Thursday, April 7, 2011

Exhaustion has set in

     And it's time to rebound. 

     It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Last week was my annual tradeshow.  I was so grateful for my meds.  Two of the days I wore my pedometer while on the show floor.  One day was 3.5 miles and the next 5.24- and that doesn't include walking in the evenings.  By the last night, which was our celebration party- I was literally rocking back on my heels and trying not to put too much pressure on the balls of my feet and toes.  I stayed long enough to see my Territory win the "karaoke" contest (we have some seriously talented people in our company- they were all terrific and it was a tough competition) and then caught the first bus back to the resort.  By the time my colleagues came back I was sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, in my pajamas (they are super comfy and *almost* something I could wear out in public- if I didn't know they were pajamas-lol) with spa socks on my swollen and hurting feet with my cane helping me get around.  

     Like many I don't sleep well in hotels.  Despite having a whole bed with no tall hubby, no puppies, and all of the wonderful pillows (what is it about hotel pillows that make them so fluffy?) to myself, I just can't get comfortable.  Since I have been back home I have continued the pattern.  That means I am sleeping in snatches most of the night.  What doesn't help is that I ran out of some of my meds that help me sleep and had to wait for my doctor's office to call them in.  I had enough to get  me through the trip but realized I was "short" when I filled my weekly pill box on Saturday.  I finally picked them up last night.  Totally my own fault.  My doc gave me the scripts when I saw her on the 11th of last month and I thought I would save myself the 20+mile trip until I used up the ones I had (she upped my Flexeril and Neurontin) and in the meantime lost the papers.  Dumb, dumb, dumb on my part.  I won't do that again.  Next time- I go straight from her office to the pharmacy. 

     It's funny.  I should be close friends with insomnia by now but I am just not.  The meds help.  I still get up in the middle of the night several times (one of my pups is older and has to be helped up and down on and off the bed- and the other one is just spoiled and if his "sister" gets help up- he wants it too) but I don't remember doing it- so it "feels" like I slept through.  Without the meds, and/or with an up level in my pain scale I remember every time I get up and know just how many times I saw my clock- and that leads to exhaustion.  What exhaustion does to me most is scramble my brain.  Though I am physically dragging, that is not as annoying as losing my focus.  Several times since I got home late Friday night I have sat down at this PC and tried to come up with a post and it just didn't happen.  I would look at my blank screen and realize that my brain was just as blank.  That's annoying.  I would look at this screen and realize that I needed to save what little focus I have for my job.  Also annoying.  When I get home from work I am just toast.  I watch TV mindlessly and snuggle my pups but everything else kind of falls by the wayside. 

     Despite all of that, I remain grateful.  Grateful for a hubby who steps up as much as he can, and understands that I am not in a "Wonder Woman" state of mind.  Grateful for my puppies who don't mind Mama being "less than" and needing to just cuddle.  Grateful that my sisters and their families are coming to visit on two separate weekends this month so I get to see them.  Grateful that my parents are as well as they are and don't need my care and are satisfied just to spend time with me even when I have to nap in the middle of a visit.  Grateful that my staff "gets it" and leaves me to deal with what I can.  Grateful for weekends when I can decompress and be a slug if necessary.  Grateful that I have a son who, though he is an adult with his own life in a separate state, calls me almost daily and sometimes more than once a day, just to keep in touch.   Grateful that my learning sessions at the tradeshow were so very beneficial in my professional life.  Grateful that the changing role in my professional life will be one that I can handle no matter how exhausted I feel physically. Grateful for clothes loose enough that they don't touch my bruised-feeling body.   Grateful for friends who understand, both those who go through this just like I do and those who have been with me since my pre-RA/Fibro life and have seen the changes I have made. The gratitude is what keeps me going when I am starting to head down Pity-Party Lane and puts me back on You-Can-Do-This Boulevard.  

So that's where I have been both physically and mentally.  Now it's time to start back on the road to being whole again.  Okay- maybe not whole but functional.  I can settle for functional and that would be another thing to be grateful for in the long run. 

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

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