Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Spinning out of control.

I wonder if this happens to anyone else.  When I start to flare in even a minor way, it affects every other part of my life.  I don't mean depression or inability to do things.  I start beating myself up.

For example.  I have been doing very well.  SO well, in fact, that I had eased off my pain meds and was only taking my Orencia.  I was so happy- I am sure some of you have an idea just how happy.  Then it started.  My lower right side of my back is hurting.  Hurting a lot.  Hurting; back on the pain meds, can't get comfortable to sleep, hurts to sit-stand-lay;hurting.  This leads me to the "I hate this, I hate my body" thinking.  That leads to "I hate my body; if I wasn't so fat, maybe this wouldn't happen."  "I hate my body; I am getting old and ugly."  "I hate my body; If I could just follow through on exercise- I could lose the weight and blah, blah, blah"  I am sure you see where I am going here.

This morning, I sent a message to my baby sister in our private weight loss group on Facebook. I started thinking about my sisters.  One had a gastric bypass and looks terrific.  She was (in my mother's words) so focused and so determined and did everything the doctor said to the letter.  She did it exactly the right way.  The other sister went through marriage difficulties and ended up separating from her husband.  When she moved out, she found free time on her hands as they share custody and she started using her time to go to the gym.  She looks like she did in high school.  I cannot express how proud I am of them.  In my current state of mind that started me spinning.

It started with " I am so proud of them- they are taking great care of themselves and doing this for themselves and it shows."  That wound around to "Why can't I do that? I always make an excuse.  There's no reason.  I don't have kids at home.  It's only a half hour to an hour of my time each day.  Who cares if I am too tired?  Who cares if I am hurting?  If I really wanted this I would push through the "tired" and the pain and get off my ass. God I am stupid and lazy!"

I know what I need to do.  I have to get off this merry-go-round.  I have to celebrate when I DO do something right (like eating right, which I try to do all of the time) and when I DO exercise (like yesterday when I did a cycle of yoga at home).  I have to find a way to get out of my own head and push through the cycle of kicking myself while I am down and refocus on my positive side.  The hard part will be doing it.

So my question is this- does this happen to you?  If so, how do you get out of this?  

1 comment:

tracy.rose@healthline.com said...

Hi Julie,

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Please let me know if you have any questions.

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Warm Regards,