I have been having a very difficult time lately. At the moment, my relationship with my son is strained because of a very big disagreement that rather blew up on us. The stress of that, along with work stress and worries about my health gave me the build-up that I needed to take me off the "vaping" path and back to smoking for a couple of days. I was past a week- almost at 2 when I "lost it". So I have been beating myself up on top of everything else.
I was talking to a friend last night who suggested I talk to another mutual friend who was having issues with his daughter. Just that suggestion was the kick in the pants that I needed. I thought about our mutual friend and the terribly difficult road that he has had with his daughter for the last several years. Comparatively speaking- it makes my troubles with my son seem insignificant. It's the situation where, should I whine and cry to him- he would rightfully say- "Oh I only WISH that were the extent of my problems". And yet- when I was in the midst of it all- It seemed enormous.
So I am taking a step back. I am looking at the good beside the bad. It's very easy to forget the good when you are filled with anger and hurt so by acknowledging the good things- I am opening my heart to let the anger and hurt go. It won't all happen at once. I know that. It may even be several days before I am ready to consider contacting him- but this space and time will be good for perspective- and I think I need some of that.
All I know is that glimpse of the good parts last night allowed me to go back to bed and when I got up this morning- I had a new feeling of resolve. I withstood the urge for a cigarette, I researched some things to help with some of my work issues, I concentrated on the serenity prayer for a good long time. Now my heart is a little lighter and I can look forward to the weekend. For that- I am grateful.