Tuesday, March 5, 2013

In a dark place

I have been in a pretty dark place for over a month now.  I know that losing my father-in-law started the process but what I don't know is how to navigate my way out of it.  I have been thinking a lot about death.  Mine and everyone else's.  I am not to the point of obsessing (thank goodness) but I am...noticing it more and more.  It seems as if so many people that I know are losing loved ones and on top of it the news is filled with stories of untimely and sad deaths.  Some have definitely affected me more than others.  For example:

Late last week there was more than one severe accident on 65 in Kentucky at the same time.  One one side of the highway a big rig hit a car and started a multi-car accident. Within moments, on the other side (they are separated by a very large median) the exact same thing happened.  In the end, there were 11 victims of the accident, six dead.  One of the dead was a 94 year old man.  I could not wrap my head around living ninety four years only to die in such a horrific manner.  There were also several foster children among the victims.  These poor kids had already had a tough life- only to die this way.   "How does that happen?"  and "How is that fair?" played in my head all weekend.  Incidentally- there was a very similar accident in the same spot yesterday.  Three accidents in less than five days- makes me hesitate to drive that area any time soon.

Friday a 17 year old girl was raped and murdered in her apartment by a known, convicted sex offender.  He was caught within 24 hours but how does that happen?  The man has been convicted of rape multiple times going back to the 80's.  I cannot understand WHY he was out and walking around in society.  I cannot imagine what this CHILD (and whether or not she was living on her own, she's still a child) went through.  It hurts my heart to even think about  what she suffered and it makes me so very angry to know that this man was free.

Last week there was an accident between a cab and a car, I believe in NY.  The man and woman in the car were killed.  It so happened that the woman was very pregnant and so the doctors delivered the baby with great hopes that she would survive.  Yesterday, she too passed away from extensive brain trauma from the accident.  When I initially heard about this accident I was so hopeful for this little baby.  When the news alerted that she had gone it was as if all of that hope was sucked right out like a balloon that had been blown up and slips out of your fingers before you tie it off.

Shootings, stabbings, overdoses, suicide, war; stories of these fill the news every day.  You cannot escape  it if you want to watch the news for current events.  What are we doing to ourselves?  What are we doing to one another?  What can we do to Just. Make. It . STOP?

And then there are the illnesses.  Every day we see and hear of friends, loved ones, members of our community who are battling horrible illnesses.  I don't mean the ones like mine which bring pain.  I mean illnesses that can be terminal.  Go to twitter.  Type in #CancerSucks and see how many hits you get.  I would be willing to bet at least weekly you see a meme on Facebook challenging you to repost if you support someone who is fighting for their lives.  I know I do.  WHY- with the millions and millions and millions of dollars raised for research and the many great minds working on these research projects- do we not yet have a cure?

This is where my head has been.  I hear about this and my mind fills with questions such as the ones above and then moves to "how will I die?"  I am not so much concerned with when but I think about the cause. Quietly and peacefully would be my preference- but with all that's wrong with this world, what are the odds of that?  I have been thinking about this far too often for someone who is trying to live from a positive place.  I know it will pass, I just don't know when.    


Adrienne said...

Wow. I read your blog and I am sorry you are feeling this way. I don't want to say one of those sayings like "I know how you feel" or "it will get better" because I don't know you. I can only tell you that I hear you and when I feel overwhelmed by it all, I do something for another person (or animal) and that seems to get me out of myself. Volunteer, walk a dog, write a letter to an older friend, call a shut in. It cheers them up and makes feel better too. And I turn off the news.

Lana said...

I am sorry for your life and I am sorry that you are going through all this. As I am reading your posts, I am thinking about a point in my life (recently) that I felt this overwhelmed. It started right after my brother passed away and only recently did I realize that I was depressed. It took a therapist to confirm that I was depressed. You are depressed and it does not help that you are grieving. I was feeling overwhelmed by everything including the news. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I started to wonder whether life was worth it. When you asked this, “What are we doing to ourselves? What are we doing to one another? What can we do to Just. Make. It . STOP?,” I was nodding. You probably need to talk to someone about your grief. Living with chronic pain and dealing with other stuff adds up. Gentle hugs to you and good luck.

Julie said...

The only way I can keep my head above water is... But Jesus Christ. I have to remember that His thoughts are not my thoughts, nor His ways mine. Otherwise it all becomes too much. I am sorry you are struggling. I love you!!! I'm just a text away.

Kathy said...

Dearest Julie, I do not know you, but sometimes all we can do is sit with each other ... be there, give support and good energy, whether near or far.
Just know that someone, somewhere is rooting for you ... ceaselessly.

Julie Faulds said...

Thank you ladies. It's been a rough couple of weeks but I am pulling through. :-)