Monday, October 10, 2011

Lessons learned from a flare

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been struggling with a rough time with my back and hip area.  Thankfully, it is subsiding but this one took a bit longer than usual and I am so very not used to not being able to just power through.  That's how I have handled so many challenges in my life and when I couldn't (and ended up flat on my back) it was as if the rug had been pulled out from under me.

 I have been so very fortunate thus far in my journey to have never suffered from depression.  When this got me so down, I wasn't sure how to pull myself back up and rebound.  I have never in my life found myself literally just wanting to not leave my house; more specifically, not leave my bed.  If we were living on a single story, I probably would have pulled even further into myself than I did.  It was a little scary.  Fortunately (?) we live in a town-home style place and the two pups need access to the outside so I would s-l-o-w-l-y make my way downstairs in the morning, let the dogs out, take my meds, get some coffee, let them back in and then curl up either on the couch or in the recliner for the majority of the day.  Because of the fur-kids, I was unable to stay upstairs in my bed, no matter how much I found myself desperately wanting that.  On top of that, I felt myself becoming angry that I couldn't physically get up and go to work, feeling guilty that I didn't even WANT to go to work and knowing that the work was piling up for when I went back.  Top that off with  Jim starting to get sick and so less than usual getting done around the house and neither of us felt like cooking and both of us felt like comfort food.  It was a huge internal struggle and the more I struggled with it, the more down I felt.  

What I have learned from this is that I am NOT going to handle it well when the eventuality happens and I am no longer able to be as productive as I am now.

I am thankful that I can still be productive when I am in year 6 of my diagnosis and I have not given up despite the difficulties.

 I have also learned that I am more thankful than I realized that I no longer try to hold down two full time jobs, college, home and family.

 I am thankful for weekends to recuperate and a husband that understands when I need to just do that.

I have learned that I can let go of that guilt from staying home from work- at least enough to not spend my weekend there making up the time.

I am thankful that I have a flexible enough schedule and work load to work around hiccups like this most recent flare.

More than all- I am thankful that it is over and I can get back to my life.  

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