I don't know anyone who doesn't take life for granted at least once in a while. We get caught up in the day to day and let things just pass us by. Just yesterday in the middle of doing some paperwork I said (outloud of course) "Holy Cow it's already the 5th of January!" I go and go and go and suddenly realize how much time has passed. It's startling at times.
There are quite a few things that contribute to this phenomenon. One is a job that gets bigger every day. I was there over the New Year's weekend and had a bit of an ephiphany. I took the dogs with me because weekends is my time with them and they had a ball running around the store. But as I was working on a project I realized that I could be there all weekend- literally all weekend- and never be completely caught up. At first I was a little crushed because I thought I was on top of my game, then I realized that it wasn't just me- the job has become more and more encompassing with the changing landscape of my little slice of the retail world. I just need to find a way to navigate the changes gracefully- and I also realized (here is the epiphany part) that no matter how many weekends I spend there- it won't make my life more full. In fact- it will insulate me and perhaps I would miss out on some terrific experiences. I am still coming to terms with this and how I will apply it- but the weight that was on my shoulders definitely lessened.
Another thing is my illness. Feeling the pain, managing the pain, thinking about the medications, thinking about the insurance coverage, worrying about co-pays, thinking about the options- it's never ending. While I am not angry about my illness, while I am not dwelling on the "why me", while I am not wallowing; it's always in the back of my mind and it's not something I can get away from. It makes it difficult to really just stop and breathe.
It shouldn't take an emergency or a catastrophy to make us realize that life has slipped out of our grasp. Yesterday I was talking to a dear friend who had been interviewed by his local paper around Christmas. The story (which you can check out here) was about his gratitude to be alive following severe heart issues. He said in the article that every morning he gets up, puts his feet on the floor and says "Thank you, God". It was a bit of a wake up for me. I don't want to be dying or nearly die before I get to that point in my life.
I want to be at a place where I get up every morning and simply say "Thank you" for another day.
Though I often, while walking the pups at the end of the day stop and look up at the stars and the night sky, I want to truly appreciate their beauty without having to stop and think about it.
I want to get to the point that the gratitude is as much a part of me as breathing instead of having to work at it.
So there we have a set of "resolutions" of sorts. I need to step back and stop pushing myself so hard. I need to be more aware of the moment and stop focusing on what's coming. I need to allow myself a small amount of time each day to consider my RA/Fibro and the accompanying worries; then set it aside and move on to blessings to get me out of that head space. I need to make it a point to, before I get out of bed in the morning, before I even set a foot on the floor, give thanks for another day and another opportunity.
If I can do all of this- 2011 will be an incredibly productive and happy year.