Thursday, March 4, 2010

Accidentally finding the silver lining.

I have been having a very difficult time lately.  At the moment, my relationship with my son is strained because of a very big disagreement that rather blew up on us.  The stress of that, along with work stress and worries about my health gave me the build-up that I needed to take me off the "vaping" path and back to smoking for a couple of days.  I was past a week- almost at 2 when I "lost it".  So I have been beating myself up on top of everything else. 

I was talking to a friend last night who suggested I talk to another mutual friend who was having issues with his daughter.  Just that suggestion was the kick in the pants that I needed.  I thought about our mutual friend and the terribly difficult road that he has had with his daughter for the last several years.  Comparatively speaking- it makes my troubles with my son seem insignificant.  It's the situation where, should I whine and cry to him- he would rightfully say- "Oh I only WISH that were the extent of my problems".   And yet- when I was in the midst of it all- It seemed enormous. 

So I am taking a step back.  I am looking at the good beside the bad.  It's very easy to forget the good when you are filled with anger and hurt so by acknowledging the good things- I am opening my heart to let the anger and hurt go.  It won't all happen at once.  I know that.  It may even be several days before I am ready to consider contacting him- but this space and time will be good for perspective- and I think I need some of that.

All I know is that glimpse of the good parts last night allowed me to go back to bed and when I got up this morning- I had a new feeling of resolve.  I withstood the urge for a cigarette, I researched some things to help with some of my work issues, I concentrated on the serenity prayer for a good long time.  Now my heart is a little lighter and I can look forward to the weekend.  For that- I am grateful.   

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