without the nerves showing too badly. I volunteered for this-yes, volunteered- because I really feel that I need to get past the whole "speaking in public" thing. My dad wants me to do about a 15 minute talk at church (he even offered to double team it with me if I would do it) about my book and the concept of Chronic Living. The problem is that despite being comfortable with most of these folks, I just quake and speak REALLY FAST. Last time I acted as a liturgist my Mom spent half the time I was speaking motioning me to slow down- which makes me giggle. NOT good when I am standing up in the pulpit. The last time I had to address a committee at work, I had to constantly remind myself to breathe before I spoke. I spoke with a professor the other day to tell him that, early in the spring, I saw his class outside enjoying the weather and he was so dynamic while he was speaking that I wanted to go join the class and it's not even a subject with which I am overly familiar. Even thinking about speaking to these people that I know right now I am getting butterflies in my stomach; I just have to admire anyone who can speak in front of an audience with such a commanding presence that people really enjoy and even look forward to listening to them.
While I am thinking about the talk my Dad wants me to give, beside the fact that the more re-read it (which I have resolved to stop doing) the more I find that I might change. On the flip side, in the second book I am working on for this series; I am stuck. I bring up my word file and just stare at it. I have changed the format, I have changed the direction, and I am still not satisfied with the way it has come together so far. I think it's time to scrap the whole thing and start over in long-hand. What has worked before is to carry around a notebook and jot things down as they pop through my head and then write out what I am trying to share. I don't understand why, when I am SUCH a tech geek, that it takes this totally non-technical approach when I get stuck on a particular project. Perhaps it's an age thing. I don't know but it's not something that particularly bothers me so I don't feel a need to change it, it just perplexes me. Oh well- that just means I need to pack a notebook in my bag and a little one in my purse.
So today I am off to a meeting that goes through Thursday evening, Friday I will be able to relax and get ready to hop back in the car and head west to Mom and Dad's with the puppy dogs for the long weekend. I am dashing over to the Apple store before I head over so I can pick up the Ipad (see- geek!) and then pick up my "kids" and get to see the parentals. It's my favorite way to spend a long weekend.
I hope you all have a lovely week and a glorious Fourth of July. I may pop back in from my iphone if I can figure it out but no guarantees so have a good time and be safe!