Thursday, October 21, 2010


I am not sure what's going on with me these days, but I am feeling very unsettled.  My other half and I have hit a rough patch.  It's not the first time, I am sure it won't be the last, and normally I take these things in stride but this time it has really thrown me.  That's definitely not the whole of the issue- but a piece. 

I think another peice is that my sleep cycle is completely off.  I either sleep a whole lot- or very, very little.  Lack of sleep makes me crabby and emotional.  I could cry at the drop of a hat- but I don't because it would solve nothing except making me feel weak- which would make me crabby and emotional.  See the cycle?  Now- I am not against tears.  I cry at movies and hallmark commercials- I cry when I am sad.  Somehow this just seems irrational to be so emotional over missed sleep.  It's a me thing I think. 

Next there is stuff going on at work.  Sales are not what I would like and that means cutting back where we can.  That said, there are more iniatives rolling out and I feel like it is piling up.  I understand that in this economy we are so very lucky to be doing as well as we are and that we have to be fiscally responsible, I really do.  I understand that we need the new ideas and programs to keep the business fresh.  We can't afford to become stagnate.  On the other hand- it takes a LOT of work to do what we are doing and it will take a lot more to roll out all of the new stuff and do it right if we want to succeed.  I can't speak for my colleagues but I feel like I am trying to do more and more with less and I am wondering where my breaking point will be.  I think I am dealing with a little burnout- and I need to find a way to reverse that before I burn out any further.  Top that with the pressure of trying to not leave ANYTHING to chance so I can comfortably take time while my son is here to spend with him and I am pushing myself as much as possible. 

When I push myself and when I am overly emotional- my meals schedule gets thrown off and I don't make the best choices.  That means that my weightloss efforts have stalled.  I am literally fluctuating +/- 2lbs every week.  As much as I try to do the right thing- I falter mindlessly.  I will literally be running around and grab something and look down and realize it is gone and not feel like I have eaten- or worse- realize that I have grabbed a chocolate bar rather than a protein bar and stuffed it in my face.  It is completely on me.  I know that.  I cannot just allow myself to eat on autopilot and I know that.  That makes me kick myself -hard- which just adds to the emotional mess. 

The icing on my cake is my health.  I am feeling *okay*.  The pain and stiffness is at a bearable point.  I am not flaring with the RA or the Fibro.  I am at a midpoint I believe.  I am not as well as I was with the MTX but not as bad as with some previous treatments.  We are giving the Orencia three more months, we are stepping down the prednisone to find the lowest dose I can take without raising the pain levels.  We have added a giant NSAID twice a day to combat the swelling and once it kicks in I will step back the Tramadol.  But I think the med changes are messing with my system in more ways than one. 

So there I am- I am needing to take some time and pull myself together.  I am going to step back and do some soul searching and get myself back on track.  I ask that you bear with me.  When I come back- I will be better than ever.


MissDazey said...


Still Smiling said...

You are not alone. You sound a lot like me. From one unsettled person battling things in life to another.. you CAN do it, you CAN get through it and you'll get back to being the settled great you very soon!

Wren said...

I'm sorry to hear that things are rough right now, Jules. Isn't it odd how problems, when they come, tend to come in groups?

I hope you'll have time to slow down and rest some this weekend, and perhaps get outside to enjoy the small gifts the changing season offers. It's an old saying, but I'll say it anyway: All will be well, and all will be well.

Sending warmth, comfort, patience and hugs your way, m'friend.

Lana said...

It is okay to feel like this. We all hit bumps in the road now and then, with and without RA and Fibro in our lives. Take a break and focus on you. I am emotional too so I know what you are saying about crying at a drop of a hat but it is also part of being human so cut yourself some slack. Hang in there – better days are ahead for you.

Rheu'mom'toid said...

Hang in there! Why does everything have to crash all at the same time? I've never figured that one out? I know you will come out of it stronger and brighter days are around the corner.

Wren said...

Thinking about you, Jules. Are you all right? I hope you're feeling well and that things are working out. Sending hugs your way. :o)